Cycling

The most corrupt of sports.

How come people that like to ride bicycles invariably turn out to be liars and cheaters? Where is the connection? It's like if people that liked to play frisbee always turned out to be arsonists or spouse-abusers.

If you don't know what I'm talking about there is this guy named FLOYD LANDIS (yes his parents had nine months to think up a name and decided on "Floyd") that has disgraced, and intends to continue to disgrace, the world of cycling.

Mr. Landis won the Tour de France in 2006. Then they checked his urine and saw a bunch of microscopic He-man action figures floating around in it. He was promptly disqualified. Like everyone that cheats at sports, he then proceeded to vehemently defend himself, making wild accusations about urine tampering. He filed lawsuits, professed his innocence to the media like every single day, got caught HACKING COMPUTER RECORDS, appealed the verdicts of all the failed lawsuits, and generally behaved as if he was the most wronged man on the face of the earth.

So then of course the other day he says "Okay I admit I took tons of steroids for like my entire career BUT EVERYBODY ELSE DOES IT TOO!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Many of you reading this probably enjoy riding a bicycle. I urge you NOT to become part of the corruption. Turn away from bicycle drug culture.

Some better ways to enhance your bike-riding experience:

- Baseball card in the spokes

- Shiny new bell

- Wheelies

- Sweet jumps

- E.T. in a basket

- Queen "Bicycle Race" on your iPod

- Riding through puddles

- Pretending to be Dutch

- Bicycle license plate like you used to get from Honey Comb cereal

- STREAMERS

- Paper routes

- Alcohol