Life on the farm

a cow has to be milked every day, at least once. and doesn't care what day of the year it is. The farmer cannot go out and get trashed on New Year's Eve, he has to be there in the morning to do his thing. This relationship is bound to cause resentment. It's why the farmer doesn't feel bad eating all the chipped beef and hamburgers later.

Another morning person is the rooster. Roosters are obnoxious and loud and tend to get into fights. They are responsible for impregnating all of the chickens that are around, so it's a good thing women tend to be attracted to jerks. Otherwise there'd be an egg shortage.

What qualifies as a "farm animal?" Does the farmer have to own it? Cause sometimes there's ducks, and don't tell me that the farmer won't kill and eat a duck if he gets a chance. It's why deer don't live near farms. They know the farmers all have shotguns. ("GET OFF MY LAND!" *BOOM*)

If you WANT a bunch of ducks around, just keep feeding them. Even after flying away the ducks will keep coming back, not noticing that the farmer is systematically executing them. "Where are all the fellas?" Chickens have no choice, they cannot fly. So when they see this going on they must be like "WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK HERE? Once you get to a PARK just STAY there! There's old people with free bread!" They can't explain it to the ducks though because ducks and chickens speak different languages. and since they have no arms, chickens cannot draw.

Horses on a farm get treated pretty well. They get brushed. Nobody brushes a pig. and a horse gets a whole apple, the pig just gets the core. and horses get better names. "Buttercup" or "Stormy" or "Blaze." If a pig gets a name at all, about 80% of the time it's "Porky." The rest of the time the pig is named after someone the farmer doesn't like. "George W. Bush the Pig." "Here let me introduce you to my pig, his name is Ray Romano. I can't wait to eat him."

If someone refers to you as a farm animal, they are usually insulting you.

"My wife is turning into a big fat cow!"

"My boss is a sexist pig!"

Not too many people get called "goats." Old men do, sometimes. "The old goat finally croaked." Truthfully, though, goats are not old. They are the same age as all other animals.

Farmers like the stuff they grow to be the biggest and best. "Look at the size of my tomatoes. They are the size of a newborn baby's head." They want to get the BLUE RIBBON at the county fair. "Most Impressive Ear of Corn Ever Seen!" What if the thing that you like to grow is cotton? Are you still proud and boastful of a really good crop? "This cotton is HANES quality!" "When word gets out I reckon I'll have a representative of the Q-Tip corporation come knockin' within the week. Better bake a pie, ma."

Why is everybody given a middle name?

"Hey you were just born, now we will supplant you with an embarrassing secret that you will have to carry around for LIFE!"

What reasoning is there for this? To differentiate between John A. Smith and John B. Smith? Does not work, man. That's why you get a social security number. Everyone should just use that instead.

"Are you John 124657713 Smith?"

"No in fact I am John 124657712 Smith."

"Oh sorry."

"Easy mistake."

Middle names usually are not good. They are justified as being for the sake of tradition and remembrance. "Uncle Egbert must be remembered, so you need to be middle-named that. Just be glad that a different person was already named after Aunt Fanny."

I guess a main issue might be that babies are usually born to people that are in a relationship, and people in relationships tend to fight a lot and never agree. Even the guys that do bad abandonment stuff still usually stick around long enough for the actual naming of the kid.

Girl: We should name him "Bradley."

Guy: No I want "Hector." My grandfather was named Hector and GUNNED DOWN in the STREET so it is meaningful to me.

Girl: Okay "Bradley Hector" then.

Guy: Good, I will now get that name tattooed on my neck.

Girl: and I'll get it on my YET-untattooed boob.

Guy: Good.

Girl: Good.

***BREAKING*** I am okay with middle names as long as they are used FULL TIME. Like when elegant ladies do that.

Mary Jane: Hello Mary Katherine.

Mary Katherine: Hello Mary Jane, do you know where Clarissa Lorraine will be summering this year?

Mary Jane: She will either vacation at the lake with Amanda Dominique or else visit Eleanor Patrice across the pond.

Mary Katherine: Delightful, Mary Jane. and you have plans with Chastity Noelle?

Mary Jane: No I do not because she said she wanted to bring RUTH along.

Mary Katherine: I HATE RUTH!

Mary Jane: I know, imagine being named just that.

Does not work for guys, though.

Too NASCAR.

Billy Bob: Hey Billy Joe, who you truckin with these days?

Billy Joe: I truck with Bubba Bo and Bo Ray Brent.

Billy Bob: I trucked with Bo Ray Brent that summer I went skunk-huntin with dang old Ray Bubba Lee.

Billy Joe: Ray Bubba Lee? Do y'all mean Jimmy Joe Ray Bubba Bob's first born?

Billy Bob: No, the first born was Wendell.

Billy Joe: Oh that's right. He gave him just one name all classy-like.

Billy Bob: Yeah so he can someday be President or at least employed and not dirty.

Billy Joe: Well Jimmy Joe Ray Bubba Bob always was the brains of the family.

Billy Bob: You can say that again.

The rest of what I wanted to say

If someone asked you to bring "chips" to a poker party, what kind would you think they meant? If you guess "potato," at least make sure it's Pringles. Cause if you're wrong they still at least stack neatly.

Poker chips are used to represent actual money. It's easier than writing a check every time.

If you go shopping for a mattress, you are allowed to try it out. But generally not with blankets. It isn't a good system, it's like test driving a car with no seats in it. Or eating batter to pick out a wedding cake.

Some restaurants offer brownies for dessert. When the server asks "Would you care for dessert?" I like to say "No but can I lick the spoon?"

Why are there alphabet foods? Cereal and soup. That is an excessive number of shapes! There is alphabet pasta, but it isn't too popular because people usually only like to eat one kind of noodle at once. You never see ravioli with some wagon wheels mixed in. No lasagna with a layer of macaroni.

a lot of songs have girls' names in the title, but not too many have guys' names. There's "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" and only a few others.

It would be neat if a bird built its nest on a turtle shell. Like the turtle having a loud upstairs neighbor.

America does not have kings or queens. At least not YET. What is stopping the reality television people from naming one? a bunch of people live in a castle and vote each other out, winner gets to live there and be rich. Have a moat with crocodiles in it and stuff. Might seem like a paper title but all of those shows are pretty unofficial. "I won! I thought I could dance and was RIGHT." "I am now your top model, bring me some pills and gold."

Everything is not exercise equipment

The first week of January is when everyone gets interested in getting into shape. You see all these chubby strangers out on the street, running around in the brand new jogging suit they got for Christmas. Then Martin Luther King Day comes and they say "Well, since it's a HOLIDAY, I think I will take a day off from that!" School children and girl scouts begin to come around with candy and cookies for sale, a big platter of enchiladas gets eaten at the Superbowl party, and by Valentine's Day everyone is convinced that their excess fattage is just "more to love." The big heart-shaped box of chocolates does not make it through the day, and everything goes back to normal.

If this describes you, hopefully your only investment was a new pair of sneakers or something. Hopefully you were not one of the people tricked into spending $99 on a bar that you can stick in "any doorframe" to do chin-ups and upside-down sit ups. There are more of these contraptions popping up all the time. It's usually either being pitched by some mixed martial arts fighter threatening to beat you up if you don't get into shape, or a lady with extra-nice naked abs swinging around in a special chair.

and I think everyone by now has seen the "Shake Weight." What in hell, this thing. It's the sort of device you would only ever expect to find in a special locked drawer in your parents' bedroom. Next to the GUN. Yet everyone is on TV demonstrating it openly.

There is no shortcut to getting in shape. It takes many long hard hours of lifting weights or running or Sweatin' to the Oldies. The only way to get a "home gym" is to buy a very large and complicated structure that costs many hundreds of dollars and does not fit anywhere in the home. Don't think that you can get in shape by purchasing "The Bar" or "The Ball" or whatever is coming next.

What IS coming next? "The Rock?" That could be the greatest ever scam, like the 70s "Pet Rock" except bigger and heavier and way more expensive. "Want to get in shape? Buy this special rock! You can lift it over your head, kick it, or THROW it!" Joe Montana would be a good pitchman for "The Rock," he already gave up his street cred with the Skechers thing.

and finally, if your "New Year's Resolution" was to get into shape by playing the wii, or some copycat version of the wii, you are a bonehead loser. At least the people that quit jogging after a day or two actually made it OUTSIDE for a few minutes. Video games are not exercise, they are the opposite. I know what you do. You jump up and down in front of the TV for a few minutes, then say "what a workout!" and go RUNNING for the coffee cake and Doritos. They should make a game that includes standing on a SCALE, and you can't get off the scale until you lose a pound or else a dragon eats you. Or maybe the thing you're wired to gives you a bad electric shock or injects you with poison or something.

2010 Year in Review

2010, the year everyone found out what the future was like. Back in old times like the 50s and 80s, there was a lot of speculation. "What will life be like in 2010? Will there be martians and flying cars and female Presidents?" The answer to all of that was no. Instead, the future turned out to be Geico commercials and getting tweets from Shaq while at work.

Okay here is everything that happened in 2010.

The main thing was Facebook. Everyone is on Facebook now, including the people that were not on Facebook a year ago. There are no more holdouts except for people that are trying REALLY hard not to use Facebook on purpose and other people that do not count, such as the elderly. Even homeless people are on Facebook now, they access it from the library. You should read some of the status updates.

("Kevin A. Delasandro is attending The Park.")

and of course, the texting and twittering is really out of hand. Soon you will be able to text-order a pizza or tweet your homework right to the teacher. The President is expected to begin tweeting a new weekly public address, tentatively titled "Fireside Chats 2," sometime in 2011. Probably in the summer, when he gets back from vacation.

Speaking of that guy, he had a pretty bad year. Everybody got mad at him because of "Obamacare," and then he accidentally got PUNCHED in the FACE while playing basketball. That makes him the first President to be punched in the face while in office since 1979 (Carter).

Sports were more popular than ever in 2010, but were marred because people like Brett Favre and Tiger Woods and Ben Roethlisberger kept committing bad sex crimes. Conversely, it was the first year ever that Mike Tyson did not do anything wrong! Good for him.

In actuality the main troublemaker of 2010 turned out to be MEL GIBSON. He kept screaming and swearing at EVERYONE. It was awful, worse than even Betty White. Also he is now racist against all people.

England elected a new Prime Minister in 2010. No one is sure who he is, but like most English people, he is widely believed to be "too British." The bigger story was that Prince William is getting MARRIED. in 3-D! You can go watch it at a movie theater if you want, but please, no talking (you can tweet instead).

Coming in 2011... 3-D tweets?

North Korea was up to no good, as usual, so we might have another war soon. If so, I wonder if people will still try to pin it on Bush? He's been gone for quite awhile. You can't just keep blaming old Presidents for stuff. "You know why coffee is so expensive now? Reagan."

Oh the other big story was that everybody at the airport is allowed to feel you up and see you naked now. People are pretty outraged by this, especially really good-looking people and REALLY bad-looking people. The people in the middle don't mind as much.

Other things from 2010:

- The big earthquake

- Polish President plane crash

- The ICELANDIC VOLCANO

- Oil oil everywhere

- The Chilean miners and their mistresses

- That really long tennis match

- The other big earthquake

- Sea World employees getting killed by whales

- Arizona kicking out Mexicans

- Wikileaks

- That male flight attendant that jumped off the plane

- Bed bugs

- Olympic hockey

- Jay Leno being a jerk

- Christmas