Everything is not exercise equipment

The first week of January is when everyone gets interested in getting into shape. You see all these chubby strangers out on the street, running around in the brand new jogging suit they got for Christmas. Then Martin Luther King Day comes and they say "Well, since it's a HOLIDAY, I think I will take a day off from that!" School children and girl scouts begin to come around with candy and cookies for sale, a big platter of enchiladas gets eaten at the Superbowl party, and by Valentine's Day everyone is convinced that their excess fattage is just "more to love." The big heart-shaped box of chocolates does not make it through the day, and everything goes back to normal.

If this describes you, hopefully your only investment was a new pair of sneakers or something. Hopefully you were not one of the people tricked into spending $99 on a bar that you can stick in "any doorframe" to do chin-ups and upside-down sit ups. There are more of these contraptions popping up all the time. It's usually either being pitched by some mixed martial arts fighter threatening to beat you up if you don't get into shape, or a lady with extra-nice naked abs swinging around in a special chair.

and I think everyone by now has seen the "Shake Weight." What in hell, this thing. It's the sort of device you would only ever expect to find in a special locked drawer in your parents' bedroom. Next to the GUN. Yet everyone is on TV demonstrating it openly.

There is no shortcut to getting in shape. It takes many long hard hours of lifting weights or running or Sweatin' to the Oldies. The only way to get a "home gym" is to buy a very large and complicated structure that costs many hundreds of dollars and does not fit anywhere in the home. Don't think that you can get in shape by purchasing "The Bar" or "The Ball" or whatever is coming next.

What IS coming next? "The Rock?" That could be the greatest ever scam, like the 70s "Pet Rock" except bigger and heavier and way more expensive. "Want to get in shape? Buy this special rock! You can lift it over your head, kick it, or THROW it!" Joe Montana would be a good pitchman for "The Rock," he already gave up his street cred with the Skechers thing.

and finally, if your "New Year's Resolution" was to get into shape by playing the wii, or some copycat version of the wii, you are a bonehead loser. At least the people that quit jogging after a day or two actually made it OUTSIDE for a few minutes. Video games are not exercise, they are the opposite. I know what you do. You jump up and down in front of the TV for a few minutes, then say "what a workout!" and go RUNNING for the coffee cake and Doritos. They should make a game that includes standing on a SCALE, and you can't get off the scale until you lose a pound or else a dragon eats you. Or maybe the thing you're wired to gives you a bad electric shock or injects you with poison or something.