Life on the farm

a cow has to be milked every day, at least once. and doesn't care what day of the year it is. The farmer cannot go out and get trashed on New Year's Eve, he has to be there in the morning to do his thing. This relationship is bound to cause resentment. It's why the farmer doesn't feel bad eating all the chipped beef and hamburgers later.

Another morning person is the rooster. Roosters are obnoxious and loud and tend to get into fights. They are responsible for impregnating all of the chickens that are around, so it's a good thing women tend to be attracted to jerks. Otherwise there'd be an egg shortage.

What qualifies as a "farm animal?" Does the farmer have to own it? Cause sometimes there's ducks, and don't tell me that the farmer won't kill and eat a duck if he gets a chance. It's why deer don't live near farms. They know the farmers all have shotguns. ("GET OFF MY LAND!" *BOOM*)

If you WANT a bunch of ducks around, just keep feeding them. Even after flying away the ducks will keep coming back, not noticing that the farmer is systematically executing them. "Where are all the fellas?" Chickens have no choice, they cannot fly. So when they see this going on they must be like "WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK HERE? Once you get to a PARK just STAY there! There's old people with free bread!" They can't explain it to the ducks though because ducks and chickens speak different languages. and since they have no arms, chickens cannot draw.

Horses on a farm get treated pretty well. They get brushed. Nobody brushes a pig. and a horse gets a whole apple, the pig just gets the core. and horses get better names. "Buttercup" or "Stormy" or "Blaze." If a pig gets a name at all, about 80% of the time it's "Porky." The rest of the time the pig is named after someone the farmer doesn't like. "George W. Bush the Pig." "Here let me introduce you to my pig, his name is Ray Romano. I can't wait to eat him."

If someone refers to you as a farm animal, they are usually insulting you.

"My wife is turning into a big fat cow!"

"My boss is a sexist pig!"

Not too many people get called "goats." Old men do, sometimes. "The old goat finally croaked." Truthfully, though, goats are not old. They are the same age as all other animals.

Farmers like the stuff they grow to be the biggest and best. "Look at the size of my tomatoes. They are the size of a newborn baby's head." They want to get the BLUE RIBBON at the county fair. "Most Impressive Ear of Corn Ever Seen!" What if the thing that you like to grow is cotton? Are you still proud and boastful of a really good crop? "This cotton is HANES quality!" "When word gets out I reckon I'll have a representative of the Q-Tip corporation come knockin' within the week. Better bake a pie, ma."