Oprah get out

Finally it's over. The queen of trash is gone. No more screaming, no more Tom Cruise jumping on the couch, none of it. The collective American I.Q. is about to skyrocket.

It's not so much Oprah the PERSON as it is the people that WATCH Oprah. You have seen them, wearing pajama bottoms at Wal-mart with Oprah's latest recommended read, eight six-packs of Great Value Cola, and a Sham-Wow in their cart. They love modern country and yard sales. Oprah's retirement has left a void. How will they get their daily afternoon trash fix?

I have an idea for a new show. It would be called "The Crying Show" and it would just be celebrities crying. Then at the end they give away a car. I think it would be hugely popular. I sent Dr. Phil a letter to tell him about my idea, but I haven't heard back yet.

Or here's another idea: STOP WATCHING TV DURING THE DAY. If you are Oprah's audience, that pretty much means you don't have a job so I know it can be tempting to spend all your free time on the couch but you should try to get into some hobbies like chess or woodworking instead. It's usually pretty nice outside! You can go feed ducks or stalk an ex-boyfriend or smoke.

By the way Oprah, way to go out in STYLE. Too bad the United Center only holds 23,000 people, eh? You should have had an actual PARADE. Bands, celebrities, giant Dr. Phil balloon, you should have taken OVER downtown Chicago. At the end of the parade Oprah would be seated on a throne holding a small child and waving. Then she would get off the throne and they would weigh her. Then she would unveil the cover of her latest book, get on a private gold helicopter, and disappear into the sky forever.

Then Obi-Wan would say "Oprah was our last hope" and Yoda would say "No...there is another..."

HEY the world didn't end

Not too surprised but where is the accountability? All the people that were saying shit about the end of the world should be ARRESTED.

Fact: It is AGAINST the LAW to yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater. You are not supposed to induce PANIC. Therefore you should not be allowed to falsely say the world is gonna end either. What if an old lady or midget got scared? What if there had been multiple tramplings? Just because nothing bad happened doesn't mean there weren't bad INTENTIONS. You can't wear shoes or drink water at the airport without being harassed, but you can intend to inspire end-of-the-world MAYHEM? Lock those people up.

and if you really think the world IS gonna end, why tell people? What is to be gained? "HA! We're all dead. I was RIGHT."

If it did end though I wish it would have been during the Preakness. Everyone is watching the horse race wearing funny hats, and then the earth rumbles and splits open and the leading horse falls in. What would the horse race announcer guy say? Imagine him yelling "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" in that traditional horse racing tone.

There should be world-didn't-end commemorative t-shirts. "I SURVIVED MAY 21, 2011! Did YOU?"

and you know what? Some people actually DID die yesterday. I saw one. Imagine thinking "Oh good the world DIDN'T end" and then you start having a heart attack. You'd be pretty bitter. "Everyone else gets to be alive but me! Unfair!"

Hello, cruel world. Let's have some fun today.

Drano does not work

Man what ruins a Saturday afternoon quicker than a clogged drain. Everything is right in the world and then out of nowhere a sink or shower or even a washing machine just says "Nuh-uh, no way are YOU gonna have a nice day today." 16 loads of laundry waiting to be done and you see this sink full of water that is just not going anywhere. So frustrating.

"I don't have any clean work clothes! Why did I wear ALL of them in a row?"

"I'm getting married tomorrow and my tuxedo is DIRTY!"

So we keep this bottle of Drano around for just such an emergency. The sticker on the front of the bottle is quite braggadocious.

"MAX GEL!"

"PRO STRENGTH!"

"CLEARS TOTAL BLOCKAGES *GUARANTEED*"

"ENDORSED BY *GOD*"

Then there are instructions on the back...

1) Pour the Drano into the drain

2) Wait 30 minutes

3) Flush with hot water

4) ***REPEAT AS NECESSARY***

WHAT? "Repeat as necessary." Does that mean that when the Drano DOESN'T work I should go out and BUY ANOTHER BOTTLE? What kind of idiot falls for THAT scam? Probably the same people that buy goldfish and lottery tickets.

There is other good stuff on the back.

"HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED"

I'm sure that's true but how does that EVER happen? and who needs to be TOLD that drinking a glass of Drano can kill you? College fraternities trying to come up with new hazing ideas? "What else can we make them drink? How about THIS? Oh wait, better not."

"MAY BURN EYES ON CONTACT"

In the history of man I do not think there has ever been a more inappropriate use of the word "may." At least not in legal print. I know that some people can smoke cigarettes for a lifetime and get away with it, so "cigarettes may cause cancer" is perfectly okay for a warning label. But find me ONE PERSON that can take an eyeful of Drano and just laugh it off. CHANGE THAT WORDING. How about "WILL burn and/or melt eyeballs on contact. Consult a physician."

a very frustrating thing about a clogged drain is that you can't see what's in there. and have no reason to think that anybody would PUT something down there that doesn't belong. It's not like the toilet where once in awhile someone uses poor judgment.

"Okay next time a hamster dies I will just bury it."

"That was probably not the best way to throw out an old TV Guide."

Mothers

What mothers like is flowers and breakfast. This has been well-documented. They make good gifts, especially for moms that are elderly. There are not too many presents that old ladies like. "Here, it's a new housecoat!" "I got you this jewel-encrusted bingo marker." They like church, but you can't really GIVE them that (unless you're REALLY rich).

Raising kids is hard. Mothers have to cook the meatloaf, do the wash, drive everybody around, clean, let other people's kids run around in the house, counsel children that have had bad dreams, give haircuts*, make birthday cupcakes for the whole class, and breastfeed. Most people get two weeks of vacation from work. Being a mom is a full-time job, but they only get one day! (Today.) So make it count!

(*optional)

One thing that mothers yell about all the time is homework. "DO YOUR HOMEWORK!" "DID YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK?" "NO FINGERPAINTS UNTIL YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK!" Man, who can concentrate on homework with all that YELLING? Hey moms, maybe try some sweet-talking instead. "I made you this lemonade to drink while you do your homework! Good luck!" You'll get better results.

Mothers are also obsessed with clean bedrooms. "CLEAN your ROOM." Why not the rest of the house? "Go clean the guest bathroom." They won't do it, but they also don't clean their rooms anyway. Same difference.

Another thing they yell about is noise. Think about that. "BE QUIET!" "WHY ARE YOU KIDS SO LOUUUUUUUUD?!" I'm not sure anybody involved is picking up on the irony.

I am pro-Mother's Day, but I am very much against these shady characters that stand on the street corner selling flowers. If you buy flowers it should be from a FLORIST. Don't just pull up like it's McDonalds. Your mother is worth getting out of the car.

Any moms reading this feel free to e-mail me with any other important things about moms. I don't have the insider's perspective so I might have forgotten something. If you don't know any other important things about moms you can e-mail me anyway.

Donald Trump is making all kinds of trouble lately!

He keeps complaining about the President and calling people names and now he says he wants to BE the President. What is wrong with him?

Donald Trump cannot be the President. First of all he is too old. He should RETIRE. Also he is too hard to look at, all with the hair and squinting.

Any time someone asks Donald Trump a question, he says something crazy. MY question is, why do people keep asking him questions? Other than having that TV show where he keeps "firing" a bunch of interns, Donald Trump doesn't really ever DO anything. He just has a lot of money and owns stuff. and the questions are never sensible, like "What are you going to buy next? Pepsi?" They are questions like "Did you ever watch Charles in Charge?" and then he says "Yes, Scott Baio is an ignorant faggot." Then half of all people are outraged, all like "Did you hear what Donald Trump SAID?" WHY DOES ANYBODY CARE WHAT HE SAYS? It does not affect your family or employment.

I think that he is jealous of Charlie Sheen. Donald Trump only has money. Charlie Sheen is a photogenic celebrity that gets to sleep with a lot of porn ladies, but he also has a lot of money TOO. So it's like in comic books where the Flash can run really fast, and that's all he can do, whereas Superman is really strong and can fly but he is ALSO the fastest man in the world. Therefore the Flash has a lot of well-documented self-esteem issues, as does, I suspect, Donald J. Trump.

So like all great superheroes, Donald Trump and Charlie Sheen need to start fighting. Next time someone interviews Donald Trump, just ask "What do you think of Charlie Sheen?" and the ball will start rolling. He'll say "Charlie Sheen is a disgusting stooge that can only get hookers instead of REAL women and his stand-up comedy is unfunny garbage." Then Sheen will get word of it and be like "Oh yeah, take THIS!" and go nuts on Twitter.

In fact maybe Charlie Sheen should run for President TOO. He must be a Democrat, what with all the drugs and sex. Obama might not run again if he has to move back to Hawaii or Kenya or wherever it turns out he's from, so the door could be open for a new candidate. a WINNING candidate. See how it all comes together?

Now I know that if Donald Trump reads this blog he will probably get pretty mad at me and go to the press with a bunch of lies and misinformation. Well I don't care what you say, Trump. There's no way you can "ruin" me. The internet is free and I keep my money in a shoebox. Along WITH my birth certificate.

So there.