Oprah get out

Finally it's over. The queen of trash is gone. No more screaming, no more Tom Cruise jumping on the couch, none of it. The collective American I.Q. is about to skyrocket.

It's not so much Oprah the PERSON as it is the people that WATCH Oprah. You have seen them, wearing pajama bottoms at Wal-mart with Oprah's latest recommended read, eight six-packs of Great Value Cola, and a Sham-Wow in their cart. They love modern country and yard sales. Oprah's retirement has left a void. How will they get their daily afternoon trash fix?

I have an idea for a new show. It would be called "The Crying Show" and it would just be celebrities crying. Then at the end they give away a car. I think it would be hugely popular. I sent Dr. Phil a letter to tell him about my idea, but I haven't heard back yet.

Or here's another idea: STOP WATCHING TV DURING THE DAY. If you are Oprah's audience, that pretty much means you don't have a job so I know it can be tempting to spend all your free time on the couch but you should try to get into some hobbies like chess or woodworking instead. It's usually pretty nice outside! You can go feed ducks or stalk an ex-boyfriend or smoke.

By the way Oprah, way to go out in STYLE. Too bad the United Center only holds 23,000 people, eh? You should have had an actual PARADE. Bands, celebrities, giant Dr. Phil balloon, you should have taken OVER downtown Chicago. At the end of the parade Oprah would be seated on a throne holding a small child and waving. Then she would get off the throne and they would weigh her. Then she would unveil the cover of her latest book, get on a private gold helicopter, and disappear into the sky forever.

Then Obi-Wan would say "Oprah was our last hope" and Yoda would say "No...there is another..."