Mothers

What mothers like is flowers and breakfast. This has been well-documented. They make good gifts, especially for moms that are elderly. There are not too many presents that old ladies like. "Here, it's a new housecoat!" "I got you this jewel-encrusted bingo marker." They like church, but you can't really GIVE them that (unless you're REALLY rich).

Raising kids is hard. Mothers have to cook the meatloaf, do the wash, drive everybody around, clean, let other people's kids run around in the house, counsel children that have had bad dreams, give haircuts*, make birthday cupcakes for the whole class, and breastfeed. Most people get two weeks of vacation from work. Being a mom is a full-time job, but they only get one day! (Today.) So make it count!

(*optional)

One thing that mothers yell about all the time is homework. "DO YOUR HOMEWORK!" "DID YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK?" "NO FINGERPAINTS UNTIL YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK!" Man, who can concentrate on homework with all that YELLING? Hey moms, maybe try some sweet-talking instead. "I made you this lemonade to drink while you do your homework! Good luck!" You'll get better results.

Mothers are also obsessed with clean bedrooms. "CLEAN your ROOM." Why not the rest of the house? "Go clean the guest bathroom." They won't do it, but they also don't clean their rooms anyway. Same difference.

Another thing they yell about is noise. Think about that. "BE QUIET!" "WHY ARE YOU KIDS SO LOUUUUUUUUD?!" I'm not sure anybody involved is picking up on the irony.

I am pro-Mother's Day, but I am very much against these shady characters that stand on the street corner selling flowers. If you buy flowers it should be from a FLORIST. Don't just pull up like it's McDonalds. Your mother is worth getting out of the car.

Any moms reading this feel free to e-mail me with any other important things about moms. I don't have the insider's perspective so I might have forgotten something. If you don't know any other important things about moms you can e-mail me anyway.