Halloween costumes

So here it is! The day that kids and idiots everywhere have been waiting for. Hall-o-ween. Got your costume ready? No? Well here are some tips.

If you are an adult man, SIMPLE IS GOOD. Be a vampire. You need fangs and a cape. Everyone will know "what you are." Wrap yourself in bandages and be a mummy. Eyepatch, you're a pirate. Bathrobe and pointy homemade white hat, you're the POPE. Not hard.

That being said, you have to put in SOME effort. No putting on your softball uniform and being "a baseball player." No being a "UPS guy" if you really are a UPS guy. No bringing your orange vest and shotgun to the party and saying "I'm a hunter!"

Now if you're a woman, dressing up is a bit more complicated. (Isn't it always?) You can pick something sweet, or even something scary, but either way you are expected to bring the sexy. a lady vampire showing a gratuitous amount of cleavage is a good one. Or Little Bo Peep in whore makeup. It is Halloween tradition to look as slutty as possible while eating pumpkin cookies.

and of course there are people of both genders that try to come up with a costume that's either, like, "conceptual" or else way too ambitious. These costumes can be GREAT if you have the means to pull them off right. Otherwise, DISASTER. If you are supposed to be the Geico Gecko you better make DAMN sure you look like him. If people are coming up to you asking "What are you supposed to be? Kermit the Frog?" then you have made a serious costuming blunder and need to leave the party. Or if you just make yourself up like a dead person and carry around a Mac saying "I'm Steve Jobs! Get it?" Yeah we get it, now get out.

Anyway Halloween is best left to CHILDREN in the first place. Kids get to be whatever they want. It is an important decision. They begin planning their ensemble sometime over the summer. "I think I'm gonna be a Ninja Turtle." Bold choice, not too many kids pick that anymore. Now it's up to mom to get the costume ready. Money is spent. Finishing touches are added. October 31st comes, and the child rushes in after school, can't wait to get Turtled up. Mom says "Don't put that on yet, you have to eat dinner first, get over here and eat some ravioli." Finally it's dusk, time to TRICK-OR-TREAT. Costume goes on, looks perfect, and then mom says "You need to wear a winter coat and hat and gloves, it's freezing out."

So now there's a Ninja Turtle and a Batman and a vampire and a ballerina all walking up and down the street with winter coats on. It's hard to look "cool" on Halloween. Superman would not wear earmuffs and carry a plastic bag. He also wouldn't have his mother walking the streets with him. So the whole thing is compromised! There should be one day for the costumes and another day for the candy begging. Otherwise it just doesn't work out. How did those two traditions get combined in the first place? There should be SEPARATION of CHURCH and STATE like happens with Santa Claus.

Occupy Wall Street

Hey! There's this new thing you can do where if you don't like rich people you can go OCCUPY a space near the rich people. It's like a combination of 1960s sit-in protests and NFL tailgating.

The main current protest is on Wall Street. At the park. I didn't know Wall Street had a park until now. Does it have a playground, petting zoo, anything good? a FOUNTAIN? People could throw pennies in there. For Wall Street to KEEP. Ha! Take THAT!

The protests are now WORLD-WIDE. Including at least 600 U.S. communities. Really. 600. Can you even name 600 towns within the United States?

"Occupy Hutchinson, Kansas! We are sick of all the bullshit! Meet in the Dairy Queen parking lot! No tents."

"Occupy Nome, Alaska. It's basically what we're doing already!"

Now the obvious question. Where are all of these people URINATING? Especially the girls. Must be delicious irony when they manage to locate a public restroom and the sign says "Occupied."

What do the protesters want? Regulation of CAPITALISM! Just in time for the holiday season! So it's like the opposite of Black Friday. Instead of conglomerating at Wal-mart at 3am to spend, spend, SPEND as soon as the doors open, they just gather at the park and demand to be given stuff. In fact a good P.R. stunt for Wal-mart would be to send a Santa Claus to Wall Street with a big sack of money and just start handing it out to the protesters. "We at Wal-mart support your cause and stand with the 99%!" The Santa Claus, and many of the protesters, would of course be trampled to death but there's no such thing as bad publicity. The Dairy Queen in Hutchinson, Kansas could maybe start giving away free Blizzards! Which again would of course result in deadly tramplings.

In fact once the weather turns cold, and our U.S. parks are so soiled and ruined that nobody can use them anymore, the protesters should move on and OCCUPY the MALL. Just hang out and be in the way to slow down commerce. It's legal, old people do it every morning. They call it "mall-walking." Buy one cup of coffee and you're set, nobody can kick you out. Stand in the hugely long line at the Disney Store and then just don't buy anything. Fill a whole shopping cart with blu-rays at Best Buy and then just choose not to buy them. THAT will make a POINT about capitalist GREED.

Plus, nothing better to do, eh?

The evolution of HIPSTERS

So there sure are a lot of "hipsters" around these days. If you are not familiar with hipsters, or where they came from, this educational blog will explain it to you (I got a grant for this).

Hipsters are, like, these nerds with faux self-esteem. Years ago nerds used to be lonely. People would point and laugh at them. "You have no friends." They soon hypothesized that they could incorporate math and logic to disprove these taunts, so they started gathering in groups. "There, now no one can say that we have no friends. We outsmarted them, because we are smart." But it did not work. The taunting was just updated to "What a big bunch of geeks." Hmmm. Disappointing, but still fascinating, to the mind of the nerd.

They then realized that being solitary was not the issue. Darth Vader had no friends, but nobody made fun of HIM. So what was it? Since they were now gathered in groups, they could explore the common themes. Smart, into books, ill-fitting clothes, bad at sports...WAIT a minute...we are a STEREOTYPE!

So they began to change it up. Instead of two guys wearing glasses and suspenders, ONE guy wears glasses and grows a Fu-Man mustache, and the other wears suspenders with a BOWLER hat. If he really has poor eyesight, he just wears contacts. The guy that gave up his suspenders just lets his pants hang low.

Then they all started drinking a lot of coffee. Not like at Dunkin' Donuts where a bully or auto mechanic might see them, but at these little hole-in-the-wall independent cafes where they could safely gather in greater and greater numbers. Next thing you knew they were no longer ANTI-social, because they had CREATED a SOCIETY.

Interests in elitist subculture would now go unpenalized. Being smart would not only be permitted, but ENCOURAGED. and what PARTIES they would have, drinking ironic beers with only the boniest of women.

Everyone ELSE was an outsider now. Confidence swelled. Feeling empowered, they began to amuse each other by ridiculing the outside world. "Some people haven't even HEARD of Peter, Bjorn, and John!" "I quoted Garden State at the dinner table and my dad totally didn't get it."

Eventually the movement became too prominent not to be noticed. Modern nerds were all over, smoking cigarettes in front of book stores. Confrontation was inevitable. But what would be said? "Big bunch of geeks?" These were not geeks, these were super-smug smarty-pantses!

So I'm not sure where slang terms exactly come from, but I guess at some point someone complained, "You think you're so hip, DON'T you? You.....HIPSTER."

"Hipster" had previously been an insult hurled at creative types in the 1940s, so maybe it was an old person who brought it back. Old people are lame so they sometimes get sensitive and lash out when they're around regular people.

Some more things about hipsters are that they shop at Goodwill, use drugs, are mainly vegetarian but do not eat actual vegetables, don't exercise, are unmarried, know everything, and are jobless.

Feminism

It ain't too easy to become an actual FEMINIST. You got to get the estrogen/complaining ratio exactly right. Otherwise you just get called the b word and stuff.

a good first step is picking an important cause. You have to be careful about that, make sure it's actually important. If you live in a country where women are not allowed to vote, that's a good one. But like, if you are mad because people say "manhole" instead of "person hole," NO! That won't rally very much support. Ladies don't like going in those.

and don't picket outside the Manwich headquarters either with some dumb sign like "Equalitywich" or "We Have Appetites Too!" The Manwich people have been through enough.

Another thing you should do is have strong opinions in regards to Presidential wives. "Mary Todd Lincoln overcame significant struggles in her rise to prominence and should be talked about more at SCHOOL." "Lou Henry Hoover was WHORE TRASH."

Are men allowed to be feminists? Surprisingly YES! You see it's all about gender equality, not ladies just wanting a bigger piece of the pie. So where do you go to sign up? I don't know yet. I tried asking some ladies but they wouldn't tell me where the meetings were, and then I was asked to leave the mall.

What will be the next big achievement for feminists? (It's easy to guess if you think about it for a minute. So please do so and then scroll down to see if you are right.)

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You guessed it! a lady will become PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES! Or possibly an NFL kicker. Either way, it will be a historic achievement! There will be huge gatherings in the STREETS. Hugging, dancing, secret light use of marijuana, etc. Then two weeks later everybody will be screaming at the lady about oil and taxes. and the crucial extra point she missed.

Who is STILL going to the movies?

It's 2011. How can movie theaters still be doing big business? Stay home! There's Facebook and Playstation now.

Going to the movies costs about $9. It costs $18 if you bring a date. Then there's popcorn, drinks, bathroom fees, etc. So what, like $40 altogether? Do you need to see Dolphin Tale THAT MUCH?

150 people in the theater. and you have to trust all of them to behave. It only takes one idiot to yell out "I've seen this before! The dolphin has a baby at the end!" and everybody's night is ruined. and of course there's plenty of talking, texting, ringtones going off, hiccuping, wheezing, and sex.

Oh and of course EATING.

Explain this routine to me. Fat kid gets to his seat, loaded up with nachos, hot dog, 64oz cola, Jujyfruits, and popcorn. Then the Coming Attractions begin, and last about 35 minutes. He sits there with this tray of junk on his lap throughout all of it. Doesn't touch it. Then the actual MOVIE starts, and it's time to dig in! Exactly one second into the film he swallows half a hot dog, has torn open the Jujyfruits, and still found time to get nacho cheese on his face. HOW DOES ACTIVELY EATING HELP YOU ENJOY THE MOVIE? and vice-versa. "I can't fully enjoy a slice of movie pizza unless I'm LOOKING at George Clooney."

Then when the movie ends, everybody has to leave all at once. 150 people filing out, and guess who's the leader of the pack? The slowest guy ever. Takes a step, rests a bit, takes a step, rests a bit, takes a step, looks over his shoulder to see if anything good is happening within the credits, rests a bit, etc.

So you would THINK that everybody would be sick of this by now, but nope. They're still packing 'em in to see Stepbrothers 2. The world has gone MOBILE. Movie theaters are STATIONARY. It doesn't make any sense!

I am gonna personally sneak into a crowded movie and yell "FIRE!" in the theater. That is sure to induce panic. The slow guy will be TRAMPLED.

Soon you'll have a new phone app that will sort of "tweet" movies to you one scene at a time. You'll be able to watch an entire major studio release bit by bit at your convenience, throughout the day. You watch the beginning in the morning while on the subway, the middle while goofing off at work (I know what you do), and the end on the way home. Then your Saturday night is free! We'll all have a big bonfire and talk about the movie.


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