BOO: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 31, 2008)

Well it's Halloween time which means lots of spooky fun for kids and certain unmarried adults.  Let the terror begin with this special Halloween blog.


Halloween is a holiday, but you still have to go to work.  They might let you wear a costume, though, depending on what your job is.  People like priests and the mailman just have to wear their regular stuff.

Americans eat more candy on Halloween than any other day of the year.  Most of the candy is "fun size."  Don't eat a king size Snickers on Halloween, you will spoil your appetite.

Dracula can only be killed by a wooden stake through the heart.  That's what they say but I'm pretty skeptical.  When was this put to the test?  If he walked away from flaming airplane wreckage I'd be convinced.  Also what if the earth explodes?  Does Dracula just float around in space forever?  He apparently does not suffocate.  So next time someone tells you that Dracula can ONLY be killed by a wooden stake through the heart you tell them "BULL SHIT."

If you go to a Halloween party at school they will probably have donuts and cider there.  It is the spookiest food and drink combination, as determined by the Food and Drug Administration.

a Jack-o-Lantern might seem like a waste of a pumpkin, but the truth is there ain't too much else you can do with pumpkins.  Pie for Thanksgiving, I guess.  Other than that the pumpkin is pretty useless, but people keep growing them because they are cool to look at.  It's like when people have fish as pets.  You just look at them for a month and then throw them away.

Frankenstein is not actually named "Frankenstein!"  That was just the name of the doctor that built him and brought him to life.  The monster did not have a name I don't think.  Good thing Dr. Frankenstein wasn't married or the monster would have been named "Austin" or "Tyler" or something like that.

Some places will set up a "haunted house" for Halloween, designed to give visitors a good-natured fright!  Most of these attempts fall flat, however, as they fail to incorporate the most common fears.  (Heights, needles, public speaking...)

More people are afraid of clowns than skeletons.  This is because skeletons are educational, whereas a clown is just loud and creepy.  If you are afraid of skeletons you are not allowed to be a scientist.

The worst Halloween costume?  Santa Claus.

Halloween is a good day for practical jokes but only certain kinds (jumping out of a closet with a knife, fake bloody stump hand that gets pulled off when you shake, etc.)  No replacing someone's ear drops with super glue on Halloween, save that for other times.


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I gotta ask, what's with this zombie popularity?

For a long time, zombies were known for being the lamest and easiest-to-kill of all monsters.  That is why they always attack in groups.  Much like Hitler, a lone zombie is useless.

You can just lop (yes, LOP!) a zombie's head off immediately and then move onto the next one.  There's no interpersonal relationship.  It's not like with vampires where they pretend that they want to be friends at first and then quickly turn on you.  Zombies are incapable of subterfuge.

The Wolfman does not need help when he wants to kill people.  He just does it himself all honorably.  There is no army of wolf-men.  So I guess what I'm saying is that zombies are really just a bunch of scared pussies.  That's why they always congregate in large numbers.  There's never been any kind of badass loner zombie that takes care of unpleasant business all by himself.

In spite of their shortcomings, zombies these days are more popular than EVER.  People love to dress up as them.  There's zombie conventions, zombie dances, zombie pub crawls, zombie bingo, zombie charity walks, zombie pool parties, and extra-EXTRA-slow zombie chess.

Why aren't mummies popular too?  Not emo enough?  Imagine a Twilight-type novel about a sad mummy.  "I DESERVE TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS!"  The end would be a teenage girl slowly unwrapping a teenage mummy's bandages until he was NAKED!

Then the Wolfman would attack and maul the naked mummy to death.

(The teenage girl would be sad, but she would never forget him.)


Zombies are known for liking to eat human brains and flesh.  Do they like regular food too?

"Ooh, a warm pretzel!"

If a whole bunch of people dressed as zombies show up at Golden Corral, do they get kicked out?  If so, where CAN they go?  Can you wear a Halloween costume on the BUS?

 "Not THIS bus."


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Cereal (Part 1): a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 23, 2008)

For many years, children's cereal commercials depicted an unreasonable level of conflict and strife.

Some typical plots:

- The Trix Rabbit pines for a simple bowl of cereal, but little children delight in attempting to starve him to death

- Lucky the Leprechaun plays cruel headgames, trumping up his product as "magically delicious" only to snatch it away at the last second

- Sonny the Cocoa Puffs Bird suffers abuse at the hands of children that take pleasure in the force-feeding of the mentally ill


I think most of this has been stopped by now because the President decided it was teaching kids to do bad stuff.  Kids are supposed to SHARE.  They are not supposed to steal things and pick on animals.

Tony the Tiger used to have a whole family but you never see the rest of them around anymore.  Divorced I guess.  That happens too often with celebrities.  Did all cereal mascots have bad lives?  Captain Crunch seemed like a really good guy, but maybe he secretly had alcoholism.  At least he never let it affect his work.  Frankenberry Monster had a positive attitude, but also diabetes.

Being a cereal pitchman (they're always male) seems like a rough gig, it's such a competitive field.  Kids usually only eat two bowls of cereal per day.  They are pretty discerning when it comes to placing their trust in somebody.  It's almost impossible for a new cereal mascot to make a big impact on the scene.

Here is a list of FAILURES:

- Fruity Yummy Mummy

- Ice Cream Jones

- Officer Krum

- Undercover Bears

- Alpha Bits Wizard

- King Ayummayumma

- Big Yella the Corn Pops Cowboy

- The S'morcerer

- Colonel Corn Burst

- King Vitamin


Probably the most notorious flop ever was "Wally the Bear," who temporarily replaced "Dig 'em the Frog" as the Honey Smacks spokesperson in 1986.  There were many riots in the streets that day and the whole thing ended with a bunch of corporate firings.  (Frogs are tons popular, why doesn't everybody understand that?)

Fruity Pebbles is good but come on do they still need Fred and Barney?  It's 2008, those guys ain't got too much endorsement cred no more.  "If you want to know what's a good cereal, ask the Flintstones!"

"If you're looking for the best-tasting candy bar, check with Popeye."


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The HISTORY of PIZZA

Most humans, including history buffs, like to eat pizza.  Those same humans and history buffs can often tell you "who shot whom" and which country won which war and exactly when Jesus died.

BUT!  You never hear the exact details of where we got pizza from.  So as usual it's up to me to provide that information.  The government has been useless in doing so, and also in several other areas.

So here goes it.

Like the Olympics and most other things, pizza originated in Greece.  They just were not doing a very good job marketing it.  Not enough toppings.  There was no stuffed banana pepper pizza available in 19th century Greece.  Too bad, imagine if someone had thought to invent that all out of nowhere.  He probably would have made a million dollars, at LEAST.

So as usual, Italy stole, and introduced the modern day version of pizza as if it were an invention of their own.  It was slow to cross the border into America.  People in grandparent tymes used to be way too staunch (yes STAUNCH) about their ethnicity.  They would get all mad like "What is this?  Something NEW?  I will NOT try it!"

Since then, most old people have died though, so almost everybody likes and accepts pizza now.

Americans were afforded their first taste of a "pizza pie" courtesy of Italian immigrants who used to walk up and down the street carrying washtubs full of pizzas on top of their heads.  (I am NOT kidding about that.)  As usual, the simplest marketing strategy proved to be the most effective, and pizza quickly became all the rage.

Nowadays pizza is available almost everywhere!  You can get it at Pizza Hut, Papa John's, gas stations, concerts, festivals, Chuck E. Cheese, and usually bingo. You can probably even get it in hell, but it's probably "thin crust."

"Deep dish" pizza is very popular, especially in Chicago.  Do the restaurants there ever get competitive over which establishment has the DEEPEST-dish pizza of ALL?  If so, bring back the washtub, I say.  But instead of just selling one pizza off the top, slice the whole tub up real thick like happens with lasagna and cake.  Then call that Man vs Food guy to show up and try to eat it.  He really likes pizza, I heard.

After he finishes he also has to eat a spare-tire-sized chocolate lava cake and is also not allowed to die while eating it or else he "loses."

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Bugs: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 17, 2008)

Aside from being cool-looking, bugs ain't too cool.  They bite, sting, scare people, and infest things like a mother.  There is no way to get rid of bugs, as they are part of God's plan.  Fortunately he also implanted us with the good sense to murder them frequently and without hesitation!  (Exceptions: Butterflies, ladybugs.)

Bugs have "exoskeletons."  I like that, it seems very sanitary.  No sweating or anything.

Ants are said to be very strong, but you never hear a weightlifter described as having "ant-like strength."  Then again I guess you don't hear too many people describing weightlifters.


List of ways to fuck with ants:

- Put one on a helium balloon and let it go (outside)

- Put one on a tennis ball in the middle of the pool

- Put a few ants in a Tic-Tac box that is taped to a bottle rocket

- Put them on a record (one that's playing)

- Feed them some chocolate-covered ants and witness the horror when they eat through the chocolate shell


There have been several animated movies in which bugs were actually the PROTAGONISTS even though they are the bad guys in real life.  Very Godfather, no?

Fun fact: 50% of people that claim to be allergic to bee stings are either lying or have been lied to.  Good luck proving it though.

I wonder if any bugs in the woods have been accidentally shot by hunters?  That would be 1000 times more difficult than a hole-in-one in golf.  Sadly, if it ever happened, the hunter probably didn't know.

DID SPIDERMAN EVER KILL A SPIDER?  Did the other superheroes ever kill spiders when Spiderman was AROUND?  If the Incredible Hulk wants to kill a spider does he have to be very careful not to smash the whole wall?  Any comic book nerds out there get back at me.


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Hot Wheels, Matchbox, REAL cars, and more!

Cars cost a lot of money.  That is why you only buy them once in awhile.  It is a major COMMITMENT, like most spouses and larger-sized pets.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox type cars cost way less than real cars and require very little maintenance.  Still, if you are a kid that does not have a lot of money, picking one out is a major decision.  99 cents does not grow on trees.  (Imagine if it did, and also fell on people's heads regularly.)

Unlike what happens with real cars, nobody in the toy store will ever personally help you pick out a Hot Wheel or Matchbox car.  Try asking "May I see it?" like when you're shopping for jewelry.  They won't let you!  The Toys R Us employee will just stand right next to you as you stare at it through the plastic.  They will not let you test-roll it down the aisle.  You are not allowed to taste it.  You are not allowed to lick it.  How are you supposed to know what you're GETTING?


There are also these "model" cars that are a major upgrade from Hot Wheels but still non-functional.  They're still fake, just bigger and much more expensive.  I never had a pretend car like that, but I would see them in other people's homes and have to constantly be reminded that they were "not toys."  No rolling it around on the carpet, it's too big and important.  No putting it in the microwave or throwing it in the pool.

Sometimes pretty ladies are hired to stand next to very nice new cars.  Or else they sprawl across the hood or do a joke oral thing with the muffler.  Anything to attract a consumer.  There should be a collection of plastic car bimbo "minis" that you could put on or next to your Hot Wheels to help glamorize them.  What would be a good price for that, though?  The CAR is a dollar.  How much is the girl?  Imagine a gumball-type machine that's FULL of them.  Then you don't like the one you get, so you put another quarter in and try again.  Throw the first one out, she had too many opinions anyway.

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The economy: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 9, 2008)

I am a pretty decent expert on how the economy works because I got taught that at school.  So now I will explain it to you.  The economy is like when you buy an ice cream cone.  You probably won't want another one right away.  and if you do, it won't be as good as the first one.  That is why people only get paid once a week, it makes them appreciate it more.

Right now the economy is bad.  Most American families cannot afford essential things like gasoline and cereal.  a lot of people want to blame the government but maybe instead they should look in the MIRROR.  Think of some bad stuff you did to help ruin the economy.  Did you return something the day after Christmas, or accidentally drop your wallet in the sewer?

At any rate, things are pretty badly F*CKED UP!  Now in spite of what they say about me down at the public pool, I am not the kind of person that complains about a problem without offering a solution.  So here are some ideas I came up with to help turn the economy around:

1) No more gifts for pets.  Times are hard, and all the money that's being wasted on squeak bones, balls of string, and tiny little football jerseys could help save a neighbor's floundering business.  and here's the kicker: the pets won't even care!  They are perfectly content with free things like sticks and belly rubs.

2) Whenever you roll coins, leave the roll one short.  No one ever checks!  We'll all be dead (and rich!) before they figure it out.

3) Ban magicians.  They are always ripping up valuable hundred dollar bills, or making them vanish or lighting them on fire.  Then when they pull money out of your ear it's just a quarter.  Pretty bad deal.  a lot of them also waste money on wands and costumes when they could just use a stick and regular clothes instead (see "pets" above).


If you want to learn more about the economy there are several good books you can read.  I do not have the names of them handy but trust me they are good.  Check at a bookstore if you can still afford to buy things, or else go to the library.  Remember that the library is bad for the economy though so you should only get the books there if you like irony.


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So the government shut down, eh?

How come I'm still getting mail?  EVERY DAY, including junk mail.  That is NOT essential.  You could deliver on Mondays and Thursdays only and people would still get by.

The shutdown means that the Statue of Liberty is "closed."  F you, I can still SEE it, sucka!  I've never felt the need to "go in" and be all inside the Statue of Liberty's body.  Next time they renovate they should add internal organ exhibits.  "This is the Statue of Liberty's brain."

There could be a thing where you put a coin in a slot and get to see it go all the way down the Statue of Liberty's intestines.  Then the money goes to help pay government wages.  More ideas like THAT and we wouldn't HAVE all these problems, see?  SEE?

So get on that, Obama.

STOP SAYING "OBAMACARE."  Especially you, Barack.  That's OUR word for making fun of YOU.  Ronald Reagan never himself uttered the term "Reaganomics."  He only said "shmooply booply" and "God hates Russia" and other things like that.


Ever since the government shutdown, things have gotten TERRIBLE.  There have been so many layoffs at NASA.  Astronauts accomplished NOTHING this week.  The CIA hasn't been able to spy as much, and our parks are overrun with weeds.  Jesse the Body has been on TV yelling about all of this, but also mostly about buying his new book.

In his book he suggests that Oswald didn't really kill Kennedy.  Maybe he's right, maybe he's wrong.  But here's a good question.  WHY DO PEOPLE STILL CARE ABOUT THAT?  It was a pretty long time ago!

Imagine Hulk Hogan going on TV to theorize that an apple didn't actually fall on Sir Isaac Newton's head.

Maybe it did, brother.  Maybe it didn't.

Some other things affected by the government shutdown include the Lincoln Memorial, the Smithsonian, the Grand Canyon, and the I.R.S.

Things NOT affected include mail and church.  You can continue to enjoy both of those freely.

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Spell your name right: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 3, 2008)

Okay a big problem of the modern day is that about 98% of all people's first names are spelled wrong.

Years ago names were easy to spell.  "Mike" was "M-i-k-e."  "Ben was "B-e-n."  Even a potentially complicated name like "Jennifer" was a consistent "J-e-n-n-i-f-e-r."

Then along came "Sean," who was sometimes "Shawn."  Since then, the floodgates have opened and people now spell any name any old way they want.  They think that this will make their child special, but all it produces is a lifetime of corrections and the inability to purchase a novelty license plate for your bicycle with your name on it.

"Sean" and "Shawn" have now been joined by "Shaun" and "Shawne."  Like you really need that "e" on the end, it adds nothing.  "Well I want my kid to be different!"  Shut-up, all kids are the same.


"What is your name?"

"Mel."

"Oh that is m-e-l, I assume."

"No actually it's m-e-h-l-l-e."

Terrible.


It is time for the government to intervene.  We only need like 100 names, that is enough.  No more substituting an "i" for a "y."  "Cindi," "Marci," "Kimberli," all of you get out.  No "Kevans," "Genniphers," or "Phranques" allowed.

All Presidents in history have had properly-spelled names.  That is FACT.  Also the Beatles, the Brady Bunch, and the Apostles.  So let's end the nonsense.

(PS: Any pregnant ladies that need help picking a name for the kid can e-mail me and I will help for no pay.)


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