Charades blow

Sometimes at parties people want to play "games."

The only fun games are the kind you went there for in the first place.  Either poker or a limbo contest or "Oh man I will totally kick your ASS at Trivial Pursuit."

Otherwise there's this thing where someone will SUGGEST a game.  "Hey let's play Scattergories!"

Then someone else says "Let's all kill ourselves by jumping right out of the window and landing exactly on the very tops of our heads instead!"

Then a third person says, "Well, what about Apples and Oranges?"


Anyhoo, there is this main problem where children are not allowed to drink alcohol, but are frequently expected to play games anyway.

Pin the Tail on the Donkey, man.

WHY?  Even if you somehow get it right, it ain't too rewarding.  "The picture of the donkey is now anatomically correct.  The tail goes on his butt, and that is where you happened to place it in your quiet, blindfolded rage.  Good work."

It should at least be combined with a pinata where if you get the tail right on the butt the pinata explodes and candy and balloons fly everywhere and all the other kids cheer and start pigging in all the candy.

Kid #1: Great job, Herbert!

Herbert: Hey wait don't eat all the candy without me, I'm still blindfolded!


Is anybody else old enough to have played that game where you are supposed to drop a clothespin from the end of your nose exactly into the center of a tin can?  Again, not too rewarding.  Imagine being the best at that.  The best in the WHOLE WORLD.  What does it get you?  Maybe some really REALLY loose women, but little else.  (There's a metaphor in there...somewhere.  I'll find it later.)


Once you finally get to pube times "Spin the Bottle" becomes the main party game.  Which is perfectly sane and healthy except I am having a difficult time remembering what the bottle ITSELF was.  Kids ain't got no liquor.  What were we spinning?  an empty 2-liter of Pepsi?  Those don't spin too well, they bounce around.  Empty gallon of milk?  That kills the romance.

Aspirin bottle?

Kid #1: Ooooh, Herbert, you HAVE to kiss Suzie McJennifer now, the aspirin bottle is sort-of pointed NEAR her.

Herbert: It is technically pointing at Derrick.

Kid #1: .....


Twister is a party game that is very easy for adults to sexualize.

"Left foot BLUE?  Oh well, lady, I guess we HAVE to hump in front of everybody now."

But as an innocent kid you are so genuinely focused and serious.

"I want to WIN this GAME do NOT fall down."


Did some 3rd grade boy ever get mad at a 7th grade girl with early boobs for falling on him?

Herbert: YOU IDIOT!  Victory was within my GRASP.

Tina McJuliebecky: Oh, sorry, Herb.  Um, want to go somewhere and talk?

Herbert: NO.

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