Hey if you ever watch TV you may have seen these commercials in which Miracle Whip is aggressively calling out mayonnaise for being old-fashioned and boring.
What?
This is why I always say it don't take too much in the noggin to work in advertising. The Miracle Whip people sat down at a meeting and this is what happened:
"Okay umm everyone says Miracle Whip is gross. How can we change that?"
"We can't!"
"Well okay then ummm how can we sell more Miracle Whip anyway?"
"Get people to stop buying mayonnaise!"
"Okay umm how?"
"Say that it's bad!"
"It isn't bad though."
"Say that it's gay!"
"Can't."
"Say...that only jerks buy mayonnaise!"
"Hmmm okay good plan let's break for lunch, what do you want?"
"Anything but Miracle Whip it's TERRIBLE!"
Here are some facts.
1) You know what Miracle Whip is made out of? MAYONNAISE. They just mix in a bunch of other stuff. So Miracle Whip is attacking its own principal ingredient. It's like if potato salad came out all ready to start a fight saying "Man, mayonnaise SUCKS a BIG ONE don't eat that stuff" and then "...unless you add potatoes, celery, mustard, sweet pickles, and a little paprika to it!"
2) You know who makes Miracle Whip? Kraft. You know what else Kraft makes? MAYONNAISE. WHAT THE HELL?
Kraft also makes about a million other popular food items. Is this marketing strategy going to continue? "Hey yo spaghetti is wack, you should only eat macaroni and cheese." "You still eat ice cream? That is so 90s. Try just a big bowl of Cool Whip instead!"
The negative campaigning has got to stop. First all the Presidents were doing it and now this. Miracle Whip just better hope that mayo doesn't strike BACK cause there's lots that could be said, believe me.
"Hey Miracle Whip...didn't your company used to sell...cigarettes?"
"Did not...your chicken salad recipe...once ruin a baby shower..."
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Public broadcasting
The first public TV station was launched in 1952. The programming was not good. It was mostly an old man sitting in a chair reading books. a few weeks later, after numerous viewer complaints, he started to read them out loud. Sometime after that they introduced a bunch of dancing puppets, and things were officially off and running.
Since that time, public broadcasting has flourished. There are now hundreds of TV and radio stations in every part of the country, and all of them spend about 90% of their broadcast days threatening to go off the air. It's always "we need to raise $106 dollars in the next 55 minutes or we're gonna take away all your favorite shows." Is that a THREAT? "Give us one million dollars or the next episode of Nova will be scientists demonstrating how to blow up a bridge. Possibly one in YOUR TOWN."
Then they try to come up with these extra little incentives to get you to send them money. "Mail in $200 and you get this cool TOTE BAG! If you can't afford that send $175 and you get a button."
There is also this tactic they use on the radio where if they find out you listened without paying they call you on the phone and accuse you of being a cheapskate live on the air. "We know you listened to All Things Considered. Your roommate turned you in. He says you got some real deep pockets but never throw a buck to anyone for anything. Says you're so cheap, you went to Denny's and snuck in your own coffee. Says you went to the art museum and looked at everything through the window. Now that's CHEAP."
Some members of the police force specialize in hostage negotiations. I wonder if they ever call the pledge drives? Like if time is running out and things are getting tense. "I'm sending over a pizza but I want to see a full episode of Masterpiece Theater first. We can work this out, I know we can."
Negotiations break down, Kermit the Frog loses a finger, everybody's screaming, someone steals all the tote bags and flees the station...
Since that time, public broadcasting has flourished. There are now hundreds of TV and radio stations in every part of the country, and all of them spend about 90% of their broadcast days threatening to go off the air. It's always "we need to raise $106 dollars in the next 55 minutes or we're gonna take away all your favorite shows." Is that a THREAT? "Give us one million dollars or the next episode of Nova will be scientists demonstrating how to blow up a bridge. Possibly one in YOUR TOWN."
Then they try to come up with these extra little incentives to get you to send them money. "Mail in $200 and you get this cool TOTE BAG! If you can't afford that send $175 and you get a button."
There is also this tactic they use on the radio where if they find out you listened without paying they call you on the phone and accuse you of being a cheapskate live on the air. "We know you listened to All Things Considered. Your roommate turned you in. He says you got some real deep pockets but never throw a buck to anyone for anything. Says you're so cheap, you went to Denny's and snuck in your own coffee. Says you went to the art museum and looked at everything through the window. Now that's CHEAP."
Some members of the police force specialize in hostage negotiations. I wonder if they ever call the pledge drives? Like if time is running out and things are getting tense. "I'm sending over a pizza but I want to see a full episode of Masterpiece Theater first. We can work this out, I know we can."
Negotiations break down, Kermit the Frog loses a finger, everybody's screaming, someone steals all the tote bags and flees the station...
Saturday, April 3, 2010
What's with these people that own "Happy Birthday?"
Give it back!
If you don't know what I'm talking about, there are these people that own the rights to the song "Happy Birthday to You" and will not let anybody sing it unless you give them a hefty royalty check. They have had trouble enforcing this because people like to sing that song a LOT, especially at birthday parties.
They can really only catch you if you sing the song in a movie or on TV. That is hard evidence. For this reason, nobody ever sings "Happy Birthday" on television. They sing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" instead, which is a dumb song that nobody likes. Have you ever heard anybody sing that song for any reason in real life? Try busting out with it when someone at your workplace gets a promotion. No one will join in.
I spent all morning trying to find out exactly who the Happy Birthday people are, but could not. But I'm not giving up. These people are hiding in a mansion somewhere, getting fat off Happy Birthday royalty checks and laughing at us.
ATTENTION HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEOPLE: I WILL FIND YOU.
I know that you are reading this because you probably Google "Happy Birthday" every five seconds to make sure nobody is getting away with anything. I hereby DEMAND that you REVEAL YOURSELVES and stop charging everybody money to sing Happy Birthday. Otherwise I am gonna track you down and knock on the doors of all your neighbors and tell them what you're up to. I will do this by infiltrating the post office and asking if anybody knows of a mansion that a lot of checks are being sent to. Not too many people live in mansions.
and by the way, to whoever wrote "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow," I'm onto you too. I know that you really just ripped off "The Bear Went Over the Mountain." If you want to prevent me from telling everyone, e-mail me so we can discuss some bribes.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, there are these people that own the rights to the song "Happy Birthday to You" and will not let anybody sing it unless you give them a hefty royalty check. They have had trouble enforcing this because people like to sing that song a LOT, especially at birthday parties.
They can really only catch you if you sing the song in a movie or on TV. That is hard evidence. For this reason, nobody ever sings "Happy Birthday" on television. They sing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" instead, which is a dumb song that nobody likes. Have you ever heard anybody sing that song for any reason in real life? Try busting out with it when someone at your workplace gets a promotion. No one will join in.
I spent all morning trying to find out exactly who the Happy Birthday people are, but could not. But I'm not giving up. These people are hiding in a mansion somewhere, getting fat off Happy Birthday royalty checks and laughing at us.
ATTENTION HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEOPLE: I WILL FIND YOU.
I know that you are reading this because you probably Google "Happy Birthday" every five seconds to make sure nobody is getting away with anything. I hereby DEMAND that you REVEAL YOURSELVES and stop charging everybody money to sing Happy Birthday. Otherwise I am gonna track you down and knock on the doors of all your neighbors and tell them what you're up to. I will do this by infiltrating the post office and asking if anybody knows of a mansion that a lot of checks are being sent to. Not too many people live in mansions.
and by the way, to whoever wrote "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow," I'm onto you too. I know that you really just ripped off "The Bear Went Over the Mountain." If you want to prevent me from telling everyone, e-mail me so we can discuss some bribes.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Health care
Well the health care reform bill has been passed. Everyone is now confused and enraged. People on television, radio, and neighborhood streets will not stop yelling about it. Their anger knows no bounds. So what's the big deal? I will explain all the sweeping changes to you.
Some people, mostly artists and restaurant employees, used to like to bum around without health insurance. This will no longer be tolerated. So now they gotta pay for it, and the money will be used to buy medicine for old people.
You also have to pay a steep tax if you use a tanning salon. Many high school girls and pro wrestlers are outraged by this, but it is a fair tax. It always costs more money if you want to look good. Believe me, I know.
If people don't have enough money for health insurance, there are subsidies. You can get one of those by filling out paperwork and mailing it in. Don't forget the stamp!
There has also been talk of getting rid of certain "donut holes." I'm not sure why donut holes are being targeted, specifically, but they are definitely fattening and unnecessary. So I say get 'em out.
Finally there is this new law where slackers in their 20s get to stay on their parents' health insurance plan. Because that's what slackers need, more freebies. They are probably all gonna try to sign up for medicinal marijuana. or those painkillers that are all the rage these days. They should make a rule where you are only covered if you get a decent haircut. Then when they show up for the "medicine" hit them with a surprise job interview. Progressive thinking.
What is the point of all this? To pay the federal defecit. Experts believe that if all goes well, the debt will be paid somewhere around the time that we're all dead. But at least our children will be cared for. They'll probably be covered up to something like age 50 by then.
Some people, mostly artists and restaurant employees, used to like to bum around without health insurance. This will no longer be tolerated. So now they gotta pay for it, and the money will be used to buy medicine for old people.
You also have to pay a steep tax if you use a tanning salon. Many high school girls and pro wrestlers are outraged by this, but it is a fair tax. It always costs more money if you want to look good. Believe me, I know.
If people don't have enough money for health insurance, there are subsidies. You can get one of those by filling out paperwork and mailing it in. Don't forget the stamp!
There has also been talk of getting rid of certain "donut holes." I'm not sure why donut holes are being targeted, specifically, but they are definitely fattening and unnecessary. So I say get 'em out.
Finally there is this new law where slackers in their 20s get to stay on their parents' health insurance plan. Because that's what slackers need, more freebies. They are probably all gonna try to sign up for medicinal marijuana. or those painkillers that are all the rage these days. They should make a rule where you are only covered if you get a decent haircut. Then when they show up for the "medicine" hit them with a surprise job interview. Progressive thinking.
What is the point of all this? To pay the federal defecit. Experts believe that if all goes well, the debt will be paid somewhere around the time that we're all dead. But at least our children will be cared for. They'll probably be covered up to something like age 50 by then.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
First day of spring!
Well the snow has melted and it is now spring. The sun is shining and there are squirrels and bunnies and dogs and elk running around everywhere. It is a very exciting time of year.
The beginning of spring is officially called the "vernal equinox." I don't know who named it that, probably one of the old Presidents that was really into science fiction. Most people say "first day of spring" instead because it is better to use plain English. Almost everyone can understand basic English unless they aren't from here, and in those cases inventing new words and terms just adds to the confusion.
As a tax-paying citizen, you are obligated to take part in SPRING CLEANING. Take down those Christmas lights already! Clean up all those carrots and pipes and other snowman debris. You know who you are.
If you are like anybody else you are going to want to plant a garden. There are literally dozens of things you can grow, ranging from flowers to 300-pound watermelons. Gardening can be a fun and rewarding hobby, but there are many hurdles you will have to overcome. These include animals eating the crops, weeds, insects, frost, irrigation issues, sunburn, and thieves.
You know it's finally spring when you open a window and hear birds singing. Except they don't really "sing," do they? They just kind of yell and scream. Maybe they're excited, like little kids on Christmas morning. "HEY THE GROUND IS EXTRA-WORMY TODAY!" "COOL MAN, MUST BE SPRING!" "YEAH." Birds are pretty good about finding their own food, and yet people, especially old folks, are always wanting to feed them. Sometimes they even build houses for them. Old people are sugar daddies for birds.
Spring is a happy time of year, but it also rains a lot. Rain clouds are a symbol of depression. Umbrellas should be the opposite. The spokesman for Paxil or Zoloft should be a cartoon talking umbrella. He would open himself above a wet, depressed person. Then they smile, and there's suddenly a rainbow. Maybe with a big bottle of medication at the end of it, instead of a pot of gold. Why do advertising executives make so much money? These ideas write themselves.
The beginning of spring is officially called the "vernal equinox." I don't know who named it that, probably one of the old Presidents that was really into science fiction. Most people say "first day of spring" instead because it is better to use plain English. Almost everyone can understand basic English unless they aren't from here, and in those cases inventing new words and terms just adds to the confusion.
As a tax-paying citizen, you are obligated to take part in SPRING CLEANING. Take down those Christmas lights already! Clean up all those carrots and pipes and other snowman debris. You know who you are.
If you are like anybody else you are going to want to plant a garden. There are literally dozens of things you can grow, ranging from flowers to 300-pound watermelons. Gardening can be a fun and rewarding hobby, but there are many hurdles you will have to overcome. These include animals eating the crops, weeds, insects, frost, irrigation issues, sunburn, and thieves.
You know it's finally spring when you open a window and hear birds singing. Except they don't really "sing," do they? They just kind of yell and scream. Maybe they're excited, like little kids on Christmas morning. "HEY THE GROUND IS EXTRA-WORMY TODAY!" "COOL MAN, MUST BE SPRING!" "YEAH." Birds are pretty good about finding their own food, and yet people, especially old folks, are always wanting to feed them. Sometimes they even build houses for them. Old people are sugar daddies for birds.
Spring is a happy time of year, but it also rains a lot. Rain clouds are a symbol of depression. Umbrellas should be the opposite. The spokesman for Paxil or Zoloft should be a cartoon talking umbrella. He would open himself above a wet, depressed person. Then they smile, and there's suddenly a rainbow. Maybe with a big bottle of medication at the end of it, instead of a pot of gold. Why do advertising executives make so much money? These ideas write themselves.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Bowling
One thing that everybody likes to do is go bowling. Is it a fundamental American past-time, I guess because anybody can play, and Americans like to be included in stuff. (Examples: Most wars, wine-making.)
When you roll a bowling ball, the idea is to knock down all of the pins. I have done this in my life. In fact there are five-year-old children that have done it. It's nothing special. That is why most champion bowlers do not enjoy a lot of celebrity. They are never asked to endorse anything, including mustache combs and beer nuts.
See there are a lot of feats of athleticism the average person can excel at. You can shoot a basketball through a hoop, run really far with a football, or serve a tennis ball over a net. But if you want to compete in those sports, there is this concept of DEFENSE that will likely stand in the way of any significant accomplishments. When you try to run with the football, someone better than you will tackle you. When you hit the tennis ball, someone will be waiting to whack it back in your face. Bowling does not incorporate any defense at all.
So how could we change the rules? Well first of all the tackling is probably out of the question. Someone could stand in front of the pins like a goalie, but even the worst bowling goalie ("bowlie") is probably going to be able to stop every shot.
Maybe the best idea would simply be to let the participants say or do distracting things as the other person is trying to bowl. Yell out "HEYDONTMISS!" and stuff like that. You could jump around waving your arms, slide in front of the lane as he's lining up his shot, make personal attacks on his family, lots of possibilites. Concentration is an important part of bowling, it should be emphasized more.
Now I'm sure that any big-time bowlers out there that are reading this are completely outraged. You are saying, "You FOOL! You aren't good at bowling just because you got a strike ONCE. We bowling champions have done it HUNDREDS OF TIMES!" Well, shut-up. You know what else people do hundreds of times? Without messing up? Drive to work. Put on pants. Eat Chinese food WITH the chopsticks. and nobody gives them no trophy.
Another idea I would like is, if you get a strike, add more pins the next time. If you knocked down 10, try 15! 15 no problem? Go for 21! If you kept getting better you could eventually try for one of those elaborate domino set-ups, except with bowling pins. Where would you set it up, though? Better just use regular dominos and a marble.
When you roll a bowling ball, the idea is to knock down all of the pins. I have done this in my life. In fact there are five-year-old children that have done it. It's nothing special. That is why most champion bowlers do not enjoy a lot of celebrity. They are never asked to endorse anything, including mustache combs and beer nuts.
See there are a lot of feats of athleticism the average person can excel at. You can shoot a basketball through a hoop, run really far with a football, or serve a tennis ball over a net. But if you want to compete in those sports, there is this concept of DEFENSE that will likely stand in the way of any significant accomplishments. When you try to run with the football, someone better than you will tackle you. When you hit the tennis ball, someone will be waiting to whack it back in your face. Bowling does not incorporate any defense at all.
So how could we change the rules? Well first of all the tackling is probably out of the question. Someone could stand in front of the pins like a goalie, but even the worst bowling goalie ("bowlie") is probably going to be able to stop every shot.
Maybe the best idea would simply be to let the participants say or do distracting things as the other person is trying to bowl. Yell out "HEYDONTMISS!" and stuff like that. You could jump around waving your arms, slide in front of the lane as he's lining up his shot, make personal attacks on his family, lots of possibilites. Concentration is an important part of bowling, it should be emphasized more.
Now I'm sure that any big-time bowlers out there that are reading this are completely outraged. You are saying, "You FOOL! You aren't good at bowling just because you got a strike ONCE. We bowling champions have done it HUNDREDS OF TIMES!" Well, shut-up. You know what else people do hundreds of times? Without messing up? Drive to work. Put on pants. Eat Chinese food WITH the chopsticks. and nobody gives them no trophy.
Another idea I would like is, if you get a strike, add more pins the next time. If you knocked down 10, try 15! 15 no problem? Go for 21! If you kept getting better you could eventually try for one of those elaborate domino set-ups, except with bowling pins. Where would you set it up, though? Better just use regular dominos and a marble.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Some more questions and opinions for you (yes YOU)
When somebody needs glasses, they are either near-sighted or far-sighted. I wish that happened with the other senses. I want to meet somebody that can only smell things from far away. ("There's MEATLOAF around the block!")
Where do people get rope? I don't know any stores that sell that. and yet there are still so many people killing themselves and/or pulling boats around. They must know of a place. (Anyone that can help, get back at me.)
When there is a tragedy, like a house fire or train wreck, someone always shows up with blankets for the victims. Employers should arrange that when they have to fire somebody. a nice secretary puts a blanket over your shoulders and leads you away.
a pig might SEEM like the most ideal animal shape to use as a bank, but has anyone considered a giraffe? You put a coin right in the mouth and it slides down. Then you hear a satisfying *plink*.
Sometimes in life, there are meat raffles. It is very unnecessary.
a lot of people choose to waste part of their paycheck on scratch-off tickets. I say cut out the middleman. Just give them a scratch-off check. They'd be excited to see how much money they get to keep.
If you work in an office, they bring in cake when it's somebody's birthday. Does that happen at other kinds of jobs? I bet nobody gives you cake if you're a locksmith. or one of those British guards that isn't allowed to laugh.
How come toothpaste still only comes in a tube? That's so 80s, like soap in bar form. We should have individual paste capsules by now. They would fit right on the brush and you'd be all set. No more sharing.
So there are wine tastings, cheese tastings, beer tastings, etc. I never hear of nut tastings though. Why? Because people can't read the flier without making jokes? Grow up already.
Where do people get rope? I don't know any stores that sell that. and yet there are still so many people killing themselves and/or pulling boats around. They must know of a place. (Anyone that can help, get back at me.)
When there is a tragedy, like a house fire or train wreck, someone always shows up with blankets for the victims. Employers should arrange that when they have to fire somebody. a nice secretary puts a blanket over your shoulders and leads you away.
a pig might SEEM like the most ideal animal shape to use as a bank, but has anyone considered a giraffe? You put a coin right in the mouth and it slides down. Then you hear a satisfying *plink*.
Sometimes in life, there are meat raffles. It is very unnecessary.
a lot of people choose to waste part of their paycheck on scratch-off tickets. I say cut out the middleman. Just give them a scratch-off check. They'd be excited to see how much money they get to keep.
If you work in an office, they bring in cake when it's somebody's birthday. Does that happen at other kinds of jobs? I bet nobody gives you cake if you're a locksmith. or one of those British guards that isn't allowed to laugh.
How come toothpaste still only comes in a tube? That's so 80s, like soap in bar form. We should have individual paste capsules by now. They would fit right on the brush and you'd be all set. No more sharing.
So there are wine tastings, cheese tastings, beer tastings, etc. I never hear of nut tastings though. Why? Because people can't read the flier without making jokes? Grow up already.
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