Locked out of the house

The latest thing I did was lock myself out of my own house.

You see when I go running, I don't take my keys. I take my house key off the key ring, put it in my sneaker, run, and then when I get home I am theoretically supposed to put it right back on the key ring. Brilliant, no? Except what happens is that I get distracted by some sort of exciting mail or snack and don't put it back on the key ring until "later." So of course yesterday I never put it back on the key ring at all and when I got back from the supermarket this afternoon I could not get into my own house.

F-word.

I still have a lot of cool stuff. Food, booze, the dog, all my other keys, the car, money. I can go wherever I want and do whatever I want! I just cannot go into my own house until my wife gets home from work.

It's a very funny feeling, I don't know how often it happens to people. I am HOME, but I cannot go into the house. Not a lot of things you can do at home without going into the house itself. If it was summertime I could have mowed the lawn. If it snowed today I could have shoveled it. But there was nothing to do. I stood around in the backyard drinking beer and throwing snowballs to the dog. Which was a pretty good time in and of itself!

The beer drinking brings me to my next point which is that when you are at home and locked out of your own house there is nowhere to go to the bathroom! We don't have the sort of yard that has lots of trees and bushes in it. There are just fences and neighbors with windows and telephone wires and birds. and I can't drive anywhere now because of the beer. Hmmmm.

There's no funny ending. I had the dog leash in the car so I walked the dog around for awhile and then my wife came home. and you might be thinking "DON'T YOU LEAVE A SPARE KEY WITH SOMEONE NEARBY!?" and of course I do but I forgot to give it back to him after I locked myself out of the house three weeks ago.

True story.

Kids are afraid of stupid things

Most people are afraid of something. With adult people it's usually something reasonable and understandable. Fear of flying. Public speaking. Heights.

Children have some fairly rational fears as well. Afraid of dogs, maybe. Afraid of the dark. But then they always tack weird shit on. "In addition to those things, I am also afraid of going to the barber, Willy Wonka, and clowns."

It's always so random with little kids. "Do NOT show me a picture of Abraham Lincoln. I am AFRAID OF HIM!" Imagine that, a kid running away from a penny. I've seen it happen.

and then there is this other thing where even if a child LIKES something a LOT they freak out when they get too big a dose of it. Santa Claus, the classic example. So excited about Santa but then when they see him in person they start crying. Or like when Barney the Dinosaur shows up at a birthday party there is always at least one kid screaming his head off.

Are there support groups for childhood fears? Kids sure get babied and doted on a lot these days. "Everybody sit in a circle and talk about why Big Bird is so frightening to you." "I'M AFRAID HE'S GONNA TRY TO *GET* ME!" "I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HE GOES TO THE BATHROOM!"

and yet take a kid on a plane, or ask them to speak in front of a large group, and they're fine. What gives? Something flips in the human brain at a certain age I guess. Kids don't even fear death! They eat a lot of fried foods and run around in front of cars. But then you take them to see the Sonny and Cher impersonators that are singing at the mall and suddenly they are terrified.

Stupid kids.

Daylight Savings Time is idiotic

It doesn't save any daylight, you get the same amount of daylight at different times. Go into work early if you're so worried about when the sun comes up! The rest of us want all clocks to be the same.

You know where they don't have Daylight Savings Time? CHINA. No wonder they're so good at math and the Olympics. U.S. athletes are in training now and they are all one hour sleepier today. That could make a DIFFERENCE. Sometimes in the Olympics people win by only like one point.

and you know who are jerks? The people that actually REMEMBER the clock thing ahead of time and go around telling everybody. "Don't forget to set your clock ahead an hour tonight!" Then you go "Aww, that's TONIGHT? I had plans for that hour!" Going home all mad about having to read clock instructions, clock in the car doesn't get fixed for like five whole months...

They should at least find a way to make DST fun, like how so many holidays have funny traditions. Everybody gets to go to church in their pajamas. Or a rule where if you catch someone yawning you get to elbow them real hard in the ribs. Something like that.

Anyway enough people are mad about Daylight Savings Time that we should at least have a vote. Obama never even brings it up. Why is he DUCKING the ISSUES? Imagine the campaign ads. Some guy on a poorly-lit golf course saying "I like to golf early in the summer, don't you? But look at how dark it is!" Then in response some girls in bikinis say "Who wants to GOLF when you can have longer summer nights at the BEACH!" Then later the golf guy is back saying "You dumb bitches I've been to beach parties at night, you just light a bonfire."

From then on it gets nastier and nastier and then we vote, maybe not the same year that we vote on a President though cause there could be conflicts of interest.

Everyone is mad at Charlie Sheen

So the main thing going on lately is that Charlie Sheen has become a completely crazy nut that hates all people and he got kicked off television because of it.

It's not like before where he was SORT-of a crazy nut doing bad hooker stuff and threatening people, he is really off the deep end now. Also he is the most popular person in the history of Twitter including Obama. Nobody can wait to find out what this maniac will say next! "Dolphins should be killed and all babies should have to sleep right on the FLOOR." It will be something like that.

See the problem is that his television show "Two and a Half Men" is the only comedy show left that people still want to watch. I think it's because there's only men in it. There used to be a lot of shows with ladies in them, and the lady would be nagging her husband all the time ("You are dumb and should admit that men are never right about things!") and then they would play the laugh track and everyone at home would have a good time. That doesn't happen anymore. Nowadays ladies on TV are only well-liked if they are

a) Solving murders

b) Looking for aliens

c) Kissing vampires or other ladies

d) Wearing tight clothes on a spaceship

So now Charlie Sheen has all this clout being the only person that can keep a comedy show on the air. It has made him feel like a big shot and he thinks he can shoot his mouth off whenever he wants! I heard that FOX was gonna try to get Emilio Estevez to be in a show called "FOUR and a Half Men" but it didn't work out. I guess he was too busy.

What should we do about Charlie Sheen? Should he be arrested? Should he have to talk to OPRAH? Maybe we should make a new rule where he isn't allowed to go on planes.

Then again, maybe we should EMBRACE him. Just keep encouraging him, get him to do more and more insane stuff. Everyone hated the Oscars this year, maybe Charlie Sheen should host. He could crack everybody up with his comments. "...and the award for UGLIEST ETHNIC PERSON goes to...oops I read that wrong folks!" Murmurs of laughter fill the room, and Charlie Sheen is delighted. Everybody wins!

Are the other One and a Half Men mad at him? He sort of wrecked their gig. They should get on Twitter too and say bad stuff about Charlie Sheen to get even. "Charlie tries to seem cool but he actually collects Hot Wheels and I saw him eat a Taco Bell box meal once. He couldn't even finish it."

Charlie Sheen should also be the host of the Tonight Show, compete against Watson on "Jeopardy!", have a Christmas special, and be on the next season of "Dancing With the Stars" and scream epithets at his dance partner the whole time.

Also Michael Jordan should condemn him as a "Hanes" spokesman or at least do an ad where he runs him over with his car.

Blind, dairy products, etc.

I have never seen a homeless person on a skateboard. How come? Seems like a good way to get around. and if you think nobody would want to give money to a person on a skateboard, just wait until you see the TRICKS.

How come there's no big brand name half and half? I never see commercials for it, at least. Is it just a thing nobody is the best at making? Cause there's tons of potential, you just change up the ratio to 53/47 or something. That becomes the secret recipe. You could call it "Whole."

People always lose their glasses. Does anyone lose a hearing aid? I never see any hearing aids left behind on the bus or at parties. "Did someone lose a hearing aid?" "WHAT?"

Ever been to a blind person's house? No mirrors! If you feel like your hair is out of place you have to fix it in the toaster. Don't mess with the light/dark switch though, blind people like to make toast without checking.

You know what's sad? a blind clown. Needs extra help with the make-up, needs a ride to all the gigs, balloon animals are never exactly right...

How come yogurt only comes in one size? You should be able to get it in a larger tub like happens with sour cream. and don't say "you can just eat two!" Nobody does that.

Want to come off as a wine expert? Just sip wine and use words that have nothing to do with wine. "This one is kind of woody." "This one is chocolatey, yet triangular."

When you see a police car parked at a pizza place, what is your initial thought? Is it "hey some cops are eating pizza" or is it "a delivery guy must be missing/MURDERED." There are places you don't expect to see cops, like at the beach. If you see a cop at the beach you know somebody died. Or at amusement parks. Cops at amusement parks are never being amused. They are very serious, asking questions like "who fell out?" or "where's the guy that was touching people?"

The girl that's going to school in her pajamas

Okay if you haven't seen this commercial there is this girl that is excited to be getting an education online. I'm thrilled for her, I'm sure she will become a great doctor or scientist or whatever she wants to be.

Now if they are running these ads so frequently that says to me that they must be working. Who is taking this girl's opinion on where to get a COLLEGE EDUCATION? "That girl is cute so I think I will study online to be a pharmacist."

and so what if she's cute? It's not like you get to go to CLASS with her. She does everything from HOME.

I can understand using cute ladies in advertising if it's something like cigarettes or milk but, man, CAR INSURANCE? Is somebody out there changing their car insurance plan because they have a thing for Progressive Flo? Or the Erin Esurance CARTOON?

a lot of people have trouble selling a home, especially if it has a leaky roof or bad wiring or something. They should get a hot lady to stand in front of the house waving her arms so someone will BUY it.

They use funny cartoons to pitch cereal to children. a lady with big boobs should pitch cereal to adults. "Eat some Kix, then you can DO me!"

Some things that great-looking ladies tend to advertise:

- Beer

- Car washes

- Cologne

- Shaving stuff

- Yogurt

- Tic Tacs

- Booty Pop

- The news

One thing that doesn't work though is political ads. You can't get a lady to be like "Vote for Obama, he is GOOD!" People want to see the real guy or lady that's running for the office. John McCain tried to do that Sarah Palin thing and it blew up in his face. Now everybody hates and mistrusts her and all she can do is write books.

Too bad, I would like to see her in commercials sometimes. "I'm running for President in my PAJAMAS!"

Something like that.

Hawaii

So America has become a much different place in that there are now bad snow and ice storms in every state. All of the teachers and scientists that spent years talking up "global warming" should be sanctioned and then fired. It's colder than ever! Most earmuff companies are reporting that sales are through the roof. There have been many school closings, even in states like Alabama and Mississippi where all the kids were way behind ALREADY.

The lone exception is the always-reliable Hawaii, which is still a tropical paradise. Most people would like to go to Hawaii. It is the most popular adult vacation spot besides maybe Las Vegas, but people only want to go to Las Vegas to do bad immoral stuff. When people get back from Hawaii, they can't wait to show you the pictures. When they get back from Vegas they just want to make quick trips to church, the bank, and maybe the V.D. clinic and then pretend none of it ever happened.

The catch, of course, is that Hawaii is REALLY FAR AWAY. So it's hard and expensive to get to. It has to be that way though otherwise everybody would go all the time. Including people that nobody wants around, like happens at Disney and Wal-mart.

Some dumb questions that tourists ask while in Hawaii...

"What time is it in America right now?"

"Do you take American money?"

"Do you know where Hawaii 5-0 is being filmed?"

"Who is the President here?"

"How come nobody is dressed like a Hawaiian person?"

"Do you have Burger King here?"

"Are we allowed to look inside the volcanoes?"

"What religion are people here?"

"Is there anything good on the other islands?"

"Is Alaska your friend or enemy?"

"Can you direct us to the Magnum P.I. museum?"

"Where are the bathrooms?"

To any native Hawaiians on the street...

"Do you work here?"

and of course, to any Caucasian-Hawaiians...

"Where are you from?"

BUT! It is still okay to want to do "Hawaiian stuff" while you're there. They know that's why you came. So there is lots of fun to be had! They have luaus, hula dancing, surfing, ukelele concerts, lei greetings, palm tree climbing, poi eating, pizza with pineapple on it, false idols, Hawaiian shirts, whales, and sights. Everything is safe and supervised, so jump right in!

Some history...

Hawaii used to be its own kingdom, but it didn't work out. There were too many islands to keep tabs on (there are over 100!) and then one of the kings died without remembering to have any kids. So they tried "electing" a king but they didn't have any voting booths or printed ballots to rely on so you can imagine how that went. Tons of election fraud, a lot of people tried to get away with voting twice and stuff.

So AS USUAL the United States had to step in and clean up another country's mess. They helped overthrow the monarchy (if it had been George W. Bush doing it there would have been such worldwide uproar) and Hawaii became at first its own republic, then a "territory," then eventually a STATE. This caused huge problems because the U.S. had to design all new flags, after having just done the same thing for Alaska a year earlier. Think of how many flags you see in a day, then try to imagine how many there are in the whole country. and since you can't throw flags out in the garbage they all had to be respectfully burned, which of course causes air pollution, which in theory causes GLOBAL WARMING, and yet like I said it is now cold and snowing EVERYWHERE except Hawaii.

So what gives?

For more information on a Hawaiian vacation you can try calling their official tourism authority or visitors bureau. I don't have the numbers but if you find them remember that it's much earlier there so you should probably call at night.