How to catch a mouse

First thing people think of is "get a cat."  Problem with that is then you have to OWN a cat.

"Oh it's cool if my house smells like pee all the time."  Dog owners have to put up with a similar thing. Except it's OUTside!  AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?

Cats pee and poo inside of a special bin inside of the house.  There are many products available to reduce the SCENT.  I gotta ask though, WHY NOT OUTSIDE?  It would be extremely proper to place that kitty shit bin outside of the house.  You will never do that, though.  Wanna know why?  CATS DO NOT LIKE PEOPLE.  If you let them outside they RUN AWAY.

They are JERKS, everyone knows that.


(Hang on a minute...)


Okay, now that I have slept through my temporary rage, let's get back to trapping mice.

Remember how on Tom and Jerry there was that stereotypical mouse-hole in the wall?  That obviously never happens for real.  Why not, though?  Let's start doing it, I say.  Even if it's just black paint.  Imagine a small child or midget getting fooled and trying to look in.

Better yet, craft a REAL one.  If you happen to have the means, you could set up a decently cool apartment in there like Jerry had.  Furniture and shit.  It would be like Barbie's place except a bit nicer and also inside of your wall.  Think about it.  There would be very few limitations.  You could have a Barbie pool IN there!  WITH a waterslide!  Imagine a real-alive guest peeking inside and being SO impressed.  WAY better than a fish tank.


What is the weirdest environment in which to have a mouse problem?  It's usually rural homes and businesses.  But does a mouse ever get loose and establish a life at a GYM?  Some angry gym employee...

"Oh my GOD that mouse got into the protein bars AGAIN."

NEVER be an angry gym employee.  Never EVER.


"Yay I finally murdered him!!!"

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Burger King relocating to Canada

The U.S. government is furious over this because it would result in a major loss of tax revenue, but guess what Obama?  It was YOUR WIFE that told everybody not to eat unhealthy fast food all the time in the first place.  Now you are seeing the repercussions.  Burger King lets you "Have It Your Way," but YOU can't have it BOTH ways.  Do you guys WANT Burger King here or NOT?  Make a decision!  You are the President!

(I wonder if they fought about it while at Camp David?)


There's another major victim in this, that being Mickey D's.

Canadians are very prideful.  What Canadian person would go to a McDonalds now?  You'd be shunned.  It would be like going to Dunkin Donuts instead of Tim Hortons, or Taco Bell instead of.....wherever Canadians get tacos.

So finally for once, after years of failure, BK seems to have outsmarted McDonalds in at least ONE small way.

They relocated to a MONARCHY!

If you didn't know this, Canada technically recognizes the Queen of England as its monarch.  (I am not making this up.)  and like most things in Canada, Canadian people LIKE it that way.  Same as how they love hockey, their different bacon, and Celsius.

"22 degrees!  It's so hot out!"

(Just give in at least on THAT one, already.  You know it sounds dumb.)


I propose a series of TV ads in which the Burger King and Queen of England fall in love and get married.  The actual Queen probably wouldn't agree to participate, but that's okay.  You just get a stunt double and/or lookalike.  Then there would be Kids Meals in which the free included toy would be one of four celebratory action figures: the King, the Queen, Tim Horton, or the Royal Baby (rarest and most sought-after).

Collect them all!

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Butterfly and Moth Are Friends

(This is like "Frog and Toad Are Friends," except stolen.)

Butterfly: MOTH!  I have finally emerged from my cocoon, and am now fully prepared to enjoy an enriching life filled with joy and wonderment.

Moth: OOH, a LAMP!

Butterfly: I will witness sunrises and sunsets.  Children being born.  Holidays with family, and fun and amazing adventures with friends.

Moth: I JUST BANGED INTO A WALL REALLY HARD BUT KEPT FLYING AROUND!

Butterfly: I'm not certain what I would like to be.  a poet?  Maybe an actor.  I guess I could learn to play the guitar.

Moth: I MIGHT GO TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE!

Butterfly: Oh look over there.  Some fresh-cut grass.  Isn't that always nice?

Moth: WHAT'S A CIVIL SERVICE TEST?  HOW DO YOU GET ONE?

Butterfly: Riding a bike to work seems like a good idea.

Moth: I AM GONNA ORDER SOMETHING AT MCDONALDS AND THEN COMPLAIN!

Butterfly: Did you know that butterflies are awake at night TOO?  I love the stars.

Moth: I LOOK FOR STREETLIGHTS AND BONK MY HEAD INTO THEM 6000 TIMES IN A ROW!

Butterfly: I am glad that we are friends, Moth.

Moth: I WISH THAT I HAD MONEY AND THAT EVERYONE AGREED ABOUT RELIGION!

Butterfly: See you tomorrow.

*Butterfly goes away.

Moth: GOD DAMMIT.

The end!

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Doritos and Addiction

(Look at how festive the bag is.  Also note the NET WT.)

Almost everybody is crazy about Doritos.  Even Saddam Hussein was.  Everyone saw.  Who gave Doritos to Saddam Hussein?  Does he get to eat Doritos in hell TOO?  If so I hope they are Cool Ranch with all the ranch coating licked off and also with all the corners missing.


NOW then.  It's no secret that Doritos are a staple food of weed-heads.  Greedy corporate types have been attempting to exploit this for YEARS.  Maybe like THREE years.

and oh look at this coinkydink, legalized and/or "medicinal" marijuana is suddenly all the rage in a certain percentage of states.  I sense COLLUSION.

Okay, whoops, I accidentally uploaded the wrong photo.  But you get my point anyway.


Why do people eat "taco in a bag?"  a taco is not that expensive.  You KNOW why they eat it.  They are actively ON DRUGS.

"Dude, a taco in a BAG?  That's far out, man.  I GOT to SEE that.  and then eat it...amongst other things."


So now the latest innovation is "Doritos Loaded" which is available EXCLUSIVELY at 7-11.  and gee (yes, GEE!) guess who turns up at 7-11 in the middle of the night?

Remember being like 8 years old and going to some other kid's birthday party and they only had the crappy version of cheese-flavored corn chips?  You ate them anyway.  You know you did.

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Classic rock stations only PRETEND to respect the Beatles

The Beatles WERE great, most cherished and beloved ever, but hey how about actually PLAYING their music sometimes.

It ain't right to just use a PICTURE of John Lennon on your website or mobile van and then just play Deep Purple all day.  WHO IS THAT FOR?

Are a bunch of guys fixing a roof too embarrassed to admit that the Beatles "I Want To Hold Your Hand" is a really great and treasured song?  Instead it has to be "Radar Love" by Golden Earring?  That's like the all-time roofing anthem.  WHY?

"We all agree that this is the best song to roof to.  No Paul McCartney at ALL.  Hey maybe we'll hear some JETHRO TULL next!"


You never hear Elvis on rock stations either.  How come?  He was the KING of that!

Instead it's Steely Dan and Grand Funk Railroad.  GOOD PROGRAMMING.

I guess I'M the one that's wrong, because they certainly must have charts and graphs to prove that their formula is a winner, otherwise why would they keep doing it?  But imagine a CLASSICAL music station that refused to play Beethoven or Mozart.  Would not be very good.

"Beethoven was great.  But here's some crap instead!"

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We are running out of fat celebrities

By which I do not mean that they are DYING, they just keep getting SKINNY, which is good, but don't we sorta need fat people AROUND?

So, like, "Newman" from Seinfeld lost a lot of weight.  and that was a VERY GOOD thing to do.

We still need fat people, though!  Even if just for VARIETY.


Think about Marie Osmond.  She was skinny, then she got fat, and then she got skinny AGAIN.  Yet (YET!) she was ALWAYS so good, REGARDLESS of weight.

Samuel L. Jackson another one.

I do not judge people based on body type, I just approve of everybody all the time.  It can be weird, though, not knowing what to prefer or expect.  Like when you go on the airplane and can't remember which meal you picked.

"Did you ask for a fat Marie Osmond or a skinny Marie Osmond?"

"Ummm, both would be okay but I CAN'T REMEMBER!"


Quick tabloid idea: Marie dating Newman.

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There should be an ugly James Bond

It's too discriminatory.  Ugly people can be smart and witty and good at escaping murder, too.

Everyone knows that most Hollywood celebrities are expected to be nice to look at.  There are sometimes exceptions though, like "Hey Vern, It's Ernest" and also Roseanne.

and hey WHY can't James Bond ever be of a different ethnicity or possibly even a lady?  They keep changing James Bond anyway.  Switch it up!  Make him a girl, it would be like Charlie's Angles except only one of them.  I guess there could be some logistic problems, such as how women always have to pee every 15 minutes, but otherwise I think it could be pretty neat!

DID THE CHARLIE'S ANGELS GIRLS "GO TO THE BATHROOM" IN GROUPS?  Either on the show or in real life.  If you were one of them, get back at me.

How come Batman is always supposed to be handsome too?  He wears a MASK.  With BAT EARS on it!

What about a girl version of "Dukes of Hazzard?"  Imagine them sliding in and out of the car all the time, that would be neat.

Replace the Daisy Duke character with Timothy Dalton.

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