Pelton and Crane Dental Equipment (Part 2 of 2)

Here it is!

Hot off the press, my brand new play documenting the fabricated history of the Pelton and Crane company.  Enjoy!


***PELTON AND CRANE: A PLAY IN ONE ACT***

(Written By Captain Dan)


Crane: Good morning, Pelton.

Pelton: Good morning, Crane.

Crane: I see you have some documentation there.

Pelton: Well yes.  I have completed my exit interviews with the test subjects, and unfortunately the news is not good.

Crane: What?  What do you mean, "not good."

Pelton: Their reviews of your new C-1000V28 "gum scraper" were rather unfavorable.

Crane: That's impossible.  It works perfectly!  Completely sanitary, and absolutely flawless in design.

Pelton: They say it "hurts."

Crane: It's SUPPOSED to hurt.  That's how you know it's WORKING.

Pelton: Crane, maybe it's time you had a vacation.  Took some time to get your head together.

Crane: Where is this coming from?  I can't take a vacation, I'm on the verge of completing the C-1000V909!  The vibrating toothpick!

Pelton: Yes, I've been meaning to question you about that.  Where in the world is the battery supposed to go?

Crane: That's the whole problem!  NOW do you see why I can't take a break?

Pelton: Crane, there's more.  I've been in the basement.

Crane: What on earth were you doing down there?

Pelton: I was just going to read some comic books.  But I saw, Crane.  I saw that thing...that you're building.

Crane: You had no business looking under my sheet.

Pelton: I saw everything, Crane.  The blueprints, the sketches, the...gruesome calculations.

Crane: Those are PRELIMINARY.


Pelton averts his gaze.  He sighs, wistfully.


Crane: Look Pelton, I just need a little more time.  a little more time to calibrate the asphyxiator.

Pelton: WHY would you even CONCEPTUALIZE such an abomination?

Crane: It's to SILENCE the SCREAMS.

Pelton: Crane, old friend, we were but young boys when we first embarked on this adventure together.  Young, naive boys.

Crane: That we were, Pelton.  That we were.

Pelton: Remember these?


From the pocket of his labcoat, Pelton produces a simple set of plastic teeth.

Crane stares at them, transfixed for a moment, and ultimately hangs his head.


Crane: Yes, Pelton.  I remember.

Pelton: The years have been hard on both of us.  I dare suggest we may have forgotten just what dental equipment is supposed to be all about.

Crane: I'd say you're right, Pelton.  You're very right.


Crane looks up at Pelton, and neither can help but crack a smile.


Pelton and Crane: (in unison) $$$THA MONAAAYYYYY!!!$$$


Then "Jungle Boogie" starts playing and Pelton and Crane dance while confetti falls.


Crane: Merry Christmas, Pelton!

Pelton: Merry Christmas, Crane!

(Oh, this whole play takes place on Christmas Eve, btw.)


***THE END***


THERE!  Okay so if any school or production company is interested in buying my play, please get back at me.  Keep in mind that there's only two characters in it so it would be easy to schedule rehearsals.


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Picketing: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted September 24, 2007)

Okay it is important to stand up for what you believe in but I don't think making a sign and holding it up helps.  I never felt differently about something because I saw somebody picketing.  Someone has a sign that says "Joe's Shoe Store is UNFAIR TO WORKERS!" like I'm supposed to stop going there.  I didn't even hear Joe's side of it.  and then every time a celebrity gets arrested there are these people that come out of the woodwork with their signs.  "PUT HIM IN JAIL!" or "LET HIM OUT OF JAIL!" or whatever.  MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

There are a lot of things I am strongly opposed to.  For example, multiple condiments on french fries.  French fries are best with ketchup, but there are some weirdos out there that like mayo on their french fries instead.  WHATEVER.  Live and let live.  But then it goes too far when some people decide to put ketchup AND mayo on their french fries at the SAME TIME!  That is not right.  I have even seen people do it with ketchup and mustard.  MUSTARD!  ON FRENCH FRIES!  It is so terrible.  But I will never go to a high school cafeteria with a big sign that says "DON'T USE TWO THINGS ON FRENCH FRIES!"  I have a life, you know?

Another thing I hate is when people wear the hands-free telephone thing on their ear and walk around in public talking to themselves.  I tried to make a sign with a big red slash across the face of a person who was wearing one of those, but the ear thing was too hard to draw.  It looked like I was just strongly against stupid-looking jerks, which I kind of am but that wasn't the point right then.

I guess that's kind of convoluted because I already said that picketing was a waste of time but the idea behind that sign wasn't to change anyone's opinion.  I just wanted people to feel bad.

So yeah lately I am pretty full of hate I guess.  I keep having to wait in line at the beer store behind some fool that is buying tons of scratch-off tickets, scratching them right there at the counter, and using the $1 or whatever he wins to buy more scratch-off tickets.  You can probably understand how that can get a person all irritated.


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Pelton and Crane Dental Equipment (Part 1 of 2)

Ever since my mouth had teeth in it, I have been going to the dentist.  Much has changed over the years.  The staff.  The locales.  Things costing more.  Pina colada flavored tooth polish.  But one thing has remained constant.

Pelton and Crane.

The leaders in dental equipment.  Their brand name is somewhat LITERALLY burned into my brain, after so many hours staring into that lamp.  They do it all.  The chairs, the tools, even the cabinets.  and Pelton and Crane have established themselves as a company that I trust.  If they made toothpaste I would BUY it.  Screw Colgate, they don't even know HOW to make a chair.

So in those same hours spent starting into that lamp, one cannot help but contemplate how all of this came to be.  Who WERE Pelton and Crane?  Were they childhood friends, dreaming out loud about innovations in the world of dentistry?  Did they have a treehouse?  Which one of them kissed a girl FIRST?  and how jealous was the other?

Unfortunately, it has been difficult to find the answers to these questions.  Pelton and Crane do not even have a WIKIPEDIA.  I would like to create one for them, but I got banned from wikipedia some time back because of all that fake shit I made up about Gulliver's Travels.

At the end of my dental visits, the dentist usually asks if I have any questions.  I usually do not.  I imagine he gets asked a lot of questions about wisdom teeth and cigarettes and floss, but I never have questions about that stuff.  After my last appointment, though, I decided to finally ask him something.

Me: Who were Pelton and Crane?

Him: What?  Oh, that's just the company that makes our equipment.

Me: No no, I mean who were THEY?

Him: I.....don't really know, sorry.

Me: Whatever.


I paid the bill anyway and left.  and ever since, NO ONE has been able to help me.  Pelton and Crane do not have a Facebook or Twitter.  I went INTO A LIBRARY and found nothing.  Even church was no help.

The only answer seems to be coming up with my OWN story.  I think that would finally put my mind at ease.  Therefore I have decided to compose and publish "Pelton and Crane: a Play in One Act."  I will spend the next week writing it, and hopefully have it ready for you all by Saturday, depending how fantasy football goes.  and if it turns out to be full of inaccuracies the Pelton and Crane company will be FORCED to come forward with the TRUTH.  See how that works?

Ha.


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The dog next door keeps barking at me: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted September 20, 2007)

Every time I want to use my backyard for gardening or jumping on my trampoline or sitting in the sun drinking beers there is this dog that barks at me incessantly from behind a fence.  So then the kid that lives there will yell at the dog to shut-up, but he keeps barking anyway, and now it's like they're having a conversation.

Dog: "HEY JERK BEHIND THE FENCE I'LL KILL YOU!"

Kid: "SHUT-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!"

Dog: "WHAT?  WHY?"

Kid: "SHUT-UP!"

Dog: "BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, THERE'S A GUY OUT HERE!"

Kid: "SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!"

Dog: "I AM *TRYING* TO *TELL* YOU SOMETHING!"


Also since dogs have excellent hearing it can also hear me sometimes when I'm INSIDE the house, which results in more barking.

"HEY!  SOMEONE IS BRUSHING THEIR TEETH!  I'LL KILL WHOEVER I FIND OUT IS DOING THAT!"


Dogs sure are insane maniacs but they can do neat tricks.  I feel dog tricks are more impressive than magician tricks because they are real.  I gotta ask, what is lamer than a magician?  If someone asks me, "Hey want to see a magic trick?" I say "No."  If someone asks me, "Hey want to see me lift something really heavy over my head and then THROW it?" I always say "Definitely."  That is a valuable SKILL, not a bunch of nonsense.

The dog trick I like best is shaking hands.  I think it's fun to pretend to make a deal.  "I won't hit you with a newspaper as long as you promise to breathe in my face while I'm sleeping, okay?  Shake!"

By the way I don't really have a trampoline, I lied.


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Papa John's getting AGGRESSIVE!

Papa John's is now the OFFICIAL pizza chain of the NFL.  They really seem to have Domino's on the ropes, to the point where most Domino's ads are now mainly just apologies for past misdeeds.  "We are very sorry there was no cheese in the cheesy bread."

Pizza Hut seems shaken as well.  I never really think of Pizza Hut as a take-out or delivery place, it will always be the place with the strange roof and the red plastic cups with too much ice to me.  The pizza comes out and it's too hot for anyone to eat or touch, a server has to dish it out for you.  That seemed dangerous.  Were they ever SUED?  McDonalds can't even sell coffee without a lawsuit.

The big 3 chains always step things up when football season starts.  It is the #1 food for watching football in the home.  Men love it, more than breasts and almost as much as alcohol.  In spite of the huge market, the other major pizza brands always keep their distance.  They know they cannot compete, it is hopeless.  So they found different target demographics instead.

Cici's: People who want ALL THEY CAN EAT.

Sbarro's: People who are either actively in the mall or the wait is just too long at Olive Garden.

Little Caesar's: People who can no longer fit through the door at Cici's.


Why do people want cheesy bread with their pizza?  a pizza already has both of those things.  That is a strange option for a side dish, like a bucket of KFC that comes with McNuggets.

and what's with putting all the food in one big box?  Do people WANT that?  Maybe that's the answer to DEFEATING Papa John's.  a bigger box with even MORE stuff.  Domino's should offer "TWO PIZZAS, BREAD, 10 WINGS, 4 OVEN BAKED SAMMIES, MORE BREAD, 8 CINNAMON TWISTS, A CHOCOLATE CAKE, PASTA, AND A FREE SAMPLE OF OUR NEW CHEESY BREAD PIZZA ALL FOR JUST $99.99!"  It's all brought hot and fresh right to your door in a box the size of a very large museum painting.

Sbarro would see this and finally emerge from the shadows with their new "16-FOOT WEDDING BUFFET IN A BOX!"  It includes a king-sized trough of stuffed shells, its own carving station, and the full spectrum of salad dressings.

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Feeling tough at the nice restaurant: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted September 10, 2007)

We went out to dinner at this little Greek restaurant in the city, it was like a yuppie place by the park and the art gallery and it was nice because they let us sit outside.  Anyway I could tell right off that this place was more upscale than what I am used to because all the waiters were male.  (Someone told me that is how you tell.)  Also I was the only person wearing a hat.  I mean some people had the old person type hats that you leave on a rack but I was just wearing my Buffalo Sabres cap that I like to wear whenever I'm out dining somewhere.  (Gotta represent, you know?)

Another thing was that the beer was really moderately priced and not tons expensive like at Applebee's.  I guess everybody mostly drinks wine there and they just have some beer available in case some boot-and-hatter like me shows up, in which case it's kind of like the kiddie menu.  "Would you care to see the wine list...oh you are wearing a cap so probably not."  Not that the waiter was all snooty like that, he was actually a nice fellow that I imagine is aspiring to be an actor or a dancer or something, but I could tell that he was a bit uncomfortable with me.  Like I asked about getting my beer in a pitcher and he seemed pretty shocked, like nobody had ever asked for that before.

So then I was getting a salad and he asked if I wanted feta cheese on it and I asked what the other options were and he said that instead I could have it with nothing.  So duh I got the cheese and the salad was actually really good but I could sense now that the waiter was becoming rather terrified of me and my questions.  "What will he ask for next?  What if he tells me to supersize something?"

Now even though I am eating feta cheese I am feeling like the manliest man in the world.  Usually there are big tough dudes at places I go so I am pretty quiet and keep to myself to avoid getting punched.  But at this place I was looking around and decided that I could beat anybody up if I felt like it.  I wouldn't do that because I am not violent but it is still nice to have the option once in awhile.

Then I think maybe the waiter played a little trick on me because I ordered a meatball dish for my entree and he brought it to me with this huge He-man portion of linguine that nobody could ever possibly finish in one sitting.  Like, "Take THAT, guy that doesn't shave before going out to dinner!"  No hard feelings though, I probably had it coming.

Okay so in summary I recommend going to nice restaurants sometimes.  The food is good and you get to feel tough.  Other places might be more fun with sports on TV and waitresses with big boobs but you will spend a lot on beer and then possibly get punched.


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How to give a speech

Okay tonight is the night of Obama's BIG SPEECH where he explains why he should get to be the President again.  Millions of pairs of eyes will be on him.  His detractors are waiting to pounce on him for the smallest slip-up, like if he forgets he ended the war already or calls his wife by the wrong name.  I bet a lot of you are thinking "Oh no!  Poor Obama!  He must be so nervous!"  Well, guess what?  He's not!  You see once you learn HOW to give a speech, you can feel calm and comfortable in front of any audience, big or small.  So those of you that are dreading a high school public speaking assignment, your next important work presentation, or an upcoming lesbian wedding toast should cling to the tips provided in this confidence-building blog!

My first tip is to start with a bang.  You need to capture everyone's attention right off the bat.  Dazzle your audience with an interesting premise.  Like, let's say it is your job to speak about something boring that nobody cares about.  The economy, for example.  Try beginning your speech by saying "It may interest you to know...that some of the people in this room...are MURDERERS!"  Everyone sits up, eyes focused, eager to hear more.  So you continue, "Those of you who believe in computers are KILLING our job market."  By the end of your speech everyone will be both impressed and fearful of robots.

Also, don't take credit for things.  Never say "You asked me to lower taxes, so I did!"  You have to word stuff like that in a way that includes everyone.  Say "We all wanted lower taxes, and we lowered them together!"  Some dimwit listening to your speech will be thinking "Uhhh, what the hell did *I* do?" but he'll be clapping and cheering just the same.  "YES!  We did it!"  Don't say "I now have my diabetes under control!"  Say "We all wanted my diabetes under control, and thanks to teamwork we have now GOT it under control!"  Tears flowing, everybody hugging.  See how that works?

Charts and graphs make good props.  Especially pie charts, people will love all the colors.  and you should have one of those long pointers to use, those can really command a room.  Don't point it AT anybody though!  "Who has a question?  Yes YOU ma'am."  If you want to emphasize something while the pointer is in your hand, bounce it up and down vertically like Bill Clinton does with his thumb.

There are many different types of speeches, of course.  So I won't say that it's NEVER okay to yell and use foul language, but be sure you know your audience!  Don't let the same thing happen to you that happened to the ORIGINAL Pope John Paul.

and the big question, of course, is how should you END your speech?  The best way, if you can arrange it, is to have something special taped to the bottom of everybody's chair ahead of time.  Like a little bag of M&Ms.  Then you get to say, "Finally, if you will all look under your chairs, etc."  You will get so much extra clapping, especially from the people with low blood sugar.  "He means it!  We really ARE all working together!"  Another good one is an inexpensive hand-held mirror.  "There's one person who I KNOW can make a difference, and if you'll look under your chairs, you'll see who I mean."

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Coke and Pepsi are the same: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted September 5, 2007)

a lot of people claim to have a preference but it's 99% the same stuff.  One just has a little more sugar in it or something.  I am getting fed up with all these hotheads I encounter that want to have a screaming argument in defense of one product or the other.  "I CAN'T DRINK PEPSI!  IT'S TOO SWEET!"  "FUCK YOU, COKE IS FOR QUEERS!"  Just shut-up and drink it and stop sounding like a retard.

That's why everyone in politics comes off as such a kook, they spend all their time yelling at each other over the 1% of things they don't have a shared belief in.  All people basically want the same things, low taxes and peaceful neighborhoods and beef that comes from safe, sane cows.  But then you get these Democrat and Republican people that fail to see eye-to-eye on little details and they go from a minor disagreement to accusing each other of wrecking the planet.  "YOUR PRESIDENT IS KILLING EVERYBODY!"  "SHUT-UP LADY OR I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!"

and a lot of these people are supposed to be political "experts."  If they are experts, how come they completely disagree 100% of the time?  Somebody must be wrong.

You never see that happen on the movie show with Ebert and the new Siskel guy.  If a movie is good, they both know it's good.  They only quibble about little details in regards to movies that are borderline thumb-worthy.  Ebert never gets all red-faced screaming at the other guy about how Big Mama's House 2 was so awesome and he is an idiot for not understanding that.

Food critics tend to agree a lot too.  I bet there isn't one that really loves those KFC Famous Bowls.

Imagine if a basketball analyst predicted that a team would win by 300 points, and then they lost, and when they lost he just blamed it on "bad refs."  That's what goes on in politics, and I think a lot of people should start to get fired and/or arrested until it stops.  Why can't blowing things out of proportion be a crime?  Prank phone calls are.  (Screw caller ID, it ruined everything!)

Everybody be nice.


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Teachers

Back-to-school time has got me thinking about teachers.

What was with the yardstick, man?  I don't remember anything getting measured, but I remember getting hit with that thing.  a lot of classroom items were potential weapons.  There was that weird menorah-looking thing that held a bunch of pieces of chalk so you could draw multiple straight lines at once.  OR you could beat a kid with it.  and this other kid got hit right on top of his head with a GLOBE.  Such a violent place.  I mean how sharp does a pencil need to be?  There's no pencil sharpener in my home and I'm getting by just fine.

Did you go to college?  The people going "into" teaching were the biggest drunks.  and they didn't even have students to blame it on yet.  Why do so many people complain about teachers being underpaid?  It ain't that hard of a job, man.  It's like you finish school and then just keep going.  Except you get to go in that secret breakroom, finally.  Imagine some kid walking in there and helping himself to a cup of coffee.  There would be such OUTRAGE.  "Get out of here!  This is all we have!"

I have never taught a class, never seen the classroom from that PERSPECTIVE.  It's gotta be freaky.  20 kids staring at you, and nobody wants to be there.  It isn't like prison where the inmates are starved for entertainment.  You know going in that you are the worst part of their day.  The kids get so excited if they get to watch a movie, even if it's a boring one.  "YES!  ANYTHING BUT MORE OF YOU!"

Ever been to traffic school?  a roomful of adults all suddenly revert to being childish again.  The teacher asks a question and someone decides to be the CLASS CLOWN.  "I think speeding is GOOD!  You get there faster!"  No one laughs.  Imagine having to go to traffic school every day, first thing in the morning.  You eat cereal and then go.  That is what we all DID.

Anyway, some teachers are really good.  Like really really good, they help shape and change your life.  How come you only get to have the same teacher for one year?  It should be more like football where you get to have the same coach for a WHILE.  They know you, you work well together.  After graduation you could dump Gatorade on them.

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