How to give a speech

Okay tonight is the night of Obama's BIG SPEECH where he explains why he should get to be the President again.  Millions of pairs of eyes will be on him.  His detractors are waiting to pounce on him for the smallest slip-up, like if he forgets he ended the war already or calls his wife by the wrong name.  I bet a lot of you are thinking "Oh no!  Poor Obama!  He must be so nervous!"  Well, guess what?  He's not!  You see once you learn HOW to give a speech, you can feel calm and comfortable in front of any audience, big or small.  So those of you that are dreading a high school public speaking assignment, your next important work presentation, or an upcoming lesbian wedding toast should cling to the tips provided in this confidence-building blog!

My first tip is to start with a bang.  You need to capture everyone's attention right off the bat.  Dazzle your audience with an interesting premise.  Like, let's say it is your job to speak about something boring that nobody cares about.  The economy, for example.  Try beginning your speech by saying "It may interest you to know...that some of the people in this room...are MURDERERS!"  Everyone sits up, eyes focused, eager to hear more.  So you continue, "Those of you who believe in computers are KILLING our job market."  By the end of your speech everyone will be both impressed and fearful of robots.

Also, don't take credit for things.  Never say "You asked me to lower taxes, so I did!"  You have to word stuff like that in a way that includes everyone.  Say "We all wanted lower taxes, and we lowered them together!"  Some dimwit listening to your speech will be thinking "Uhhh, what the hell did *I* do?" but he'll be clapping and cheering just the same.  "YES!  We did it!"  Don't say "I now have my diabetes under control!"  Say "We all wanted my diabetes under control, and thanks to teamwork we have now GOT it under control!"  Tears flowing, everybody hugging.  See how that works?

Charts and graphs make good props.  Especially pie charts, people will love all the colors.  and you should have one of those long pointers to use, those can really command a room.  Don't point it AT anybody though!  "Who has a question?  Yes YOU ma'am."  If you want to emphasize something while the pointer is in your hand, bounce it up and down vertically like Bill Clinton does with his thumb.

There are many different types of speeches, of course.  So I won't say that it's NEVER okay to yell and use foul language, but be sure you know your audience!  Don't let the same thing happen to you that happened to the ORIGINAL Pope John Paul.

and the big question, of course, is how should you END your speech?  The best way, if you can arrange it, is to have something special taped to the bottom of everybody's chair ahead of time.  Like a little bag of M&Ms.  Then you get to say, "Finally, if you will all look under your chairs, etc."  You will get so much extra clapping, especially from the people with low blood sugar.  "He means it!  We really ARE all working together!"  Another good one is an inexpensive hand-held mirror.  "There's one person who I KNOW can make a difference, and if you'll look under your chairs, you'll see who I mean."

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