Camels: What's with the humps?

Before you leap to any obscene conclusions, let me explain.

Camels have humps on their backs.  It is how they store fat and food and water.  People need those things, and so do camels.  They also love cigarettes.

(Why is he playing the piano?)

Joe Camel was BANNED for LIFE because he was enticing children to smoke.  You see, children love camels SO MUCH that they could not resist his influence.


Even though HE is dead and gone, here are some other ideas, suckas:

- Drunk ladybug

- Over-eating chimpanzee

- a family of otters that can never pay their cell phone bills

- Koala Bear that plays sadistic headgames with its mate

(HA!  Get it?  Australia/mate?)

- Elephant that snorts cocaine

(THINK of that)


Did you know that a lot of people around the world EAT CAMELS?  I guess I have no right to complain about that since I eat cows and pigs and birds and gorillas on a regular basis.  But I have questions about it.  Do they eat the hump PART?  Like, maybe for dessert?  Or would that just be TOO fattening?  I bet it would taste like Crisco.

a restaurant should serve deep-fried-camel-hump.  Americans would love it.

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Breakfast for dinner

There is nothing wrong with "quiche."

BUT!  I think some of you get a little bit lazy sometimes substituting breakfast foods for other-time-of-day meals.

"We'll have scrambled eggs for DINNER.  It will be FUN!"

and for side dishes?  Toast and Apple Jacks.


There are breakfast burritos, in life.  Does anybody bake a breakfast lasagna?  How about "Waffles Alfredo?"  Stop putting wrong foods in the wrong places!


People get mad at McDonalds when they can't get breakfast at too-late of a time.  Like after 11.  I am working on a script in which an Egg McMuffin version of the Happy Meal Guys kills Grimace for asking for lunch.  Then the Hamburglar helps him dispose of the corpse.  Then they ride in a car together and have loud, swearing arguments like in "Pulp Fiction."

The talking Egg McMuffin would be all yelling and swearing at the Hamburglar all like "F you mothaF*****, you are an insensitive JERK."


Some ideas for other characters...

French Toast Man:

Egg Man:

The Evil Pancake:

Bacon:

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Seat belts

Seat belts are good.  Rapping crash test dummies have proven this, over time.

I ain't no Mr. T but what is to be gained by NOT wearing a seat belt?  Real life ain't all fun like Dukes of Hazzard.  You don't just slide through the window of a car and take off.  Even Roscoe did not wear a seat belt.  He was a COP.  Shame on him.  You too, COOTER.

Daisy Duke I can kind of understand.  It was a TV show and people wanted to see her ta-tas bouncing around while she was driving her jeep.  a seat belt would restrict that.  It's just science.


WHY do some people REFUSE to wear seat belts?  Do you just get off from that in some way?  Seat belts do not cost money.  Every car, van, truck, and limo has one.  Even bumper cars.  Just TRY not wearing a seat belt in the bumper car.  The guy will yell at you.  Trust me, I know.  (It was a LONG time ago, but that happened.)

The U.S. Government paid for this blog.  If you don't like that, suck it.

Also here is the only picture of Daisy Duke where you don't get to see her butt.

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What is the healthiest Band-Aid color?

Man, when I was a kid there was only one kind of Band-Aid.  PLAIN.

Kids these days are spoiled.  When THEY scrape their knee, they get all these colors and options and fun cartoon characters.

(and yes I know it's Daffy and not Donald that says that.  It doesn't matter, so save the angry letters.)

I guess all the cartoons and fun are supposed to EASE the PAIN of a minor head wound or elbow laceration.  Does it work?  How important do you have to be to be on a Band-Aid that is capable of making kids feel better?  They can be pretty picky when it comes to stuff like that.  Are there poorly thought-out Band-Aid characters that upset the child and make him or her cry EXTRA much?

 

 

 

If the CEO of the Band-Aid corporation is reading this, don't even THINK of coming at me with any of that time-consuming legal shit like happened before.  I'll be READY this time, you will NOT win.  I'm getting so sick of you.

As for everybody else, if you have any questions about Band-Aids such as the best method to remove them with minimal pain you can e-mail me.  Don't expect a reply right away though, I'm pretty busy.

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Why do people enjoy eating bear-shaped foods?

Such as Gummy Bears, Teddy Grahams, and Bear-Shaped French Toast.

STOP EATING BEARS you DICKS. LEAVE THEM ALONE.

Also why are the bears always smiling?  They are about to be EATEN, they should be TERRIFIED.

Bears aren't actually around too much.  Spiders are.  How come there's no spider-shaped cereal or pasta?  The answer: can't smile.

You are apparently only allowed to eat people or animals when they are smiling.  Best example: Flintstone Vitamins.

Eating a happy Fred or Barney is way more comfortable for children than eating a Betty Rubble vitamin that's all horrified and scared.  Nobody would want to eat that, besides sickos.

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Candyland

Man oh man besides evil Hitlerish people like Satan who does not enjoy Candyland?

It's such a fun game, mostly because of the candy.  Well, I should clarify.  You don't actually get to EAT candy while playing unless someone has invented the equivalent of a "drinking game" VERSION for kids where you get to eat candy if you perform well.  I personally have not done so, yet.

I would like it if there was an adult version with high financial stakes.  Like when you play poker and are supposed to maintain a "poker face."  What would a "Candyland Face" be like?  Only Michael Jackson could probably tell us, and he can't now because he is dead.

Or maybe a real slow adaptation of Candyland that's similar to chess?  It would take forever but Russians everywhere would love it.

a lot of people are hooked on this "Candy Crush" app, which is not nearly as bad as being hooked on heroin but still pretty bad.

There should be an Uncle Wiggily APP.  It would be all the rage.

If you don't know who Uncle Wiggily is please go to a library or else a doctor.

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The Camping Blog

Besides women, who doesn't love camping?  You get to be dirty, uncomfortable, AND have fun.

Sleeping bags are essential, but frequently misused.  I like to go in head-first and sleep with boots on in case a bear comes around in the night and wants to lick me in the face.  Plus even if it's just some peaceful little black bear roaming around your campsite at 3am, wouldn't you rather not KNOW?

Meanwhile there are tents.  That's where most campers go to hide from the animals they invited themselves to be around in the first place.  The problem with a tent is that you have to know how to put it up, and only certain hardcore camping enthusiasts ever know how.

a main part of camping is FIRE.  You gotta know how to keep it safe, though.  SMOKEY the Bear...

...is obsessed with preventing forest fires.  Which is good and wise, the animals obviously don't want to see their home burnt down.  I gotta ask, though.  Does he ever do bad stuff like other bears do?  Like raid your cooler in the middle of the night and eat all the hot dogs?  Also how does he feel about SAFELY-controlled fires?  Does he use them at all?  Imagine emerging from your tent to pee and Smokey the Bear has raided the food supply and is sitting by the fire making S'mores.

Or ELSE...

Does he hate fire SO MUCH that after he eats all your food he pisses out your fire and then just leaves?  Nobody really knows, he's such a difficult individual to understand.  But I'll keep trying.

What does Smokey the Bear do when there IS a forest fire?  Does he HELP extinguish it or just get all enraged?

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Is knuckle cracking good or bad?

No one is apparently certain, besides God.  You don't get to meet him until later though, so let's SPECULATE.


There are certainly real illnesses, but also all these made-up ailments that I am SKEPTICAL about.

Some examples:

- "Washboard knee"

- Pink EAR

- Eyebrow syndrome

- *an amputated middle finger.  I'm sure it happens once in a WHILE but how does that person go on to express rage towards someone else?

(Oops, wait, people have two hands.  I forgot about that.)

- EXTRA-streppy throat

- Goat pox

- Red necks

- Black, blue, OR orange "lung"

- Yeast infections


How come it's always women that have bruises on their legs at places like Target and the Fair?  and never men.  Let me know what's going on, girls.

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Why is it disrespectful to wear hats?

You know what I mean.  Like in court or church or during the National Anthem.

a LOT of people, including baseball players, baseball ENTHUSIASTS, magicians, and cowboys enjoy wearing hats.  But there's certain times you HAVE to take them off.  Imagine a magician getting kicked out of church because he refuses to take his top hat off.

Throws his magic wand at somebody on the way out.

"I don't CARE about your church.  I gotta be me."

and then quickly realizes...

"Oh shit, that was my MAGIC wand.  I sorta need that."

But then he can't get back in!  Happens all the time.


Ties are the opposite.  Sometimes in life you are EXPECTED to wear a tie.  *(This usually only applies to men or else women that work at restaurants that are the opposite of Hooters.)

"WHERE'S YOUR TIE?"

It ain't like a belt, it doesn't do anything.

"Well you are supposed to show RESPECT."

How is a tie respectful?  It just accidentally gets in all the dips and salsas.


Like I said, you are supposed to take your hat off during the National Anthem.  People can play the National Anthem wherever they WANT, though.  INCLUDING Bingo.  I know it's rare but they COULD.

and what about nudist colonies?  I've never been to one, someone would have to tell me what it's like.  Are there CEREMONIES?  Do they RAISE a FLAG?

Any "nudists" out there get back at me.

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