Finally!
After many months of disinterest, it has been announced. Prince William is getting MARRIED. To a LADY.
The wedding is expected to take place sometime this summer, maybe fall. Once you decide to get married you have to wait awhile because all the halls are already rented. Also you have to plan a menu. That will be challenging for them because British food is not too good. They will probably have to send out.
The woman he is marrying gets to be QUEEN of ENGLAND eventually. Which brings up a good point, can't the regular queen DIE already? I'm so sick of her. She is old and boring. It's time to change things up, a hot queen would be so awesome. We still have to wait through Charles and all of that, but he is getting pretty old himself! Kind of a gyp for him, he's been waiting a LONG TIME to get on that throne. He must be bitter.
The wedding is probably going to be on television. All ladies everywhere will watch it. Men are advised to select an alternate activity for that day, such as sitting in a chair in the garage or fishing. It's gonna be horrible, like a 14-hour Sex and the City movie that's on TV for free. Women act strangely about weddings. They scream and cry, but are also happy. They buy wedding magazines, even if there are no known weddings scheduled to happen.
The wedding day has already been announced to be a national holiday in England. Don't even THINK of trying to go to the library, a celebrity is getting married! It is British custom to have ridiculous priorities.
Wedding invitations have not been sent out yet, but it is assumed that hundreds of important people will be invited, including Barack Obama and the Pope. Not too many kids from freshman dorm will make the guest list. Just celebrities and old people. Old BRITISH people, men that drink tea and women that use eyeglasses on a stick. None of these people will participate in the Electric Slide. Well I guess Obama might. He is always trying to prove that he is a fun guy that's in good shape. What bands are they getting? If Eric Clapton is there singing "Wonderful Tonight" it might top Harry Potter as the worst British thing that ever happened.
and of course there's the BIG wedding question. Who will GET DRUNK? Sean Connery and the President of Ireland will become confused and start looking around for a place to throw darts. Prince Harry will shake himself after taking in an eyeful of some relative's meaty collarbone area for a bit too long. Desmond Tutu will ease into the next morning thinking "I rather like that Y-M-C-A..."
Friday, November 19, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Jared completed the marathon
So the big news this past weekend was Jared from Subway competing in the New York City marathon. He actually finished the race, proving once again that submarine sandwiches are the healthiest thing you can eat.
At one time a 450-pound dying slob, Jared is now the picture of health. But a 26-mile run can be a VERY stiff test even for a healthy person. (Just ask TOM SELLECK.)
Yet Jared, adhering to his regimen of egg and jalapeno breakfast sandwiches and cheeseless turkey clubs, threw caution to the wind and boldly entered the race. What if it went poorly? What if Jared got a bad stomach cramp about a mile into the race and had to duck out through the crowd? Imagine all the booing and catcalls he would have been met with. "Oh, I see! Subway - QUIT fresh!" What if Jared collapsed, exhausted, at the 13-mile mark and started vomiting up black olives and banana peppers as obnoxiously fit, red-scalped octogenarians trotted right past him?
But NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. He stuck it out and made it to the finish line. It would have been pretty neat if they had two people holding one of those 18-foot-long party subs for him to break through when he got to the end, but that did not happen. (I guess because Subway does not sell those.)
What is next for our friend Jared? He's in great shape, maybe he will get into MMA. Or maybe it's time for a movie role. Anyone else thinking romantic comedy? Drew Barrymore is running out of people to do those with.
They are always adding new balloons to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I would kind of like to see a Jared balloon, but the problem there is that skinny people do not make good balloons. a balloon of the old, fat Jared with an army of skinny Jared look-a-likes pulling it would be much better. They could explain that they are pulling the Jared balloon TO Subway to get thin. Then the real Jared emerges and sings a song (lip-synched).
How do you get the job where you get to decide what happens in parades? If anyone knows, e-mail me.
At one time a 450-pound dying slob, Jared is now the picture of health. But a 26-mile run can be a VERY stiff test even for a healthy person. (Just ask TOM SELLECK.)
Yet Jared, adhering to his regimen of egg and jalapeno breakfast sandwiches and cheeseless turkey clubs, threw caution to the wind and boldly entered the race. What if it went poorly? What if Jared got a bad stomach cramp about a mile into the race and had to duck out through the crowd? Imagine all the booing and catcalls he would have been met with. "Oh, I see! Subway - QUIT fresh!" What if Jared collapsed, exhausted, at the 13-mile mark and started vomiting up black olives and banana peppers as obnoxiously fit, red-scalped octogenarians trotted right past him?
But NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. He stuck it out and made it to the finish line. It would have been pretty neat if they had two people holding one of those 18-foot-long party subs for him to break through when he got to the end, but that did not happen. (I guess because Subway does not sell those.)
What is next for our friend Jared? He's in great shape, maybe he will get into MMA. Or maybe it's time for a movie role. Anyone else thinking romantic comedy? Drew Barrymore is running out of people to do those with.
They are always adding new balloons to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I would kind of like to see a Jared balloon, but the problem there is that skinny people do not make good balloons. a balloon of the old, fat Jared with an army of skinny Jared look-a-likes pulling it would be much better. They could explain that they are pulling the Jared balloon TO Subway to get thin. Then the real Jared emerges and sings a song (lip-synched).
How do you get the job where you get to decide what happens in parades? If anyone knows, e-mail me.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Proposition 19 shot down!
Yes it's true. Californians have spoken, and contrary to popular belief, it turns out that "everybody" does not smoke pot. Hippies and janitors everywhere are crying. All the bowls that were pre-packed for the victory parties got smoked anyway, but not in celebratory fashion.
But anyway now I am keen on this idea of voting for "stuff," as opposed to men (and ladies) in suits that shout and want to have each other jailed. Those elections are BORING. Voting on things we might be allowed to do is much more interesting.
Some ideas for next time:
1) Being loud at the library
What's the big deal? I know that people like to read in quiet, but guess what? The library lets you TAKE THE BOOKS HOME. For FREE. If you spend more than 20 minutes in a library you are an idiot. Unless you work there or are a lady in a long skirt playing songs for children. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to yell "YO, WHASSUP DUDE!" if you see a friend on the complete other side of a huge library room. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to sneak up on a friend and close a book really loudly behind his head.
2) Keeping score in little league
When did THIS bullshit start? If you haven't heard, when little kids play baseball (and soccer and other sports) now, they don't keep score! Every game is ruled a tie, even if one team got obviously crushed. That is NOT FAIR. If some kids are better than others, just make trades, sucky kids for athletic kids. That way all the teams would even out. The sucky kids would not realize what was going on, because they suck. and even if they do figure it out you can just shut them up with extra post-game pizza. I am gonna go to a little league game myself and keep score and keep shouting out the score real loud the whole time. That will help rally people behind my ideas.
3) Scratch-off tickets
Get these out of stores. If you want to gamble you should have to go to a casino or OTB or church (bingo). a person that needs to run into a store to quickly purchase milk and ham should not have to wait behind you while you're all "Give me...give me...uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." It ain't McDonalds, fool, GET OUT OF LINE. You are impeding the economy. What the hell is that silver stuff made from? The part of scratch-offs that you actually "scratch off?" I bet it's toxic. a little kid should eat a big pile of it so that it gets banned.
Now I am excited about the next election. How do you get ideas on the ballot? The first step must be to get people talking. Anybody that works in a place with a copy machine please print this out and make a bunch of copies and pass them around. Most offices have paper that you can use for free.
But anyway now I am keen on this idea of voting for "stuff," as opposed to men (and ladies) in suits that shout and want to have each other jailed. Those elections are BORING. Voting on things we might be allowed to do is much more interesting.
Some ideas for next time:
1) Being loud at the library
What's the big deal? I know that people like to read in quiet, but guess what? The library lets you TAKE THE BOOKS HOME. For FREE. If you spend more than 20 minutes in a library you are an idiot. Unless you work there or are a lady in a long skirt playing songs for children. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to yell "YO, WHASSUP DUDE!" if you see a friend on the complete other side of a huge library room. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to sneak up on a friend and close a book really loudly behind his head.
2) Keeping score in little league
When did THIS bullshit start? If you haven't heard, when little kids play baseball (and soccer and other sports) now, they don't keep score! Every game is ruled a tie, even if one team got obviously crushed. That is NOT FAIR. If some kids are better than others, just make trades, sucky kids for athletic kids. That way all the teams would even out. The sucky kids would not realize what was going on, because they suck. and even if they do figure it out you can just shut them up with extra post-game pizza. I am gonna go to a little league game myself and keep score and keep shouting out the score real loud the whole time. That will help rally people behind my ideas.
3) Scratch-off tickets
Get these out of stores. If you want to gamble you should have to go to a casino or OTB or church (bingo). a person that needs to run into a store to quickly purchase milk and ham should not have to wait behind you while you're all "Give me...give me...uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." It ain't McDonalds, fool, GET OUT OF LINE. You are impeding the economy. What the hell is that silver stuff made from? The part of scratch-offs that you actually "scratch off?" I bet it's toxic. a little kid should eat a big pile of it so that it gets banned.
Now I am excited about the next election. How do you get ideas on the ballot? The first step must be to get people talking. Anybody that works in a place with a copy machine please print this out and make a bunch of copies and pass them around. Most offices have paper that you can use for free.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Reading the cereal box
I eat lunch alone almost every day. I think it's okay to eat lunch alone in public, it doesn't carry the same stigma that eating dinner alone does. If you see an adult man wearing a sweater and a mustache eating a plate of beef and potatoes all by himself at Denny's, and it's DINNER time, you should always call the police and report a suspicious person. Just to be on the safe side.
Anyway the problem with eating LUNCH by yourself is that you don't know where to look while chewing. At the Wegmans cafe there is this TV close to where they keep the toys and during lunch it usually has Dora the Explorer on it, so I have to act interested in that. I am beginning to learn things about that show, such as that there is a monkey on it. I look forward to seeing the monkey more than the other characters, I can't deny it.
Mighty Taco is a good one because they give you a placemat with some kind of very wordy cartoon. There is a lot to read and look at. Everyone is eating tacos in the cartoon, and you're eating tacos too, and the whole place smells like tacos. It is downright taco-mania in there.
Now the one other place I ever go is the mall food court. It is a rarity, but every couple of months I like to go to this Greek place for coffee and a gyro. Everyone else is in line at either Arby's or Subway, I guess just out of habit. I do not understand this. The Greek place is RIGHT THERE, with better food that's priced about the same, and what look to be actual nice friendly Greek people are happy to make it for you. They are very clean and do not wear uniforms.
So I get the good food but then there is again this problem of eating alone and not knowing where to look. All they give you to look at is this table tent. It has a smiling man on one side, and a smiling lady on the other side. So I always turn it to the lady side and stare at her while eating. I wonder what her name is?
I remember that when I was a kid eating cereal for breakfast I would always want to read the back of the cereal box. Most other kids did the same. If you got tired of having to read the back of the same cereal box too many mornings in a row, you would get desperate and start reading the nutritional information instead. I was very impressed with the iron content in "Total," it made me feel strong. Or else I would look at the front of the box real intently, really analyzing the artwork. I remember staring Toucan Sam in the eye for a long time until I almost started freaking out.
The cereal box was also a good means of defense that you could use to not have to watch your brothers and sisters eat cereal, too. Everybody ducked their head down real low while eating, reveling in that little sanctuary of cereal box privacy.
But the thing with the lady on the table tent is, after probably having spent the totality of an hour looking at her over the past year, I still have no idea what product or business she is meant to advertise. I think it's something like eyeglasses, but she doesn't wear those! Earrings maybe? It's something that goes on your head.
But since I can't say for certain I would like to go on the record stating that table tents do NOT work. They are too small and there is no shield factor. So I say start putting cereal boxes on the tables in diners and cafes instead. Everyone would read them. and a cereal box is pretty big, so there would be plenty of room for advertising space. This idea is a MONEY-MAKER.
Until then my other idea is to start carrying around a Wall Street Journal. I can pretend to read it. That kind of newspaper is small so you can easily read it with one hand while eating with the other hand. Or maybe I should go to the track and get a racing form instead. That would probably be more believable.
Anyway the problem with eating LUNCH by yourself is that you don't know where to look while chewing. At the Wegmans cafe there is this TV close to where they keep the toys and during lunch it usually has Dora the Explorer on it, so I have to act interested in that. I am beginning to learn things about that show, such as that there is a monkey on it. I look forward to seeing the monkey more than the other characters, I can't deny it.
Mighty Taco is a good one because they give you a placemat with some kind of very wordy cartoon. There is a lot to read and look at. Everyone is eating tacos in the cartoon, and you're eating tacos too, and the whole place smells like tacos. It is downright taco-mania in there.
Now the one other place I ever go is the mall food court. It is a rarity, but every couple of months I like to go to this Greek place for coffee and a gyro. Everyone else is in line at either Arby's or Subway, I guess just out of habit. I do not understand this. The Greek place is RIGHT THERE, with better food that's priced about the same, and what look to be actual nice friendly Greek people are happy to make it for you. They are very clean and do not wear uniforms.
So I get the good food but then there is again this problem of eating alone and not knowing where to look. All they give you to look at is this table tent. It has a smiling man on one side, and a smiling lady on the other side. So I always turn it to the lady side and stare at her while eating. I wonder what her name is?
I remember that when I was a kid eating cereal for breakfast I would always want to read the back of the cereal box. Most other kids did the same. If you got tired of having to read the back of the same cereal box too many mornings in a row, you would get desperate and start reading the nutritional information instead. I was very impressed with the iron content in "Total," it made me feel strong. Or else I would look at the front of the box real intently, really analyzing the artwork. I remember staring Toucan Sam in the eye for a long time until I almost started freaking out.
The cereal box was also a good means of defense that you could use to not have to watch your brothers and sisters eat cereal, too. Everybody ducked their head down real low while eating, reveling in that little sanctuary of cereal box privacy.
But the thing with the lady on the table tent is, after probably having spent the totality of an hour looking at her over the past year, I still have no idea what product or business she is meant to advertise. I think it's something like eyeglasses, but she doesn't wear those! Earrings maybe? It's something that goes on your head.
But since I can't say for certain I would like to go on the record stating that table tents do NOT work. They are too small and there is no shield factor. So I say start putting cereal boxes on the tables in diners and cafes instead. Everyone would read them. and a cereal box is pretty big, so there would be plenty of room for advertising space. This idea is a MONEY-MAKER.
Until then my other idea is to start carrying around a Wall Street Journal. I can pretend to read it. That kind of newspaper is small so you can easily read it with one hand while eating with the other hand. Or maybe I should go to the track and get a racing form instead. That would probably be more believable.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Here is everything I thought about lately
Some football stadiums have fake grass. a good invention would be artificial sand. It would look and smell like regular sand, but it would not get all clumpy on wet feet. You could keep it around your swimming pools and bathtubs. The sand would also be safe for children to eat, but it would not taste good. Kind of like Play-Doh.
The board game "Clue" really took liberties with the concept of weapons. Has anyone ever robbed a bank with a candlestick? Don't even TRY to get on an airplane with a ROPE.
If you are drinking coffee in a restaurant, a waitress will frequently come over to "top you off." It's like being on a sightseeing tour where they keep taking you back to the beginning, but you still have the option of finishing it whenever you want. Usually seeing or drinking the beginning of something about four times is enough.
Whenever I hear someone described as being a "philanthropist," I always spend the first two syllables thinking the person is gonna say "philanderer." Then the next two syllables are such a let-down. That must be why philanthropists are regarded as being so boring.
The army says you can't ask people if they are gay. I want there to be other forbidden questions. "No asking somebody if they have a favorite bird." "Don't ever ask a guy if he ever had a paper route."
You only cook certain foods over a campfire using a stick. It's always low-grade stuff, hot dogs and marshmallows. That way you don't care if it gets dirty or falls in. It was essentially garbage to begin with. If you get really good at it, I think you should try some other things. "Look at this nice toasty French bread pizza that I am COOKING over a FIRE." I also wonder if there's some elite camper that makes a cool shish kabob out of hot dogs and marshmallows.
a lot of people quit jobs by making an announcement. If you make a lot of money, like the President or a football coach, you hold a press conference and quit your job in front of the whole world. If you make hardly any money at all, you create a little scene just for the benefit of anybody that happens to be in the room. Some kid at Burger King "I'M SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT!" Then he throws down his visor and storms out. People with middle-of-the-road jobs don't tend to quit a lot. a dentist never puts his drill down all like "FUCK this." a UPS driver never gets on a microphone saying "I will no longer deliver packages."
Denny's used to give you a free breakfast on your birthday. Some silly place like White Castle or Quiznos should give you a free meal if you decided to quit your job that day. After eating you can fill out an application.
Vincent Van Gogh was a great painter, but then he cut his ear off because he felt tormented by a woman. I want a house painter to do that. "I am passionate, too."
You can't pull off a surprise party unless you can get somebody to walk into a certain room at the right time. I want to be really good at surprise parties. That's why I hold so many practice runs.
"Hey go in there for a minute."
"Why?"
"Please just do it."
"Okay."
The board game "Clue" really took liberties with the concept of weapons. Has anyone ever robbed a bank with a candlestick? Don't even TRY to get on an airplane with a ROPE.
If you are drinking coffee in a restaurant, a waitress will frequently come over to "top you off." It's like being on a sightseeing tour where they keep taking you back to the beginning, but you still have the option of finishing it whenever you want. Usually seeing or drinking the beginning of something about four times is enough.
Whenever I hear someone described as being a "philanthropist," I always spend the first two syllables thinking the person is gonna say "philanderer." Then the next two syllables are such a let-down. That must be why philanthropists are regarded as being so boring.
The army says you can't ask people if they are gay. I want there to be other forbidden questions. "No asking somebody if they have a favorite bird." "Don't ever ask a guy if he ever had a paper route."
You only cook certain foods over a campfire using a stick. It's always low-grade stuff, hot dogs and marshmallows. That way you don't care if it gets dirty or falls in. It was essentially garbage to begin with. If you get really good at it, I think you should try some other things. "Look at this nice toasty French bread pizza that I am COOKING over a FIRE." I also wonder if there's some elite camper that makes a cool shish kabob out of hot dogs and marshmallows.
a lot of people quit jobs by making an announcement. If you make a lot of money, like the President or a football coach, you hold a press conference and quit your job in front of the whole world. If you make hardly any money at all, you create a little scene just for the benefit of anybody that happens to be in the room. Some kid at Burger King "I'M SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT!" Then he throws down his visor and storms out. People with middle-of-the-road jobs don't tend to quit a lot. a dentist never puts his drill down all like "FUCK this." a UPS driver never gets on a microphone saying "I will no longer deliver packages."
Denny's used to give you a free breakfast on your birthday. Some silly place like White Castle or Quiznos should give you a free meal if you decided to quit your job that day. After eating you can fill out an application.
Vincent Van Gogh was a great painter, but then he cut his ear off because he felt tormented by a woman. I want a house painter to do that. "I am passionate, too."
You can't pull off a surprise party unless you can get somebody to walk into a certain room at the right time. I want to be really good at surprise parties. That's why I hold so many practice runs.
"Hey go in there for a minute."
"Why?"
"Please just do it."
"Okay."
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The miners are RESCUED!
Something went right for once. There was a mine disaster and none of the miners were killed. That's like a Christmas tree fire that somehow spares all the gifts, or a pizza oven exploding but the pizza still turns out okay.
How can we prevent future mining accidents? Well first of all I think that people should STOP GOING INTO MINES. It's 2010. You can't eat peanuts on an airplane or smoke a cigarette at the bank but you can still go into a mine. That is not correct. There are enough computers and robots and underground-loving animals around that we should be able to figure out a different way.
and I know that a lot of miners will argue "but that is the only way we can earn a wage!" That's just negative thinking. Doesn't a willingness to work in a MINE seem like it would carry with it a good deal of optimism? Are there miners that are all like "I'm never gonna find anything down here! This is HOPELESS!" So think of it that way, guys. You're not just job-hunting, you are mining for WORK.
Miners from West Virginia may have a more difficult time finding jobs since many of them lack reading abilities and teeth but for those people there is always the Sears Blue Crew.
Now let's get to what EVERYBODY wants to talk about and that's this guy with the mistress. The mine caves in, 32 people are afraid for their lives and just this one other guy is thinking "ohhhhhhhh shit, that bitch better be cool up there." a lot of marriages run into problems when a wife goes through her husband's cell phone or finds condoms in his wallet. This guy was apparently golden in those areas. I guess he never accounted for the possibility of his wife showing up at a candlelight vigil being hosted by the mistress. Was there a CATFIGHT? How badass cold would it have been if the wife sent her wedding ring down to him in one of those blue tubes?
Finally I thought it was commendable that people clapped and cheered EVERY TIME one of the miners was raised up. You would think it would be like when they hand out the diplomas at high school graduation. Everyone is all enthusiastic at first but by the 50th or 60th kid they're sick of it. "Robert Nathan Hall? I never heard of THIS kid, hmmm.........don't think I'll clap." "Stephanie Anne Hancocker? Bet everybody makes fun of THAT name. Keep movin', sister."
How can we prevent future mining accidents? Well first of all I think that people should STOP GOING INTO MINES. It's 2010. You can't eat peanuts on an airplane or smoke a cigarette at the bank but you can still go into a mine. That is not correct. There are enough computers and robots and underground-loving animals around that we should be able to figure out a different way.
and I know that a lot of miners will argue "but that is the only way we can earn a wage!" That's just negative thinking. Doesn't a willingness to work in a MINE seem like it would carry with it a good deal of optimism? Are there miners that are all like "I'm never gonna find anything down here! This is HOPELESS!" So think of it that way, guys. You're not just job-hunting, you are mining for WORK.
Miners from West Virginia may have a more difficult time finding jobs since many of them lack reading abilities and teeth but for those people there is always the Sears Blue Crew.
Now let's get to what EVERYBODY wants to talk about and that's this guy with the mistress. The mine caves in, 32 people are afraid for their lives and just this one other guy is thinking "ohhhhhhhh shit, that bitch better be cool up there." a lot of marriages run into problems when a wife goes through her husband's cell phone or finds condoms in his wallet. This guy was apparently golden in those areas. I guess he never accounted for the possibility of his wife showing up at a candlelight vigil being hosted by the mistress. Was there a CATFIGHT? How badass cold would it have been if the wife sent her wedding ring down to him in one of those blue tubes?
Finally I thought it was commendable that people clapped and cheered EVERY TIME one of the miners was raised up. You would think it would be like when they hand out the diplomas at high school graduation. Everyone is all enthusiastic at first but by the 50th or 60th kid they're sick of it. "Robert Nathan Hall? I never heard of THIS kid, hmmm.........don't think I'll clap." "Stephanie Anne Hancocker? Bet everybody makes fun of THAT name. Keep movin', sister."
Saturday, October 9, 2010
My FREE GIFT from DirecTV
Well what do you know? According to an e-mail I received, it has been a full EIGHT YEARS since I became a subscriber to DirecTV. They said they wanted to thank me for being a valued customer and notified me that my loyalty would now be rewarded in the form of a FREE GIFT.
(Yes, a FREE GIFT. As opposed to all those GIFTS you receive and then have to PAY for.)
I would like to say that, over the past eight years, I have been very happy with the DirecTV service. Yes it is expensive, but so is all television, whether it's satellite or not. It's just a thing now that you can't watch TV in 2010 unless you pay a LOT of money.
See television doesn't work like other bills that you pay for your house. If you left the bathtub faucet running for an entire month, your gas and water bills would be thousands and thousands of dollars! But if you keep it mostly off, you can pay a much smaller fee. TV ain't like that. You could forget to use it for a whole year and they would still charge you the same rate as if you left it on the whole time. It's kind of like car insurance. You pay just in CASE something happens, but instead of an accident or injury you are paying a lot of money in case you feel like watching Comedy Central.
I don't have a calculator handy but I would estimate that in paying eight years of DirecTV bills, I have probably spent the equivalent of what it would take to start a small business, purchase one of the motorcycles that older men like to look at on calendars, or get a passenger seat on one of those upcoming civilian trips to the moon. But this e-mail I got the other day, with its promise of a FREE GIFT, seemed to validate my continuing support of the undisputed leader in satellite television service. What would it be? a free equipment upgrade? a new, thumb-friendlier remote control? I scrolled through the message, my eyes like heat-seeking missiles in pursuit of the exact details of this exciting treasure DirecTV had selected to thank me with. and finally they locked on the information in question:
1 FREE DIRECTV CINEMA MOVIE
NO STRINGS ATTACHED! (What would you attach them to?)
They recommend either Iron Man 2 or Sex and the City 2.
I have been invited to log into my account for more details on the free $5 movie. They also say that my OFFICIAL notification about the free $5 movie will be arriving in the MAIL shortly. I hope it's a registered letter, all with forms to fill out and such.
But assuming it's a postcard I am just gonna write "CRAPPY GIFT - NO THANKS" on it and mail it back. Like those sassy waitresses that bust out the "Sir, I think you forgot your change!" routine on bad tippers in restaurants.
Kiss my grits, DirecTV.
(Yes, a FREE GIFT. As opposed to all those GIFTS you receive and then have to PAY for.)
I would like to say that, over the past eight years, I have been very happy with the DirecTV service. Yes it is expensive, but so is all television, whether it's satellite or not. It's just a thing now that you can't watch TV in 2010 unless you pay a LOT of money.
See television doesn't work like other bills that you pay for your house. If you left the bathtub faucet running for an entire month, your gas and water bills would be thousands and thousands of dollars! But if you keep it mostly off, you can pay a much smaller fee. TV ain't like that. You could forget to use it for a whole year and they would still charge you the same rate as if you left it on the whole time. It's kind of like car insurance. You pay just in CASE something happens, but instead of an accident or injury you are paying a lot of money in case you feel like watching Comedy Central.
I don't have a calculator handy but I would estimate that in paying eight years of DirecTV bills, I have probably spent the equivalent of what it would take to start a small business, purchase one of the motorcycles that older men like to look at on calendars, or get a passenger seat on one of those upcoming civilian trips to the moon. But this e-mail I got the other day, with its promise of a FREE GIFT, seemed to validate my continuing support of the undisputed leader in satellite television service. What would it be? a free equipment upgrade? a new, thumb-friendlier remote control? I scrolled through the message, my eyes like heat-seeking missiles in pursuit of the exact details of this exciting treasure DirecTV had selected to thank me with. and finally they locked on the information in question:
1 FREE DIRECTV CINEMA MOVIE
NO STRINGS ATTACHED! (What would you attach them to?)
They recommend either Iron Man 2 or Sex and the City 2.
I have been invited to log into my account for more details on the free $5 movie. They also say that my OFFICIAL notification about the free $5 movie will be arriving in the MAIL shortly. I hope it's a registered letter, all with forms to fill out and such.
But assuming it's a postcard I am just gonna write "CRAPPY GIFT - NO THANKS" on it and mail it back. Like those sassy waitresses that bust out the "Sir, I think you forgot your change!" routine on bad tippers in restaurants.
Kiss my grits, DirecTV.
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