Everything is not exercise equipment

The first week of January is when everyone gets interested in getting into shape. You see all these chubby strangers out on the street, running around in the brand new jogging suit they got for Christmas. Then Martin Luther King Day comes and they say "Well, since it's a HOLIDAY, I think I will take a day off from that!" School children and girl scouts begin to come around with candy and cookies for sale, a big platter of enchiladas gets eaten at the Superbowl party, and by Valentine's Day everyone is convinced that their excess fattage is just "more to love." The big heart-shaped box of chocolates does not make it through the day, and everything goes back to normal.

If this describes you, hopefully your only investment was a new pair of sneakers or something. Hopefully you were not one of the people tricked into spending $99 on a bar that you can stick in "any doorframe" to do chin-ups and upside-down sit ups. There are more of these contraptions popping up all the time. It's usually either being pitched by some mixed martial arts fighter threatening to beat you up if you don't get into shape, or a lady with extra-nice naked abs swinging around in a special chair.

and I think everyone by now has seen the "Shake Weight." What in hell, this thing. It's the sort of device you would only ever expect to find in a special locked drawer in your parents' bedroom. Next to the GUN. Yet everyone is on TV demonstrating it openly.

There is no shortcut to getting in shape. It takes many long hard hours of lifting weights or running or Sweatin' to the Oldies. The only way to get a "home gym" is to buy a very large and complicated structure that costs many hundreds of dollars and does not fit anywhere in the home. Don't think that you can get in shape by purchasing "The Bar" or "The Ball" or whatever is coming next.

What IS coming next? "The Rock?" That could be the greatest ever scam, like the 70s "Pet Rock" except bigger and heavier and way more expensive. "Want to get in shape? Buy this special rock! You can lift it over your head, kick it, or THROW it!" Joe Montana would be a good pitchman for "The Rock," he already gave up his street cred with the Skechers thing.

and finally, if your "New Year's Resolution" was to get into shape by playing the wii, or some copycat version of the wii, you are a bonehead loser. At least the people that quit jogging after a day or two actually made it OUTSIDE for a few minutes. Video games are not exercise, they are the opposite. I know what you do. You jump up and down in front of the TV for a few minutes, then say "what a workout!" and go RUNNING for the coffee cake and Doritos. They should make a game that includes standing on a SCALE, and you can't get off the scale until you lose a pound or else a dragon eats you. Or maybe the thing you're wired to gives you a bad electric shock or injects you with poison or something.

2010 Year in Review

2010, the year everyone found out what the future was like. Back in old times like the 50s and 80s, there was a lot of speculation. "What will life be like in 2010? Will there be martians and flying cars and female Presidents?" The answer to all of that was no. Instead, the future turned out to be Geico commercials and getting tweets from Shaq while at work.

Okay here is everything that happened in 2010.

The main thing was Facebook. Everyone is on Facebook now, including the people that were not on Facebook a year ago. There are no more holdouts except for people that are trying REALLY hard not to use Facebook on purpose and other people that do not count, such as the elderly. Even homeless people are on Facebook now, they access it from the library. You should read some of the status updates.

("Kevin A. Delasandro is attending The Park.")

and of course, the texting and twittering is really out of hand. Soon you will be able to text-order a pizza or tweet your homework right to the teacher. The President is expected to begin tweeting a new weekly public address, tentatively titled "Fireside Chats 2," sometime in 2011. Probably in the summer, when he gets back from vacation.

Speaking of that guy, he had a pretty bad year. Everybody got mad at him because of "Obamacare," and then he accidentally got PUNCHED in the FACE while playing basketball. That makes him the first President to be punched in the face while in office since 1979 (Carter).

Sports were more popular than ever in 2010, but were marred because people like Brett Favre and Tiger Woods and Ben Roethlisberger kept committing bad sex crimes. Conversely, it was the first year ever that Mike Tyson did not do anything wrong! Good for him.

In actuality the main troublemaker of 2010 turned out to be MEL GIBSON. He kept screaming and swearing at EVERYONE. It was awful, worse than even Betty White. Also he is now racist against all people.

England elected a new Prime Minister in 2010. No one is sure who he is, but like most English people, he is widely believed to be "too British." The bigger story was that Prince William is getting MARRIED. in 3-D! You can go watch it at a movie theater if you want, but please, no talking (you can tweet instead).

Coming in 2011... 3-D tweets?

North Korea was up to no good, as usual, so we might have another war soon. If so, I wonder if people will still try to pin it on Bush? He's been gone for quite awhile. You can't just keep blaming old Presidents for stuff. "You know why coffee is so expensive now? Reagan."

Oh the other big story was that everybody at the airport is allowed to feel you up and see you naked now. People are pretty outraged by this, especially really good-looking people and REALLY bad-looking people. The people in the middle don't mind as much.

Other things from 2010:

- The big earthquake

- Polish President plane crash

- The ICELANDIC VOLCANO

- Oil oil everywhere

- The Chilean miners and their mistresses

- That really long tennis match

- The other big earthquake

- Sea World employees getting killed by whales

- Arizona kicking out Mexicans

- Wikileaks

- That male flight attendant that jumped off the plane

- Bed bugs

- Olympic hockey

- Jay Leno being a jerk

- Christmas

Holiday classics

Ebenezer Scrooge was a rich old man that was also a jerk. It is for those reasons that I would estimate that he probably liked golf. At the end of "A Christmas Carol," Scrooge becomes nice because some ghosts threatened him. But even nice people such as kindly grandpas still tend to cheat at golf, they think it's part of the fun. I am working on a new Scrooge story, sort of a "summer sequel," where some ghosts confront him at the golf course and tell him not to cheat or else a little girl might die. (Still working on getting the rights, I was forced to sign a thing promising to publish all my future Scrooge stories "legally" after what happened with that last one.)

Rudolph was a sap. "We hate you! Oh wait, it's foggy! You're cool, Rudolph! Let's get you reined to the sleigh!" Makes you wonder what that girl reindeer was after. "That was a fun date, Rudolph! I really like you. By the way, got any money? No? This is one of my other reindeer friends, Jerome Sweetlaces. He'd like to have a word with you."

So let me get this straight...the Grinch steals everything, but the Whos are still happy, so he gives it all back and then gets an invitation to dinner? He didn't even say he was sorry! and the dinner, did he even bring a side dish or some wine or anything? Does the Grinch know how to cook? He seemed pretty domesticated, he had a sewing machine and everything. Imagine the Grinch with potholders on taking a big rack of lamb out of the oven. and what did all the Whos get for Christmas the NEXT year? You guessed it, homemade clothes! (Ugh.)

Frosty the Snowman smokes a pipe. Where does he get matches? The only people he knows are kids. "Here's more matches, Frosty. I couldn't get that other stuff you wanted, though. The liquor cabinet was locked and I checked the bathroom but didn't really see any pills. Are you sure that's what snowmen eat? Also I asked around at school, nobody knows where to get hookers. I told you they wouldn't."

(Pssst...you get them from Jerome Sweetlaces.)

Everyone loves watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas," but why didn't they show how the play turned out?! Ever been to a children's Christmas pageant? When the kids take their bows, all the adults stand up and clap and cheer. It gets pretty loud. That would have been neat, to hear all the Charlie Brown parents and teachers that sound like trombones making a big out-of-tune orchestra commotion.

Followed by a long period of trombone murmuring as everyone puts on their coats.

Bring back Crazy Foam (it's time)

Okay if you don't remember Crazy Foam it was basically shaving cream that kids were intended to play with. a can of shaving cream with Superman or Batman on it or whoever.


You would press the button on the can and the foam would come out of the character's mouth. Kind of like Silly String, except it would come out in a big glob. It made it look like Batman ate WAY too many marshmallows. ("Bleghhhhh...")

It sounds foolish but you have to understand that wasting money was a popular fad in the 1970s. (See: the Pet Rock, gold chains, KISS)

Crazy Foam was supposed to be a thing that you could take in the bathtub and such, help you get clean in a fun way, but of course a bunch of stupid kids decided to EAT the foam so nobody was allowed to have it anymore.

Since those times, the earth has gotten to be a much worse and lazy place in a lot of ways. People will heat an entree in a microwave or send out wedding invitations on Facebook so they don't have to lick a bunch of envelopes. and of course parenting has gotten super-psycho. When I was five years old I would walk to school with my brother, jumping over puddles and running across the street in between cars. Nowadays you see this whole production where if a kid is getting picked up by the school bus the whole world has to stop. a step-parent is waiting outside with him at the exact house where he lives (WEHT all kids waiting together at the corner?) and then some person in a neon vest gets OFF the bus to "help" the kid get ON the bus. Once on the bus the child can use his phone to text the step-parent and confirm that he has safely made it to his seat. The child is usually fat because he is not allowed to walk anywhere or ride a bike without putting on a plastic suit of armor.

I don't think kids eating Crazy Foam would be too much of a problem in 2011. Parents don't let their kids do anything anymore besides homework and soccer, and they always hang around during activities like that. Very few reported cases of "THE BABY SWALLOWED A WEEBLE!" lately. and besides there are all sorts of things a kid COULD accidentally ingest. Cell phones are getting really small!

So I expect to see all-new Crazy Foam with Spongebob and Obama and Tigger and all the other cartoon characters on it sometime in the near future. They should market other "bathtime fun" products too, like a water balloon filled with shampoo. It has Elmo's face on it and when you squeeze and explode it the shampoo flies all over the place.

By the way look at where they assumed Spiderman's "mouth" to be.

Suspicious Cliff Claven photo

So Christmas is coming up and I ain't asking for much from Santa (what do you get for the guy that has EVERYTHING?) but I decided that maybe I would like some gourmet ketchup and something really good and obvious and simple like the first season of "Cheers" on DVD.

So I went to Amazon and this is what I saw...



Now if I'm known for one thing other than road rage it is my extensive knowledge of 1980s television (just TRY to stump me at Magnum P.I. trivia) so there was a hugely disturbing problem right off the bat. As EVERYONE should know, while John Ratzenberger DID APPEAR as "Cliff Claven" in the first season of Cheers, he was NOT YET a credited cast member. He was just one of those supplemental characters like Dudley on "Diff'rent Strokes" or the retarded girl on "Facts of Life."

See when they make a new TV show they release these nice-looking publicity photos that are intended to make the show popular. Everybody from the show all getting along.

Part of taking a good photograph is getting the people right in the middle. So in the case of Cheers they had this nice picture of Sam and Diane centralized, with Coach on the left, Norm on the right, and Carla behind. The more I stare at it I continue to pick up on all sorts of editing flaws, but there is one that really sticks out. LOOK AT HOW THEY MOVED THE ENTIRE SHOT OVER TO THE RIGHT JUST TO SQUEEZE IN STUPID CLIFF CLAVEN.

There's no way he was in that picture originally. Why take the time and effort to get him in there? Like he's so important, like they really thought he'd help "sell" the DVD. What, people wouldn't want Cheers anyway? It's CHEERS! I guess the color blue is kind of nice, maybe that's why.

I hereby DEMAND that John Ratzenberger be removed from the covers of all future prints of Cheers Season 1 DVDs. Especially when it comes out in 3D. You aren't fooling anybody. The top of Carla's head was so obviously meant to be right in the middle, it would fit so perfectly underneath the wavy "Cheers" logo.

The incredible TRUE story of the BIG STORM

So I got kicked out of work early on Wednesday because it was snowing a LOT and that made it difficult to get home. That's what workplaces do. "Man, it looks like it's IMPOSSIBLE to drive out there! Go home!" Cars were lined up in a standstill heading in the opposite direction, some of them stuck/stranded entirely. It was just then getting dark, and the snowfall was very nasty.

It was at this point that my car decided to be a dick. All like "Umm, can I have some engine coolant please? I don't feel good." I did not have any of that around. I keep my engine coolant at the house. "GOOD PLACE FOR IT!" as someone's stupid car-knowing dad might say.

We get to a major intersection. Light is green, but traffic is not moving. The car begins to vibrate, and I start yelling at it like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction.

Car: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Me: BITCH, be cool!

Car: GRRRRRRRRRRRR

Me: BITCH, be COOL!

The car also does not have any heat, so while waiting in traffic snow was kind of piling up on the windows and I could not see anything that was not straight ahead. That's okay because straight ahead was where I was going.

After stopping to pick up beer and the dog, in that order, we actually did somehow make it home. Dog was confused. "Where is the yard? I need that."

There is this strategy people use where they wait for the snow to stop falling before they start to shovel. That way you only have to do it once. So I begin to drink beer and wait.

5:00...
6:00...
7:00...
8:00...

It's still snowing, and now there is a LOT of it. I decide to get to work. Initially I have really good enthusiasm, feeling like John Henry and his hammer. "This is kind of FUN!"

9:00...
10:00...
11:00...
12:00...

It's still snowing. I am tired and wet. I begin to think up ridiculous plans.

"I can sleep from 1am until 3am, then shovel everything again, then sleep from 5am to 5:45am, then shovel the end of the driveway at least, get ready for work, shovel, go to work, come home, shovel everything again, and sometime around midnight tomorrow I'll be done!"

Morning comes, and I go to look out the kitchen window.

"It won't be that bad, I made a lot of progress last night."

Imagine looking out the window in the morning and the Grinch is standing there giving you the finger.

At least a foot of snow is everywhere, plus drifts. The cars are totally buried, and the street has not been plowed. Morale is low. Also it is STILL SNOWING. I dig in, still kidding myself about making it to work that day. All I need is for that plow to come, right? Should be any minute.

7:00...
8:00...
9:00...
10:00...
11:00...

No plow. and everything that I shoveled has to be shoveled AGAIN because it is still snowing with rapid accumulation. One car is parked on the street, totally buried. I have no dry footwear left, so I am just wearing old wet leaky boots with no socks. It may sound miserable, but morale is HIGH. First of all I didn't have to go to work. Any kind of chore is more pleasurable than being at a place where you HAVE to be. That's why kids always liked clapping erasers in school. All the other kids are sitting in boring old class, but you are OUTSIDE and CLAPPING ERASERS. I remember one time they made us mop the gym. "This is awesome, we're MISSING CLASS!" All schools should fire the janitors and just let the kids clean up everything. Who would complain? "They love it!"

So I keep on shoveling, taking frequent beer breaks. No plow. There is a snow drift on the porch covering almost the entire front window. Finally a plow comes down the OTHER side of the street, and gets stuck. Other plows arrive on the scene. "Having some trouble there, buddy?" That has to be really emasculating. You have a PLOW and are stuck in the snow and need help. "Hello I can neither drive, plow, nor please a woman. I am now banned from all barber shops and Hooters locations."

I am drunk, wet, sore, and watching two plows effectively dance with each other across the street. They are moving around, but not really moving anywhere. Soon it gets dark again, and it's still snowing. The plow eventually escaped. I hope that guy got sent home for the day. They finished plowing the OTHER side of the street, but not ours. and they KEPT plowing the OTHER side of the street periodically. Like some cruel psychological experiment. They should have passed out coffee and hot sandwiches to the people across the street as well. "Compliments of the city!" I tried to give one of the plow drivers a real mean look, but he wouldn't make eye contact.

APPARENTLY they would not plow our side of the street because there were too many cars parked on it, buried in snow, including one of mine. (I have TWO cars because I am WEALTHY. One of them even has heat.) So I guess the city's plan was to have the residents brush the snow off the cars, dismantle them, let the plow through, and then reassemble them. No way was I going along with THAT.

The next morning comes, and it has STOPPED SNOWING. Again I am kidding myself about making it to work. Street is still not plowed, but it should be ANY MINUTE. RIGHT? According to the TV news, 85% of neighborhood streets had been plowed. Only a measly 15% left! That's us! I get back to shoveling, but am running out of places to put the snow. Eight-foot mountain at the corner of the front yard, nine-foot mountain at the corner of the back yard, about a three-foot gap in the driveway where both cars are supposed to fit. Hmmm.

At about 10:45am I see a VEHICLE at the end of the street. and it's on OUR SIDE. But it's not a PLOW, per-se, it is a bulldozer. The kind that can lift heavy things like gravel or pieces of a burnt-up house. Impressive. BUT, you see, while a plow can get down the whole street in like 30 seconds, a bulldozer has to bulldoze, stop, scoop, lift, and find a place to put what it lifted. All backing up and turning around and such. In other words it was clearly gonna take FOREVER. I guess the city was pissed at us for not dismantling the cars.

The bulldozer makes it about halfway down the street, and gets stuck.

Really.

For 45 minutes this bulldozer is spinning its wheels, trying to free itself. I am wondering what kind of vehicle will show up next. Maybe a tank or a dump truck full of dwarfs carrying picks and shovels. Instead it was just another bulldozer. I kind of expected the second bulldozer guy to get out and hit the first bulldozer guy with his hat, like Skipper and Gilligan, but that didn't happen. Instead they both got out and had a conversation (no reason to hurry, they were both on the clock probably), and then the second bulldozer did some kind of bulldozer Heimlich maneuver to the first bulldozer (it was a little gay) and he was "rescued."

The second bulldozer guy left (I hope he yelled "Don't do that again!") and the first bulldozer guy got back to work, probably embarrassed now. People watching him, all skeptical. "Do you really know what you're doing?" "Sorry, it's my first day!"

Eventually he did manage to CLEAR the STREET. So now, after two days of shoveling, all I would have to do is...shovel more! Then we could have cars again. But I was out of beer, so I needed to go to the store on foot.

Me: I'm going to the store, do you need anything?

Wife: Well we could use some milk.

Me: No, not that, do you NEED anything?

Wife: Maybe something for lunch...

Me: No, I mean do you NEED anything?

Wife: No.

The happy ending? We MOVED the CARS. There is no exciting conclusion, because this story was true, and true stories are never that great. That's why so many people are liars.

Hot girls making cookies

Lots of people are afraid to fly on airplanes. Is anybody afraid of the airplane itself? Scared to look at it? Once you got on everything would be okay, you can't SEE the plane from the inside.

If you are a manager at a meat-packing place and need to interview a potential employee, do the interview right in the freezer. If they can't make it through THAT, forget 'em.

Who makes up combinations? There must be some kind of safe or locker at the White House with petty cash in it. Who decides what the combination is? "11-12-64 seems pretty good to me." "No you idiot that is too OBVIOUS." I think a robot should do it. Robots know best in cases like that.

They say elephants never forget, but elephants also don't seem to have too many enemies. They never get stood up for the prom and such. What exactly are they REMEMBERING? "That antelope was a dick to me once."

Some restaurants offer huge steaks and burgers and other foods that nobody could possibly eat. Other businesses should do that. "Just TRY to collect on this ridiculous life insurance policy!" "There is no way you will EVER finish reading this gigantic magazine."

Terrorism is a problem. It has made people afraid to receive powder in envelopes. Is there any kind of powder that is ABSOLUTELY necessary?

(Idea: Ban powder)

Lava lamps were popular for a short time. Problem was they didn't provide any kind of service, so people stopped buying them. Lava lamp coffee maker would be pretty cool, eh? Or else a lava lamp that is also an aquarium. There would be heating and cooling issues, but I think people would like to stare at multiple things at once.

Elves do not exist, yet people are so torn over what they theoretically would be like. Some people think elves should be little imps that make Christmas toys for children, while others think they should be hot girls in Lord of the Rings movies. All tall and "emo." and then there is this fringe group that thinks elves live in trees and bake cookies. a winning idea would be a book or movie about hot girls that like to make toys and cookies. Everybody wins.