How come nobody gets shot at Target?

(Shot/Target ha ha get it?)

BUT SERIOUSLY FOLKS...

Why is every holiday shooting, trampling, and/or pepper-spraying always at actual Wal-mart itself? Do hostile poor people just really really love going there, specifically? I have seen low-brow hotheads in other places. Why does nobody get stabbed at Denny's? How come there's no violence at the Home Depot? They sell a lot of weapons there.

Wal-mart is in denial. They have neither accepted nor acknowledged that holiday shopping violence is their "thing." But everyone knows this to be true. There are youtubes.

I feel bad for the Wal-mart staff. Not only is there a good chance that their lives suck in general but they also are made to work at 3am the morning after a holiday, and then when they show up they get shot at and trampled. Do they still have the elderly greeter person at the door when the crowd rushes in the second they open? If that person pretends to take any pride in their work WHATSOEVER that is the exact time to put-up or shut-up. Greet EVERY SINGLE PERSON as they are trampling their way past you. You cannot accept your paycheck with a clear conscience unless you can do so.

Most of the violence seems to occur in "electronics." It's fighting over X-Box and Playstation and phones. Call me old-fashioned but I miss the good old days when holiday shoppers would beat each other to death in the toy department. There's a lot more room for creative license in the toy department, there's so much cool stuff around. Imagine cracking someone right on top of their head with one of those Fisher Price corn pop push toys.

Imagine whipping a Nerf ball into someone's face. "Ha ha, that didn't hurt." Then you mace them.

Disclaimer: DON'T BE VIOLENT.

All kidding aside, this "Black Friday" thing has RUINED Thanksgiving. Christopher Columbus would not approve. So how do we fix it? Well here's an idea: Make everybody go to work! Employers everywhere can stick it to Big Retail by showing that THEY can be greedy TOO. No more getting the day after Thanksgiving off. Take Halloween off instead since THAT'S the day everybody LOVES.

In fact Halloween should be the new super nutjob shopping/shooting/trampling day. Just combine all the idiocy into one big looney fest. Bunch of retards in Dracula and Batman costumes choking and punching each other to nab a $15 DVD player. Old man at Wal-mart passing out candy at the door, someone dressed as Captain America pepper-sprays him and runs off with the candy, police are busy putting handcuffs on a MUMMY, would be bliss.

Arts and Crafts

Heyyyyy kids, time for the arts and crafts blog.

You can eat paste, of course, and Play-Doh and I think you can even eat crayons. But you can't eat rubber cement. EVEN THOUGH rubber cement would TOTALLY make an excellent-looking glaze for shrimp or pork. Imagine a ham brushed with rubber cement. Yum. But don't do that, you'll be killed.

I miss WATERCOLORS. Need to buy some of those. I think as an adult I might be able to keep them from running together. I would buy a different brush for each color. No more diligently washing and squeezing out the brush after using the black. IT DOESN'T WORK. Soon the yellow is black, the orange is black, the white is black, ENOUGH. Eight colors, eight brushes. Problem solved.

Some people like to build houses out of popsicle sticks. That is one case where I think arson would be sort of funny. Somebody wakes up in the morning and sees that their popsicle stick house has burned down. "What the HELL?"

The arsonist is at the kitchen table, sucking on a popsicle ominously. "Bad wiring...I guess." *slurp*

You can also make stuff out of macaroni and pine cones. I have a briefcase full of macaroni and pine cones that I always take to the airport with me. You should see their faces when they make me open it. Not as good as the faces they make when I hand them homemade macaroni and pine cone CRAFTS after my RETURNING flight. "My trip was productive."

Another thing I like is gluing autumn leaves to construction paper. Very pretty. Try it at work if you need to hand-deliver a document to somebody.

"You are FIRED."


Origami is a neat little hobby. I think kids should learn it at a young age so they can throw better things than paper airplanes while at school. Teacher all mad "WHO THREW A PAPER SWAN AT ME?" "Martin Anthony Lombardi did you just assault me with a PTERODACTYL?"

Glitter adds a nice touch to almost any project. Paintings, sculptures, anything. Wouldn't the Venus De Milo look great with glitter all over her body? Men would throw singles at her, the museum would get so many donations. "Oh YEAH baby you don't NEED no arms, you KNOW what I mean!"

Again, don't do that, you'll be killed.

HAIR

Whether you are a man or a nice lady, everyone has to decide how to style their hair. Men have it sort of easy. Just cut it real short and you will get nice compliments from grandmothers and strict army guys. The downside is that sometimes it gets TOO short though and starts to fall out. So then there's this trick where you shave it ALL off. Nobody wants to walk around looking like Captain Stubing from Love Boat.





So instead you just go totally bald and pretend like you did it on purpose. You will have to endure some very cruel Uncle Fester jokes and taunts but otherwise people will mostly leave you alone.

VERY alone.

Meanwhile ladies have all kinds of decisions to make. All kinds of lengths and colors and bang choices (!) and sprays and smells and highlights. Woo boy!

They get either real mad or real happy about each other's hair. "Look at that BITCH she should NOT be walking around like that. Does she think she's one of the JUDDS?" "Oh look at that nice simple short hair-do, that woman deserves a good man that will never look at other ladies and one that can afford to take her places on a PLANE."

Some men think they are allowed to make "choices" too. No.

Don't walk out of the house with a pony-tail. What are you DOING? Don't you want to be taken SERIOUSLY? There must be some thrill in looking like you COULD be sent to jail at some point that very day. Otherwise what is the point? "I just wanted to make sure no one would mistake me for a doctor."

Imagine getting pulled over by a cop and you have an AFRO. "I am not up to anything, officer. I just happen to have this huge afro. I don't hang out in bad places. Look, I have a Chris Isaak CD. That's proof."


More bad hair:

- Bowl cuts

- Pigtails

- Combovers

- Buns

- Flat tops

- The Charles Bronson

- Puffy priest head

- Greasy grunge

- Rat tails

- Flock of Seagulls

- "I have hair all over my head except for this exact spot the size of a quarter"

- The Rob Schneider

- Really curly blonde guy

- All old lady hair

- The Unicorn


How did Jesus get haircuts? That part was left out of the Bible. I mean it didn't seem like he got one too OFTEN, but you know. a lot of people knew that Jesus was Jesus. If you were thinking at the time, maybe sweep the barber shop floor and save his hair in a bag? You could sell it later at a charity auction or use it as a door prize at a stag.

I am writing a new chapter of the Bible (FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY, DON'T GET MAD) called "The Last Haircut." It's mainly Jesus talking to his apostles while he gets his hair cut.

Matthew: Jesus do you have words to share today?

Jesus: Yes, love thy brothers and thy brothers will love thou.

Matthew: True dat.

Luke: Mmmm-hmmm.

John: Tell it.

The Barber: Word.

I am ready to take over for Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney is DEAD.

I think I can fill the void. Here is my audition:

1) What ever happened to LICKING stamps? Maybe if we weren't talking on our cellular phones so much our BIG MOUTHS would have more time for LITTLE THINGS. and what are we going to stop licking next? Lollipops? I don't like where any of this is going.

2) Why do we need computers? They waste electricity and make startling noises. I saw a man typing on a "lap top" style computer while eating his breakfast at Denny's. I don't understand. What was so important that he had to share it with the inter net before he finished his breakfast? Ironically, it was probably, "My eggs are getting cold."

3) Why are the young ladies of today so proud to have large rear ends? I don't understand. Years ago, there were diet pills for such conditions. But now it's something to be celebrated? I don't understand. The same girls we are counting on to grow up to be our nurses and teachers could not be prouder of their oversized, as they call them, "booties." Maybe it's time to tune out of Music Television and tune into the REAL "Real World."

4) Why are pickles so hard to open? You twist and twist and run out of breath, ultimately forced to submit to that delicious Kosher spear taunting you from the other side of the glass. I don't get it. Are pickles bad for me? Is this for my protection? My medication has a safety cap, but I can open that in two seconds. Are there special instructions I'm not aware of? I guess pickles, like tax cuts, are something people like me weren't meant to have.

5) When is this Bart Simpson person going to be taken off the air? Not to have a "cow," but I don't understand. Shouldn't he have grown up by now? I realize, Bart, that you are not a real person. You are merely an animated, calculated, fabricated role model for today's youth. However, if in some fantastical scenario you and I were ever to cross paths, I would like to ask you one question. I know who *I* am, Bart. Who the hell are YOU?

6) Is there one person left under the age of 40 that doesn't have something implanted in their face? Can't you buy a movie ticket or a quart of milk without being FRIGHTENED anymore? I saw a young man serving coffee and counted no less than seven objects "decorating" his visage. Walt Disney World does not allow the man that carries your bags to sport even a mustache, yet some establishments entrust ladies with (presumed) ornaments dangling from their netherbits to serve you an egg salad sandwich? No thanks. I'll stick with Mickey and Donald, and comfortably regard the rest of you as "Goofy."

Okay, there ya go. Anyone reading this that works for 60 Minutes or even a rival newsmagazine can e-mail me. (I can't work weekends, though.)

Halloween costumes

So here it is! The day that kids and idiots everywhere have been waiting for. Hall-o-ween. Got your costume ready? No? Well here are some tips.

If you are an adult man, SIMPLE IS GOOD. Be a vampire. You need fangs and a cape. Everyone will know "what you are." Wrap yourself in bandages and be a mummy. Eyepatch, you're a pirate. Bathrobe and pointy homemade white hat, you're the POPE. Not hard.

That being said, you have to put in SOME effort. No putting on your softball uniform and being "a baseball player." No being a "UPS guy" if you really are a UPS guy. No bringing your orange vest and shotgun to the party and saying "I'm a hunter!"

Now if you're a woman, dressing up is a bit more complicated. (Isn't it always?) You can pick something sweet, or even something scary, but either way you are expected to bring the sexy. a lady vampire showing a gratuitous amount of cleavage is a good one. Or Little Bo Peep in whore makeup. It is Halloween tradition to look as slutty as possible while eating pumpkin cookies.

and of course there are people of both genders that try to come up with a costume that's either, like, "conceptual" or else way too ambitious. These costumes can be GREAT if you have the means to pull them off right. Otherwise, DISASTER. If you are supposed to be the Geico Gecko you better make DAMN sure you look like him. If people are coming up to you asking "What are you supposed to be? Kermit the Frog?" then you have made a serious costuming blunder and need to leave the party. Or if you just make yourself up like a dead person and carry around a Mac saying "I'm Steve Jobs! Get it?" Yeah we get it, now get out.

Anyway Halloween is best left to CHILDREN in the first place. Kids get to be whatever they want. It is an important decision. They begin planning their ensemble sometime over the summer. "I think I'm gonna be a Ninja Turtle." Bold choice, not too many kids pick that anymore. Now it's up to mom to get the costume ready. Money is spent. Finishing touches are added. October 31st comes, and the child rushes in after school, can't wait to get Turtled up. Mom says "Don't put that on yet, you have to eat dinner first, get over here and eat some ravioli." Finally it's dusk, time to TRICK-OR-TREAT. Costume goes on, looks perfect, and then mom says "You need to wear a winter coat and hat and gloves, it's freezing out."

So now there's a Ninja Turtle and a Batman and a vampire and a ballerina all walking up and down the street with winter coats on. It's hard to look "cool" on Halloween. Superman would not wear earmuffs and carry a plastic bag. He also wouldn't have his mother walking the streets with him. So the whole thing is compromised! There should be one day for the costumes and another day for the candy begging. Otherwise it just doesn't work out. How did those two traditions get combined in the first place? There should be SEPARATION of CHURCH and STATE like happens with Santa Claus.

Occupy Wall Street

Hey! There's this new thing you can do where if you don't like rich people you can go OCCUPY a space near the rich people. It's like a combination of 1960s sit-in protests and NFL tailgating.

The main current protest is on Wall Street. At the park. I didn't know Wall Street had a park until now. Does it have a playground, petting zoo, anything good? a FOUNTAIN? People could throw pennies in there. For Wall Street to KEEP. Ha! Take THAT!

The protests are now WORLD-WIDE. Including at least 600 U.S. communities. Really. 600. Can you even name 600 towns within the United States?

"Occupy Hutchinson, Kansas! We are sick of all the bullshit! Meet in the Dairy Queen parking lot! No tents."

"Occupy Nome, Alaska. It's basically what we're doing already!"

Now the obvious question. Where are all of these people URINATING? Especially the girls. Must be delicious irony when they manage to locate a public restroom and the sign says "Occupied."

What do the protesters want? Regulation of CAPITALISM! Just in time for the holiday season! So it's like the opposite of Black Friday. Instead of conglomerating at Wal-mart at 3am to spend, spend, SPEND as soon as the doors open, they just gather at the park and demand to be given stuff. In fact a good P.R. stunt for Wal-mart would be to send a Santa Claus to Wall Street with a big sack of money and just start handing it out to the protesters. "We at Wal-mart support your cause and stand with the 99%!" The Santa Claus, and many of the protesters, would of course be trampled to death but there's no such thing as bad publicity. The Dairy Queen in Hutchinson, Kansas could maybe start giving away free Blizzards! Which again would of course result in deadly tramplings.

In fact once the weather turns cold, and our U.S. parks are so soiled and ruined that nobody can use them anymore, the protesters should move on and OCCUPY the MALL. Just hang out and be in the way to slow down commerce. It's legal, old people do it every morning. They call it "mall-walking." Buy one cup of coffee and you're set, nobody can kick you out. Stand in the hugely long line at the Disney Store and then just don't buy anything. Fill a whole shopping cart with blu-rays at Best Buy and then just choose not to buy them. THAT will make a POINT about capitalist GREED.

Plus, nothing better to do, eh?

The evolution of HIPSTERS

So there sure are a lot of "hipsters" around these days. If you are not familiar with hipsters, or where they came from, this educational blog will explain it to you (I got a grant for this).

Hipsters are, like, these nerds with faux self-esteem. Years ago nerds used to be lonely. People would point and laugh at them. "You have no friends." They soon hypothesized that they could incorporate math and logic to disprove these taunts, so they started gathering in groups. "There, now no one can say that we have no friends. We outsmarted them, because we are smart." But it did not work. The taunting was just updated to "What a big bunch of geeks." Hmmm. Disappointing, but still fascinating, to the mind of the nerd.

They then realized that being solitary was not the issue. Darth Vader had no friends, but nobody made fun of HIM. So what was it? Since they were now gathered in groups, they could explore the common themes. Smart, into books, ill-fitting clothes, bad at sports...WAIT a minute...we are a STEREOTYPE!

So they began to change it up. Instead of two guys wearing glasses and suspenders, ONE guy wears glasses and grows a Fu-Man mustache, and the other wears suspenders with a BOWLER hat. If he really has poor eyesight, he just wears contacts. The guy that gave up his suspenders just lets his pants hang low.

Then they all started drinking a lot of coffee. Not like at Dunkin' Donuts where a bully or auto mechanic might see them, but at these little hole-in-the-wall independent cafes where they could safely gather in greater and greater numbers. Next thing you knew they were no longer ANTI-social, because they had CREATED a SOCIETY.

Interests in elitist subculture would now go unpenalized. Being smart would not only be permitted, but ENCOURAGED. and what PARTIES they would have, drinking ironic beers with only the boniest of women.

Everyone ELSE was an outsider now. Confidence swelled. Feeling empowered, they began to amuse each other by ridiculing the outside world. "Some people haven't even HEARD of Peter, Bjorn, and John!" "I quoted Garden State at the dinner table and my dad totally didn't get it."

Eventually the movement became too prominent not to be noticed. Modern nerds were all over, smoking cigarettes in front of book stores. Confrontation was inevitable. But what would be said? "Big bunch of geeks?" These were not geeks, these were super-smug smarty-pantses!

So I'm not sure where slang terms exactly come from, but I guess at some point someone complained, "You think you're so hip, DON'T you? You.....HIPSTER."

"Hipster" had previously been an insult hurled at creative types in the 1940s, so maybe it was an old person who brought it back. Old people are lame so they sometimes get sensitive and lash out when they're around regular people.

Some more things about hipsters are that they shop at Goodwill, use drugs, are mainly vegetarian but do not eat actual vegetables, don't exercise, are unmarried, know everything, and are jobless.