There are too many people on the Earth: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted August 28, 2007)

This planet is overpopulated.  The world population is going to reach SEVEN BILLION soon, and it will probably only go up from there.  Most of these people will be in China, India, and Uganda, but a lot of them will be in regular countries too.  Obviously there are dozens of things to be concerned about in regards to the future of the world.  Will there be enough oxygen?  and food?  Sometimes I get hungry late at night.

Overpopulation will cause a multitude of problems.  Some examples:

1) Long lines for the roller coaster

I can't imagine what it must be like to go to an amusement park in China and have to wait in a line that's like a billion people long just for one ride.  Not to mention the beer stand, BATHROOMS, waterslide, and FINDING A PLACE TO PARK!  That must make for such a miserable day, especially if it's hot outside.  Why even go?

2) No privacy!

If there are too many billions of people on the planet, everywhere you go there is gonna be somebody.  Where will people go to make out?  You will park your car at some remote location under the stars, and children and hooligans will be running around all over the place.  That kills the mood.  You will go to take out the trash, and when you lift off the garbage can lid there will be a guy in there.  "Sorry, this was the only place I fit."

3) Everyone will steal your bike

Streets will be so clogged with traffic that bicycles will be the best way to get around, and introducing more people to the planet inevitably means that we will be introducing more THIEVES.  Don't even think about buying lawn ornaments or outdoor Christmas lights.  That stuff will be GONE.


So how do we correct overpopulation?  Well over the weekend I did tons of research and have come to the conclusion that we can't.  Too many people are gettin' it on, and there will not be enough air and crops for the babies when they grow up.  In about 100 years, life on the planet will be like a perpetual car trip with your family.  Everything will be cramped and everyone will be irritable and you will have to play that alphabet game to maintain sanity.  The government will issue a cooler full of sandwiches and drink boxes to each home.  and maybe books of Mad-Libs (if we're lucky).


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Pajamas

Some men still wear pajamas.  and I don't mean just the flannel pants with the old t-shirt.  The FULL SET.  a grown man sleeping in bottoms that exactly match the top.  Not to stereotype, but a lot of these men seem to be pretty well-off financially.  What's the connection?  I guess maybe they are also used to wearing nice suits where the pants have to match the jacket.  There should be a special "night tie" that they sleep in as well.  It would be worn looser than their daytime tie, but still made of fine material.

and if you're really, REALLY rich you should wear one of those pantless gowns with the long sleeping cap like Ebenezer Scrooge.  All by YOURSELF.

It's a lot more acceptable for women to wear pajamas.  Cause that's cute.  But ladies, please not at Walmart, Burger King, the county fair, etc.  You should not eat cotton candy with pajamas on.

AND!

Do NOT buy these:

Retaining too much water to put on actual pants?  Fool everyone in your home or office with Pajama Jeans!  I dare any bloated woman to wear these on a first date.  "He'll never suspect a thing!  They're perfect!"  The guy sitting across the table is thinking "I hope she doesn't notice this is just one of those t-shirts with a tuxedo PRINTED on it!"  Everyone at Golden Corral stares as the two of them walk hand-in-hand to the cotton candy bar.


and guess what?  Thanks to our old buddy the internet, I am now aware that there are even WORSE things out there...

What in holy damn hell.  If these exist, SOME couple owns them.  and the people in the pictures are models, intended to make the product look attractive and good.  People in real life, the ones buying these, do not look like that.  What is the largest size in which you can get matching footie pajamas with a flap in the back?  3X?  4X?

5X?

6?


Some people just boycott pajamas altogether and sleep in the nude.  Cheapskates.  Who do you think you are?  James Bond?  James Bond is a character in a movie.  He can't have sex with the Russian spy girl and then say "Well, I'm bushed.  Better get my pjs on!"  Then again, if you're James Bond, people are always trying to kill you.  So you should never be naked, you have to be READY for ANYTHING.  So basically his best option is probably to do the thing where you get dressed and sneak out after the girl falls asleep.  He would be good at it, he is a SPY.  Spies are quiet, sneaky, and clever.  He could also do the thing where you leave $10 on the nightstand so that the girl wakes up feeling like a cheap hooker.  and don't feel sorry for her, she's with the BAD guys!  Remember?  They're all trying to KILL him!


Oh, here's another one:

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The Geico Cavemen: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted August 21, 2007)

I do not like the Geico Cavemen!

The premise makes no sense.  THEY DO NOT LIVE IN CAVES!  They live in that house with the piano.  So they are not "cavemen," they are just Neanderthals or Dryopitheci or something.

When the guy said "so easy a caveman could do it" he meant that a person completely inexperienced with technology and computers and heavy machinery and stuff would still be able to enjoy and navigate the Geico website.  Even if that person lived in a cave with no computer hook-ups in it.  Kind of an exaggeration but I understood his point.

WHY DID THEY GET MAD?  It's the living in the cave that's the issue, not their slope of brow.  I could understand maybe if they did live in caves, they might argue "Hey jerk just because I live in a cave doesn't mean I'm stupid.  I just like caves, okay?"  But they don't, and then they got all paranoid and jumped to the conclusion that he was mocking them.  He was really mocking people that live in caves, many of whom have traditionally happened to be at the same evolutionary level.

So to simplify, all cavemen are Neanderthals, but not all Neanderthals are cavemen.  Or maybe that's backwards.  Anyway, he shouldn't have had to buy them dinner.

Now I hear that these jerks are getting their own TV show, which I'm sure will be met with tremendous critical acclaim and generate huger television ratings than an Urkel/Balki wedding.  I'm being SARCASTIC if you can't tell.  More likely it will get cancelled after one day and everybody involved will feel embarrassed and ashamed and turn to pills and scientology for comfort.  Like what happened to the people that tried to make a TV show for Bowzer from Sha-na-na.  (Look it up.)


Here's how that wedding would go by the way:

Urkel throws the bouquet, which gets caught in a candelabra chandelier, catches fire, and then the chandelier falls into the wedding cake, smashing the table and sending broken glass everywhere and setting off the sprinklers.  Everybody screams.

Urkel: Did iiiiiiiiiiiiii do that?

Balki: Of course not, don be reedeeculohs.

Urkel: *snort laugh*

Bowzer: Dope doh doh dope doh

(END)


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My script for Expendables 3

Welp, thanks to a hefty independent film grant I have now been able to begin composing a script for "Expendables 3."

In case you didn't know, "The Expendables" is a new movie franchise that has a lot of big tough guy action stars in it.  The cast includes Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, CHUCK NORRIS, and Jean-Claude Van Damme.  "Expendables 2" was released this weekend.  It was not good.

I think the REASON it was not good was because there were not ENOUGH tough guy celebrities in it.  So I have come up with what I feel is a good script for Expendables 3 that would be way better.


The movie begins with Stallone, Arnold, Bruce Willis, and CHUCK NORRIS hanging out in their bunker, acting tough.  They are then visited by a mini hologram of Barack Obama, who will give them their mission.

Here's the dialogue...

Stallone: Yo, Mister President, what's this mission all about?  Yo.

Arnold: Yes Mistah President please tell us of the mission.

Obama: Thank you for agreeing to do this mission.  Together we will ALL conquer evil.

CHUCK NORRIS: As the internet knows, I can do ANYTHING.

(That's a part that people are supposed to laugh at.)

Bruce Willis: Yippee Ki Yay Mmmmmmmmmmmmmister President.

(Same.)

Obama: Okay in order to complete this mission I have commissioned some special recruits.

William Shatner (entering): You didn't think I'd miss THIS party, did you?

Arnold: Thank you William Shatnah for joining the mission.

Samuel L. Jackson (entering): Well if this isn't a F***ING G*** bunch of S*** C***LORDS.

Arnold: Please watch your language Samuel L. Jackson but thank you for joining the mission.

Russell Crowe: (entering, with Gladiator sword drawn) Let's just make a few things CLEAR, alright?

Arnold: There is no time to make things cleeah, we have to do our mission.

Stallone: Hey yo, Mr. President, we ain't exactly as young as we USED to be, yo.

Obama: That is why I have commissioned you some extra help.

Jim Belushi (entering): Can we get this party STARTED or WHAT?

Hulk Hogan (entering): These guys are going DOWN, brother.

Mr. T (entering): I ain't gettin' on no plane.

Arnold: Mistah T you don't have to get on the plane, you can ride with me in the tank.

Stallone: Hey yo, anybody else want in on this party?

Chewbacca (entering): RUUUUUrhrGUGUGHRhghghghrRURURUghGHrrrrrr

Arnold: Thank you Chewbahcah for joining the mission.

Mel Gibson: (entering) I'm with you too.

Bruce Willis: No way you are RACIST.

Jim Belushi: Let's GET him!

Then everybody takes out their guns and shoots Mel Gibson until he is dead and you get to see him on the floor all dead and bloody.  (It is just fake Hollywood blood of course.)

Arnold: Okay now that Mel Gibson is dead we can do the mission.

Obama: What's clear about this mission is that it's time for change.  Goodbye and God bless.

The Obama hologram then disappears.

Chewbacca:  RUUUUUrhrGUGUGHRhghghghrRURURUghGHrrrrrr

Arnold: Goodbye Ohbahmah.

Samuel L. Jackson: D***********


That's all I wrote so far but if any movie studio is interested in filming this please e-mail me about how much you're willing to pay and then I will write the rest of it.  I can't write on most weekends though because of community service.

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You should not cheat at games: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted August 15, 2007)

Earlier today I was playing Scrabble and somebody tried to use "thou" as a word.  As in "where art thou?"  Seriously.  That is so OBVIOUSLY against the rules but the IDIOTS I was playing with wouldn't listen to me.  Since I pride myself on my good manners and sportsmanship, I kept playing anyway and was wrongfully defeated.  The whole thing was very upsetting.  I left without offering to help clean up and am now thinking of boycotting the old folks home altogether.

Everywhere I look I see CHEATERS.  Did you know that everybody in baseball has been taking steroids for YEARS?  Also, cyclists.  Can you believe that?  Cheating at CYCLING!  What next, fishing?  I am no longer confident that the Bassmasters Classic is legitimate.  Those guys could be on anything, they don't even test.  a boat is a dangerous place to get roid rage too, and there is a lot of disappointment in competitive fishing that could easily set someone off.

Some other ways in which people are frequently dishonest:

- Lying to POLICE OFFICERS! ("No I haven't been drinking," etc.)

- Eating half a steak in a restaurant and then sending it back

- Tampering with the mail

- Stealing newspapers

- Looking co-workers in the eye and smiling, pretending you don't hate them

- Smashing into other people's cars and driving away

- Pretending not to have been shot during a Civil War re-enactment

- Reading books and magazines without buying them (besides at the library)

- Moving down to better seats at the baseball game or circus

- Faking illness

- Wearing disguises

- Pretending to lose people's phone numbers

- Going to the same house twice on Halloween

- Cleaning your house before someone comes over so they will think it's like that all the time

- Drawing cartoons in which humans and dinosaurs co-exist

- Orgasms


I never had to take a lie-detector test but they seem like fun.  They should make a home version.  That would be so good for solving little crimes around the home or office.  You could bring it into work all like, "Let's find out who embezzled!  Who downloads porn?  Everybody line up."

Keep it in the breakroom so you can still get your work done, you know?


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Giraffes

Everyone is fascinated with the giraffe.  I guess it's mainly the tallness.  Imagine if your neighbor had one and it kept peeking over the fence.  Not sure if I would like that or not.  a chewing giraffe staring at you all the time, all like "Mowing the lawn, eh?"

That is of course ridiculous, because unless you are super-rich and responsible like LeBron James and Lorne Michaels, you would never be able to afford a pet giraffe.  Too bad, since they're so peaceful and quiet.  They would not bark at neighbors like a dog does.  and man, wouldn't THAT be annoying?  Giraffe barking over the fence, "HEY!  HEY I SEE YOU!  COME OVER HERE!  HEY!"

Therefore there are only two places you can usually see a giraffe: Africa and the zoo.  Most people choose the zoo.  It is closer, less expensive, and ice cream cones are more readily available.  If you DO decide to go to Africa to see giraffes, make sure you go to the right part!  Don't carry your bags off the plane in Libya all excited wearing a camera around your neck, an Animal Planet t-shirt, and an "I LOVE GIRAFFES" baseball cap.

Even though they are peaceful animals, male giraffes DO use their necks as weapons, but only when in combat with other giraffes.  They never run up and knock over a stork with their necks just to be jerks.  Giraffes are not bullies.  But they battle each other to establish dominance, and only the dominant males get to mate.

and after the birth, the male giraffe abandons the female, leaving her to raise the kid on her own.  So the whole thing is a lot like high school.

Probably the most famous giraffe of all time is Geoffrey, the Toys R Us mascot.  They keep changing him, though!  Which one was YOUR favorite?

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Summertime = ICE CREAM time: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted August 8, 2007)

If there's one thing people love it's ice cream and if there's one thing people like to eat food out of it's a big dirty truck.  How does any ice cream truck pass a health inspection?  Maybe if the driver sees the health inspector coming he drives away.  The health inspector cannot catch him because he has that sign that says "SLOW/CHILDREN."  Restaurants do not have that (and are immobile except for some gimmick places).

Ice cream trucks are the most reliable source of ice cream besides stores, ice cream parlors, gas stations, carnivals, McDonalds, and a few others.  Usually if you want ice cream you can just go buy it, but some people don't remember that they want it every time.  That's what the ice cream man is for, he fills in the gaps.  It's kind of a unique sales strategy.  Bring a popular product right to the customers instead of waiting for them to come to you.  No one else uses that strategy except for horrible people offering crap that nobody wants.  People will call your house to try to sell you a burglar alarm.  Like you wouldn't remember if you needed that.  "Oh yeah, burglars.  I am getting sick of those, now that you mention it."

The most unpopular product that is sold door-to-door is probably religion.  If you try to do that you are going to make a LOT of people mad and probably fail horribly!  That's why most of the religions that do that are big on forgiveness.  It's like a loophole with their boss.  "You didn't get ANYONE to sign up?  That is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO but that is okay."

No one ever calls or comes to your house to sell you something you might want.  Imagine if a guy came to your door with a pizza and was like, "Hey, you want some pizza?  I noticed it was getting close to dinner time."  You would probably have a pretty decent rate of success doing that, just like the ice cream man.  Don't do it out of a truck, though, there is already too much traffic.

I am guessing that NO ONE in the world still sells encyclopedias door-to-door, what with this so-called "world wide web" and all.  That had to be a complete shit gig, man.

1) Encyclopedias are HEAVY 
2) People bending up the pages, they probably only give you one sample set
3) Nobody wants encyclopedias

Did you have to pass a test like a fireman to get that job?  Firemen need to be hella strong in case there is a fat guy to be carried.  I hope there was a field test where the encyclopedia salesman had to outrun a dog while carrying the big suitcase of books.  Or strap it to his back and swim.


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U.S.A. needs MORE medals!

Not enough, I say.  We have the resources to beat everybody at everything.  How come we can't beat a blind Korean archer?

The other dominant country is China.  They have a billion residents, so the law of averages dictates that they are four times as likely to come up with a top gymnast or sailor.  But still, can't we at least COMPETE at ping pong?  There isn't ANYBODY in America that will entirely devote themselves to it?  Any children reading this should really consider taking it up.  You could be the Michael Phelps of ping pong.  We have an opening.

Another thing we can't seem to dominate is the Olympic marathon.  Damn those Kenyans.  We won it exactly once, in 1972, thanks to this guy:

His name is Frank Shorter.  See how funny that is?  His name is "Shorter" and he won the MARATHON.  You couldn't make UP something funnier than that, even though sometimes I do.

Also I don't HAVE to tell you this but I had to "click" directly on his penis in order to get the text to appear in the right place in Photoshop.  His black shorts were obviously the most workable background.

(I don't have to tell you this either but I do not pay for Photoshop.  Shhhhhhhhh.)

There is a women's marathon too, which we ALSO won exactly once, but it was the first time it was held and it happened IN America so I suspect cheating.  Joan Benoit get out of here with your paper medal.  You're no Frank Shorter.  I Know What You Did That Summer.

Back to China, I wonder if they would ever consider making BEER pong an Olympic event.  WHO WOULD WIN?  The world deserves to know.  and imagine the endorsements.  The Big Black Miller High Life Man could be there for guest commentary.

"China?  If there's ten people in your bed, and you eat with sticks, you ain't living the High Life."


(I did not have to click on the penis that time.)


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Why does Calvin always pee on stuff: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted August 2, 2007)

I always see signs and mudflaps and crappy homemade t-shirts where he is peeing on things.  When did he become known for that?  I can't imagine it was the original artist that started it.  I don't remember Calvin ever peeing on stuff in the comic strips.  So how did that come to be the thing that he is best known for?  CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN?

I can't draw too well but I have been practicing because I want to draw custom strips where bad things happen to the comic characters that I hate.  (Cathy getting hit by a car, Hagar the Horrible buried alive, etc.)

Is anyone in the world a bigger asshole than Garfield?  and why does he hate Mondays so much?  He is unemployed.  You just know that some idiot person that likes Garfield a lot has tried to get their cat to eat lasagna.  Secretly, when no one else was around.  I bet they were very disappointed to have to throw the whole pan away after the cat just licked it a bunch of times.

What was Dagwood like at the dinner table?  Did he eat quantities of everything in proportion to his sandwiches?  Like a whole bucket of mashed potatoes?  Dagwood could never order a sandwich in a restaurant, they wouldn't make it right.  "Waitress, this sandwich is not three feet tall like I asked for.  Also I said to put the peanut butter on TOP of the salami!  I can't eat this the way it is."

The guy that draws Family Circus is probably gonna die soon.  But DON'T PANIC!  He is forcing his son to keep the strip going after his death.  So I basically figure that means the son is in charge of killing his father off in the comic strip.  Man, talk about pressure.  I don't know how he's gonna do it, but I hope it's one of those single-panel strips where the protagonist wanders around with a dotted line tracking him.  Except at some point in the middle a cement truck would fall on him or something and there'd be a big skull and crossbones signifying that he has been officially killed.

Also that kid will have the added pressure of drawing his mom and deciding how big or small to make her boobs and butt.  That's gotta be a thing that's impossible to ever get exactly right.


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