U.S.A. needs MORE medals!

Not enough, I say.  We have the resources to beat everybody at everything.  How come we can't beat a blind Korean archer?

The other dominant country is China.  They have a billion residents, so the law of averages dictates that they are four times as likely to come up with a top gymnast or sailor.  But still, can't we at least COMPETE at ping pong?  There isn't ANYBODY in America that will entirely devote themselves to it?  Any children reading this should really consider taking it up.  You could be the Michael Phelps of ping pong.  We have an opening.

Another thing we can't seem to dominate is the Olympic marathon.  Damn those Kenyans.  We won it exactly once, in 1972, thanks to this guy:

His name is Frank Shorter.  See how funny that is?  His name is "Shorter" and he won the MARATHON.  You couldn't make UP something funnier than that, even though sometimes I do.

Also I don't HAVE to tell you this but I had to "click" directly on his penis in order to get the text to appear in the right place in Photoshop.  His black shorts were obviously the most workable background.

(I don't have to tell you this either but I do not pay for Photoshop.  Shhhhhhhhh.)

There is a women's marathon too, which we ALSO won exactly once, but it was the first time it was held and it happened IN America so I suspect cheating.  Joan Benoit get out of here with your paper medal.  You're no Frank Shorter.  I Know What You Did That Summer.

Back to China, I wonder if they would ever consider making BEER pong an Olympic event.  WHO WOULD WIN?  The world deserves to know.  and imagine the endorsements.  The Big Black Miller High Life Man could be there for guest commentary.

"China?  If there's ten people in your bed, and you eat with sticks, you ain't living the High Life."


(I did not have to click on the penis that time.)


Click HERE.