2011 Year in Review

Well wasn't THAT something?

Just when you thought the Earth could not get more ridiculous, along came 2011. The year of Twitter. The year KFC added bacon to its Famous Bowl. The year of Adele.

The main guy in 2011 was Charlie Sheen. He began the year as the most popular person on television, but got fired for bad crimes like DRUG ABUSE and sending hurtful Tweets. This only intensified America's love for him (the jobless rate has been sky high so I guess there was a lot of sympathy) and his infamous "Winning" quote has become the #1 catchphrase. Losers everywhere love to say "Winning." It is a delicious blend of sarcasm and irony.

Meanwhile, on the "Losing" front, the big trend in 2011 was to "occupy." Big business and the government finally went too far, and honest, downtrodden citizens could TAKE NO MORE. The result was REBELLION.






Peaceful resistance was all over the news. and the government's response? "We get it! You're mad!" So nothing changed, and most of the occupants have gone home by now. Sometimes it's just nice to be listened to. Like when people audition for "American Idol" even though they know they have no chance. William Hung had his 15 minutes, and now so have the 99%.

Amongst the dead in 2011? Moammar Gadhafi, OSAMA BIN LADEN, and Amy Winehouse. So it washed out to be a pretty good year for that.

and of course, who can forget the ROYAL WEDDING? Besides all men, that is. That's okay, though. Ladies deserve something to look forward to now and then. Men get a Superbowl and income tax refund EVERY year. Things like Royal Weddings and Michael Buble only happen once in awhile.





What kind of year did Whitney Houston have? Well, you haven't heard that name in awhile, have you? So pretty good! Can't say the same for YOU, Hank Williams Jr.

and once again, it was a really bad year for newborn baby names. At least for boys.

"Aiden."

"Jayden."

"Caden."

"Brayden."

Girl names have stayed basically okay, just heavy on the vowels.


There was not much political news in 2011. Relatively, I mean. Clinton and Bush and other past maniacs have set the bar pretty high at this point. Plus we're going INTO an election year so people have been laying pretty low. Don't want to show your hand too soon.

In 2012, however, the lunatics will be all-in. and in the TWITTER age, mind you. Things are gonna get real insane real fast. Never had this kind of technology during a campaign before. Imagine if we did.

Lloyd Bentsen @Bentsen4VP

@QuayleMale88 u r no jack kennedy


***fUtUrE fLaSh***

The winner of the 2052 Presidential Election will be named Aiden Brayden Clinton. "ABC" for short.


Goodbye 2011! We will not forget you.

Christmas is different everywhere

In Japan, children receive their Christmas presents from the Buddhist monk Hotei-osho. Hotei-osho literally has eyes in the back of his head. That may sound terrifying, but Japanese people are used to being frightened. No cookies are left for Hotei-osho, but he leaves the presents anyway and does not complain.

In Italy, the presents are delivered by an ugly witch named Befana. She flies around on her broom looking for Baby Jesus because she was late on the day he was born and didn't get to see him. Befana leaves presents at the homes of children in case Baby Jesus is there. (I guess she still didn't hear about all the shit that went down.) In the cases of some lucky children, Befana believes that Baby Jesus would like an X-Box 360.

In Russia, Christmas is being phased out and replaced by the "Festival of Winter." Russia is the most fun place in the world.

Christmas in Finland is the usual sort of thing, but with an emphasis on cleanliness. They clean the whole house, then everybody takes a long steam bath, and then they eat a boiled codfish. and the Christmas presents are hand-delivered by Santa Claus personally. (Must be the reason for all the cleaning!) They call him Joulupukki. It means "Yule Goat."

In the Netherlands, children get a special visit from "Sinterklaas," who rides a flying horse. They are told that Sinterklaas has come all the way from Spain (WHY?) to question them about their behavior. If the children have been good, they are rewarded with gifts. Sinterklaas used to carry a birch rod to administer beatings to children that had an off year, but that part has now been eliminated from the routine.

In Spain, children get their presents directly from the Three Wise Men, but have to wait until January 6. They also honor and celebrate the awesomeness of COWS. This is because it is believed that a cow breathed on Baby Jesus to keep him warm/alive. Don't even think about trying to eat a hamburger in Spain on Christmas.

Swedish children get their presents from a magic Christmas gnome that rides a straw goat and lives under the floorboards of the house. It is a glorious day, to make up for 364 nights of terror worrying about the goat-riding gnome under the house.

In Denmark there is a mischievous elf called "Nisse" that lives in the lofts of old farmhouses. He emerges on Christmas Eve for a night of pranks and mayhem. The family leaves out a bowl of porridge in hopes that it will appease Nisse and keep the damage to a minimum. Bowl of porridge = shoelaces tied together. No bowl of porridge = sound of a chainsaw starting up in the barn.

In Iceland, there is no television broadcast between 5 and 10pm on Christmas Eve. They do not get 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" like in America. a week later, on New Year's Eve, things get even wilder. It is a magical night during which seals take the shape of humans, the dead rise from their graves, and cows are able to SPEAK! "Happy MOOOOOOOOOOOO Year!"

Christmas in Australia is awesome. Australia is down in the southern hemisphere, meaning that at Christmas time, temperatures typically approach 100 degrees! Everyone goes to the beach for a big picnic. They drink and swim and play cricket. It's like the 4th of July and Christmas combined! Turkey dinner with plum pudding, followed by fireworks. I don't know Santa's typical route but if I were him I would make Australia my last stop. Land my sleigh right on the sand and let all the reindeer take a dip. (*Watch out for sharks, though!)

Merry Christmas and Happy Other Holidays to everyone.

All the news from around the world

Whew! There sure have been a lot of WORLD EVENTS happening lately, but amidst the hustle and bustle of holiday shopping and week after week of exciting Tim Tebow football play, most if not all of them have probably escaped your notice. So here I am to fill you in on what's been going on.


1) The Iraq War is OVER

This was a particularly easy one to miss since no differences have become apparent yet. But Obama says it's over (cue the re-election campaign!) so that makes it official. The announcement fell pretty flat. It was sort of like when the Geico Caveman rushed onto the balcony exclaiming "Tina's here! We're getting back together!" Sure it's good news, but pretty awkward timing there, Barack. JUST NOW IT'S SUDDENLY OVER? OKAY I GUESS! HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS MR. PRESIDENT!

2) Kim Jong-Il has died

I think most people probably heard about this, but I'm sure a lot of you were too embarrassed to ask "Who was Kim Jong-Il?" Well, you might be surprised to learn that there are NON-arab nations that hate America TOO. Others include Pakistan, Cuba, FRANCE, Russia, China, half of Africa, and Canada. But I daresay none of those hateful places have been more of a butt pain in recent years than North Korea. and Kim Jong-Il WAS their leader. He seemed to really want to fire a nuclear missile at us, but I guess he missed his chance. Will relations improve now? Probably not! North Korea is not the kind of place that has radical U.S.A. type elections. "We're sick of this dumb war criminal Texan. We want a HAPPY guy that says everything is going be different now!" "Hey wait, everything still sucks! Let's maybe try someone named MITT or NEWT! That'll change things up." Instead they just have a carbon copy of the same person waiting to step into place. Just like Charlie's Angels!

(No offense to Vietnam, who also hate us.)

3) Europe is going broke

Most of Europe recognizes the "euro" as official currency. 17 different nations sharing one currency. What could go wrong? I mean France and Germany have always gotten along, right? Here's what has happened, in a metaphoric nutshell. 17 co-workers who either like, dislike, or hardly know each other decided to go to Ruby Tuesday for drinks and appetizers after work. Once they got there, they found out that Ruby Tuesday won't write up separate checks for each person at the table. But who cares? Gonna be real fun, you know? "Just keep track of everything you order, and everything will be fine!" Everyone has a great time! Then the bill comes. Austria and the Netherlands had shared some spinach artichoke dip, and now both suddenly forgot how to do math. Spain can't remember "exactly" what it ordered to drink. Greece forgot to bring any money, but says it'll pay SOMEBODY back on Monday. At least five nations ordered wings, but there is confusion as to which ones. People were sharing. Italy has already left. Everybody is looking at everybody else either feigning confusion or with growing impatience. The bill is about one trillion euros. Germany finally has had enough. "Alright guys, we need to figure this out. I've got KIDS to get home to!" Ireland, hands in empty pockets, can only look longingly towards the exit. Ashamed.


So there you have it. I hope this blog has made you more interested in keeping up with world events. If you would like to do so you can follow Jon Stewart on Twitter. I don't know his handle but it's probably something like @JonStewart69 or @UnbiasedJon. Good luck!

Holiday car commercials

First of all if you get a car for Christmas, F YOU.

Notice it's always young people. "I am 34 and decided my wife might like a Lexus for Christmas. The kids are each getting their own 48" flat screens. That way they won't have to share. No fights!"

Is the woman in this relationship allowed to make any decisions? Who takes $79,000 out of the bank and doesn't tell their spouse? Next year she should surprise HIM. Stop taking her birth control. Imagine that scene.

They meet under the mistletoe in the wee hours of Christmas morning...

Husband: I know it's early but I couldn't wait.

Wife: I couldn't wait either!

Husband: You know, I think I love you more and more every Christmas.

Wife: I know, that's why I decided to get you something EXTRA special.

She hands him a small, gift-wrapped box, and inside is a pacifier.

Husband: It's...beautiful...?

Wife: Not as beautiful as our new baby boy is going to be. I'm thinking Joshua, for the name.

Husband: That's...wonderful...... I mean I circled that new set of clubs in Golf Digest and left it on the coffee table. Did you not see that?

Wife: Merry Christmas, sweetheart. By the way the Lexus has a ding in it.


Also get out of here with these commercials where Santa Claus is endorsing cars. He would not do that, he doesn't even drive. He has a magic sleigh.

There should be a commercial in which Santa is driving in his car with a bunch of presents in the back seat. He would be speeding down a dark country road, looking at his watch all like "Oh man, got to get these delivered!"

Then a reindeer steps into the road and Santa Claus goes "AUGHAUGHAUGHAUGHAUGHAUGHA!" and hits the brakes, but the car slides, and the scene pauses just before impact.

Then a deep-voiced man says, "This wouldn't happen.........if Santa drove a Mercedes."


I would also like to see one of those commercials where the kid sneaks into the house early in the morning and wakes everybody up by making Folgers coffee. His parents are of course awakened by the aroma, and they rush down to hug him all like "PETER, YOU'RE HOME!"

Then he asks "So why is there a car in the driveway with a giant bow on it?" The father rolls his eyes and says "It was supposed to be a SURPRISE you DICK."

tHe BeSt PaRt Of WaKinG uP...

Dad all sulking at the kitchen table drinking coffee, takes the music box out of his pocket and just throws it.

...iS fOlGeRs In YoUr CuP!


Do people ever get crappy used cars as Christmas gifts? Like a teenager that just got his license? That would actually be sort of heartwarming. Dad hands him a little music box and he's like "What's THIS?" and then he opens it and it plays the "Crazy Bout a Ford Truck" song. The kid looks out the window and sees a 1995 Ford Ranger in the driveway with "MERRY CHRISTMAS" written on the windshield and starts screaming and jumping around going nuts.

Little sister all jealous because "all" she got was an i-pod, kid wants everybody to pile in the back so he can drive them to CHURCH.

I paint a pretty picture sometimes, no?

Fonzie

Okay gang it is time to talk about Fonzie.

First of all, wtf? How did a show about Opie living in the 50s become a cultural phenomenon where Fonzie was hanging out with Mork from Ork? and why were Laverne and Shirley there as "good time gals" (whores)? Most of these questions will be addressed in or after this blog.

It is IMPORTANT to say that, inconsistent with other JERKS like Hulk Hogan and Ted Danson, the Fonz (real name HENRY FRANKLIN WINKLER) is as nice and cool in real life as he is on television. Everybody loves him all the time. and not in that stupid "I'm an angel" way. In real life, he loves sports and swears a lot. Like real men do. I do not know if he can ride a motorcycle REALLY. I tried to call the Smithsonian to find out but they apparently aren't open on weekends.

Fonzie merchandise is not as readily available as it should be. Is there a pull-string doll that goes "aayyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" Even better would be a Tickle-Me-Fonzie doll that would, instead of giggling, go "WHOA WHOA WHOA!"

Some of you people using the internet are very young. You may be hesitant to believe that there was once a "Happy Days in Outer Space" cartoon, but that is a thing that really happened.





It was some of the characters from Happy Days having adventures in outer space. Potsie and Mr. Cunningham were not included. WHY?

Another thing about the Fonzie TV character is that his CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT was graduating high school. EVENTUALLY, when he got older. Very good role model. Meanwhile stupid Richie had to join the army and grow a mustache.

Some Fonzie fan-fiction ideas:

1) He makes friends with Urkel, but then there is a rift.

2) He punches a jukebox that is unplugged. Not sure if it should STILL start up or NOT.

3) He acknowledges having penetrated a woman without using innuendo.


"If Fonzie had to arm-wrestle Superman, he would somehow win." -Unknown


Here is Fonzie with his friend Lenny:

How come nobody gets shot at Target?

(Shot/Target ha ha get it?)

BUT SERIOUSLY FOLKS...

Why is every holiday shooting, trampling, and/or pepper-spraying always at actual Wal-mart itself? Do hostile poor people just really really love going there, specifically? I have seen low-brow hotheads in other places. Why does nobody get stabbed at Denny's? How come there's no violence at the Home Depot? They sell a lot of weapons there.

Wal-mart is in denial. They have neither accepted nor acknowledged that holiday shopping violence is their "thing." But everyone knows this to be true. There are youtubes.

I feel bad for the Wal-mart staff. Not only is there a good chance that their lives suck in general but they also are made to work at 3am the morning after a holiday, and then when they show up they get shot at and trampled. Do they still have the elderly greeter person at the door when the crowd rushes in the second they open? If that person pretends to take any pride in their work WHATSOEVER that is the exact time to put-up or shut-up. Greet EVERY SINGLE PERSON as they are trampling their way past you. You cannot accept your paycheck with a clear conscience unless you can do so.

Most of the violence seems to occur in "electronics." It's fighting over X-Box and Playstation and phones. Call me old-fashioned but I miss the good old days when holiday shoppers would beat each other to death in the toy department. There's a lot more room for creative license in the toy department, there's so much cool stuff around. Imagine cracking someone right on top of their head with one of those Fisher Price corn pop push toys.

Imagine whipping a Nerf ball into someone's face. "Ha ha, that didn't hurt." Then you mace them.

Disclaimer: DON'T BE VIOLENT.

All kidding aside, this "Black Friday" thing has RUINED Thanksgiving. Christopher Columbus would not approve. So how do we fix it? Well here's an idea: Make everybody go to work! Employers everywhere can stick it to Big Retail by showing that THEY can be greedy TOO. No more getting the day after Thanksgiving off. Take Halloween off instead since THAT'S the day everybody LOVES.

In fact Halloween should be the new super nutjob shopping/shooting/trampling day. Just combine all the idiocy into one big looney fest. Bunch of retards in Dracula and Batman costumes choking and punching each other to nab a $15 DVD player. Old man at Wal-mart passing out candy at the door, someone dressed as Captain America pepper-sprays him and runs off with the candy, police are busy putting handcuffs on a MUMMY, would be bliss.

Arts and Crafts

Heyyyyy kids, time for the arts and crafts blog.

You can eat paste, of course, and Play-Doh and I think you can even eat crayons. But you can't eat rubber cement. EVEN THOUGH rubber cement would TOTALLY make an excellent-looking glaze for shrimp or pork. Imagine a ham brushed with rubber cement. Yum. But don't do that, you'll be killed.

I miss WATERCOLORS. Need to buy some of those. I think as an adult I might be able to keep them from running together. I would buy a different brush for each color. No more diligently washing and squeezing out the brush after using the black. IT DOESN'T WORK. Soon the yellow is black, the orange is black, the white is black, ENOUGH. Eight colors, eight brushes. Problem solved.

Some people like to build houses out of popsicle sticks. That is one case where I think arson would be sort of funny. Somebody wakes up in the morning and sees that their popsicle stick house has burned down. "What the HELL?"

The arsonist is at the kitchen table, sucking on a popsicle ominously. "Bad wiring...I guess." *slurp*

You can also make stuff out of macaroni and pine cones. I have a briefcase full of macaroni and pine cones that I always take to the airport with me. You should see their faces when they make me open it. Not as good as the faces they make when I hand them homemade macaroni and pine cone CRAFTS after my RETURNING flight. "My trip was productive."

Another thing I like is gluing autumn leaves to construction paper. Very pretty. Try it at work if you need to hand-deliver a document to somebody.

"You are FIRED."


Origami is a neat little hobby. I think kids should learn it at a young age so they can throw better things than paper airplanes while at school. Teacher all mad "WHO THREW A PAPER SWAN AT ME?" "Martin Anthony Lombardi did you just assault me with a PTERODACTYL?"

Glitter adds a nice touch to almost any project. Paintings, sculptures, anything. Wouldn't the Venus De Milo look great with glitter all over her body? Men would throw singles at her, the museum would get so many donations. "Oh YEAH baby you don't NEED no arms, you KNOW what I mean!"

Again, don't do that, you'll be killed.

HAIR

Whether you are a man or a nice lady, everyone has to decide how to style their hair. Men have it sort of easy. Just cut it real short and you will get nice compliments from grandmothers and strict army guys. The downside is that sometimes it gets TOO short though and starts to fall out. So then there's this trick where you shave it ALL off. Nobody wants to walk around looking like Captain Stubing from Love Boat.





So instead you just go totally bald and pretend like you did it on purpose. You will have to endure some very cruel Uncle Fester jokes and taunts but otherwise people will mostly leave you alone.

VERY alone.

Meanwhile ladies have all kinds of decisions to make. All kinds of lengths and colors and bang choices (!) and sprays and smells and highlights. Woo boy!

They get either real mad or real happy about each other's hair. "Look at that BITCH she should NOT be walking around like that. Does she think she's one of the JUDDS?" "Oh look at that nice simple short hair-do, that woman deserves a good man that will never look at other ladies and one that can afford to take her places on a PLANE."

Some men think they are allowed to make "choices" too. No.

Don't walk out of the house with a pony-tail. What are you DOING? Don't you want to be taken SERIOUSLY? There must be some thrill in looking like you COULD be sent to jail at some point that very day. Otherwise what is the point? "I just wanted to make sure no one would mistake me for a doctor."

Imagine getting pulled over by a cop and you have an AFRO. "I am not up to anything, officer. I just happen to have this huge afro. I don't hang out in bad places. Look, I have a Chris Isaak CD. That's proof."


More bad hair:

- Bowl cuts

- Pigtails

- Combovers

- Buns

- Flat tops

- The Charles Bronson

- Puffy priest head

- Greasy grunge

- Rat tails

- Flock of Seagulls

- "I have hair all over my head except for this exact spot the size of a quarter"

- The Rob Schneider

- Really curly blonde guy

- All old lady hair

- The Unicorn


How did Jesus get haircuts? That part was left out of the Bible. I mean it didn't seem like he got one too OFTEN, but you know. a lot of people knew that Jesus was Jesus. If you were thinking at the time, maybe sweep the barber shop floor and save his hair in a bag? You could sell it later at a charity auction or use it as a door prize at a stag.

I am writing a new chapter of the Bible (FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY, DON'T GET MAD) called "The Last Haircut." It's mainly Jesus talking to his apostles while he gets his hair cut.

Matthew: Jesus do you have words to share today?

Jesus: Yes, love thy brothers and thy brothers will love thou.

Matthew: True dat.

Luke: Mmmm-hmmm.

John: Tell it.

The Barber: Word.

I am ready to take over for Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney is DEAD.

I think I can fill the void. Here is my audition:

1) What ever happened to LICKING stamps? Maybe if we weren't talking on our cellular phones so much our BIG MOUTHS would have more time for LITTLE THINGS. and what are we going to stop licking next? Lollipops? I don't like where any of this is going.

2) Why do we need computers? They waste electricity and make startling noises. I saw a man typing on a "lap top" style computer while eating his breakfast at Denny's. I don't understand. What was so important that he had to share it with the inter net before he finished his breakfast? Ironically, it was probably, "My eggs are getting cold."

3) Why are the young ladies of today so proud to have large rear ends? I don't understand. Years ago, there were diet pills for such conditions. But now it's something to be celebrated? I don't understand. The same girls we are counting on to grow up to be our nurses and teachers could not be prouder of their oversized, as they call them, "booties." Maybe it's time to tune out of Music Television and tune into the REAL "Real World."

4) Why are pickles so hard to open? You twist and twist and run out of breath, ultimately forced to submit to that delicious Kosher spear taunting you from the other side of the glass. I don't get it. Are pickles bad for me? Is this for my protection? My medication has a safety cap, but I can open that in two seconds. Are there special instructions I'm not aware of? I guess pickles, like tax cuts, are something people like me weren't meant to have.

5) When is this Bart Simpson person going to be taken off the air? Not to have a "cow," but I don't understand. Shouldn't he have grown up by now? I realize, Bart, that you are not a real person. You are merely an animated, calculated, fabricated role model for today's youth. However, if in some fantastical scenario you and I were ever to cross paths, I would like to ask you one question. I know who *I* am, Bart. Who the hell are YOU?

6) Is there one person left under the age of 40 that doesn't have something implanted in their face? Can't you buy a movie ticket or a quart of milk without being FRIGHTENED anymore? I saw a young man serving coffee and counted no less than seven objects "decorating" his visage. Walt Disney World does not allow the man that carries your bags to sport even a mustache, yet some establishments entrust ladies with (presumed) ornaments dangling from their netherbits to serve you an egg salad sandwich? No thanks. I'll stick with Mickey and Donald, and comfortably regard the rest of you as "Goofy."

Okay, there ya go. Anyone reading this that works for 60 Minutes or even a rival newsmagazine can e-mail me. (I can't work weekends, though.)

Halloween costumes

So here it is! The day that kids and idiots everywhere have been waiting for. Hall-o-ween. Got your costume ready? No? Well here are some tips.

If you are an adult man, SIMPLE IS GOOD. Be a vampire. You need fangs and a cape. Everyone will know "what you are." Wrap yourself in bandages and be a mummy. Eyepatch, you're a pirate. Bathrobe and pointy homemade white hat, you're the POPE. Not hard.

That being said, you have to put in SOME effort. No putting on your softball uniform and being "a baseball player." No being a "UPS guy" if you really are a UPS guy. No bringing your orange vest and shotgun to the party and saying "I'm a hunter!"

Now if you're a woman, dressing up is a bit more complicated. (Isn't it always?) You can pick something sweet, or even something scary, but either way you are expected to bring the sexy. a lady vampire showing a gratuitous amount of cleavage is a good one. Or Little Bo Peep in whore makeup. It is Halloween tradition to look as slutty as possible while eating pumpkin cookies.

and of course there are people of both genders that try to come up with a costume that's either, like, "conceptual" or else way too ambitious. These costumes can be GREAT if you have the means to pull them off right. Otherwise, DISASTER. If you are supposed to be the Geico Gecko you better make DAMN sure you look like him. If people are coming up to you asking "What are you supposed to be? Kermit the Frog?" then you have made a serious costuming blunder and need to leave the party. Or if you just make yourself up like a dead person and carry around a Mac saying "I'm Steve Jobs! Get it?" Yeah we get it, now get out.

Anyway Halloween is best left to CHILDREN in the first place. Kids get to be whatever they want. It is an important decision. They begin planning their ensemble sometime over the summer. "I think I'm gonna be a Ninja Turtle." Bold choice, not too many kids pick that anymore. Now it's up to mom to get the costume ready. Money is spent. Finishing touches are added. October 31st comes, and the child rushes in after school, can't wait to get Turtled up. Mom says "Don't put that on yet, you have to eat dinner first, get over here and eat some ravioli." Finally it's dusk, time to TRICK-OR-TREAT. Costume goes on, looks perfect, and then mom says "You need to wear a winter coat and hat and gloves, it's freezing out."

So now there's a Ninja Turtle and a Batman and a vampire and a ballerina all walking up and down the street with winter coats on. It's hard to look "cool" on Halloween. Superman would not wear earmuffs and carry a plastic bag. He also wouldn't have his mother walking the streets with him. So the whole thing is compromised! There should be one day for the costumes and another day for the candy begging. Otherwise it just doesn't work out. How did those two traditions get combined in the first place? There should be SEPARATION of CHURCH and STATE like happens with Santa Claus.

Occupy Wall Street

Hey! There's this new thing you can do where if you don't like rich people you can go OCCUPY a space near the rich people. It's like a combination of 1960s sit-in protests and NFL tailgating.

The main current protest is on Wall Street. At the park. I didn't know Wall Street had a park until now. Does it have a playground, petting zoo, anything good? a FOUNTAIN? People could throw pennies in there. For Wall Street to KEEP. Ha! Take THAT!

The protests are now WORLD-WIDE. Including at least 600 U.S. communities. Really. 600. Can you even name 600 towns within the United States?

"Occupy Hutchinson, Kansas! We are sick of all the bullshit! Meet in the Dairy Queen parking lot! No tents."

"Occupy Nome, Alaska. It's basically what we're doing already!"

Now the obvious question. Where are all of these people URINATING? Especially the girls. Must be delicious irony when they manage to locate a public restroom and the sign says "Occupied."

What do the protesters want? Regulation of CAPITALISM! Just in time for the holiday season! So it's like the opposite of Black Friday. Instead of conglomerating at Wal-mart at 3am to spend, spend, SPEND as soon as the doors open, they just gather at the park and demand to be given stuff. In fact a good P.R. stunt for Wal-mart would be to send a Santa Claus to Wall Street with a big sack of money and just start handing it out to the protesters. "We at Wal-mart support your cause and stand with the 99%!" The Santa Claus, and many of the protesters, would of course be trampled to death but there's no such thing as bad publicity. The Dairy Queen in Hutchinson, Kansas could maybe start giving away free Blizzards! Which again would of course result in deadly tramplings.

In fact once the weather turns cold, and our U.S. parks are so soiled and ruined that nobody can use them anymore, the protesters should move on and OCCUPY the MALL. Just hang out and be in the way to slow down commerce. It's legal, old people do it every morning. They call it "mall-walking." Buy one cup of coffee and you're set, nobody can kick you out. Stand in the hugely long line at the Disney Store and then just don't buy anything. Fill a whole shopping cart with blu-rays at Best Buy and then just choose not to buy them. THAT will make a POINT about capitalist GREED.

Plus, nothing better to do, eh?

The evolution of HIPSTERS

So there sure are a lot of "hipsters" around these days. If you are not familiar with hipsters, or where they came from, this educational blog will explain it to you (I got a grant for this).

Hipsters are, like, these nerds with faux self-esteem. Years ago nerds used to be lonely. People would point and laugh at them. "You have no friends." They soon hypothesized that they could incorporate math and logic to disprove these taunts, so they started gathering in groups. "There, now no one can say that we have no friends. We outsmarted them, because we are smart." But it did not work. The taunting was just updated to "What a big bunch of geeks." Hmmm. Disappointing, but still fascinating, to the mind of the nerd.

They then realized that being solitary was not the issue. Darth Vader had no friends, but nobody made fun of HIM. So what was it? Since they were now gathered in groups, they could explore the common themes. Smart, into books, ill-fitting clothes, bad at sports...WAIT a minute...we are a STEREOTYPE!

So they began to change it up. Instead of two guys wearing glasses and suspenders, ONE guy wears glasses and grows a Fu-Man mustache, and the other wears suspenders with a BOWLER hat. If he really has poor eyesight, he just wears contacts. The guy that gave up his suspenders just lets his pants hang low.

Then they all started drinking a lot of coffee. Not like at Dunkin' Donuts where a bully or auto mechanic might see them, but at these little hole-in-the-wall independent cafes where they could safely gather in greater and greater numbers. Next thing you knew they were no longer ANTI-social, because they had CREATED a SOCIETY.

Interests in elitist subculture would now go unpenalized. Being smart would not only be permitted, but ENCOURAGED. and what PARTIES they would have, drinking ironic beers with only the boniest of women.

Everyone ELSE was an outsider now. Confidence swelled. Feeling empowered, they began to amuse each other by ridiculing the outside world. "Some people haven't even HEARD of Peter, Bjorn, and John!" "I quoted Garden State at the dinner table and my dad totally didn't get it."

Eventually the movement became too prominent not to be noticed. Modern nerds were all over, smoking cigarettes in front of book stores. Confrontation was inevitable. But what would be said? "Big bunch of geeks?" These were not geeks, these were super-smug smarty-pantses!

So I'm not sure where slang terms exactly come from, but I guess at some point someone complained, "You think you're so hip, DON'T you? You.....HIPSTER."

"Hipster" had previously been an insult hurled at creative types in the 1940s, so maybe it was an old person who brought it back. Old people are lame so they sometimes get sensitive and lash out when they're around regular people.

Some more things about hipsters are that they shop at Goodwill, use drugs, are mainly vegetarian but do not eat actual vegetables, don't exercise, are unmarried, know everything, and are jobless.

Feminism

It ain't too easy to become an actual FEMINIST. You got to get the estrogen/complaining ratio exactly right. Otherwise you just get called the b word and stuff.

a good first step is picking an important cause. You have to be careful about that, make sure it's actually important. If you live in a country where women are not allowed to vote, that's a good one. But like, if you are mad because people say "manhole" instead of "person hole," NO! That won't rally very much support. Ladies don't like going in those.

and don't picket outside the Manwich headquarters either with some dumb sign like "Equalitywich" or "We Have Appetites Too!" The Manwich people have been through enough.

Another thing you should do is have strong opinions in regards to Presidential wives. "Mary Todd Lincoln overcame significant struggles in her rise to prominence and should be talked about more at SCHOOL." "Lou Henry Hoover was WHORE TRASH."

Are men allowed to be feminists? Surprisingly YES! You see it's all about gender equality, not ladies just wanting a bigger piece of the pie. So where do you go to sign up? I don't know yet. I tried asking some ladies but they wouldn't tell me where the meetings were, and then I was asked to leave the mall.

What will be the next big achievement for feminists? (It's easy to guess if you think about it for a minute. So please do so and then scroll down to see if you are right.)

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You guessed it! a lady will become PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES! Or possibly an NFL kicker. Either way, it will be a historic achievement! There will be huge gatherings in the STREETS. Hugging, dancing, secret light use of marijuana, etc. Then two weeks later everybody will be screaming at the lady about oil and taxes. and the crucial extra point she missed.

Who is STILL going to the movies?

It's 2011. How can movie theaters still be doing big business? Stay home! There's Facebook and Playstation now.

Going to the movies costs about $9. It costs $18 if you bring a date. Then there's popcorn, drinks, bathroom fees, etc. So what, like $40 altogether? Do you need to see Dolphin Tale THAT MUCH?

150 people in the theater. and you have to trust all of them to behave. It only takes one idiot to yell out "I've seen this before! The dolphin has a baby at the end!" and everybody's night is ruined. and of course there's plenty of talking, texting, ringtones going off, hiccuping, wheezing, and sex.

Oh and of course EATING.

Explain this routine to me. Fat kid gets to his seat, loaded up with nachos, hot dog, 64oz cola, Jujyfruits, and popcorn. Then the Coming Attractions begin, and last about 35 minutes. He sits there with this tray of junk on his lap throughout all of it. Doesn't touch it. Then the actual MOVIE starts, and it's time to dig in! Exactly one second into the film he swallows half a hot dog, has torn open the Jujyfruits, and still found time to get nacho cheese on his face. HOW DOES ACTIVELY EATING HELP YOU ENJOY THE MOVIE? and vice-versa. "I can't fully enjoy a slice of movie pizza unless I'm LOOKING at George Clooney."

Then when the movie ends, everybody has to leave all at once. 150 people filing out, and guess who's the leader of the pack? The slowest guy ever. Takes a step, rests a bit, takes a step, rests a bit, takes a step, looks over his shoulder to see if anything good is happening within the credits, rests a bit, etc.

So you would THINK that everybody would be sick of this by now, but nope. They're still packing 'em in to see Stepbrothers 2. The world has gone MOBILE. Movie theaters are STATIONARY. It doesn't make any sense!

I am gonna personally sneak into a crowded movie and yell "FIRE!" in the theater. That is sure to induce panic. The slow guy will be TRAMPLED.

Soon you'll have a new phone app that will sort of "tweet" movies to you one scene at a time. You'll be able to watch an entire major studio release bit by bit at your convenience, throughout the day. You watch the beginning in the morning while on the subway, the middle while goofing off at work (I know what you do), and the end on the way home. Then your Saturday night is free! We'll all have a big bonfire and talk about the movie.


New desktop wallpaper:

Dancing With the Stars

I heard about this new TV show called "Dancing With the Stars." What a great concept! You recruit a bunch of famous people and teach them how to dance on television. Who wouldn't love seeing Harrison Ford boogie down disco style, or Britney Spears being taught to do the limbo?

Instant ratings hit right there. Someone at ABC must be a GENIUS. Sponsors so pleased, potato chip sales going through the roof, etc.

BUT!

There was apparently this problem where nobody currently employed in the entertainment business wanted to dance on television. Therefore the "stars" in the current lineup include...

- Someone named "J.R. Martinez"

- One of the MALE Kardashians

- Courtney Cox's ex-husband

- a lady soccer player

- 1/3 of 90s group Wilson Phillips

- Kristin Cavallari of reality television FAME

- Sonny and Cher's transgendered offspring

...and the rest, whoever they are. The actual most famous of the whole bunch is Ricki Lake. You know, THAT Ricki Lake. She's BACK, man! NBA brawler Ron Artest was already eliminated, before he had a chance to start even one fight with the audience.

These people clearly want the spotlight back, and could probably all use a decent paycheck. So even though getting actual CELEBRITIES to dance on the show didn't work out, I think the concept can still be salvaged!

First of all, why does it have to be limited to a dancing competition? I say repackage the show as "Going Out With the Stars." The interactions between "star" and "instructor" would take place over three stages.

1) Dinner

2) Dancing

3) Who Knows?

Over dinner, it's the CELEBRITY who has the advantage. Who wouldn't feel intimidated out on a date with NANCY GRACE? With the WHOLE WORLD WATCHING?

Then it's time for the dancing, and the pendulum swings the other way. The instructor, while playfully encouraging, dances circles around his or her two-left-footed partner, and everyone at home has a good laugh. Basically the same as they do now. Don't want to give up on that aspect of the show entirely.

and THEN, off in a limo or moderately priced chauffeured vehicle they go! Whisked away into the night where romance, or perhaps REJECTION, awaits. You don't get to see any of the dirty parts because of the FCC and also human decency.

BUT!

The NEXT week each person gets to tell their version of what happened that night and the audience gets to decide whether or not they make a good couple and should go out again. Everyone votes, and the couple gets a final score that is kept in a secret gold envelope. At the end of the season, there is a very SPECIAL "Going Out With the Stars" where the final scores are REVEALED, and the couple with the highest score is named the Going Out With the Stars Champions!

By the way there will also be a lot of backstabbing and gossip throughout the season that fans of the show can read using Twitter.

ChynaPhillips @HopeSolo hey solo if ur man is so into u, y does he keep txting me?

DerekDanceStar @RickiLake u go girl! ...by which i mean go AWAY u r DUMPED!

Stop buying coffee!

I'm okay with DRINKING coffee, but dang already. Does every human being HAVE to stop at a Tim Horton's or McDonalds or even STARBUCKS on their way to work? Who in hell is still going to STARBUCKS? Go ahead and sip your Starbucks coffee while using dial-up internet to find out who got kicked off Survivor.

It is even worse now that school is back in session. All the teachers. Ugh. Cars pulling up to the coffee place drive-thru are backed up into the STREET. and they just wait there! You are in the STREET! GET OUT!

In old tymes the milk man used to come and drop off a bottle of milk on the porch. Hey McDonalds, DO THAT WITH COFFEE. Leave a steaming hot Cup of Joe on every working person's doorstep Monday thru Friday. Obama will compensate you, that guy loves wasting money.

Until then, STAY OUT OF MY WAY. You can make coffee at home. It isn't hard. Rachael Ray does it in under 30 minutes.

You are a BUNCH of YUPPIES and I'm SICK OF IT.

Unlimited soup, salad, breadsticks lunch

Olive Garden. The Italian Denny's.

Not to offend any Olive Garden enthusiasts but that is NOT a "nice" restaurant. I wonder what they do if someone proposes marriage over dinner there? Do they bring champagne to the table? DOUBT IT. Probably a free dessert or half off select appetizers.

So some time ago Olive Garden realized that most of its patrons were kind of cheapo heads and decided to capitalize with this UNLIMITED soup, salad, and breadsticks lunch offer. You know, the stuff that people ordering a MEAL are given for FREE. and it has been successful, I hope the guy that thought it up got a nice raise. He will someday be in the Olive Garden Hall of Fame.

The idea is that at a time of day when they don't do a lot of business they can get $6.95 out of you for stuff that was gonna get either too cold or stale to be served anyway.

But here's the irony:

IT'S THE BEST FOOD THEY HAVE!

Everyone loves Olive Garden soup, salad, and breadsticks. Sometimes they are the REASON people go to dinner there. Then since they are out to EAT, and already there, they order an entree too. Something ain't right with the situation. It's like when you go to a concert to see the opening act, and then sit through a show you don't like too much because you already bought the ticket.

Olive Garden should maybe start thinking about repackaging its brand. Go the total fast food route. "The O.G." People would order soup, salad, and/OR breadsticks by reading one of those communal fast food menus that everyone looks up at. and you could change things up a bit, like how McDonalds has more than one hamburger option.

"I'll have the Zuppa Toscana Value Meal with the Texas GRILLED breadsticks."

and when you order a salad you get to act like a dick like at Subway.

"Extra lettuce, no tomatoes, no onions, extra dressing, I'm a douchebag, no croutons, etc."

Then they are FORCED to MAKE it right in FRONT of you. "That's right, TOSS it you SLAVE. No, no, that's NOT enough. Toss it MORE."

So if whoever owns Olive Garden is reading this and likes my idea please send me a large check.

Also I apologize for assuming the person that came up with the soup, salad, breadsticks idea was a man. That was sexist, it could have been a lady. If so I hope she got a nice raise too and I also hope that she was pretty.

School subjects

The worst one is math. Math completely sucks. We have CALCULATORS now, man! Yet it's homework every single night. STOP IT. The exception is fractions. I always thought fractions were kind of cool. I think because a lot of times they explain fractions using pizza. "If there are 8 slices, and Pablo eats 3, he has eaten 3/8ths of the pizza (duh)." Oh that's another thing, fractions are easy. and did you ever notice that a lot of Mexican names get used in school workbooks? "John, Julie, Herbert, and Juan are going to have a race." I'm okay with it.

History teachers don't know anything. They just use the book. But kids never challenge them on anything because history is boring and NOBODY CARES. There should be two history teachers in every class, one Democrat and one Republican. They could shout at each other all day, kids would love it. and if you think it would cost extra taxpayer money, guess what? There's people that would argue all day for FREE! I see them everywhere all the time including on TV.

a good class is English. You get to write stories and stuff. and usually you can pick whatever you want! "Here is a story about a dragon that likes to eat giraffes." and then you get an A for that. Well, I guess there are restrictions. "Martin Anthony Lombardi, you are not allowed to write a story about a dragon that likes going to the bathroom on people. You have to write a new one." Later in life Martin Anthony Lombardi becomes a punk rocker that writes a song about dragons going to the bathroom on people.

Science class pretty okay. BUT! Too much talk, not enough experiments. Every DAY there should be some kind of experiment or demonstration. Like Mr. Wizard but with multiple kids at once. There should also be a pregnant snake in every classroom. and every Friday you get to blow something up in the parking lot. See? School can be fun.

In Spanish class they teach you how to say all food names in Spanish. Then you go to a Spanish restaurant and all the foods are in Spanish already! Chimichanga, guacamole, etc. You never need to say "manzanas."

Music teachers were always too bossy. "Sing this song NOW." Weird.

Gym. The ultimate class. Playing "Guard the Pin" in the middle of the morning and it feels as important as the Superbowl. You MUST guard that pin. Remember picking teams? Some kid always had to be last. They say that it's socially traumatic but did the kid getting picked last seem like he cared about athleticism? He was fat with a cigarette in his mouth. "Whatever." Also why do people think fat kids hate dodgeball? They get hit once immediately and then get to sit down. It's a rubber ball, not an ARROW. I wish fat kids would melt like the Wicked Witch when the ball hits them. Instead of shrieking "I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING!" they'd be melting like "Whatever."

Welcome to college!

Who among us doesn't have happy memories of college? I suppose people that weren't afforded the opportunity to go, but even for them there are some movies about it. Some of you reading this may JUST NOW be in the midst of your freshman orientation. What an exciting time, everyone is so new and horny. Your orientation guides are there to encourage socialization and fill you in on some of the college basics, but they don't tell you everything! Here is the rest of what you need to know. Read carefully, your parents are paying a lot of money for this.

So if you haven't already, soon you will attend your first FRAT PARTY. Free beer for all. What could be better than that? The catch, somewhat obviously, is that the party is just their sales pitch to get you to join the club. Which ain't free. Unless you're a girl, in which case you are just there to be taken advantage of, but you're probably used to that by now.

It is important to familiarize yourself with the customs of dorm life. For example, you may return from class one afternoon to find that your dorm room no longer has a door. This is no reason to panic. Your door is probably still around somewhere! Duct tape enjoys a prominent presence in the dorm. You may be awakened by your alarm one morning only to find that you have been completely duct taped to your bed and cannot move at all. Meanwhile the alarm is still blaring, waking up everybody else in the dorm. and you have an early test that day. Don't get angry though, it's all in good fun!

Oh yeah there is also CLASS. You get two kinds of professors in college:

1) Professors that DON'T CARE if you show up to class or not
2) Professors that are dicks

The textbooks are very expensive. It's not like high school where they just pass them out. It is for this reason that I would advise you not to buy them. You're just gonna blow off reading them anyway. Save your money and thank me later!

There are LOTS of clubs you can join in college. You might think you are unique in liking something obscure or bizarre. College is the place where you find out that you're not! Do you REALLY like the Rocky Horror Picture Show? Well guess what! Your school just happens to have a Rocky Horror Picture Show Obsession Society! Isn't that GREAT? Sign up to watch, discuss, imitate, and analyze your favorite cult classic! Then what actually happens is you go to a weekly meeting where everybody quarrels over how to best allocate club funds to the Rocky Horror Picture Show Obsession Society's Annual Vegetarian Bar-B-Que and Percussion Jam. Young intellectual minds tend to be pretty passionate about things like that.

Finally you will reach a point freshman year where you will be required to make an important decision. Do I want to join a fraternity or sorority? You never really pictured yourself fitting in with that sort of crowd and are thinking "Me? a Greek?" Well there's an important question you can ask yourself. "Do I want to make lifelong friendships with positive, fun-loving people while also making contributions to both my campus and community?" If your answer is yes, there's an important follow-up question. "Am I okay with at some point being naked with a bunch of other dudes, all of us lapping up a kiddie pool full of beer like dogs? I mean there is youtube now and all."

College is all about choices.

The Elephant Blog

Elephants are definitely a main animal. People love everything about them, especially how big they are and also the trunk. They are also fun to ride, if your local zoo or church carnival offers such a service. Want to know more about elephants? You've come to the right place!

Here is everything about them.

Elephants are mammals, and also the biggest animals that live on land. Whales cannot go on land. No legs. Lady elephants stay pregnant for 22 months. So consider THAT, pregnant ladies, and stop bitching.

There are African elephants and Indian elephants. a lot of Indian people worship the elephant, whereas African people just know to keep their distance. Elephants are pretty tough, the other animals know not to mess with them. Not even the lion. They are also SMART. They have a good memory and are smart enough to be taught tricks. I think that there should be a special zoo for smart animals only. Elephants and dolphins and chimps. All in the pool together.

Elephants are sometimes POACHED for their ivory tusks. It is wrong. So remember to RECYCLE all your used up billiard balls and piano keys. Go to one of those hippie places for more information.

How much beer could an elephant drink? Well, for every beer the average human drinker consumes, an elephant could handle about 112. So a "six-pack" to an elephant would be 672 beers! and they could still probably DRIVE after that many. Would be one of those borderline decisions. So good thing they can't drive! a buzzed elephant behind the wheel sounds so dangerous.

It also helps that no one would ever spend money on 672 beers just to see a buzzed elephant.

Also if you think that elephants drink with their trunks, you are a fool. They suck the water in and then blow it into their mouths. Pretty gross. The trunk is a lot of things. It's like an arm that you breathe with. Anyway it's all part of God's plan so don't question it.

Well that's about all there is to know about elephants! If you want to know more you can watch Animal Planet, but only if you have good cable.

Toys R Us

(There is no way to type a backwards R.)

So whoopity dang, who doesn't love a trip to Toys R Us on a Saturday afternoon? Got to get some new dolls and fake guns for all the little ones in your life. Then you go to the check out and the lady starts in with all the questioning.

"Do you have a Toys R Us Rewards card?"

"No."

"Would you like to save 10% today by signing up for one?"

"No, thanks."

"Do you need any batteries today?"

"No, I'm buying a Hannah Montana doll and a book."

"Would you like to pre-order a copy of Harry Potter Goes to the Circus?"

"No I would not."

"Do you need any wrapping paper for your purchases?"

"Not from here because it costs $10."

"Do you need any Pepsi?"

"No."

"Do you want to save 10% off your next visit to Applebee's by pre-purchasing an Applebee's gift card?"

"Isn't this a toy store?"

"Are you a member of Geoffrey's Birthday Club?"

"Yeah."

"Do you need car insurance?"

"No, I have some."

"Did you know that you can save approximately 20% by signing up for special TOYS R US car insurance?"

"I.....do you mean real car insurance or is it like for Hot Wheels?"

"We are proud to offer both."

"Anyway, no."

"Would you like to buy this single rose to take home to your wife? It might improve your marriage."

"How much is it?"

"Fifteen dollars."

"No thanks."

"Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?"

"Hey."

"Want to see some pictures of my kids?"

"Do you mean little kids or like college age girls?"

"They're little."

"Then no."

"Interested in being my AA sponsor?"

"No."

"Steve Buscemi. Are you a fan?"

"I.....well I guess everybody sort of is, a little bit."

"Would you like to help save a life by donating blood today? There's a van out back."

"Do you mean that the Red Cross is here?"

"No."

"Then really really no."

"Geoffrey's out there now."

"Wonderful."

"He got woozy though and had to lie down."

"Poor Geoffrey."

"I really worry about him."

"It must be fun working with a giraffe."

"He yells a lot when no kids are around. It's scary."

"Can I cash out now?"

"Did you remember to check in on foursquare?"

"No I don't use that."

"Then no."

"What?"

"You can't cash out until you check in on foursquare."

"I don't have a phone."

"We sell them."

"Really?"

"Yes you can get an Elmo one or else Dora."

"Dora please."

"Your total is $84.81."

"Thanks."

"Have a nice day."


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH:

Why are barber shops adult lounges now?

So I keep hearing these ads on the radio for places that will cut your hair and they are getting sort of ridiculous. What would YOU say if you wanted someone to trust you to give them a haircut? Probably something like, "I promise to cut the hair straight and not poke you in the ear with the scissors."

But instead what I'm hearing is these promises where you'll get to have your hair cut by a LADY who is all hot with the big boobs and everything and during the haircut you get to watch sports on a big flat screen TV and drink a beer. When did all of THIS start?

and now they are saying that included with your haircut is a "scalp rub" and "relaxing neck and shoulder massage." WHAT? Everyone can see where this is going!

There are good honest barbers being put out of work by all of this smut. Barbers who know how to give you a shave and keep a comb in blue water. I wouldn't even know where to BUY blue water. I wish I did, that would be cool to have in the house.

What ELSE will be offered at the barber shop? "In addition to having your hair cut, you get to play Madden on PS3, you get free pizza, a lap dance, we'll show you that "Hangover" movie in 3-D, and cool friendly dogs will be hanging around."

IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAIRCUT! a haircut is supposed to be a SERIOUS THING.

Ladies would never tolerate such nonsense. They know that other than royal weddings, getting your hair styled is pretty much the most important thing in the world. They go to a place where a gay man yells at them for awhile and then cuts the hair and it turns out fantastic.

Meanwhile, men are getting drunk and having their hair cut by strippers. FOOLS.

Soon there will be a place where the stripper ladies change the oil in your CAR. a hot lady will lay on your car and talk to you while a different serious lady (possibly actually a man in drag) does the work. Then you have the option of paying $40 to pluck a new air filter out of the hot lady's boobs with your teeth. Then they "wash" the car (not really wash it just get water all over it and themselves) and then you get a scalp rub and then you go home.

What do these men say to their wives after getting the sex haircut? and what do the wives say? "You got a haircut? Why is it a bad one and why do you look guilty and why are you drunk?"

Also what would the man in drag's wife say?

"How was work?"

"Pretty good except I got oil all over my wig and dress for the 100th time in a row."

(Any unemployed readers interested in jobs cutting hair, changing oil, or stripping can check monster.com or else the newspaper.)

Snakes do not make good pets

Why do some people have snakes as pets? That ain't a good idea, man. Unless maybe you are a big rock star like Alice Cooper. But you know what? You're NOT.

In fact a pet store should not even offer a snake as an option. It's like when a clothing store starts selling headbands and moccasins. Don't sell those, people might WEAR them!

Snakes only usually do two things:

1) Sleep
2) Escape

That's it! and you know what they eat? Mice, which are also pets. So you are gonna just have to keep going back to the pet store to buy more and more animals. It is a BIG SCAM. Where is the Better Business Bureau on this one? and if you are some kind of sadistic weirdo that likes the idea of watching a live mouse get eaten, prepare to be disappointed! Snakes are never hungry. So when a whole day goes by and the snake hasn't eaten the mouse, you are gonna have to feed the mouse. So now you have a snake that's doing nothing, and a terrified mouse. TWO bad pets. Why not complete the trifecta with an irregular parakeet?

Snakes do not like being pets. Therefore they are perpetually crabby, unlike puppies. You will not be able to tell whether your snake is crabby or not, but trust me, he is. He is lying there all like "fml." So your pet snake does nothing, won't eat, and hates you. Also you are mistreating it. No matter how meticulous you are, you are not going to be able to maintain the right temperature, feeding schedule, shed skin removal, HUMIDITY, water, and regular tank cleanings that a snake requires. The zoo has to pay a TEAM of EXPERTS to do that.

So anyone thinking about getting a snake should cut it out. Just go get a tattoo of a snake. Or buy some frogs and give them evil names. Lucifer the Frog. Beelzebub Hoppenstance.

The History Channel

Okay first of all I have no problem with the History Channel itself. It is educational and entertaining. If you like watching the History Channel, good for you. But here is an important thing to say:

WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MAKE YOU SMART.

I have heard multiple people, including some straight-up DUMMIES, name-drop the History Channel as if everybody within earshot is gonna be all impressed. If you are someone that has been doing this, be warned. I see right through you.

Here is a thing. If the History Channel is so universally popular, why aren't there History Channel PARTIES? They do that Comic-Con thing for super nerdo dweebs, why isn't there a huge History Channel convention for all these people that are so into it? I mean I know there are Civil War re-enactments but that is only a PART of history. Fact.

Don't act like you watch the History Channel a lot if you DON'T. I am gonna carry around some flashcards to quiz people with. "Oh you watch a LOT of History Channel? Then tell me this. When was the steamboat invented? Tell me RIGHT NOW."

Are there History Channel T-SHIRTS? There are t-shirts for EVERYTHING. How come I never see anybody walking around in one?

I suspect that no one actually watches the History Channel. If you want to prove me wrong, video yourself watching the History Channel for an entire hour and put it on youtube. Then I will concede.

Otherwise, I know that you are all really watching porn.

Fun at the beach!

Dang but find me one person that doesn't love the beach. Maybe those weird people that are allergic to the sun, but otherwise no. Here is a blog that will make you want to go to the beach RIGHT NOW! Don't forget a towel!

There are RULES at the beach, but I never see them being enforced. Lifeguards are always looking/yelling, but I never see a guy in handcuffs because of "horseplay." Nobody getting arrested for throwing sand. Look around at the beach. No cops. The lifeguard doesn't even seem to have one of those walkie talkies that are used to call for "backup." So I'm not TELLING you to make trouble, but the fact of the matter is that when you're at the beach you can pretty much do whatever you want.

Everyone behaves at the beach, though. No crime. I guess because it's so open and sunny, it's like the opposite of a dark alley where a person is waiting to stab you for your drugs. Everybody leaves their towels and blankets and money and shoes lying right on the beach while they go in the water, and nobody takes it. and again, don't believe that it's because of that lifeguard. a tall chair does not combat crime. and look at him, he's not even watching you. He's texting.

Sand castles seem like they should have really taken off in modern times. Everyone has a phone to take pictures with. Yet I never see a really great freshly-built sand castle on anybody's Facebook. How come? Always just pictures of stupid little wiener kids, or else sunsets. Why not a picture of a sand castle, and then you photoshop yourself so that it looks like you are LIVING in it? Having a BBQ on the castle patio with neighbors. Then photoshop the lifeguard so that he's way off to the side, not socializing with anybody. Just texting.

More awesome stuff at the beach:

- Volleyball

- FIRES

- Bikinis

- Dogs running around with frisbees in their mouths

- Kayaks

- Potato chips

- Dolphins leaping out of the water (*rare)

- Skipping stones

- Little plastic pails and shovels

- Hawaii

Of course the most popular thing at the beach is the swimming, but most people really don't actually "swim." They just kind of linger around in the water. You can't really do "laps" at the beach, you never know when to turn around. I guess if you went too far in one direction the lifeguard would YELL at you to turn around, but you know how I feel about that guy and his lack of authority. I mean what if you just kept going? Would he CHASE you? If he left his post for even a minute everybody would knock his chair over and start kicking sand. Mayhem.

Another thing from the history of the beach was Baywatch.

Why doesn't Aquaman get a movie?

Ever since the big Batman Boom, superhero movies have been all the rage. Any superhero can be in a movie now. Even Iron Man. Lower tier guys like Green Lantern and Captain America are getting time on the big screen as well.

But where is Aquaman?

That guy was pretty significant. He was right in the fold with Batman and Wonder Woman and even Superman himself. But HE doesn't get a movie? What gives?

I think maybe it's because Aquaman doesn't operate under the "secret identity" system. He's always just Aquaman. Superman, by day, is mild-mannered Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent. Batman is billionaire Bruce Wayne. But Aquaman doesn't need a day job. He lives under water so nobody ever sees him around.

I am going to write a script that changes that. Aquaman, in day-to-day life, will be charismatic real estate agent Kent Cassidy. He will sell beachfront properties to upper class families. and obviously, if there's bad guys or alien sharks in the water, the value of those properties will go down. So he will have to take care of BUSINESS down there, won't he? The story writes itself!

Also, I feel audiences will have an easy time relating to Aquaman because he doesn't have a lot of powers. He's just sort of an everyday Joe that happens to be able to breathe under water and talk to fish. He can SWIM really well, but so can a lot of people. I don't think he can swim at the same rate that Superman can run or fly. He doesn't have super strength, per se, but he is pretty strong by regular dude standards. I have seen him move heavy rocks and giant-sized seashells before.

Superman cannot breathe under water, I'm PRETTY sure. So that's Aquaman's one defense if he and Superman ever have a big argument. He can get away from him.

Oh and Aquaman rides around on a giant sea horse, if you didn't know that. There will be a CGI one in the movie. His name is Horace. and there will be a lady in the movie too, of course. She will be in a bikini a lot, since most of the movie takes place at the beach. I think at some point he will have to kiss her under water to keep her alive or something. The sea horse won't be around for that part.

So that's my Aquaman movie idea. Any Hollywood movie executives reading this can e-mail me, but only if you're serious.

This is Aquaman looking for his keys:

Holiday Weekend Blog

SO when it's a holiday weekend people tend to blow off work and not want to show COMMITMENT to the TASK.

I ain't like that though, so here is some more writing:

The Rubik's Cube was POPULAR. Only certain people could solve the Rubik's Cube, and none of them prospered from it. There was no Atari version of the Rubik's Cube. How come?

Some birds guard eggs. Others fly all over and have the nerve to act surprised when someone has messed with the eggs. What would YOU do?

When you are mowing the lawn and run over something you were not supposed to run over, you automatically yell "FUCK!" Invent a lawnmower that yells that with you in unison when it detects an impropriety. Imagine yelling "FUCK!" in unison with your lawnmower. It would only cost like one extra microchip these days.

Can any profession go on strike? Even if unofficially? I want to see a locksmith strike. "Stay in there!"

Lion tamer strike. "This lion will do whatever he wants until my demands are met. Right now he is sleeping and wanting to be away from all of you."

People used to laugh a LOT watching Candid Camera. They are pretty much all dead now.

You aren't supposed to kick sand at the beach. Where CAN you kick it? Making an all-sand field goal should be a thing.

Who at the dentist is MOST excited about the new magazines? (By default.)

Who among us is so rich that he eats one Pop-Tart and throws the other one away?

Who is WORKING at the place where they print fortune cookie fortunes? 100 million more "a friend's kind gesture may mask an evil deed." What are the jobs like there? Fortune cookie message printer and fortune cookie message printer supervisor. The latter makes the schedule.

Just make cigarettes illegal already

What is up with this idiotic situation? "You can still smoke cigarettes, BUT, they now cost one-hundred dollars per pack AND you have to look at a picture of a dying old lady before you can smoke them. You can still smoke them if you want to, though."

END THIS INSANITY.

There are new, graphic warning labels on every pack of cigarettes now. If something is SO bad for you that you need to be confronted with diseased lungs and awful teeth and defective babies as a WARNING NOT TO USE IT then HEY, MAYBE TAKE IT OFF THE MARKET ENTIRELY?

What would be the downside? a man in a suit that makes a million dollars working for Big Tobacco would be upset. So that's a reason to keep it legal. Everyone feels sorry for THAT guy.

Also we are setting a TREND here. What is coming next? "You can still buy a Pepsi, but now the can has to have the word DIABETES on it and it must be twice as large as the word PEPSI." "McDonalds can still operate, but all cashiers must say "SHAME ON YOU" to each customer upon ordering."

I would like to see a billboard of the Marlboro Man in which he is dead. and the camel, bring him back but with bad stuff happening to him. "Joe Camel now has bad intestinal cancer. Girls don't think that is too cool. He no longer gets laid."

What more can be done to make cigarettes unappealing? Maybe you should HAVE to buy them FROM a dying lung cancer patient. Or engineer them so that when you light one, it screams. Or when you smoke it halfway down, it explodes like a firecracker in your mouth. "You can still puff, but don't try to smoke a whole one! That's bad for you, and this way you'll have a REMINDER of that."

Sounds ridiculous but this is SO RIDICULOUS ALREADY. Dying people on the PACKAGING. That is the LAW now. "Here is what will happen to your babies and feet if you buy this. You can still buy it though!"

In ten years we are all gonna be like "Can you believe smoking was legal?" Well not ALL of us cause some people are gonna be dead. Sucks if that's the case for you but HEY maybe DON'T DO THINGS that are likely to kill you.

If you would like to see the new anti-smoking warning labels that are on tobacco products you can try going to a gas station or else Wal-Mart.

The Little Caesar's sign people

Okay I understand that a lot of people want to earn a good, honest living but what the fuck? How do you get this job? Is there an INTERVIEW? "What are your career motivations?" Is there DRUG-TESTING?

If you are not familiar with Little Caesar's they are this crappy pizza chain that produces low-priced pizzas using suspicious ingredients. Like ketchup, salt, and cheese that does not come from a cow. I have to admit I have never actually EATEN their food but if it is one third of the price of regular style pizza could it possibly be any good? Someone tell me.

So anyway they have this unique marketing style where they employ a person to stand on the street with a sign:

These people clearly have NOTHING TO LOSE. I mean geez do they get actual money or just a crappy Little Caesar's pizza as payment? I feel sorry for people that are homeless but in this case I suspect that Little Caesar's has just cut out the middle man. "Dance around like a clown waving this sign for a few hours and we will give you a pizza. Not a GOOD pizza, one of ours. Deal or what?"

In fact I'm sure everyone has at some point seen a person holding a "Will Work For Food" sign. This seems to be the equivalent. It is painful to witness. Therefore I feel that Obama should ORDER Little Caesar's to KNOCK IT OFF.

It is exploitation PLUS the pizza sucks.

This man looks like he is about to be hit by a bolt of lightning:

Dinosaurs

Since the beginning of time, everybody has been fascinated with dinosaurs. There are no more dinosaurs currently alive, but hundreds of dollars have been spent digging up their old bones. Those bones are now featured prominently at museums, where children are frequently warned not to touch them ("or else"). No one can touch the dinosaur bones. They are too important, as were dinosaurs.

Okay now I will tell you everything there is to know about dinosaurs.

First of all there were two varieties, the carnivore and the herbivore. The herbivores only ate plants for some reason. The carnivores had more sense and frequently enjoyed the delicious meat of other dinosaurs and animals. Not people though, as they did not exist yet. Adam and Eve came later, followed eventually by Jesus. Or else apes evolved into humans. No one is certain, but let's not get into that right now.

Everyone wants to know what killed off the dinosaurs. Some people think a giant asteroid was responsible. Others think that the carnivores got super hungry and ate too many of the other dinosaurs. My theory is that there were sick dinosaurs on the planet and they spread too much disease around and eventually they all had it. Can't cure a sick dinosaur, there was no vet back then.

I bet a herbivore killed a carnivore in a fight. At least once, like in some kind of fluke occurrence. If so I hope some other herbivores were around to see it.

a lot of people insist that homosexuality exists in the animal kingdom. Does that mean there were gay DINOSAURS? Kind of tough to picture, but I guess so.

Also, like certain ethnic groups, most dinosaurs have really long hard-to-spell names. How come? There was no reason for scientists to make spelling dinosaurs difficult. In fact we should re-name them. People could pay money to have a kind of dinosaur named after them, like they do with stars. Then all the money goes to charity and/or the economy. Maybe stop short of re-naming the really FAMOUS dinosaurs like the T-Rex and Brontosaurus because people are already too used to those names and would just keep using them anyway.

Finally here are the winners of our dinosaur-drawing contest. Thanks to all who entered!