Ebenezer Scrooge was a rich old man that was also a jerk. It is for those reasons that I would estimate that he probably liked golf. At the end of "A Christmas Carol," Scrooge becomes nice because some ghosts threatened him. But even nice people such as kindly grandpas still tend to cheat at golf, they think it's part of the fun. I am working on a new Scrooge story, sort of a "summer sequel," where some ghosts confront him at the golf course and tell him not to cheat or else a little girl might die. (Still working on getting the rights, I was forced to sign a thing promising to publish all my future Scrooge stories "legally" after what happened with that last one.)
Rudolph was a sap. "We hate you! Oh wait, it's foggy! You're cool, Rudolph! Let's get you reined to the sleigh!" Makes you wonder what that girl reindeer was after. "That was a fun date, Rudolph! I really like you. By the way, got any money? No? This is one of my other reindeer friends, Jerome Sweetlaces. He'd like to have a word with you."
So let me get this straight...the Grinch steals everything, but the Whos are still happy, so he gives it all back and then gets an invitation to dinner? He didn't even say he was sorry! and the dinner, did he even bring a side dish or some wine or anything? Does the Grinch know how to cook? He seemed pretty domesticated, he had a sewing machine and everything. Imagine the Grinch with potholders on taking a big rack of lamb out of the oven. and what did all the Whos get for Christmas the NEXT year? You guessed it, homemade clothes! (Ugh.)
Frosty the Snowman smokes a pipe. Where does he get matches? The only people he knows are kids. "Here's more matches, Frosty. I couldn't get that other stuff you wanted, though. The liquor cabinet was locked and I checked the bathroom but didn't really see any pills. Are you sure that's what snowmen eat? Also I asked around at school, nobody knows where to get hookers. I told you they wouldn't."
(Pssst...you get them from Jerome Sweetlaces.)
Everyone loves watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas," but why didn't they show how the play turned out?! Ever been to a children's Christmas pageant? When the kids take their bows, all the adults stand up and clap and cheer. It gets pretty loud. That would have been neat, to hear all the Charlie Brown parents and teachers that sound like trombones making a big out-of-tune orchestra commotion.
Followed by a long period of trombone murmuring as everyone puts on their coats.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Bring back Crazy Foam (it's time)
Okay if you don't remember Crazy Foam it was basically shaving cream that kids were intended to play with. a can of shaving cream with Superman or Batman on it or whoever.
You would press the button on the can and the foam would come out of the character's mouth. Kind of like Silly String, except it would come out in a big glob. It made it look like Batman ate WAY too many marshmallows. ("Bleghhhhh...")
It sounds foolish but you have to understand that wasting money was a popular fad in the 1970s. (See: the Pet Rock, gold chains, KISS)
Crazy Foam was supposed to be a thing that you could take in the bathtub and such, help you get clean in a fun way, but of course a bunch of stupid kids decided to EAT the foam so nobody was allowed to have it anymore.
Since those times, the earth has gotten to be a much worse and lazy place in a lot of ways. People will heat an entree in a microwave or send out wedding invitations on Facebook so they don't have to lick a bunch of envelopes. and of course parenting has gotten super-psycho. When I was five years old I would walk to school with my brother, jumping over puddles and running across the street in between cars. Nowadays you see this whole production where if a kid is getting picked up by the school bus the whole world has to stop. a step-parent is waiting outside with him at the exact house where he lives (WEHT all kids waiting together at the corner?) and then some person in a neon vest gets OFF the bus to "help" the kid get ON the bus. Once on the bus the child can use his phone to text the step-parent and confirm that he has safely made it to his seat. The child is usually fat because he is not allowed to walk anywhere or ride a bike without putting on a plastic suit of armor.
I don't think kids eating Crazy Foam would be too much of a problem in 2011. Parents don't let their kids do anything anymore besides homework and soccer, and they always hang around during activities like that. Very few reported cases of "THE BABY SWALLOWED A WEEBLE!" lately. and besides there are all sorts of things a kid COULD accidentally ingest. Cell phones are getting really small!
So I expect to see all-new Crazy Foam with Spongebob and Obama and Tigger and all the other cartoon characters on it sometime in the near future. They should market other "bathtime fun" products too, like a water balloon filled with shampoo. It has Elmo's face on it and when you squeeze and explode it the shampoo flies all over the place.
By the way look at where they assumed Spiderman's "mouth" to be.
You would press the button on the can and the foam would come out of the character's mouth. Kind of like Silly String, except it would come out in a big glob. It made it look like Batman ate WAY too many marshmallows. ("Bleghhhhh...")
It sounds foolish but you have to understand that wasting money was a popular fad in the 1970s. (See: the Pet Rock, gold chains, KISS)
Crazy Foam was supposed to be a thing that you could take in the bathtub and such, help you get clean in a fun way, but of course a bunch of stupid kids decided to EAT the foam so nobody was allowed to have it anymore.
Since those times, the earth has gotten to be a much worse and lazy place in a lot of ways. People will heat an entree in a microwave or send out wedding invitations on Facebook so they don't have to lick a bunch of envelopes. and of course parenting has gotten super-psycho. When I was five years old I would walk to school with my brother, jumping over puddles and running across the street in between cars. Nowadays you see this whole production where if a kid is getting picked up by the school bus the whole world has to stop. a step-parent is waiting outside with him at the exact house where he lives (WEHT all kids waiting together at the corner?) and then some person in a neon vest gets OFF the bus to "help" the kid get ON the bus. Once on the bus the child can use his phone to text the step-parent and confirm that he has safely made it to his seat. The child is usually fat because he is not allowed to walk anywhere or ride a bike without putting on a plastic suit of armor.
I don't think kids eating Crazy Foam would be too much of a problem in 2011. Parents don't let their kids do anything anymore besides homework and soccer, and they always hang around during activities like that. Very few reported cases of "THE BABY SWALLOWED A WEEBLE!" lately. and besides there are all sorts of things a kid COULD accidentally ingest. Cell phones are getting really small!
So I expect to see all-new Crazy Foam with Spongebob and Obama and Tigger and all the other cartoon characters on it sometime in the near future. They should market other "bathtime fun" products too, like a water balloon filled with shampoo. It has Elmo's face on it and when you squeeze and explode it the shampoo flies all over the place.
By the way look at where they assumed Spiderman's "mouth" to be.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Suspicious Cliff Claven photo
So Christmas is coming up and I ain't asking for much from Santa (what do you get for the guy that has EVERYTHING?) but I decided that maybe I would like some gourmet ketchup and something really good and obvious and simple like the first season of "Cheers" on DVD.
So I went to Amazon and this is what I saw...
Now if I'm known for one thing other than road rage it is my extensive knowledge of 1980s television (just TRY to stump me at Magnum P.I. trivia) so there was a hugely disturbing problem right off the bat. As EVERYONE should know, while John Ratzenberger DID APPEAR as "Cliff Claven" in the first season of Cheers, he was NOT YET a credited cast member. He was just one of those supplemental characters like Dudley on "Diff'rent Strokes" or the retarded girl on "Facts of Life."
See when they make a new TV show they release these nice-looking publicity photos that are intended to make the show popular. Everybody from the show all getting along.
Part of taking a good photograph is getting the people right in the middle. So in the case of Cheers they had this nice picture of Sam and Diane centralized, with Coach on the left, Norm on the right, and Carla behind. The more I stare at it I continue to pick up on all sorts of editing flaws, but there is one that really sticks out. LOOK AT HOW THEY MOVED THE ENTIRE SHOT OVER TO THE RIGHT JUST TO SQUEEZE IN STUPID CLIFF CLAVEN.
There's no way he was in that picture originally. Why take the time and effort to get him in there? Like he's so important, like they really thought he'd help "sell" the DVD. What, people wouldn't want Cheers anyway? It's CHEERS! I guess the color blue is kind of nice, maybe that's why.
I hereby DEMAND that John Ratzenberger be removed from the covers of all future prints of Cheers Season 1 DVDs. Especially when it comes out in 3D. You aren't fooling anybody. The top of Carla's head was so obviously meant to be right in the middle, it would fit so perfectly underneath the wavy "Cheers" logo.
So I went to Amazon and this is what I saw...
Now if I'm known for one thing other than road rage it is my extensive knowledge of 1980s television (just TRY to stump me at Magnum P.I. trivia) so there was a hugely disturbing problem right off the bat. As EVERYONE should know, while John Ratzenberger DID APPEAR as "Cliff Claven" in the first season of Cheers, he was NOT YET a credited cast member. He was just one of those supplemental characters like Dudley on "Diff'rent Strokes" or the retarded girl on "Facts of Life."
See when they make a new TV show they release these nice-looking publicity photos that are intended to make the show popular. Everybody from the show all getting along.
Part of taking a good photograph is getting the people right in the middle. So in the case of Cheers they had this nice picture of Sam and Diane centralized, with Coach on the left, Norm on the right, and Carla behind. The more I stare at it I continue to pick up on all sorts of editing flaws, but there is one that really sticks out. LOOK AT HOW THEY MOVED THE ENTIRE SHOT OVER TO THE RIGHT JUST TO SQUEEZE IN STUPID CLIFF CLAVEN.
There's no way he was in that picture originally. Why take the time and effort to get him in there? Like he's so important, like they really thought he'd help "sell" the DVD. What, people wouldn't want Cheers anyway? It's CHEERS! I guess the color blue is kind of nice, maybe that's why.
I hereby DEMAND that John Ratzenberger be removed from the covers of all future prints of Cheers Season 1 DVDs. Especially when it comes out in 3D. You aren't fooling anybody. The top of Carla's head was so obviously meant to be right in the middle, it would fit so perfectly underneath the wavy "Cheers" logo.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
The incredible TRUE story of the BIG STORM
So I got kicked out of work early on Wednesday because it was snowing a LOT and that made it difficult to get home. That's what workplaces do. "Man, it looks like it's IMPOSSIBLE to drive out there! Go home!" Cars were lined up in a standstill heading in the opposite direction, some of them stuck/stranded entirely. It was just then getting dark, and the snowfall was very nasty.
It was at this point that my car decided to be a dick. All like "Umm, can I have some engine coolant please? I don't feel good." I did not have any of that around. I keep my engine coolant at the house. "GOOD PLACE FOR IT!" as someone's stupid car-knowing dad might say.
We get to a major intersection. Light is green, but traffic is not moving. The car begins to vibrate, and I start yelling at it like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction.
Car: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Me: BITCH, be cool!
Car: GRRRRRRRRRRRR
Me: BITCH, be COOL!
The car also does not have any heat, so while waiting in traffic snow was kind of piling up on the windows and I could not see anything that was not straight ahead. That's okay because straight ahead was where I was going.
After stopping to pick up beer and the dog, in that order, we actually did somehow make it home. Dog was confused. "Where is the yard? I need that."
There is this strategy people use where they wait for the snow to stop falling before they start to shovel. That way you only have to do it once. So I begin to drink beer and wait.
5:00...
6:00...
7:00...
8:00...
It's still snowing, and now there is a LOT of it. I decide to get to work. Initially I have really good enthusiasm, feeling like John Henry and his hammer. "This is kind of FUN!"
9:00...
10:00...
11:00...
12:00...
It's still snowing. I am tired and wet. I begin to think up ridiculous plans.
"I can sleep from 1am until 3am, then shovel everything again, then sleep from 5am to 5:45am, then shovel the end of the driveway at least, get ready for work, shovel, go to work, come home, shovel everything again, and sometime around midnight tomorrow I'll be done!"
Morning comes, and I go to look out the kitchen window.
"It won't be that bad, I made a lot of progress last night."
Imagine looking out the window in the morning and the Grinch is standing there giving you the finger.
At least a foot of snow is everywhere, plus drifts. The cars are totally buried, and the street has not been plowed. Morale is low. Also it is STILL SNOWING. I dig in, still kidding myself about making it to work that day. All I need is for that plow to come, right? Should be any minute.
7:00...
8:00...
9:00...
10:00...
11:00...
No plow. and everything that I shoveled has to be shoveled AGAIN because it is still snowing with rapid accumulation. One car is parked on the street, totally buried. I have no dry footwear left, so I am just wearing old wet leaky boots with no socks. It may sound miserable, but morale is HIGH. First of all I didn't have to go to work. Any kind of chore is more pleasurable than being at a place where you HAVE to be. That's why kids always liked clapping erasers in school. All the other kids are sitting in boring old class, but you are OUTSIDE and CLAPPING ERASERS. I remember one time they made us mop the gym. "This is awesome, we're MISSING CLASS!" All schools should fire the janitors and just let the kids clean up everything. Who would complain? "They love it!"
So I keep on shoveling, taking frequent beer breaks. No plow. There is a snow drift on the porch covering almost the entire front window. Finally a plow comes down the OTHER side of the street, and gets stuck. Other plows arrive on the scene. "Having some trouble there, buddy?" That has to be really emasculating. You have a PLOW and are stuck in the snow and need help. "Hello I can neither drive, plow, nor please a woman. I am now banned from all barber shops and Hooters locations."
I am drunk, wet, sore, and watching two plows effectively dance with each other across the street. They are moving around, but not really moving anywhere. Soon it gets dark again, and it's still snowing. The plow eventually escaped. I hope that guy got sent home for the day. They finished plowing the OTHER side of the street, but not ours. and they KEPT plowing the OTHER side of the street periodically. Like some cruel psychological experiment. They should have passed out coffee and hot sandwiches to the people across the street as well. "Compliments of the city!" I tried to give one of the plow drivers a real mean look, but he wouldn't make eye contact.
APPARENTLY they would not plow our side of the street because there were too many cars parked on it, buried in snow, including one of mine. (I have TWO cars because I am WEALTHY. One of them even has heat.) So I guess the city's plan was to have the residents brush the snow off the cars, dismantle them, let the plow through, and then reassemble them. No way was I going along with THAT.
The next morning comes, and it has STOPPED SNOWING. Again I am kidding myself about making it to work. Street is still not plowed, but it should be ANY MINUTE. RIGHT? According to the TV news, 85% of neighborhood streets had been plowed. Only a measly 15% left! That's us! I get back to shoveling, but am running out of places to put the snow. Eight-foot mountain at the corner of the front yard, nine-foot mountain at the corner of the back yard, about a three-foot gap in the driveway where both cars are supposed to fit. Hmmm.
At about 10:45am I see a VEHICLE at the end of the street. and it's on OUR SIDE. But it's not a PLOW, per-se, it is a bulldozer. The kind that can lift heavy things like gravel or pieces of a burnt-up house. Impressive. BUT, you see, while a plow can get down the whole street in like 30 seconds, a bulldozer has to bulldoze, stop, scoop, lift, and find a place to put what it lifted. All backing up and turning around and such. In other words it was clearly gonna take FOREVER. I guess the city was pissed at us for not dismantling the cars.
The bulldozer makes it about halfway down the street, and gets stuck.
Really.
For 45 minutes this bulldozer is spinning its wheels, trying to free itself. I am wondering what kind of vehicle will show up next. Maybe a tank or a dump truck full of dwarfs carrying picks and shovels. Instead it was just another bulldozer. I kind of expected the second bulldozer guy to get out and hit the first bulldozer guy with his hat, like Skipper and Gilligan, but that didn't happen. Instead they both got out and had a conversation (no reason to hurry, they were both on the clock probably), and then the second bulldozer did some kind of bulldozer Heimlich maneuver to the first bulldozer (it was a little gay) and he was "rescued."
The second bulldozer guy left (I hope he yelled "Don't do that again!") and the first bulldozer guy got back to work, probably embarrassed now. People watching him, all skeptical. "Do you really know what you're doing?" "Sorry, it's my first day!"
Eventually he did manage to CLEAR the STREET. So now, after two days of shoveling, all I would have to do is...shovel more! Then we could have cars again. But I was out of beer, so I needed to go to the store on foot.
Me: I'm going to the store, do you need anything?
Wife: Well we could use some milk.
Me: No, not that, do you NEED anything?
Wife: Maybe something for lunch...
Me: No, I mean do you NEED anything?
Wife: No.
The happy ending? We MOVED the CARS. There is no exciting conclusion, because this story was true, and true stories are never that great. That's why so many people are liars.
It was at this point that my car decided to be a dick. All like "Umm, can I have some engine coolant please? I don't feel good." I did not have any of that around. I keep my engine coolant at the house. "GOOD PLACE FOR IT!" as someone's stupid car-knowing dad might say.
We get to a major intersection. Light is green, but traffic is not moving. The car begins to vibrate, and I start yelling at it like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction.
Car: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Me: BITCH, be cool!
Car: GRRRRRRRRRRRR
Me: BITCH, be COOL!
The car also does not have any heat, so while waiting in traffic snow was kind of piling up on the windows and I could not see anything that was not straight ahead. That's okay because straight ahead was where I was going.
After stopping to pick up beer and the dog, in that order, we actually did somehow make it home. Dog was confused. "Where is the yard? I need that."
There is this strategy people use where they wait for the snow to stop falling before they start to shovel. That way you only have to do it once. So I begin to drink beer and wait.
5:00...
6:00...
7:00...
8:00...
It's still snowing, and now there is a LOT of it. I decide to get to work. Initially I have really good enthusiasm, feeling like John Henry and his hammer. "This is kind of FUN!"
9:00...
10:00...
11:00...
12:00...
It's still snowing. I am tired and wet. I begin to think up ridiculous plans.
"I can sleep from 1am until 3am, then shovel everything again, then sleep from 5am to 5:45am, then shovel the end of the driveway at least, get ready for work, shovel, go to work, come home, shovel everything again, and sometime around midnight tomorrow I'll be done!"
Morning comes, and I go to look out the kitchen window.
"It won't be that bad, I made a lot of progress last night."
Imagine looking out the window in the morning and the Grinch is standing there giving you the finger.
At least a foot of snow is everywhere, plus drifts. The cars are totally buried, and the street has not been plowed. Morale is low. Also it is STILL SNOWING. I dig in, still kidding myself about making it to work that day. All I need is for that plow to come, right? Should be any minute.
7:00...
8:00...
9:00...
10:00...
11:00...
No plow. and everything that I shoveled has to be shoveled AGAIN because it is still snowing with rapid accumulation. One car is parked on the street, totally buried. I have no dry footwear left, so I am just wearing old wet leaky boots with no socks. It may sound miserable, but morale is HIGH. First of all I didn't have to go to work. Any kind of chore is more pleasurable than being at a place where you HAVE to be. That's why kids always liked clapping erasers in school. All the other kids are sitting in boring old class, but you are OUTSIDE and CLAPPING ERASERS. I remember one time they made us mop the gym. "This is awesome, we're MISSING CLASS!" All schools should fire the janitors and just let the kids clean up everything. Who would complain? "They love it!"
So I keep on shoveling, taking frequent beer breaks. No plow. There is a snow drift on the porch covering almost the entire front window. Finally a plow comes down the OTHER side of the street, and gets stuck. Other plows arrive on the scene. "Having some trouble there, buddy?" That has to be really emasculating. You have a PLOW and are stuck in the snow and need help. "Hello I can neither drive, plow, nor please a woman. I am now banned from all barber shops and Hooters locations."
I am drunk, wet, sore, and watching two plows effectively dance with each other across the street. They are moving around, but not really moving anywhere. Soon it gets dark again, and it's still snowing. The plow eventually escaped. I hope that guy got sent home for the day. They finished plowing the OTHER side of the street, but not ours. and they KEPT plowing the OTHER side of the street periodically. Like some cruel psychological experiment. They should have passed out coffee and hot sandwiches to the people across the street as well. "Compliments of the city!" I tried to give one of the plow drivers a real mean look, but he wouldn't make eye contact.
APPARENTLY they would not plow our side of the street because there were too many cars parked on it, buried in snow, including one of mine. (I have TWO cars because I am WEALTHY. One of them even has heat.) So I guess the city's plan was to have the residents brush the snow off the cars, dismantle them, let the plow through, and then reassemble them. No way was I going along with THAT.
The next morning comes, and it has STOPPED SNOWING. Again I am kidding myself about making it to work. Street is still not plowed, but it should be ANY MINUTE. RIGHT? According to the TV news, 85% of neighborhood streets had been plowed. Only a measly 15% left! That's us! I get back to shoveling, but am running out of places to put the snow. Eight-foot mountain at the corner of the front yard, nine-foot mountain at the corner of the back yard, about a three-foot gap in the driveway where both cars are supposed to fit. Hmmm.
At about 10:45am I see a VEHICLE at the end of the street. and it's on OUR SIDE. But it's not a PLOW, per-se, it is a bulldozer. The kind that can lift heavy things like gravel or pieces of a burnt-up house. Impressive. BUT, you see, while a plow can get down the whole street in like 30 seconds, a bulldozer has to bulldoze, stop, scoop, lift, and find a place to put what it lifted. All backing up and turning around and such. In other words it was clearly gonna take FOREVER. I guess the city was pissed at us for not dismantling the cars.
The bulldozer makes it about halfway down the street, and gets stuck.
Really.
For 45 minutes this bulldozer is spinning its wheels, trying to free itself. I am wondering what kind of vehicle will show up next. Maybe a tank or a dump truck full of dwarfs carrying picks and shovels. Instead it was just another bulldozer. I kind of expected the second bulldozer guy to get out and hit the first bulldozer guy with his hat, like Skipper and Gilligan, but that didn't happen. Instead they both got out and had a conversation (no reason to hurry, they were both on the clock probably), and then the second bulldozer did some kind of bulldozer Heimlich maneuver to the first bulldozer (it was a little gay) and he was "rescued."
The second bulldozer guy left (I hope he yelled "Don't do that again!") and the first bulldozer guy got back to work, probably embarrassed now. People watching him, all skeptical. "Do you really know what you're doing?" "Sorry, it's my first day!"
Eventually he did manage to CLEAR the STREET. So now, after two days of shoveling, all I would have to do is...shovel more! Then we could have cars again. But I was out of beer, so I needed to go to the store on foot.
Me: I'm going to the store, do you need anything?
Wife: Well we could use some milk.
Me: No, not that, do you NEED anything?
Wife: Maybe something for lunch...
Me: No, I mean do you NEED anything?
Wife: No.
The happy ending? We MOVED the CARS. There is no exciting conclusion, because this story was true, and true stories are never that great. That's why so many people are liars.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Hot girls making cookies
Lots of people are afraid to fly on airplanes. Is anybody afraid of the airplane itself? Scared to look at it? Once you got on everything would be okay, you can't SEE the plane from the inside.
If you are a manager at a meat-packing place and need to interview a potential employee, do the interview right in the freezer. If they can't make it through THAT, forget 'em.
Who makes up combinations? There must be some kind of safe or locker at the White House with petty cash in it. Who decides what the combination is? "11-12-64 seems pretty good to me." "No you idiot that is too OBVIOUS." I think a robot should do it. Robots know best in cases like that.
They say elephants never forget, but elephants also don't seem to have too many enemies. They never get stood up for the prom and such. What exactly are they REMEMBERING? "That antelope was a dick to me once."
Some restaurants offer huge steaks and burgers and other foods that nobody could possibly eat. Other businesses should do that. "Just TRY to collect on this ridiculous life insurance policy!" "There is no way you will EVER finish reading this gigantic magazine."
Terrorism is a problem. It has made people afraid to receive powder in envelopes. Is there any kind of powder that is ABSOLUTELY necessary?
(Idea: Ban powder)
Lava lamps were popular for a short time. Problem was they didn't provide any kind of service, so people stopped buying them. Lava lamp coffee maker would be pretty cool, eh? Or else a lava lamp that is also an aquarium. There would be heating and cooling issues, but I think people would like to stare at multiple things at once.
Elves do not exist, yet people are so torn over what they theoretically would be like. Some people think elves should be little imps that make Christmas toys for children, while others think they should be hot girls in Lord of the Rings movies. All tall and "emo." and then there is this fringe group that thinks elves live in trees and bake cookies. a winning idea would be a book or movie about hot girls that like to make toys and cookies. Everybody wins.
If you are a manager at a meat-packing place and need to interview a potential employee, do the interview right in the freezer. If they can't make it through THAT, forget 'em.
Who makes up combinations? There must be some kind of safe or locker at the White House with petty cash in it. Who decides what the combination is? "11-12-64 seems pretty good to me." "No you idiot that is too OBVIOUS." I think a robot should do it. Robots know best in cases like that.
They say elephants never forget, but elephants also don't seem to have too many enemies. They never get stood up for the prom and such. What exactly are they REMEMBERING? "That antelope was a dick to me once."
Some restaurants offer huge steaks and burgers and other foods that nobody could possibly eat. Other businesses should do that. "Just TRY to collect on this ridiculous life insurance policy!" "There is no way you will EVER finish reading this gigantic magazine."
Terrorism is a problem. It has made people afraid to receive powder in envelopes. Is there any kind of powder that is ABSOLUTELY necessary?
(Idea: Ban powder)
Lava lamps were popular for a short time. Problem was they didn't provide any kind of service, so people stopped buying them. Lava lamp coffee maker would be pretty cool, eh? Or else a lava lamp that is also an aquarium. There would be heating and cooling issues, but I think people would like to stare at multiple things at once.
Elves do not exist, yet people are so torn over what they theoretically would be like. Some people think elves should be little imps that make Christmas toys for children, while others think they should be hot girls in Lord of the Rings movies. All tall and "emo." and then there is this fringe group that thinks elves live in trees and bake cookies. a winning idea would be a book or movie about hot girls that like to make toys and cookies. Everybody wins.
Friday, November 19, 2010
The Royal Wedding!
Finally!
After many months of disinterest, it has been announced. Prince William is getting MARRIED. To a LADY.
The wedding is expected to take place sometime this summer, maybe fall. Once you decide to get married you have to wait awhile because all the halls are already rented. Also you have to plan a menu. That will be challenging for them because British food is not too good. They will probably have to send out.
The woman he is marrying gets to be QUEEN of ENGLAND eventually. Which brings up a good point, can't the regular queen DIE already? I'm so sick of her. She is old and boring. It's time to change things up, a hot queen would be so awesome. We still have to wait through Charles and all of that, but he is getting pretty old himself! Kind of a gyp for him, he's been waiting a LONG TIME to get on that throne. He must be bitter.
The wedding is probably going to be on television. All ladies everywhere will watch it. Men are advised to select an alternate activity for that day, such as sitting in a chair in the garage or fishing. It's gonna be horrible, like a 14-hour Sex and the City movie that's on TV for free. Women act strangely about weddings. They scream and cry, but are also happy. They buy wedding magazines, even if there are no known weddings scheduled to happen.
The wedding day has already been announced to be a national holiday in England. Don't even THINK of trying to go to the library, a celebrity is getting married! It is British custom to have ridiculous priorities.
Wedding invitations have not been sent out yet, but it is assumed that hundreds of important people will be invited, including Barack Obama and the Pope. Not too many kids from freshman dorm will make the guest list. Just celebrities and old people. Old BRITISH people, men that drink tea and women that use eyeglasses on a stick. None of these people will participate in the Electric Slide. Well I guess Obama might. He is always trying to prove that he is a fun guy that's in good shape. What bands are they getting? If Eric Clapton is there singing "Wonderful Tonight" it might top Harry Potter as the worst British thing that ever happened.
and of course there's the BIG wedding question. Who will GET DRUNK? Sean Connery and the President of Ireland will become confused and start looking around for a place to throw darts. Prince Harry will shake himself after taking in an eyeful of some relative's meaty collarbone area for a bit too long. Desmond Tutu will ease into the next morning thinking "I rather like that Y-M-C-A..."
After many months of disinterest, it has been announced. Prince William is getting MARRIED. To a LADY.
The wedding is expected to take place sometime this summer, maybe fall. Once you decide to get married you have to wait awhile because all the halls are already rented. Also you have to plan a menu. That will be challenging for them because British food is not too good. They will probably have to send out.
The woman he is marrying gets to be QUEEN of ENGLAND eventually. Which brings up a good point, can't the regular queen DIE already? I'm so sick of her. She is old and boring. It's time to change things up, a hot queen would be so awesome. We still have to wait through Charles and all of that, but he is getting pretty old himself! Kind of a gyp for him, he's been waiting a LONG TIME to get on that throne. He must be bitter.
The wedding is probably going to be on television. All ladies everywhere will watch it. Men are advised to select an alternate activity for that day, such as sitting in a chair in the garage or fishing. It's gonna be horrible, like a 14-hour Sex and the City movie that's on TV for free. Women act strangely about weddings. They scream and cry, but are also happy. They buy wedding magazines, even if there are no known weddings scheduled to happen.
The wedding day has already been announced to be a national holiday in England. Don't even THINK of trying to go to the library, a celebrity is getting married! It is British custom to have ridiculous priorities.
Wedding invitations have not been sent out yet, but it is assumed that hundreds of important people will be invited, including Barack Obama and the Pope. Not too many kids from freshman dorm will make the guest list. Just celebrities and old people. Old BRITISH people, men that drink tea and women that use eyeglasses on a stick. None of these people will participate in the Electric Slide. Well I guess Obama might. He is always trying to prove that he is a fun guy that's in good shape. What bands are they getting? If Eric Clapton is there singing "Wonderful Tonight" it might top Harry Potter as the worst British thing that ever happened.
and of course there's the BIG wedding question. Who will GET DRUNK? Sean Connery and the President of Ireland will become confused and start looking around for a place to throw darts. Prince Harry will shake himself after taking in an eyeful of some relative's meaty collarbone area for a bit too long. Desmond Tutu will ease into the next morning thinking "I rather like that Y-M-C-A..."
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Jared completed the marathon
So the big news this past weekend was Jared from Subway competing in the New York City marathon. He actually finished the race, proving once again that submarine sandwiches are the healthiest thing you can eat.
At one time a 450-pound dying slob, Jared is now the picture of health. But a 26-mile run can be a VERY stiff test even for a healthy person. (Just ask TOM SELLECK.)
Yet Jared, adhering to his regimen of egg and jalapeno breakfast sandwiches and cheeseless turkey clubs, threw caution to the wind and boldly entered the race. What if it went poorly? What if Jared got a bad stomach cramp about a mile into the race and had to duck out through the crowd? Imagine all the booing and catcalls he would have been met with. "Oh, I see! Subway - QUIT fresh!" What if Jared collapsed, exhausted, at the 13-mile mark and started vomiting up black olives and banana peppers as obnoxiously fit, red-scalped octogenarians trotted right past him?
But NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. He stuck it out and made it to the finish line. It would have been pretty neat if they had two people holding one of those 18-foot-long party subs for him to break through when he got to the end, but that did not happen. (I guess because Subway does not sell those.)
What is next for our friend Jared? He's in great shape, maybe he will get into MMA. Or maybe it's time for a movie role. Anyone else thinking romantic comedy? Drew Barrymore is running out of people to do those with.
They are always adding new balloons to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I would kind of like to see a Jared balloon, but the problem there is that skinny people do not make good balloons. a balloon of the old, fat Jared with an army of skinny Jared look-a-likes pulling it would be much better. They could explain that they are pulling the Jared balloon TO Subway to get thin. Then the real Jared emerges and sings a song (lip-synched).
How do you get the job where you get to decide what happens in parades? If anyone knows, e-mail me.
At one time a 450-pound dying slob, Jared is now the picture of health. But a 26-mile run can be a VERY stiff test even for a healthy person. (Just ask TOM SELLECK.)
Yet Jared, adhering to his regimen of egg and jalapeno breakfast sandwiches and cheeseless turkey clubs, threw caution to the wind and boldly entered the race. What if it went poorly? What if Jared got a bad stomach cramp about a mile into the race and had to duck out through the crowd? Imagine all the booing and catcalls he would have been met with. "Oh, I see! Subway - QUIT fresh!" What if Jared collapsed, exhausted, at the 13-mile mark and started vomiting up black olives and banana peppers as obnoxiously fit, red-scalped octogenarians trotted right past him?
But NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. He stuck it out and made it to the finish line. It would have been pretty neat if they had two people holding one of those 18-foot-long party subs for him to break through when he got to the end, but that did not happen. (I guess because Subway does not sell those.)
What is next for our friend Jared? He's in great shape, maybe he will get into MMA. Or maybe it's time for a movie role. Anyone else thinking romantic comedy? Drew Barrymore is running out of people to do those with.
They are always adding new balloons to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I would kind of like to see a Jared balloon, but the problem there is that skinny people do not make good balloons. a balloon of the old, fat Jared with an army of skinny Jared look-a-likes pulling it would be much better. They could explain that they are pulling the Jared balloon TO Subway to get thin. Then the real Jared emerges and sings a song (lip-synched).
How do you get the job where you get to decide what happens in parades? If anyone knows, e-mail me.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Proposition 19 shot down!
Yes it's true. Californians have spoken, and contrary to popular belief, it turns out that "everybody" does not smoke pot. Hippies and janitors everywhere are crying. All the bowls that were pre-packed for the victory parties got smoked anyway, but not in celebratory fashion.
But anyway now I am keen on this idea of voting for "stuff," as opposed to men (and ladies) in suits that shout and want to have each other jailed. Those elections are BORING. Voting on things we might be allowed to do is much more interesting.
Some ideas for next time:
1) Being loud at the library
What's the big deal? I know that people like to read in quiet, but guess what? The library lets you TAKE THE BOOKS HOME. For FREE. If you spend more than 20 minutes in a library you are an idiot. Unless you work there or are a lady in a long skirt playing songs for children. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to yell "YO, WHASSUP DUDE!" if you see a friend on the complete other side of a huge library room. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to sneak up on a friend and close a book really loudly behind his head.
2) Keeping score in little league
When did THIS bullshit start? If you haven't heard, when little kids play baseball (and soccer and other sports) now, they don't keep score! Every game is ruled a tie, even if one team got obviously crushed. That is NOT FAIR. If some kids are better than others, just make trades, sucky kids for athletic kids. That way all the teams would even out. The sucky kids would not realize what was going on, because they suck. and even if they do figure it out you can just shut them up with extra post-game pizza. I am gonna go to a little league game myself and keep score and keep shouting out the score real loud the whole time. That will help rally people behind my ideas.
3) Scratch-off tickets
Get these out of stores. If you want to gamble you should have to go to a casino or OTB or church (bingo). a person that needs to run into a store to quickly purchase milk and ham should not have to wait behind you while you're all "Give me...give me...uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." It ain't McDonalds, fool, GET OUT OF LINE. You are impeding the economy. What the hell is that silver stuff made from? The part of scratch-offs that you actually "scratch off?" I bet it's toxic. a little kid should eat a big pile of it so that it gets banned.
Now I am excited about the next election. How do you get ideas on the ballot? The first step must be to get people talking. Anybody that works in a place with a copy machine please print this out and make a bunch of copies and pass them around. Most offices have paper that you can use for free.
But anyway now I am keen on this idea of voting for "stuff," as opposed to men (and ladies) in suits that shout and want to have each other jailed. Those elections are BORING. Voting on things we might be allowed to do is much more interesting.
Some ideas for next time:
1) Being loud at the library
What's the big deal? I know that people like to read in quiet, but guess what? The library lets you TAKE THE BOOKS HOME. For FREE. If you spend more than 20 minutes in a library you are an idiot. Unless you work there or are a lady in a long skirt playing songs for children. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to yell "YO, WHASSUP DUDE!" if you see a friend on the complete other side of a huge library room. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to sneak up on a friend and close a book really loudly behind his head.
2) Keeping score in little league
When did THIS bullshit start? If you haven't heard, when little kids play baseball (and soccer and other sports) now, they don't keep score! Every game is ruled a tie, even if one team got obviously crushed. That is NOT FAIR. If some kids are better than others, just make trades, sucky kids for athletic kids. That way all the teams would even out. The sucky kids would not realize what was going on, because they suck. and even if they do figure it out you can just shut them up with extra post-game pizza. I am gonna go to a little league game myself and keep score and keep shouting out the score real loud the whole time. That will help rally people behind my ideas.
3) Scratch-off tickets
Get these out of stores. If you want to gamble you should have to go to a casino or OTB or church (bingo). a person that needs to run into a store to quickly purchase milk and ham should not have to wait behind you while you're all "Give me...give me...uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." It ain't McDonalds, fool, GET OUT OF LINE. You are impeding the economy. What the hell is that silver stuff made from? The part of scratch-offs that you actually "scratch off?" I bet it's toxic. a little kid should eat a big pile of it so that it gets banned.
Now I am excited about the next election. How do you get ideas on the ballot? The first step must be to get people talking. Anybody that works in a place with a copy machine please print this out and make a bunch of copies and pass them around. Most offices have paper that you can use for free.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Reading the cereal box
I eat lunch alone almost every day. I think it's okay to eat lunch alone in public, it doesn't carry the same stigma that eating dinner alone does. If you see an adult man wearing a sweater and a mustache eating a plate of beef and potatoes all by himself at Denny's, and it's DINNER time, you should always call the police and report a suspicious person. Just to be on the safe side.
Anyway the problem with eating LUNCH by yourself is that you don't know where to look while chewing. At the Wegmans cafe there is this TV close to where they keep the toys and during lunch it usually has Dora the Explorer on it, so I have to act interested in that. I am beginning to learn things about that show, such as that there is a monkey on it. I look forward to seeing the monkey more than the other characters, I can't deny it.
Mighty Taco is a good one because they give you a placemat with some kind of very wordy cartoon. There is a lot to read and look at. Everyone is eating tacos in the cartoon, and you're eating tacos too, and the whole place smells like tacos. It is downright taco-mania in there.
Now the one other place I ever go is the mall food court. It is a rarity, but every couple of months I like to go to this Greek place for coffee and a gyro. Everyone else is in line at either Arby's or Subway, I guess just out of habit. I do not understand this. The Greek place is RIGHT THERE, with better food that's priced about the same, and what look to be actual nice friendly Greek people are happy to make it for you. They are very clean and do not wear uniforms.
So I get the good food but then there is again this problem of eating alone and not knowing where to look. All they give you to look at is this table tent. It has a smiling man on one side, and a smiling lady on the other side. So I always turn it to the lady side and stare at her while eating. I wonder what her name is?
I remember that when I was a kid eating cereal for breakfast I would always want to read the back of the cereal box. Most other kids did the same. If you got tired of having to read the back of the same cereal box too many mornings in a row, you would get desperate and start reading the nutritional information instead. I was very impressed with the iron content in "Total," it made me feel strong. Or else I would look at the front of the box real intently, really analyzing the artwork. I remember staring Toucan Sam in the eye for a long time until I almost started freaking out.
The cereal box was also a good means of defense that you could use to not have to watch your brothers and sisters eat cereal, too. Everybody ducked their head down real low while eating, reveling in that little sanctuary of cereal box privacy.
But the thing with the lady on the table tent is, after probably having spent the totality of an hour looking at her over the past year, I still have no idea what product or business she is meant to advertise. I think it's something like eyeglasses, but she doesn't wear those! Earrings maybe? It's something that goes on your head.
But since I can't say for certain I would like to go on the record stating that table tents do NOT work. They are too small and there is no shield factor. So I say start putting cereal boxes on the tables in diners and cafes instead. Everyone would read them. and a cereal box is pretty big, so there would be plenty of room for advertising space. This idea is a MONEY-MAKER.
Until then my other idea is to start carrying around a Wall Street Journal. I can pretend to read it. That kind of newspaper is small so you can easily read it with one hand while eating with the other hand. Or maybe I should go to the track and get a racing form instead. That would probably be more believable.
Anyway the problem with eating LUNCH by yourself is that you don't know where to look while chewing. At the Wegmans cafe there is this TV close to where they keep the toys and during lunch it usually has Dora the Explorer on it, so I have to act interested in that. I am beginning to learn things about that show, such as that there is a monkey on it. I look forward to seeing the monkey more than the other characters, I can't deny it.
Mighty Taco is a good one because they give you a placemat with some kind of very wordy cartoon. There is a lot to read and look at. Everyone is eating tacos in the cartoon, and you're eating tacos too, and the whole place smells like tacos. It is downright taco-mania in there.
Now the one other place I ever go is the mall food court. It is a rarity, but every couple of months I like to go to this Greek place for coffee and a gyro. Everyone else is in line at either Arby's or Subway, I guess just out of habit. I do not understand this. The Greek place is RIGHT THERE, with better food that's priced about the same, and what look to be actual nice friendly Greek people are happy to make it for you. They are very clean and do not wear uniforms.
So I get the good food but then there is again this problem of eating alone and not knowing where to look. All they give you to look at is this table tent. It has a smiling man on one side, and a smiling lady on the other side. So I always turn it to the lady side and stare at her while eating. I wonder what her name is?
I remember that when I was a kid eating cereal for breakfast I would always want to read the back of the cereal box. Most other kids did the same. If you got tired of having to read the back of the same cereal box too many mornings in a row, you would get desperate and start reading the nutritional information instead. I was very impressed with the iron content in "Total," it made me feel strong. Or else I would look at the front of the box real intently, really analyzing the artwork. I remember staring Toucan Sam in the eye for a long time until I almost started freaking out.
The cereal box was also a good means of defense that you could use to not have to watch your brothers and sisters eat cereal, too. Everybody ducked their head down real low while eating, reveling in that little sanctuary of cereal box privacy.
But the thing with the lady on the table tent is, after probably having spent the totality of an hour looking at her over the past year, I still have no idea what product or business she is meant to advertise. I think it's something like eyeglasses, but she doesn't wear those! Earrings maybe? It's something that goes on your head.
But since I can't say for certain I would like to go on the record stating that table tents do NOT work. They are too small and there is no shield factor. So I say start putting cereal boxes on the tables in diners and cafes instead. Everyone would read them. and a cereal box is pretty big, so there would be plenty of room for advertising space. This idea is a MONEY-MAKER.
Until then my other idea is to start carrying around a Wall Street Journal. I can pretend to read it. That kind of newspaper is small so you can easily read it with one hand while eating with the other hand. Or maybe I should go to the track and get a racing form instead. That would probably be more believable.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Here is everything I thought about lately
Some football stadiums have fake grass. a good invention would be artificial sand. It would look and smell like regular sand, but it would not get all clumpy on wet feet. You could keep it around your swimming pools and bathtubs. The sand would also be safe for children to eat, but it would not taste good. Kind of like Play-Doh.
The board game "Clue" really took liberties with the concept of weapons. Has anyone ever robbed a bank with a candlestick? Don't even TRY to get on an airplane with a ROPE.
If you are drinking coffee in a restaurant, a waitress will frequently come over to "top you off." It's like being on a sightseeing tour where they keep taking you back to the beginning, but you still have the option of finishing it whenever you want. Usually seeing or drinking the beginning of something about four times is enough.
Whenever I hear someone described as being a "philanthropist," I always spend the first two syllables thinking the person is gonna say "philanderer." Then the next two syllables are such a let-down. That must be why philanthropists are regarded as being so boring.
The army says you can't ask people if they are gay. I want there to be other forbidden questions. "No asking somebody if they have a favorite bird." "Don't ever ask a guy if he ever had a paper route."
You only cook certain foods over a campfire using a stick. It's always low-grade stuff, hot dogs and marshmallows. That way you don't care if it gets dirty or falls in. It was essentially garbage to begin with. If you get really good at it, I think you should try some other things. "Look at this nice toasty French bread pizza that I am COOKING over a FIRE." I also wonder if there's some elite camper that makes a cool shish kabob out of hot dogs and marshmallows.
a lot of people quit jobs by making an announcement. If you make a lot of money, like the President or a football coach, you hold a press conference and quit your job in front of the whole world. If you make hardly any money at all, you create a little scene just for the benefit of anybody that happens to be in the room. Some kid at Burger King "I'M SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT!" Then he throws down his visor and storms out. People with middle-of-the-road jobs don't tend to quit a lot. a dentist never puts his drill down all like "FUCK this." a UPS driver never gets on a microphone saying "I will no longer deliver packages."
Denny's used to give you a free breakfast on your birthday. Some silly place like White Castle or Quiznos should give you a free meal if you decided to quit your job that day. After eating you can fill out an application.
Vincent Van Gogh was a great painter, but then he cut his ear off because he felt tormented by a woman. I want a house painter to do that. "I am passionate, too."
You can't pull off a surprise party unless you can get somebody to walk into a certain room at the right time. I want to be really good at surprise parties. That's why I hold so many practice runs.
"Hey go in there for a minute."
"Why?"
"Please just do it."
"Okay."
The board game "Clue" really took liberties with the concept of weapons. Has anyone ever robbed a bank with a candlestick? Don't even TRY to get on an airplane with a ROPE.
If you are drinking coffee in a restaurant, a waitress will frequently come over to "top you off." It's like being on a sightseeing tour where they keep taking you back to the beginning, but you still have the option of finishing it whenever you want. Usually seeing or drinking the beginning of something about four times is enough.
Whenever I hear someone described as being a "philanthropist," I always spend the first two syllables thinking the person is gonna say "philanderer." Then the next two syllables are such a let-down. That must be why philanthropists are regarded as being so boring.
The army says you can't ask people if they are gay. I want there to be other forbidden questions. "No asking somebody if they have a favorite bird." "Don't ever ask a guy if he ever had a paper route."
You only cook certain foods over a campfire using a stick. It's always low-grade stuff, hot dogs and marshmallows. That way you don't care if it gets dirty or falls in. It was essentially garbage to begin with. If you get really good at it, I think you should try some other things. "Look at this nice toasty French bread pizza that I am COOKING over a FIRE." I also wonder if there's some elite camper that makes a cool shish kabob out of hot dogs and marshmallows.
a lot of people quit jobs by making an announcement. If you make a lot of money, like the President or a football coach, you hold a press conference and quit your job in front of the whole world. If you make hardly any money at all, you create a little scene just for the benefit of anybody that happens to be in the room. Some kid at Burger King "I'M SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT!" Then he throws down his visor and storms out. People with middle-of-the-road jobs don't tend to quit a lot. a dentist never puts his drill down all like "FUCK this." a UPS driver never gets on a microphone saying "I will no longer deliver packages."
Denny's used to give you a free breakfast on your birthday. Some silly place like White Castle or Quiznos should give you a free meal if you decided to quit your job that day. After eating you can fill out an application.
Vincent Van Gogh was a great painter, but then he cut his ear off because he felt tormented by a woman. I want a house painter to do that. "I am passionate, too."
You can't pull off a surprise party unless you can get somebody to walk into a certain room at the right time. I want to be really good at surprise parties. That's why I hold so many practice runs.
"Hey go in there for a minute."
"Why?"
"Please just do it."
"Okay."
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The miners are RESCUED!
Something went right for once. There was a mine disaster and none of the miners were killed. That's like a Christmas tree fire that somehow spares all the gifts, or a pizza oven exploding but the pizza still turns out okay.
How can we prevent future mining accidents? Well first of all I think that people should STOP GOING INTO MINES. It's 2010. You can't eat peanuts on an airplane or smoke a cigarette at the bank but you can still go into a mine. That is not correct. There are enough computers and robots and underground-loving animals around that we should be able to figure out a different way.
and I know that a lot of miners will argue "but that is the only way we can earn a wage!" That's just negative thinking. Doesn't a willingness to work in a MINE seem like it would carry with it a good deal of optimism? Are there miners that are all like "I'm never gonna find anything down here! This is HOPELESS!" So think of it that way, guys. You're not just job-hunting, you are mining for WORK.
Miners from West Virginia may have a more difficult time finding jobs since many of them lack reading abilities and teeth but for those people there is always the Sears Blue Crew.
Now let's get to what EVERYBODY wants to talk about and that's this guy with the mistress. The mine caves in, 32 people are afraid for their lives and just this one other guy is thinking "ohhhhhhhh shit, that bitch better be cool up there." a lot of marriages run into problems when a wife goes through her husband's cell phone or finds condoms in his wallet. This guy was apparently golden in those areas. I guess he never accounted for the possibility of his wife showing up at a candlelight vigil being hosted by the mistress. Was there a CATFIGHT? How badass cold would it have been if the wife sent her wedding ring down to him in one of those blue tubes?
Finally I thought it was commendable that people clapped and cheered EVERY TIME one of the miners was raised up. You would think it would be like when they hand out the diplomas at high school graduation. Everyone is all enthusiastic at first but by the 50th or 60th kid they're sick of it. "Robert Nathan Hall? I never heard of THIS kid, hmmm.........don't think I'll clap." "Stephanie Anne Hancocker? Bet everybody makes fun of THAT name. Keep movin', sister."
How can we prevent future mining accidents? Well first of all I think that people should STOP GOING INTO MINES. It's 2010. You can't eat peanuts on an airplane or smoke a cigarette at the bank but you can still go into a mine. That is not correct. There are enough computers and robots and underground-loving animals around that we should be able to figure out a different way.
and I know that a lot of miners will argue "but that is the only way we can earn a wage!" That's just negative thinking. Doesn't a willingness to work in a MINE seem like it would carry with it a good deal of optimism? Are there miners that are all like "I'm never gonna find anything down here! This is HOPELESS!" So think of it that way, guys. You're not just job-hunting, you are mining for WORK.
Miners from West Virginia may have a more difficult time finding jobs since many of them lack reading abilities and teeth but for those people there is always the Sears Blue Crew.
Now let's get to what EVERYBODY wants to talk about and that's this guy with the mistress. The mine caves in, 32 people are afraid for their lives and just this one other guy is thinking "ohhhhhhhh shit, that bitch better be cool up there." a lot of marriages run into problems when a wife goes through her husband's cell phone or finds condoms in his wallet. This guy was apparently golden in those areas. I guess he never accounted for the possibility of his wife showing up at a candlelight vigil being hosted by the mistress. Was there a CATFIGHT? How badass cold would it have been if the wife sent her wedding ring down to him in one of those blue tubes?
Finally I thought it was commendable that people clapped and cheered EVERY TIME one of the miners was raised up. You would think it would be like when they hand out the diplomas at high school graduation. Everyone is all enthusiastic at first but by the 50th or 60th kid they're sick of it. "Robert Nathan Hall? I never heard of THIS kid, hmmm.........don't think I'll clap." "Stephanie Anne Hancocker? Bet everybody makes fun of THAT name. Keep movin', sister."
Saturday, October 9, 2010
My FREE GIFT from DirecTV
Well what do you know? According to an e-mail I received, it has been a full EIGHT YEARS since I became a subscriber to DirecTV. They said they wanted to thank me for being a valued customer and notified me that my loyalty would now be rewarded in the form of a FREE GIFT.
(Yes, a FREE GIFT. As opposed to all those GIFTS you receive and then have to PAY for.)
I would like to say that, over the past eight years, I have been very happy with the DirecTV service. Yes it is expensive, but so is all television, whether it's satellite or not. It's just a thing now that you can't watch TV in 2010 unless you pay a LOT of money.
See television doesn't work like other bills that you pay for your house. If you left the bathtub faucet running for an entire month, your gas and water bills would be thousands and thousands of dollars! But if you keep it mostly off, you can pay a much smaller fee. TV ain't like that. You could forget to use it for a whole year and they would still charge you the same rate as if you left it on the whole time. It's kind of like car insurance. You pay just in CASE something happens, but instead of an accident or injury you are paying a lot of money in case you feel like watching Comedy Central.
I don't have a calculator handy but I would estimate that in paying eight years of DirecTV bills, I have probably spent the equivalent of what it would take to start a small business, purchase one of the motorcycles that older men like to look at on calendars, or get a passenger seat on one of those upcoming civilian trips to the moon. But this e-mail I got the other day, with its promise of a FREE GIFT, seemed to validate my continuing support of the undisputed leader in satellite television service. What would it be? a free equipment upgrade? a new, thumb-friendlier remote control? I scrolled through the message, my eyes like heat-seeking missiles in pursuit of the exact details of this exciting treasure DirecTV had selected to thank me with. and finally they locked on the information in question:
1 FREE DIRECTV CINEMA MOVIE
NO STRINGS ATTACHED! (What would you attach them to?)
They recommend either Iron Man 2 or Sex and the City 2.
I have been invited to log into my account for more details on the free $5 movie. They also say that my OFFICIAL notification about the free $5 movie will be arriving in the MAIL shortly. I hope it's a registered letter, all with forms to fill out and such.
But assuming it's a postcard I am just gonna write "CRAPPY GIFT - NO THANKS" on it and mail it back. Like those sassy waitresses that bust out the "Sir, I think you forgot your change!" routine on bad tippers in restaurants.
Kiss my grits, DirecTV.
(Yes, a FREE GIFT. As opposed to all those GIFTS you receive and then have to PAY for.)
I would like to say that, over the past eight years, I have been very happy with the DirecTV service. Yes it is expensive, but so is all television, whether it's satellite or not. It's just a thing now that you can't watch TV in 2010 unless you pay a LOT of money.
See television doesn't work like other bills that you pay for your house. If you left the bathtub faucet running for an entire month, your gas and water bills would be thousands and thousands of dollars! But if you keep it mostly off, you can pay a much smaller fee. TV ain't like that. You could forget to use it for a whole year and they would still charge you the same rate as if you left it on the whole time. It's kind of like car insurance. You pay just in CASE something happens, but instead of an accident or injury you are paying a lot of money in case you feel like watching Comedy Central.
I don't have a calculator handy but I would estimate that in paying eight years of DirecTV bills, I have probably spent the equivalent of what it would take to start a small business, purchase one of the motorcycles that older men like to look at on calendars, or get a passenger seat on one of those upcoming civilian trips to the moon. But this e-mail I got the other day, with its promise of a FREE GIFT, seemed to validate my continuing support of the undisputed leader in satellite television service. What would it be? a free equipment upgrade? a new, thumb-friendlier remote control? I scrolled through the message, my eyes like heat-seeking missiles in pursuit of the exact details of this exciting treasure DirecTV had selected to thank me with. and finally they locked on the information in question:
1 FREE DIRECTV CINEMA MOVIE
NO STRINGS ATTACHED! (What would you attach them to?)
They recommend either Iron Man 2 or Sex and the City 2.
I have been invited to log into my account for more details on the free $5 movie. They also say that my OFFICIAL notification about the free $5 movie will be arriving in the MAIL shortly. I hope it's a registered letter, all with forms to fill out and such.
But assuming it's a postcard I am just gonna write "CRAPPY GIFT - NO THANKS" on it and mail it back. Like those sassy waitresses that bust out the "Sir, I think you forgot your change!" routine on bad tippers in restaurants.
Kiss my grits, DirecTV.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Halloween decorations up already, eh?
and hey, why not? It's only 31 days away. The sooner you cover the front of your home with fake cobwebs, the better.
If I may DISPENSE with the SARCASM, I would like to say that I am VERY ASHAMED of all of you. There's no Halloween "season." I think everyone is confused by Christmas. Christmas involves a lot of shopping, caroling, cookie-baking, tree-decorating, football games, holiday specials, hot tub parties, trips to visit Santa at the mall, sleigh-riding, school pageants, snowball fights, and church. It takes a long time to get that all in, and it's nice to see holiday decorations around while you're doing it.
Halloween isn't like that at all. Once you buy the candy, costumes, and carve a pumpkin, you don't have to do anything Halloween-oriented until the 31st. and that's good, because a lot of other stuff is happening in October! Politicians are screaming at each other for being immoral liars as Election Day draws near. Baseball season is almost over. Doesn't anybody care about the WORLD SERIES anymore? and what about OKTOBERFEST? You can get drunk during the day and not hide it! and I think a certain Mr. Christopher Columbus (ever heard of HIM?) would have a thing or two to say about jumping the gun with this Halloween garbage.
Yet here we are, still in September and you can't visit a store or walk your dog or loiter on a neighborhood street without seeing witches and mummies and happy little ghosts. What are all these ghosts SMILING at? Because they know Thanksgiving is gonna get the shaft again?
Some will try to argue, "Well we do it because it's fun for the kids." Shut-up. Since when does anybody care what kids like? They'd eat candy for breakfast on the 4th of July if you let them. If you want kids to be happy stop giving them so much homework.
I am gonna make a point by celebrating all holidays six weeks ahead of time. May 21st? Break out the fireworks. February 3rd? Drunk on green beer in public. November 20th? HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Another thing I might try, when people put up their Halloween decorations too soon, is stealing them and throwing them away. That can become a new tradition, like pinching someone for not wearing green on St. Patrick's Day.
By the way I will not celebrate Thanksgiving six weeks ahead of time in case people think I am Canadian.
If I may DISPENSE with the SARCASM, I would like to say that I am VERY ASHAMED of all of you. There's no Halloween "season." I think everyone is confused by Christmas. Christmas involves a lot of shopping, caroling, cookie-baking, tree-decorating, football games, holiday specials, hot tub parties, trips to visit Santa at the mall, sleigh-riding, school pageants, snowball fights, and church. It takes a long time to get that all in, and it's nice to see holiday decorations around while you're doing it.
Halloween isn't like that at all. Once you buy the candy, costumes, and carve a pumpkin, you don't have to do anything Halloween-oriented until the 31st. and that's good, because a lot of other stuff is happening in October! Politicians are screaming at each other for being immoral liars as Election Day draws near. Baseball season is almost over. Doesn't anybody care about the WORLD SERIES anymore? and what about OKTOBERFEST? You can get drunk during the day and not hide it! and I think a certain Mr. Christopher Columbus (ever heard of HIM?) would have a thing or two to say about jumping the gun with this Halloween garbage.
Yet here we are, still in September and you can't visit a store or walk your dog or loiter on a neighborhood street without seeing witches and mummies and happy little ghosts. What are all these ghosts SMILING at? Because they know Thanksgiving is gonna get the shaft again?
Some will try to argue, "Well we do it because it's fun for the kids." Shut-up. Since when does anybody care what kids like? They'd eat candy for breakfast on the 4th of July if you let them. If you want kids to be happy stop giving them so much homework.
I am gonna make a point by celebrating all holidays six weeks ahead of time. May 21st? Break out the fireworks. February 3rd? Drunk on green beer in public. November 20th? HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Another thing I might try, when people put up their Halloween decorations too soon, is stealing them and throwing them away. That can become a new tradition, like pinching someone for not wearing green on St. Patrick's Day.
By the way I will not celebrate Thanksgiving six weeks ahead of time in case people think I am Canadian.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Mr. Wizard
Mr. Wizard was a popular television institution, perhaps enjoying his most memorable run on "Mr. Wizard's World" on Nickelodeon in the 1980s. Everybody watched it, unless you were po and had no cable. (Po meaning POOR, as opposed to PISSED OFF, but if you couldn't watch Mr. Wizard you should have been that too.)
What is a wizard? a mythological magician, a person with inherent supernatural powers that cannot be explained by logic or science. So you can see where Mr. Wizard got his name.
The concept of the show was simple. Neighborhood children would wander into the home of an elderly science enthusiast and catch him in the middle of conducting an experiment. Luckily they never happened to burst in on him doing other things. "Mr. Wizard why are you drinking whiskey, sitting in a chair staring at very old photographs, and crying?" "Gee Mr. Wizard, you're putting on ladies' toenail polish? What kind of experiment is this?"
The neat thing about Mr. Wizard was that it was probably the only show that encouraged children to "try this at home." Kids are always getting yelled at not to do the things they see on TV. Don't jump off your roof thinking you can fly like Superman, or joyride on a forklift or bicycle like Laverne and Shirley. But Mr. Wizard wasn't like that. "I just sucked a hard boiled egg into a milk bottle, now YOU try it!"
Mr. Wizard passed away a few years ago. He was once quoted as saying, "My time on this earth is getting shorter and shorter each day, but no matter how old I get, and even when I am dead, Mr. Wizard's World will never die." He then uploaded a bunch of old clips onto youtube to ensure it.
I like that quote much better than the recent words of Bill Nye the Science Guy, who stated in an interview "After I'm dead, I still WON'T be dead. You'll ALLLLLL see!"
What is a wizard? a mythological magician, a person with inherent supernatural powers that cannot be explained by logic or science. So you can see where Mr. Wizard got his name.
The concept of the show was simple. Neighborhood children would wander into the home of an elderly science enthusiast and catch him in the middle of conducting an experiment. Luckily they never happened to burst in on him doing other things. "Mr. Wizard why are you drinking whiskey, sitting in a chair staring at very old photographs, and crying?" "Gee Mr. Wizard, you're putting on ladies' toenail polish? What kind of experiment is this?"
The neat thing about Mr. Wizard was that it was probably the only show that encouraged children to "try this at home." Kids are always getting yelled at not to do the things they see on TV. Don't jump off your roof thinking you can fly like Superman, or joyride on a forklift or bicycle like Laverne and Shirley. But Mr. Wizard wasn't like that. "I just sucked a hard boiled egg into a milk bottle, now YOU try it!"
Mr. Wizard passed away a few years ago. He was once quoted as saying, "My time on this earth is getting shorter and shorter each day, but no matter how old I get, and even when I am dead, Mr. Wizard's World will never die." He then uploaded a bunch of old clips onto youtube to ensure it.
I like that quote much better than the recent words of Bill Nye the Science Guy, who stated in an interview "After I'm dead, I still WON'T be dead. You'll ALLLLLL see!"
Saturday, September 18, 2010
a blog about FRUIT
Bananas are probably the most popular. They are easy to eat, loaded with POTASSIUM, and come with a free sticker. and the part you throw away is on the OUTSIDE. That is tons convenient. Most other fruits are pretty on the outside, but there is something nasty lurking in the middle. How much of the peach can you get away with eating before you encounter the pit? If I asked that question rhetorically it could be SONG lyrics.
Do you like eating an orange? Me too. You peel it, scrape the white stuff off, take it apart, get rid of the seeds, wash your hands, eat the orange, spit out the seeds you missed, and then wash your hands again. Satisfying snack right there. Perfect for on-the-go.
Once you get a piece of apple skin between your teeth, you are fucked for life. So how come nobody ever peels an apple? It's because a peeled apple looks uncomfortably naked. If someone handed you one you would have to smell it to figure out what it was. Imagine a peeled apple with little arms and legs quickly putting a towel on. "Do you MIND?"
If you smashed a coconut and a pineapple together, which would win? How come fruits that complement alcohol also tend to make the best weapons? Does a drunk, angry guy in a bar ever start swinging a pineapple around threateningly? Another guy picks up a coconut for defense. Everyone else flees.
a cherry goes on the top of a sundae. There should be another one hidden at the bottom. Everyone would like that.
Not too many people eat mangos. That's why they lend themselves so well to gourmet cuisine. No frame of reference. "Here is some goose liver with chipotle mango dressing. If you don't like this then you just don't know good food!" If you know what the fruit tastes like ahead of time, you are more skeptical. "Here is a steak with some blueberries." "Hey, that ain't right."
Grapes are neat because they turn into raisins, and that is a completely different food! and then even wine will eventually turn into vinegar. All without having to do anything. When you leave other foods sitting around they just turn into garbage. Sometimes I like to give false hopes to children. "Leave a peanut out on your windowsill. In the morning it will turn to metal."
If you ever order a fruit basket, make sure you know what's in it! Otherwise they could take liberties. "Here's your fruit basket, sir. Figs, yellow apples, and a grapefruit." Don't get burned like I did.
Do you like eating an orange? Me too. You peel it, scrape the white stuff off, take it apart, get rid of the seeds, wash your hands, eat the orange, spit out the seeds you missed, and then wash your hands again. Satisfying snack right there. Perfect for on-the-go.
Once you get a piece of apple skin between your teeth, you are fucked for life. So how come nobody ever peels an apple? It's because a peeled apple looks uncomfortably naked. If someone handed you one you would have to smell it to figure out what it was. Imagine a peeled apple with little arms and legs quickly putting a towel on. "Do you MIND?"
If you smashed a coconut and a pineapple together, which would win? How come fruits that complement alcohol also tend to make the best weapons? Does a drunk, angry guy in a bar ever start swinging a pineapple around threateningly? Another guy picks up a coconut for defense. Everyone else flees.
a cherry goes on the top of a sundae. There should be another one hidden at the bottom. Everyone would like that.
Not too many people eat mangos. That's why they lend themselves so well to gourmet cuisine. No frame of reference. "Here is some goose liver with chipotle mango dressing. If you don't like this then you just don't know good food!" If you know what the fruit tastes like ahead of time, you are more skeptical. "Here is a steak with some blueberries." "Hey, that ain't right."
Grapes are neat because they turn into raisins, and that is a completely different food! and then even wine will eventually turn into vinegar. All without having to do anything. When you leave other foods sitting around they just turn into garbage. Sometimes I like to give false hopes to children. "Leave a peanut out on your windowsill. In the morning it will turn to metal."
If you ever order a fruit basket, make sure you know what's in it! Otherwise they could take liberties. "Here's your fruit basket, sir. Figs, yellow apples, and a grapefruit." Don't get burned like I did.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Cops
Cops have good attention to detail.
"The suspect is a 5'6" Korean male wearing a grey hoodie, dark pants, black leather belt, a pair of Nike Air Force Ones, no socks, and a Lance Armstrong cancer bracelet. He sped off in a 2001 Hyundai Elantra GLS Sedan, color either mahogany or sinopia, with a taped up rear-view mirror and approximately 1/4 of a roll of masking tape on the dashboard."
I could never be a cop.
Someone: "Hey what kind of car do you drive?"
Me: "a blue one."
Someone: "Cool, what year is it?"
Me: "It's.....I don't know, I forgot to ask the guy."
Can you be a police officer if you are afraid of horses? No, but I bet some of them try to fake it.
"You're on horse patrol today."
"Ummm, okay. I'll meet you there."
Then later...
"WHERE WERE YOU? You never showed up to get on the horse."
"Oh I thought you meant we'd meet AT the parade."
"Are you stupid? You know we always meet at the secret underground police horse stable."
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Gee too bad I missed my chance to ride the horse."
"No you didn't, he's right behind you!"
"AHHH!"
Cops usually like to call you "sir." They would make good butlers. They dress neatly, show up for work on time, and are attentive to people's needs. Then again most butlers are murderers, so it would be a conflict of interest.
Some cops work "undercover." That means they get to dress up as somebody else. Then when they catch somebody doing something wrong, they say "a-HA! I wasn't REALLY a vagrant!" It's like Halloween and April Fools Day rolled into one, plus you get to throw somebody in jail at the end.
Police officers provide a huge variety of services. I wonder how they decide which cops get to do what stuff? "Officer 1, you'll be riding around in a patrol car all night. Officer 2, you'll be standing outside Tom Petty's door and guarding him. Officer 3, put this hat on and go pretend to look for hookers. Officer 4, an old lady may be dead in a retirement home bathtub. Go check it out. Officer 5, it's after 8pm. Go make sure nobody is still at the beach. Officer 6, go to a place where an ambulance and two fire trucks have already arrived and ask if there's anything you can do."
It is against the law to offer a policeman a bribe. Where is the line drawn there? If they show up at a suspect's house, can his elderly Italian mother be like "He's-a not here. But come IN! I made a nice-a manicotti. You boys are too THIN! Eat! EAT!"
or an artist in the park...
"While you were snooping around for people selling drugs, I sketched this portrait of you. I would like you to have it."
"That's a great portrait, sir, but no thanks."
"Come on, take it. It's you. No one else would want this."
"The suspect is a 5'6" Korean male wearing a grey hoodie, dark pants, black leather belt, a pair of Nike Air Force Ones, no socks, and a Lance Armstrong cancer bracelet. He sped off in a 2001 Hyundai Elantra GLS Sedan, color either mahogany or sinopia, with a taped up rear-view mirror and approximately 1/4 of a roll of masking tape on the dashboard."
I could never be a cop.
Someone: "Hey what kind of car do you drive?"
Me: "a blue one."
Someone: "Cool, what year is it?"
Me: "It's.....I don't know, I forgot to ask the guy."
Can you be a police officer if you are afraid of horses? No, but I bet some of them try to fake it.
"You're on horse patrol today."
"Ummm, okay. I'll meet you there."
Then later...
"WHERE WERE YOU? You never showed up to get on the horse."
"Oh I thought you meant we'd meet AT the parade."
"Are you stupid? You know we always meet at the secret underground police horse stable."
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Gee too bad I missed my chance to ride the horse."
"No you didn't, he's right behind you!"
"AHHH!"
Cops usually like to call you "sir." They would make good butlers. They dress neatly, show up for work on time, and are attentive to people's needs. Then again most butlers are murderers, so it would be a conflict of interest.
Some cops work "undercover." That means they get to dress up as somebody else. Then when they catch somebody doing something wrong, they say "a-HA! I wasn't REALLY a vagrant!" It's like Halloween and April Fools Day rolled into one, plus you get to throw somebody in jail at the end.
Police officers provide a huge variety of services. I wonder how they decide which cops get to do what stuff? "Officer 1, you'll be riding around in a patrol car all night. Officer 2, you'll be standing outside Tom Petty's door and guarding him. Officer 3, put this hat on and go pretend to look for hookers. Officer 4, an old lady may be dead in a retirement home bathtub. Go check it out. Officer 5, it's after 8pm. Go make sure nobody is still at the beach. Officer 6, go to a place where an ambulance and two fire trucks have already arrived and ask if there's anything you can do."
It is against the law to offer a policeman a bribe. Where is the line drawn there? If they show up at a suspect's house, can his elderly Italian mother be like "He's-a not here. But come IN! I made a nice-a manicotti. You boys are too THIN! Eat! EAT!"
or an artist in the park...
"While you were snooping around for people selling drugs, I sketched this portrait of you. I would like you to have it."
"That's a great portrait, sir, but no thanks."
"Come on, take it. It's you. No one else would want this."
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Posture
From the moment you are born, you are told that good posture is important.
Is it true?
YES! All the corrective braces and schooltime yardstick beatings are worth it in the long run. Think about it. Have you ever seen a person all bent and slouchy that is:
- Getting married?
- Taking an Oath of Office?
- Starring in a blockbuster action thriller?
No you have not. and those are some of the main things people want to DO!
Some other things they are left out of:
- Playing a harp on a stage
- Climbing a telephone pole just like the pros do
- Diving into water from heights
- Fencing
- Lording over the grill at family BBQs
- Being the front half of a two-person animal costume at Halloween
- Breakdancing
- Civil War re-enacting
- Being respected by co-workers
- Being waved at by a pretty girl that is hanging out the window of a train
- Working as a mall Santa
- Working as a mall Jesus
- Singing in barber shop quartets
- Being mistaken for celebrities
- Most sex stuff
- Human cannonballing (you won't fit right)
- Parades
This is not to say that you can't do ANYTHING in life if you don't have good posture. But, to be real, your options are pretty much limited to:
- Working at Arby's
- Sitting in the town square playing a flute to charm a snake
- Billiards
and good luck being able to buy/capture a flute or snake, by the way.
Is it true?
YES! All the corrective braces and schooltime yardstick beatings are worth it in the long run. Think about it. Have you ever seen a person all bent and slouchy that is:
- Getting married?
- Taking an Oath of Office?
- Starring in a blockbuster action thriller?
No you have not. and those are some of the main things people want to DO!
Some other things they are left out of:
- Playing a harp on a stage
- Climbing a telephone pole just like the pros do
- Diving into water from heights
- Fencing
- Lording over the grill at family BBQs
- Being the front half of a two-person animal costume at Halloween
- Breakdancing
- Civil War re-enacting
- Being respected by co-workers
- Being waved at by a pretty girl that is hanging out the window of a train
- Working as a mall Santa
- Working as a mall Jesus
- Singing in barber shop quartets
- Being mistaken for celebrities
- Most sex stuff
- Human cannonballing (you won't fit right)
- Parades
This is not to say that you can't do ANYTHING in life if you don't have good posture. But, to be real, your options are pretty much limited to:
- Working at Arby's
- Sitting in the town square playing a flute to charm a snake
- Billiards
and good luck being able to buy/capture a flute or snake, by the way.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Tiger Woods DIVORCED
Well the big news this past week was that Tiger Woods is now divorced. That's right ladies he's SINGLE. Watch for him on e-harmony.
So basically he went through all that counseling and sex addiction therapy for nothing. He can just start doing bad stuff again if he feels like it.
It's Tiger Woods Mark II, the loveable swinging bachelor. (Ha ha "swinging," get it? He plays golf.) With some careful repackaging, I think his popularity could once again skyrocket.
Some ideas:
- BLUE polo shirt instead of red
- Hang out with some well-respected luminaries, like Hank Aaron and Gary Shandling
- Tiger Woods: ANIMAL LOVER! He has only ever done bad stuff to people, never animals. So run with that. It would be like the opposite of what happened to Michael Vick. (and his name is TIGER! It's the perfect angle.)
- Lots of good-natured practical joking on the golf course, such as Bill Murray does
ATTENTION ALL GREAT MOVIE PRODUCERS: I am writing a movie script about the life of Tiger Woods. Parts of it will be X-rated, but that's okay. Problem is who can play Tiger Woods? Nobody looks like him. He may have to be computer-generated. His porn star mistresses can play themselves, unless they ask for lots of money. If they do that just hire some different bad ladies instead. James Earl Jones can play the ghost of his dead father.
Here is part of the script:
Dad: Shame on you, son. I was watching from heaven the whole time.
Tiger: WHAT?
Dad: That's right, I saw EVERYTHING.
Tiger: Give me guidance, father.
Dad: No. In fact I'm gonna appear and yell "BOO!" right in your ear next time you're attempting a tournament-winning putt.
Tiger: I guess I deserve that. Because of my sins.
Dad: For now I must go.
Tiger: WAIT. What is heaven like?
Dad: Not telling. Good-bye, son.
Tiger: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Then James Earl Jones DISAPPEARS, and Tiger Woods uses a golf club to smash all his material possessions in rage and shame. That's the turning point, though, and by the end of the movie he is good.
I will tell you more about the script when it is finished.
So basically he went through all that counseling and sex addiction therapy for nothing. He can just start doing bad stuff again if he feels like it.
It's Tiger Woods Mark II, the loveable swinging bachelor. (Ha ha "swinging," get it? He plays golf.) With some careful repackaging, I think his popularity could once again skyrocket.
Some ideas:
- BLUE polo shirt instead of red
- Hang out with some well-respected luminaries, like Hank Aaron and Gary Shandling
- Tiger Woods: ANIMAL LOVER! He has only ever done bad stuff to people, never animals. So run with that. It would be like the opposite of what happened to Michael Vick. (and his name is TIGER! It's the perfect angle.)
- Lots of good-natured practical joking on the golf course, such as Bill Murray does
ATTENTION ALL GREAT MOVIE PRODUCERS: I am writing a movie script about the life of Tiger Woods. Parts of it will be X-rated, but that's okay. Problem is who can play Tiger Woods? Nobody looks like him. He may have to be computer-generated. His porn star mistresses can play themselves, unless they ask for lots of money. If they do that just hire some different bad ladies instead. James Earl Jones can play the ghost of his dead father.
Here is part of the script:
Dad: Shame on you, son. I was watching from heaven the whole time.
Tiger: WHAT?
Dad: That's right, I saw EVERYTHING.
Tiger: Give me guidance, father.
Dad: No. In fact I'm gonna appear and yell "BOO!" right in your ear next time you're attempting a tournament-winning putt.
Tiger: I guess I deserve that. Because of my sins.
Dad: For now I must go.
Tiger: WAIT. What is heaven like?
Dad: Not telling. Good-bye, son.
Tiger: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Then James Earl Jones DISAPPEARS, and Tiger Woods uses a golf club to smash all his material possessions in rage and shame. That's the turning point, though, and by the end of the movie he is good.
I will tell you more about the script when it is finished.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Amusement parks
You're not allowed to go on the rides if you tend to get heart attacks. Imagine that scene, the roller coaster pulls back up and a dead guy is on it. Everyone still wants to get on, but now they have to wait. Person sitting next to the dead man all "I don't even know this guy! I just had nobody to ride with."
Some people are afraid of roller coasters. and other large rides that drop you from a height. But if you afraid of a ferris wheel, maaaaaaaaaaaaaan. That's some straight-up cowardice. and you can QUOTE me on that.
If you fall out of an amusement park ride, but wind up basically okay, don't sue. If you're good-natured about it they'll put your picture in the newspaper and stuff. "This guy fell out." Also, once you are able to stand, you should immediately get back in line and ride the thing again. Everyone would clap.
a lot of parks have people in animal costumes saying hello to all the children. This idea was stolen from Disney, but Disney steals most of its ideas from books, so they are in no position to complain. Since nobody likes child molesters, the people inside the costumes are usually cute college girls that are working as summer interns. I bring it up because one time I saw a hot lady getting her picture taken on the Tasmanian Devil's lap. Still not sure what to make of that.
When people go to amusement parks, they like to eat cotton candy. Cotton candy is not available in supermarkets or restaurants. You can only eat it outside and with a lot of people around. Fried dough is like that too. and snow cones. I guess the formula is to create something with a minimal number of ingredients that people can eat with their hands.
Some ideas:
- Frosted pancakes
- a big slab of ground, fried corn (like a giant Dorito)
If you want a beer at the amusement park, you normally have to remain inside a designated section. The "Beer Garden" or whatever. It's like the world coolest jail. You only have to stay there for five minutes and you get to drink alcohol the whole time.
What's left to accomplish if you're an amusement park designer? How about some COMBINATIONS? Like a roller coaster on which you also somehow get wet, or one where you get off at the TOP, and then there's a teacup ride up there. Then you get back on the coaster and it takes you down, and you break through a big paper banner that says "CONGRATULATIONS!" Some balloons and confetti at the end would be a nice touch, too.
Some people are afraid of roller coasters. and other large rides that drop you from a height. But if you afraid of a ferris wheel, maaaaaaaaaaaaaan. That's some straight-up cowardice. and you can QUOTE me on that.
If you fall out of an amusement park ride, but wind up basically okay, don't sue. If you're good-natured about it they'll put your picture in the newspaper and stuff. "This guy fell out." Also, once you are able to stand, you should immediately get back in line and ride the thing again. Everyone would clap.
a lot of parks have people in animal costumes saying hello to all the children. This idea was stolen from Disney, but Disney steals most of its ideas from books, so they are in no position to complain. Since nobody likes child molesters, the people inside the costumes are usually cute college girls that are working as summer interns. I bring it up because one time I saw a hot lady getting her picture taken on the Tasmanian Devil's lap. Still not sure what to make of that.
When people go to amusement parks, they like to eat cotton candy. Cotton candy is not available in supermarkets or restaurants. You can only eat it outside and with a lot of people around. Fried dough is like that too. and snow cones. I guess the formula is to create something with a minimal number of ingredients that people can eat with their hands.
Some ideas:
- Frosted pancakes
- a big slab of ground, fried corn (like a giant Dorito)
If you want a beer at the amusement park, you normally have to remain inside a designated section. The "Beer Garden" or whatever. It's like the world coolest jail. You only have to stay there for five minutes and you get to drink alcohol the whole time.
What's left to accomplish if you're an amusement park designer? How about some COMBINATIONS? Like a roller coaster on which you also somehow get wet, or one where you get off at the TOP, and then there's a teacup ride up there. Then you get back on the coaster and it takes you down, and you break through a big paper banner that says "CONGRATULATIONS!" Some balloons and confetti at the end would be a nice touch, too.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Sick of "BACK TO SCHOOL" commercials
I've been seeing these since mid-July. CALM DOWN. It ain't damn Christmas.
and much like Christmas, every store wants in on it. "Toys R Us, your home for all your back to school needs." Really? ALL? I bet you don't have a COMPASS. and I don't think people need a home for back to school needs. You only need a certain, small number of "homes" in your life. a regular home, maybe a summer home, and a home for local news. That's about it. The rest of the time you can get by just roaming around.
"Pizza Hut, the place to eat after back to school shopping!" No it ain't.
"CVS Pharmacy: Don't forget to buy plenty of back to school MEDICINE!"
All you need for school is a pen and some paper. I went there, that's basically all I ever used. Yet kids are given this list of about 100 things they are supposed to buy. "You need a highlighter, a protractor, rainbow stickers with your name on them, some Kleenex, a little shoe-shine kit, etc." Shut-up. What would happen if a kid rebelled and refused to buy something?
"Martin Anthony Lombardi, where is your RULER?"
"I didn't buy one."
"We are all trying to draw a STRAIGHT LINE! How can you draw a straight line without a RULER?!"
"My plan was to just use the edge of my book."
Teacher screeches like a dragon, and a moment later Martin Anthony Lombardi is headless.
(I made that name up out of nowhere, but doesn't it sound real? Like an actual kid that would be in school?)
and where do you put all this junk that you buy? INSIDE the desk. That's so clever. That system would not work for adult desks, though. Too much coffee would get spilled.
The best thing kids get to pick out is a lunchbox. That is such a commitment. No changing your mind in the middle of November. "But I don't LIKE Hangin' with Mr. Cooper anymore!"
I have not used a protractor in real life even ONE TIME. I use a compass but not in the manner it was meant to be used. It's great for fine-tuning your Jack-o-Lantern.
and much like Christmas, every store wants in on it. "Toys R Us, your home for all your back to school needs." Really? ALL? I bet you don't have a COMPASS. and I don't think people need a home for back to school needs. You only need a certain, small number of "homes" in your life. a regular home, maybe a summer home, and a home for local news. That's about it. The rest of the time you can get by just roaming around.
"Pizza Hut, the place to eat after back to school shopping!" No it ain't.
"CVS Pharmacy: Don't forget to buy plenty of back to school MEDICINE!"
All you need for school is a pen and some paper. I went there, that's basically all I ever used. Yet kids are given this list of about 100 things they are supposed to buy. "You need a highlighter, a protractor, rainbow stickers with your name on them, some Kleenex, a little shoe-shine kit, etc." Shut-up. What would happen if a kid rebelled and refused to buy something?
"Martin Anthony Lombardi, where is your RULER?"
"I didn't buy one."
"We are all trying to draw a STRAIGHT LINE! How can you draw a straight line without a RULER?!"
"My plan was to just use the edge of my book."
Teacher screeches like a dragon, and a moment later Martin Anthony Lombardi is headless.
(I made that name up out of nowhere, but doesn't it sound real? Like an actual kid that would be in school?)
and where do you put all this junk that you buy? INSIDE the desk. That's so clever. That system would not work for adult desks, though. Too much coffee would get spilled.
The best thing kids get to pick out is a lunchbox. That is such a commitment. No changing your mind in the middle of November. "But I don't LIKE Hangin' with Mr. Cooper anymore!"
I have not used a protractor in real life even ONE TIME. I use a compass but not in the manner it was meant to be used. It's great for fine-tuning your Jack-o-Lantern.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Texting while driving
The hugest problem ever. How do we stop it? It's almost impossible to catch somebody. Texting in the car is such a subtle crime, like eating grapes at the supermarket or looking at boobs for too long.
It is up to nerds and scientists, as usual, to come up with some TECHNOLOGY that makes texting while driving undesirable. Maybe a microchip embedded in your license plate that sends the text right to the cops along with your driver's license ID. Then another microchip causes the car to stall, and you have 60 seconds to get out before it EXPLODES.
What is the subject matter of all these texts? Is it like a modern CB radio? Are people emulating "Smokey and the Bandit?"
More likely it's lives being risked for the sake of the MOST BORING CONVERSATIONS EVER.
Idiot 1: where u at
Idiot 2: my car
Idiot 1: cool want 2 hang out
Idiot 2: ok
Idiot 1: cool what shirt can i wear
Idiot 2: a blue 1
Idiot 1: cool
or maybe I'm totally wrong and there are special important debates taking place between texters as they weave in and out of high speed lanes.
Scientist 1: got 2 act now b4 global warming cauz dmg
Scientist 2: ?
Scientist 1: ppl got 2 b real
Scientist 2: y?
Scientist 1: ice caps meltin bears dyin no mo coral reefs we b doomed
Scientist 2: lol fuk u
Some other things that distract people while driving:
- GIRLS (either the nagging kind inside the car or the good-looking kind outside the car)
- Billboards
- Fireworks
- Animals running in and out of the road
- Helicopters
- Kites
- Falling rocks
- People sitting next to you in the car reciting inane conspiracy theories
- DVDs
- Corn
- National monuments
- Spongebob waving at you
- Hot coffee spilled in the lap
- Blowing garbage
- The Alphabet Game
- Cops
Back to the CB thing, why didn't Boss Hogg just make CB radios illegal? They were not hands-free. He would've nabbed those Duke Boys for certain! "Research has shown that drivers operating a CB radio in the car tend to be the cause or victim of one or more car crashes per day." He'd have been totally justified.
The police would still be able to use them, for law enforcement purposes. They could text too.
Boss Hogg: roscoe did u catch the dukes?
Roscoe: no
Boss Hogg: y?
Roscoe: stuck in swamp, brb
Boss Hogg: dip-stick!
Roscoe: >:(
It is up to nerds and scientists, as usual, to come up with some TECHNOLOGY that makes texting while driving undesirable. Maybe a microchip embedded in your license plate that sends the text right to the cops along with your driver's license ID. Then another microchip causes the car to stall, and you have 60 seconds to get out before it EXPLODES.
What is the subject matter of all these texts? Is it like a modern CB radio? Are people emulating "Smokey and the Bandit?"
More likely it's lives being risked for the sake of the MOST BORING CONVERSATIONS EVER.
Idiot 1: where u at
Idiot 2: my car
Idiot 1: cool want 2 hang out
Idiot 2: ok
Idiot 1: cool what shirt can i wear
Idiot 2: a blue 1
Idiot 1: cool
or maybe I'm totally wrong and there are special important debates taking place between texters as they weave in and out of high speed lanes.
Scientist 1: got 2 act now b4 global warming cauz dmg
Scientist 2: ?
Scientist 1: ppl got 2 b real
Scientist 2: y?
Scientist 1: ice caps meltin bears dyin no mo coral reefs we b doomed
Scientist 2: lol fuk u
Some other things that distract people while driving:
- GIRLS (either the nagging kind inside the car or the good-looking kind outside the car)
- Billboards
- Fireworks
- Animals running in and out of the road
- Helicopters
- Kites
- Falling rocks
- People sitting next to you in the car reciting inane conspiracy theories
- DVDs
- Corn
- National monuments
- Spongebob waving at you
- Hot coffee spilled in the lap
- Blowing garbage
- The Alphabet Game
- Cops
Back to the CB thing, why didn't Boss Hogg just make CB radios illegal? They were not hands-free. He would've nabbed those Duke Boys for certain! "Research has shown that drivers operating a CB radio in the car tend to be the cause or victim of one or more car crashes per day." He'd have been totally justified.
The police would still be able to use them, for law enforcement purposes. They could text too.
Boss Hogg: roscoe did u catch the dukes?
Roscoe: no
Boss Hogg: y?
Roscoe: stuck in swamp, brb
Boss Hogg: dip-stick!
Roscoe: >:(
Friday, July 30, 2010
Boston Market
Almost everybody likes to eat dinner. Problem is, not everybody can cook. There used to not be too many options for kitchen incompetents craving a home-cooked meal. They had to either hire a personal chef, or else just show up at someone's house right as dinner was about to be served (the "Fonzie" technique).
Then in the 1990s, Boston Market exploded onto the scene.
Have you been eating nothing but burgers and pizza? or hitting the Taco Bell drive-thru three times a day? Now you can stop and pick up some homestyle meatloaf and mashed potatoes on the way home.
I say homeSTYLE because it is definitely not homeMADE. If you haven't been to Boston Market yet, imagine what would happen if the staff at McDonalds tried to cook a Thanksgiving turkey. Using ingredients that were delivered in a truck. (If that idea appeals to you, they do now offer catering, by the way.)
Of course the main thing Boston Market is known for is the chicken. Because when you think of Boston, naturally you think of chicken. It is the crown jewel of Massachusetts cuisine, along with cheesy grits and shoe fly pie.
Ever since the big Jared craze, most fast food outlets nowadays try to offer customers a healthier alternative. Taco Bell has the "Drive-Thru Diet" menu. KFC will grill your chicken instead of frying it. Even McDonalds now serves apples to millions of disappointed children.
Not to be outdone, Boston Market has changed things up as well. Except instead of going low-salt or low-fat, they now offer customers the opportunity to "get it saucy," which means that you can have your chicken slathered in one of five disgusting-looking sauces. To be fair, I haven't actually tried them. But judging from the commercial they look like they were only meant to have a nugget or other by-product dipped into them. Are there people that want "Island Mojo" sauce on their ENTIRE ROTISSERIE BIRD?
You can also have the new sauces added to any menu item you wish. I guess this is out of consideration for pregnant ladies. Sometimes you just get a craving for BBQ sauce on your creamed spinach. When this happens, Boston Market is happy to meet your needs.
So what's my verdict on Boston Market? I officially rate them as "could be worse!" The name has got to go, though. People usually don't like Boston unless they live there. You know, because of the Patriots and accents. They should made a subtle change to "Boss M." Then later "The Boss!"
Hungry Family: What's for dinner?
Working Mom: I picked up some Waffle Wraps and Meatloaf Dippers from the Boss!
Hungry Family: Hooray!
(Waffle Wraps and Meatloaf Dippers TM 2010, Captain Dan)
Then in the 1990s, Boston Market exploded onto the scene.
Have you been eating nothing but burgers and pizza? or hitting the Taco Bell drive-thru three times a day? Now you can stop and pick up some homestyle meatloaf and mashed potatoes on the way home.
I say homeSTYLE because it is definitely not homeMADE. If you haven't been to Boston Market yet, imagine what would happen if the staff at McDonalds tried to cook a Thanksgiving turkey. Using ingredients that were delivered in a truck. (If that idea appeals to you, they do now offer catering, by the way.)
Of course the main thing Boston Market is known for is the chicken. Because when you think of Boston, naturally you think of chicken. It is the crown jewel of Massachusetts cuisine, along with cheesy grits and shoe fly pie.
Ever since the big Jared craze, most fast food outlets nowadays try to offer customers a healthier alternative. Taco Bell has the "Drive-Thru Diet" menu. KFC will grill your chicken instead of frying it. Even McDonalds now serves apples to millions of disappointed children.
Not to be outdone, Boston Market has changed things up as well. Except instead of going low-salt or low-fat, they now offer customers the opportunity to "get it saucy," which means that you can have your chicken slathered in one of five disgusting-looking sauces. To be fair, I haven't actually tried them. But judging from the commercial they look like they were only meant to have a nugget or other by-product dipped into them. Are there people that want "Island Mojo" sauce on their ENTIRE ROTISSERIE BIRD?
You can also have the new sauces added to any menu item you wish. I guess this is out of consideration for pregnant ladies. Sometimes you just get a craving for BBQ sauce on your creamed spinach. When this happens, Boston Market is happy to meet your needs.
So what's my verdict on Boston Market? I officially rate them as "could be worse!" The name has got to go, though. People usually don't like Boston unless they live there. You know, because of the Patriots and accents. They should made a subtle change to "Boss M." Then later "The Boss!"
Hungry Family: What's for dinner?
Working Mom: I picked up some Waffle Wraps and Meatloaf Dippers from the Boss!
Hungry Family: Hooray!
(Waffle Wraps and Meatloaf Dippers TM 2010, Captain Dan)
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Scrooge McDuck
Lots of problems with this guy. First of all, his name is "Scrooge." What the fuck? Have you ever had or been a baby? You don't name a kid that.
and then even the last name. "McDuck." There's Donald DUCK, Daisy DUCK, Huey Dewey and Louie DUCK, and then suddenly Scrooge MCduck. Where did he get that? He's a RELATIVE.
(Donald and Daisy same last name? Are they married? or is that why they CAN'T marry? Curious.)
So I figured Scrooge McDuck was only invented to be the main character in the Disney version of "A Christmas Carol." Nope. He was actually around for about half a century before that, appearing in comic books (there were Disney comic books?) until they finally decided to do the Christmas thing and have Scrooge play Scrooge. Someone at Disney must have been like "Who can play Scrooge? Oh wait we just happen to have a SCROOGE McDuck! Perfect."
By the way, the Disney version is officially titled "Mickey's Christmas Carol." WHAT? How about "Scrooge McDuck's Christmas Carol?" Total Richie/Fonzie situation right there.
So basically Scrooge McDuck was a JERK, then the Christmas Carol stuff happened, so he became a nice guy and went on to star in "Duck Tales." Problem there is that "A Christmas Carol" is set in the 1800s so hmmmm. Was the Disney version supposed to be in the 1980s? He wasn't watching TV in it. Nobody was wearing a headband or a Flashdance sweatshirt.
Scrooge McDuck liked to swim in his mountain of gold coins. Try doing that. I know that ducks are good swimmers but geez. Pretty fake.
Why does Donald Duck dress like that? Isn't he in the military? I have never seen a Naval officer wearing a gigantic red bow tie. Then again I was never in the Navy. Do they also tend to not wear pants? Goofy was always fully dressed. He's another one whose parents stuck him with quite the name.
Poor Goofy, he never had a chance.
and then even the last name. "McDuck." There's Donald DUCK, Daisy DUCK, Huey Dewey and Louie DUCK, and then suddenly Scrooge MCduck. Where did he get that? He's a RELATIVE.
(Donald and Daisy same last name? Are they married? or is that why they CAN'T marry? Curious.)
So I figured Scrooge McDuck was only invented to be the main character in the Disney version of "A Christmas Carol." Nope. He was actually around for about half a century before that, appearing in comic books (there were Disney comic books?) until they finally decided to do the Christmas thing and have Scrooge play Scrooge. Someone at Disney must have been like "Who can play Scrooge? Oh wait we just happen to have a SCROOGE McDuck! Perfect."
By the way, the Disney version is officially titled "Mickey's Christmas Carol." WHAT? How about "Scrooge McDuck's Christmas Carol?" Total Richie/Fonzie situation right there.
So basically Scrooge McDuck was a JERK, then the Christmas Carol stuff happened, so he became a nice guy and went on to star in "Duck Tales." Problem there is that "A Christmas Carol" is set in the 1800s so hmmmm. Was the Disney version supposed to be in the 1980s? He wasn't watching TV in it. Nobody was wearing a headband or a Flashdance sweatshirt.
Scrooge McDuck liked to swim in his mountain of gold coins. Try doing that. I know that ducks are good swimmers but geez. Pretty fake.
Why does Donald Duck dress like that? Isn't he in the military? I have never seen a Naval officer wearing a gigantic red bow tie. Then again I was never in the Navy. Do they also tend to not wear pants? Goofy was always fully dressed. He's another one whose parents stuck him with quite the name.
Poor Goofy, he never had a chance.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Oil leak plugged!
Well they finally did it. and it only took half a year. But the oil leak is plugged, and somewhere in our lifetime it will be safe to use the Gulf again. Hopefully there is still some oil left in the earth.
Always one to turn a negative into a positive, I think MAYBE we can salvage some good from this mess if we use it as a reminder to not be wasteful. We only get to ever have one environment, at least until moon times come. So we have to be careful not to cause waste and work together to protect and preserve what we still have. How can YOU help? Well, I'm sure if you look around your home or business or snoop around in your neighbor's yard you will discover a lot of wasteful elements in our culture. Here are some examples.
#1 there are a lot of wastes of PAPER. Who in hell still needs a phone book? Old people, and they're gonna die soon anyway. Look at how big and heavy a phone book is. It probably takes a whole tree to make just ONE. That is not right. Also why are computer magazines still being published? Nobody is reading about computers in a magazine, including computer nerds. They just read stuff on computers instead. So, get them out. (The magazines, not the nerds. Nerds are needed, like it or not.)
We also need to stop wasting FOOD. Restaurants should stop making those huge trays of desserts that nobody eats. Watermelon-eating contests are unnecessary, stop having them. If you build a snowman, use a button for the nose, not a carrot. If you spill milk, you SHOULD cry over it.
Let's get rid of pennies! They are a waste of copper. We could be making PIPES with that.
and most of all, people should stop wasting fossil fuels.They are NON-RENEWABLE. That means you only get so much, like back when restaurants used to not refill sodas and you had to make it last.
For more information on how to help save the environment, contact your local hippie.
For information on moon colonies, e-mail me.
Always one to turn a negative into a positive, I think MAYBE we can salvage some good from this mess if we use it as a reminder to not be wasteful. We only get to ever have one environment, at least until moon times come. So we have to be careful not to cause waste and work together to protect and preserve what we still have. How can YOU help? Well, I'm sure if you look around your home or business or snoop around in your neighbor's yard you will discover a lot of wasteful elements in our culture. Here are some examples.
#1 there are a lot of wastes of PAPER. Who in hell still needs a phone book? Old people, and they're gonna die soon anyway. Look at how big and heavy a phone book is. It probably takes a whole tree to make just ONE. That is not right. Also why are computer magazines still being published? Nobody is reading about computers in a magazine, including computer nerds. They just read stuff on computers instead. So, get them out. (The magazines, not the nerds. Nerds are needed, like it or not.)
We also need to stop wasting FOOD. Restaurants should stop making those huge trays of desserts that nobody eats. Watermelon-eating contests are unnecessary, stop having them. If you build a snowman, use a button for the nose, not a carrot. If you spill milk, you SHOULD cry over it.
Let's get rid of pennies! They are a waste of copper. We could be making PIPES with that.
and most of all, people should stop wasting fossil fuels.They are NON-RENEWABLE. That means you only get so much, like back when restaurants used to not refill sodas and you had to make it last.
For more information on how to help save the environment, contact your local hippie.
For information on moon colonies, e-mail me.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Latest opinions and facts
Rock stars like to fake being done. Other jobs can't do that. Imagine a police officer questioning a bunch of suspects. Then you clap and he questions another one.
Dogs don't know any hiccup cures. They just have to wait. You can TRY sneaking up on a dog and popping a paper bag behind its head I guess, but I bet you won't be able to pull it off. If you do, youtube it though.
Old people can't open jars. But they all have really hard-to-open medicine bottles. They have no physical strength, but they have secret old person finesse. That's why they are still allowed to be President sometimes.
On birthdays you eat cake. On holidays you eat pie. I want a pudding occasion. If you get fired from your job everyone should come over with pudding. You'll need it.
Cereal prizes are way different than they used to be. You open cereal and get 500 free hours of internet service that you don't want or need. or a "People That Lost on American Idol" CD. It used to be better stuff, like stickers and decoder rings. Change it back.
Cow-tipping is frowned upon for a lot of reasons, but sexism is not one of them. It should be. Nobody tips a bull.
VCRs were considered difficult to program. Now they are obsolete. I don't like that some people got away with never learning. They should have to teach it in school, like how they still teach long division and cursive writing. "Why do we have to learn this?" Wouldn't work out though because even the teachers never knew. The VCR in class was always blinking "12:00." The only people that could program VCRs were astronauts and certain scientists.
Birds get spooked too easily. All happy, about to eat a worm, then you walk nearby and they fly about one-hundred miles away. Imagine that, about to eat a hamburger and within seconds you sprint halfway across the state. Hamburger totally not around, you're never getting it back.
Why is belly-flopping into the pool not considered an actual sport? Cannonballing too. Who determined that it was only okay to hit the water in certain ways? It's all skill. Let's radically change up the world of competitive diving. Some stuffy guy wearing a suit and tie in a diving rules office would be so mad.
Dogs don't know any hiccup cures. They just have to wait. You can TRY sneaking up on a dog and popping a paper bag behind its head I guess, but I bet you won't be able to pull it off. If you do, youtube it though.
Old people can't open jars. But they all have really hard-to-open medicine bottles. They have no physical strength, but they have secret old person finesse. That's why they are still allowed to be President sometimes.
On birthdays you eat cake. On holidays you eat pie. I want a pudding occasion. If you get fired from your job everyone should come over with pudding. You'll need it.
Cereal prizes are way different than they used to be. You open cereal and get 500 free hours of internet service that you don't want or need. or a "People That Lost on American Idol" CD. It used to be better stuff, like stickers and decoder rings. Change it back.
Cow-tipping is frowned upon for a lot of reasons, but sexism is not one of them. It should be. Nobody tips a bull.
VCRs were considered difficult to program. Now they are obsolete. I don't like that some people got away with never learning. They should have to teach it in school, like how they still teach long division and cursive writing. "Why do we have to learn this?" Wouldn't work out though because even the teachers never knew. The VCR in class was always blinking "12:00." The only people that could program VCRs were astronauts and certain scientists.
Birds get spooked too easily. All happy, about to eat a worm, then you walk nearby and they fly about one-hundred miles away. Imagine that, about to eat a hamburger and within seconds you sprint halfway across the state. Hamburger totally not around, you're never getting it back.
Why is belly-flopping into the pool not considered an actual sport? Cannonballing too. Who determined that it was only okay to hit the water in certain ways? It's all skill. Let's radically change up the world of competitive diving. Some stuffy guy wearing a suit and tie in a diving rules office would be so mad.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
The Founding Fathers
Well, once again it is the 4th of July. America's most injurious holiday. But it is NOT just about people getting their heads blown off in fireworks mishaps. It is a celebration of our INDEPENDENCE. Here's a quick rundown of the people who made it possible.
George Washington
The first President! Best known for having wooden teeth. Really think about that for a second. Eating corn on the cob or Jolly Ranchers with wooden teeth. Teeth that you could set on FIRE if you wanted to. (Nickname: G-Money.)
Thomas Jefferson
The THIRD President. Best known for being very patient. He sent his minions Lewis and Clark to find the parts of America that weren't known or cared about yet. The results were disappointing.
"What did you find?"
"Oregon."
He died on the 4th of July, but amazingly it was not fireworks-related. (Nickname: Tom the Bomb.)
Benjamin Franklin
This guy was a pimp. He put Tiger Woods to shame. He also invented almost everything, including electricity and mail. For some reason he was never the President, but that's okay. He tried his best. (Nickname: B-Frank.)
Betsy Ross
Made the flag. She did not sign the Declaration of Independence because women were not allowed to sign things back then. It was probably for the best because women's signatures never look too official. All those unnecessary loops and hearts. Some people say that she didn't make the flag REALLY, but those people should shut-up. What, is Santa Claus dead too? (Nickname: None, she was a girl.)
Mark Twain
Not actually a Founding Father. But still a great man. He wrote Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn, and a way-less-popular version of the Bible that got thrown out. He is also considered to be one of the first COMEDIANS, but he died before comedy was popular. (Nickname: Sammy.)
Alexander Hamilton
Got drunk at a party and was talking shit about a guy named "Aaron Burr," who had been getting trounced in various Presidential and Gubernatiorial elections. With nothing left to lose, Aaron Burr was like "Oh YEAH, let's have a DUEL big-mouth!" and Alexander Hamilton was like "Fine." So they went to New Jersey one morning and did the thing. There was a brief conversation.
"Ready to DUEL you JERK?"
"Yes, you IDIOT."
"I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU."
"Not if I shoot you FIRST."
"YOU ARE MAKING ME MAD!"
"Calm down."
"NEVER!"
Then they fired. Hamilton shot a tree, Burr shot Hamilton. But Aaron Burr ain't never been on money, so who REALLY won? (The answer: Burr.)
Alexander Hamilton was also the first ever Secretary of the TREASURY, but did not steal. George Washington always counted the money when his shift was over, and it was right every time. (Nickname: Hambone.)
For more information on the Founding Fathers you can go to wikipedia or school.
Enjoy the 4th! But let's all be SAFE. No throwing firecrackers in the potato salad. No sparkler jousts.
George Washington
The first President! Best known for having wooden teeth. Really think about that for a second. Eating corn on the cob or Jolly Ranchers with wooden teeth. Teeth that you could set on FIRE if you wanted to. (Nickname: G-Money.)
Thomas Jefferson
The THIRD President. Best known for being very patient. He sent his minions Lewis and Clark to find the parts of America that weren't known or cared about yet. The results were disappointing.
"What did you find?"
"Oregon."
He died on the 4th of July, but amazingly it was not fireworks-related. (Nickname: Tom the Bomb.)
Benjamin Franklin
This guy was a pimp. He put Tiger Woods to shame. He also invented almost everything, including electricity and mail. For some reason he was never the President, but that's okay. He tried his best. (Nickname: B-Frank.)
Betsy Ross
Made the flag. She did not sign the Declaration of Independence because women were not allowed to sign things back then. It was probably for the best because women's signatures never look too official. All those unnecessary loops and hearts. Some people say that she didn't make the flag REALLY, but those people should shut-up. What, is Santa Claus dead too? (Nickname: None, she was a girl.)
Mark Twain
Not actually a Founding Father. But still a great man. He wrote Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn, and a way-less-popular version of the Bible that got thrown out. He is also considered to be one of the first COMEDIANS, but he died before comedy was popular. (Nickname: Sammy.)
Alexander Hamilton
Got drunk at a party and was talking shit about a guy named "Aaron Burr," who had been getting trounced in various Presidential and Gubernatiorial elections. With nothing left to lose, Aaron Burr was like "Oh YEAH, let's have a DUEL big-mouth!" and Alexander Hamilton was like "Fine." So they went to New Jersey one morning and did the thing. There was a brief conversation.
"Ready to DUEL you JERK?"
"Yes, you IDIOT."
"I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU."
"Not if I shoot you FIRST."
"YOU ARE MAKING ME MAD!"
"Calm down."
"NEVER!"
Then they fired. Hamilton shot a tree, Burr shot Hamilton. But Aaron Burr ain't never been on money, so who REALLY won? (The answer: Burr.)
Alexander Hamilton was also the first ever Secretary of the TREASURY, but did not steal. George Washington always counted the money when his shift was over, and it was right every time. (Nickname: Hambone.)
For more information on the Founding Fathers you can go to wikipedia or school.
Enjoy the 4th! But let's all be SAFE. No throwing firecrackers in the potato salad. No sparkler jousts.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Soccer
Well for the better part of last week, half of Americans were actually getting into soccer. To their credit, the other half remained steadfast against it. These were mostly 20-somethings that wear hoodies in the summer and think everything "sucks," and also super American sports guys that watch full three-hour basketball games.
Anyway, whether you watched or didn't watch, if you're American you probably didn't know what was going on. So now I will tell you all about soccer.
Soccer was invented by ancient Chinese warriors that would kick around the heads of their vanquished foes to celebrate winning a battle. Eventually they made a game out of it with actual rules and stuff. and they all had hot moms for some reason. To this day, the tradition has continued, but it's a bit more structured.
If you incur a penalty in soccer, you are given a "card." There are yellow cards, red cards, and black cards. The yellow card is for a minor offense like tripping. If it's something more serious, like punching, you get a red card. The red card means you're kicked out of the game. If you do something REALLY bad you get the black card, which means you're banned from soccer for life. So far no one has ever received the black card.
The EXCITEMENT in soccer comes when somebody scores a goal. This usually happens one or no times per game. It's sort of like staring at an egg waiting for a baby chick to hatch. You wait for a long time and nothing happens, but when it finally DOES happen, woo boy!
Another thing about soccer is that they never stop the clock. They just play the whole half with no commercial breaks. Nobody can go to the bathroom! Also there's no time for the t-shirt cannon, kiss cam, mascot dance-off, sausage race, mule waterslide, etc. So yeah, Americans don't like it.
Do any countries like soccer LESS than America? Yes. The Dominican Republic, Canada, and the Vatican.
I am working on another script for Disney in which a cartoon animal is really good at soccer. The gag would be that he (or she!) has no legs, so he can only play with his head. But I haven't found the right animal yet. a snail? Too slow. a snake maybe? Fish and dolphins won't work.
Maybe instead of soccer it should be about a REALLY FAST snail that wins a RACE.
Idea overload. Any input, get back at me.
Anyway, whether you watched or didn't watch, if you're American you probably didn't know what was going on. So now I will tell you all about soccer.
Soccer was invented by ancient Chinese warriors that would kick around the heads of their vanquished foes to celebrate winning a battle. Eventually they made a game out of it with actual rules and stuff. and they all had hot moms for some reason. To this day, the tradition has continued, but it's a bit more structured.
If you incur a penalty in soccer, you are given a "card." There are yellow cards, red cards, and black cards. The yellow card is for a minor offense like tripping. If it's something more serious, like punching, you get a red card. The red card means you're kicked out of the game. If you do something REALLY bad you get the black card, which means you're banned from soccer for life. So far no one has ever received the black card.
The EXCITEMENT in soccer comes when somebody scores a goal. This usually happens one or no times per game. It's sort of like staring at an egg waiting for a baby chick to hatch. You wait for a long time and nothing happens, but when it finally DOES happen, woo boy!
Another thing about soccer is that they never stop the clock. They just play the whole half with no commercial breaks. Nobody can go to the bathroom! Also there's no time for the t-shirt cannon, kiss cam, mascot dance-off, sausage race, mule waterslide, etc. So yeah, Americans don't like it.
Do any countries like soccer LESS than America? Yes. The Dominican Republic, Canada, and the Vatican.
I am working on another script for Disney in which a cartoon animal is really good at soccer. The gag would be that he (or she!) has no legs, so he can only play with his head. But I haven't found the right animal yet. a snail? Too slow. a snake maybe? Fish and dolphins won't work.
Maybe instead of soccer it should be about a REALLY FAST snail that wins a RACE.
Idea overload. Any input, get back at me.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Oil spill STILL NOT CLEANED UP
Come on already. Everyone is getting upset.
What's up with England? They are like a little goof-off brother that we're always having to bail out of trouble. England had a fight with mom so she kicked it out of the house, and now it needs to crash on your couch for a few days. England got a DUI and can't drive itself to work at Gamestop anymore so you have to give it a lift. England forgot grandma's birthday, so you had to add its name to the card.
So why do we put up with them? I think it's the music. All those great British invasion tunes are like your little brother's baby pictures. "Hey remember this? I'm not so bad."
Maybe the solution is peer pressure. Ireland, Scotland, and that other one never cause any trouble. Well I mean they fight and bomb each other all the time but at least they keep it in-house. They should get England to be more like them. How come oil never gets spilled on Big Ben? Why is there never taxation without representation at the Piccadilly Circus? Yeah just sit there sipping your ENGLISH tea while AMERICAN manatees are coated in YOUR oil. Pip pip, cheerio.
How to make it up to us?
First of all I demand to see the guards laugh. You know the ones, the fuzzy hat guys. and no laughing at British "humour," make them watch Seinfeld.
Secondly, your "Queen" should be forced to pose for pictures with our Burger "King," just to prove once and for all that the two of them have about equal power and influence in the world.
By the way don't ever go to the Piccadilly Circus. There's no tightrope or elephants or anything.
What's up with England? They are like a little goof-off brother that we're always having to bail out of trouble. England had a fight with mom so she kicked it out of the house, and now it needs to crash on your couch for a few days. England got a DUI and can't drive itself to work at Gamestop anymore so you have to give it a lift. England forgot grandma's birthday, so you had to add its name to the card.
So why do we put up with them? I think it's the music. All those great British invasion tunes are like your little brother's baby pictures. "Hey remember this? I'm not so bad."
Maybe the solution is peer pressure. Ireland, Scotland, and that other one never cause any trouble. Well I mean they fight and bomb each other all the time but at least they keep it in-house. They should get England to be more like them. How come oil never gets spilled on Big Ben? Why is there never taxation without representation at the Piccadilly Circus? Yeah just sit there sipping your ENGLISH tea while AMERICAN manatees are coated in YOUR oil. Pip pip, cheerio.
How to make it up to us?
First of all I demand to see the guards laugh. You know the ones, the fuzzy hat guys. and no laughing at British "humour," make them watch Seinfeld.
Secondly, your "Queen" should be forced to pose for pictures with our Burger "King," just to prove once and for all that the two of them have about equal power and influence in the world.
By the way don't ever go to the Piccadilly Circus. There's no tightrope or elephants or anything.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Why is every mailman afraid of dogs?
Hey if you don't like dogs, don't take that job! They are always gonna be around. It's like a park ranger being afraid of bees, or a rodeo champion being afraid of clowns.
Simple quiz for anyone that wants to be a mailman. If a strange dog comes up to you, do you:
a) Run away
b) Hit it with your bag of mail
c) LET IT SNIFF YOUR HAND PEACEFULLY
d) None of the above
The correct answer is c. If you don't get that right then sorry but you can't be a mailman.
I wonder if there is a mailman that is the exception to the rule. One that walks around acting badass and if a dog barks at him he doesn't even care. or if there's a barking dog in his path he lets out a big warrior cry and charges. He has battle scars, but is proud of them.
What is it about the mailman that makes dogs want to maul him? Other people come over to your house and the dog is good. Then suddenly, "Hey is that guy carrying a MAGAZINE? Kill!"
Luckily for the mailman, dogs never have a good attack strategy. No stealth. If they really want to "get" the mailman, they should hide behind a tree or something. Lurk in the bushes wearing a hat made out of leaves. But nope. Dogs would never win a war.
and what if some stray dog accidentally got loose in the post office somehow? That could get ugly. My hope is that all the mailmen would start barking at the dog until they ran him off. High fives all around.
Simple quiz for anyone that wants to be a mailman. If a strange dog comes up to you, do you:
a) Run away
b) Hit it with your bag of mail
c) LET IT SNIFF YOUR HAND PEACEFULLY
d) None of the above
The correct answer is c. If you don't get that right then sorry but you can't be a mailman.
I wonder if there is a mailman that is the exception to the rule. One that walks around acting badass and if a dog barks at him he doesn't even care. or if there's a barking dog in his path he lets out a big warrior cry and charges. He has battle scars, but is proud of them.
What is it about the mailman that makes dogs want to maul him? Other people come over to your house and the dog is good. Then suddenly, "Hey is that guy carrying a MAGAZINE? Kill!"
Luckily for the mailman, dogs never have a good attack strategy. No stealth. If they really want to "get" the mailman, they should hide behind a tree or something. Lurk in the bushes wearing a hat made out of leaves. But nope. Dogs would never win a war.
and what if some stray dog accidentally got loose in the post office somehow? That could get ugly. My hope is that all the mailmen would start barking at the dog until they ran him off. High fives all around.
Friday, June 4, 2010
People still writing checks
(or "cheques," if you're Canadian)
So I was at the liquor store this morning (yes morning, don't judge) and the lady in front of me decided to pay with a check. It was no big deal because of I am VERY PATIENT but the cashier was like "Oh my God you're writing a CHECK?" and started screaming for a manager to open another lane. It was all like "WE'RE VERY SORRY YOU HAD TO WAIT 30 SECONDS, SIR!"
Anyway I need to ask WHY DO SOME PEOPLE STILL WRITE CHEQUES IN STORES?
(See doesn't that look ridiculous? Fix your language, Canada.)
I can understand writing checks at certain times. You can't hand a credit card to a kid after his graduation. He don't take that.
How did checks get started? Who was the first person to accept one? The cashier must have been all skeptical, like when you try to pass one of those Pocahontas coins. "This is a new system! They just started it. The bank said everything would be cool."
Early 1900s McDonalds with "Now accepting CHECKS" on their billboard alongside "New invention: FRENCH FRIES!"
Then again maybe the check wasn't the reason for all the panic after all. Maybe the cashier spotted me and decided, "Oh my God OPEN ANOTHER LANE IMMEDIATELY. This man needs GIN."
Very considerate, if that was the case.
So I was at the liquor store this morning (yes morning, don't judge) and the lady in front of me decided to pay with a check. It was no big deal because of I am VERY PATIENT but the cashier was like "Oh my God you're writing a CHECK?" and started screaming for a manager to open another lane. It was all like "WE'RE VERY SORRY YOU HAD TO WAIT 30 SECONDS, SIR!"
Anyway I need to ask WHY DO SOME PEOPLE STILL WRITE CHEQUES IN STORES?
(See doesn't that look ridiculous? Fix your language, Canada.)
I can understand writing checks at certain times. You can't hand a credit card to a kid after his graduation. He don't take that.
How did checks get started? Who was the first person to accept one? The cashier must have been all skeptical, like when you try to pass one of those Pocahontas coins. "This is a new system! They just started it. The bank said everything would be cool."
Early 1900s McDonalds with "Now accepting CHECKS" on their billboard alongside "New invention: FRENCH FRIES!"
Then again maybe the check wasn't the reason for all the panic after all. Maybe the cashier spotted me and decided, "Oh my God OPEN ANOTHER LANE IMMEDIATELY. This man needs GIN."
Very considerate, if that was the case.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Golf
Golfers are known for having a strict code of honor, much like knights. Any disagreement on the course is settled like gentlemen. There is no whacking someone in the head with the club. The code forbids it. In fact all sports that are played with weapons seem to be big on etiquette. (Baseball, hunting, fencing, etc.)
Another similarity to knights is that participants seem to enjoy wearing ridiculous costumes. Except while knights wear a suit of ARMOR, golfers wear plaid pants instead. Totally understandable as a suit of armor would be useless in golf (again, there's no hitting with the clubs) and would in fact hamper your performance. Then again if EVERYBODY wore them it could become it's own thing. Like when people box in the inflatable ring with giant gloves at the fair. (Do real boxers ever try that? I bet they dominate.) Also I guess there's no proof that the knights don't have plaid pants on underneath.
The best thing you can achieve in golf is a hole-in-one. It is also one of the rarest things you can pull off in all of sports, right behind a perfect game in baseball and water skiiers that hit a buoy but just keep on going.
One all-time famous golfer was Jack Nicklaus. His nickname was "The Golden Bear." Because when you think of an animal that would be good at golf, naturally you think of a bear. Anyway this has been problematic because whenever he makes a public appearance a bunch of kids show up expecting to see this guy:
They start crying, and he has to cheer them up with some funny stories. Fortunately another thing Jack Nicklaus is known for is telling funny stories. Unfortunately all of his funny stories are about golf.
Jack Nicklaus is also good at telling SPOOKY stories, such as while on camping trips.
(Those stories are also about golf.)
MINIATURE golf is fun, but don't ever play it if you're a midget. a news van will pull up with a camera and selfish intentions.
Well that's about all there is to be said about golf. If you want to know more you can watch the Golf Channel. Call your cable operator. or you can just go up to a bunch of guys playing golf at the park and start asking them questions. That's what I did.
Another similarity to knights is that participants seem to enjoy wearing ridiculous costumes. Except while knights wear a suit of ARMOR, golfers wear plaid pants instead. Totally understandable as a suit of armor would be useless in golf (again, there's no hitting with the clubs) and would in fact hamper your performance. Then again if EVERYBODY wore them it could become it's own thing. Like when people box in the inflatable ring with giant gloves at the fair. (Do real boxers ever try that? I bet they dominate.) Also I guess there's no proof that the knights don't have plaid pants on underneath.
The best thing you can achieve in golf is a hole-in-one. It is also one of the rarest things you can pull off in all of sports, right behind a perfect game in baseball and water skiiers that hit a buoy but just keep on going.
One all-time famous golfer was Jack Nicklaus. His nickname was "The Golden Bear." Because when you think of an animal that would be good at golf, naturally you think of a bear. Anyway this has been problematic because whenever he makes a public appearance a bunch of kids show up expecting to see this guy:
They start crying, and he has to cheer them up with some funny stories. Fortunately another thing Jack Nicklaus is known for is telling funny stories. Unfortunately all of his funny stories are about golf.
Jack Nicklaus is also good at telling SPOOKY stories, such as while on camping trips.
(Those stories are also about golf.)
MINIATURE golf is fun, but don't ever play it if you're a midget. a news van will pull up with a camera and selfish intentions.
Well that's about all there is to be said about golf. If you want to know more you can watch the Golf Channel. Call your cable operator. or you can just go up to a bunch of guys playing golf at the park and start asking them questions. That's what I did.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Cycling
The most corrupt of sports.
How come people that like to ride bicycles invariably turn out to be liars and cheaters? Where is the connection? It's like if people that liked to play frisbee always turned out to be arsonists or spouse-abusers.
If you don't know what I'm talking about there is this guy named FLOYD LANDIS (yes his parents had nine months to think up a name and decided on "Floyd") that has disgraced, and intends to continue to disgrace, the world of cycling.
Mr. Landis won the Tour de France in 2006. Then they checked his urine and saw a bunch of microscopic He-man action figures floating around in it. He was promptly disqualified. Like everyone that cheats at sports, he then proceeded to vehemently defend himself, making wild accusations about urine tampering. He filed lawsuits, professed his innocence to the media like every single day, got caught HACKING COMPUTER RECORDS, appealed the verdicts of all the failed lawsuits, and generally behaved as if he was the most wronged man on the face of the earth.
So then of course the other day he says "Okay I admit I took tons of steroids for like my entire career BUT EVERYBODY ELSE DOES IT TOO!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Many of you reading this probably enjoy riding a bicycle. I urge you NOT to become part of the corruption. Turn away from bicycle drug culture.
Some better ways to enhance your bike-riding experience:
- Baseball card in the spokes
- Shiny new bell
- Wheelies
- Sweet jumps
- E.T. in a basket
- Queen "Bicycle Race" on your iPod
- Riding through puddles
- Pretending to be Dutch
- Bicycle license plate like you used to get from Honey Comb cereal
- STREAMERS
- Paper routes
- Alcohol
How come people that like to ride bicycles invariably turn out to be liars and cheaters? Where is the connection? It's like if people that liked to play frisbee always turned out to be arsonists or spouse-abusers.
If you don't know what I'm talking about there is this guy named FLOYD LANDIS (yes his parents had nine months to think up a name and decided on "Floyd") that has disgraced, and intends to continue to disgrace, the world of cycling.
Mr. Landis won the Tour de France in 2006. Then they checked his urine and saw a bunch of microscopic He-man action figures floating around in it. He was promptly disqualified. Like everyone that cheats at sports, he then proceeded to vehemently defend himself, making wild accusations about urine tampering. He filed lawsuits, professed his innocence to the media like every single day, got caught HACKING COMPUTER RECORDS, appealed the verdicts of all the failed lawsuits, and generally behaved as if he was the most wronged man on the face of the earth.
So then of course the other day he says "Okay I admit I took tons of steroids for like my entire career BUT EVERYBODY ELSE DOES IT TOO!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Many of you reading this probably enjoy riding a bicycle. I urge you NOT to become part of the corruption. Turn away from bicycle drug culture.
Some better ways to enhance your bike-riding experience:
- Baseball card in the spokes
- Shiny new bell
- Wheelies
- Sweet jumps
- E.T. in a basket
- Queen "Bicycle Race" on your iPod
- Riding through puddles
- Pretending to be Dutch
- Bicycle license plate like you used to get from Honey Comb cereal
- STREAMERS
- Paper routes
- Alcohol
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Golden Girls
Ain't too many of 'em left. The chances of a reunion special are growing slimmer by the day. It can't be too cool when you are remembered for playing an old lady on cheesy 80s television and then look at a calendar and notice that it's 2010. Damn.
So let's address the Golden Girls individually.
PART ONE: THE LIVING
Betty White played "Rose." Man, what is up with Betty White lately? Stop SWEARING at everybody! and why is she still working? Out of cash? Like Gary Coleman and other 80s has-beens? Gotta be a Wal-mart in her neighborhood that will pay her to die with dignity. The comeback has peaked, girl. Quit while you're ahead. Nobody wants to see you singing a duet with William Hung in a Geico ad, or whatever's coming next. Thank you for being a friend, now GET OUT.
Rue McClanahan played "Blanche." As I'm sure everyone recalls, Blanche was a big ho-bag. But she owned the house so the others had to put up with it. She was awfully discreet though, I gotta say. I never saw any dudes poking their heads out of the bedroom during the nightly cheesecake binges. "Hey, can I have some?"
PART TWO: THE DEAD
Estelle Getty played "Sophia." In casting an 80-year-old woman, NBC decided to actually hire a 60-year-old woman and put her under a wig. I think they did this because the old ladies on "Night Court" kept dying and they didn't want any more deaths on NBC's watch. Shrewd. For awhile the Sophia character lived in a retirement home, but since audiences might consider that to be cruel the producers had the retirement home burn down and scripted her to share a bedroom with her 55-year-old daughter instead. I guess there were no other retirement homes in FLORIDA. Oh well, at least she had her own bed (I think).
Bea "Butch" Arthur played "Dorothy." The 55-year-old daughter in question. Man you know you are a winner in life when you're 55 years old and in addition to not having your own apartment you don't even have your own BEDROOM. and what was with her bumbling ex-husband showing up at the house every other day? Get a restraining order, lady. Bea Arthur, the actress, was of course best known for looking like a man. and talking like a man. But in spite of persistent rumors, she was a 100% heterosexual female. Science has documented it. I think the reason the Golden Girls always hung out in a group of three, however, is that neither of the other two wanted to be spotted alone with Dorothy.
Blanche and Dorothy are out to dinner and some ex-boyfriend happens by...
Ex: Oh hey Blanche, long time no see! Who's your, um, companion?
Blanche: Oh, uhh, this is Dorothy. My...friend.
Dorothy: ROOMMATE, actually.
*manly handshake*
Bea Arthur died a short while back. Everyone was sad except for hardcore Star Wars fans, who never forgave her for singing the Cantina song in the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special.
So let's address the Golden Girls individually.
PART ONE: THE LIVING
Betty White played "Rose." Man, what is up with Betty White lately? Stop SWEARING at everybody! and why is she still working? Out of cash? Like Gary Coleman and other 80s has-beens? Gotta be a Wal-mart in her neighborhood that will pay her to die with dignity. The comeback has peaked, girl. Quit while you're ahead. Nobody wants to see you singing a duet with William Hung in a Geico ad, or whatever's coming next. Thank you for being a friend, now GET OUT.
Rue McClanahan played "Blanche." As I'm sure everyone recalls, Blanche was a big ho-bag. But she owned the house so the others had to put up with it. She was awfully discreet though, I gotta say. I never saw any dudes poking their heads out of the bedroom during the nightly cheesecake binges. "Hey, can I have some?"
PART TWO: THE DEAD
Estelle Getty played "Sophia." In casting an 80-year-old woman, NBC decided to actually hire a 60-year-old woman and put her under a wig. I think they did this because the old ladies on "Night Court" kept dying and they didn't want any more deaths on NBC's watch. Shrewd. For awhile the Sophia character lived in a retirement home, but since audiences might consider that to be cruel the producers had the retirement home burn down and scripted her to share a bedroom with her 55-year-old daughter instead. I guess there were no other retirement homes in FLORIDA. Oh well, at least she had her own bed (I think).
Bea "Butch" Arthur played "Dorothy." The 55-year-old daughter in question. Man you know you are a winner in life when you're 55 years old and in addition to not having your own apartment you don't even have your own BEDROOM. and what was with her bumbling ex-husband showing up at the house every other day? Get a restraining order, lady. Bea Arthur, the actress, was of course best known for looking like a man. and talking like a man. But in spite of persistent rumors, she was a 100% heterosexual female. Science has documented it. I think the reason the Golden Girls always hung out in a group of three, however, is that neither of the other two wanted to be spotted alone with Dorothy.
Blanche and Dorothy are out to dinner and some ex-boyfriend happens by...
Ex: Oh hey Blanche, long time no see! Who's your, um, companion?
Blanche: Oh, uhh, this is Dorothy. My...friend.
Dorothy: ROOMMATE, actually.
*manly handshake*
Bea Arthur died a short while back. Everyone was sad except for hardcore Star Wars fans, who never forgave her for singing the Cantina song in the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Clean up that oil spill
It is bad for the environment.
You see oil and water do not mix. It is a miracle of nature, first demonstrated by Jesus.
Oil is transported in trains and boats because planes are not strong enough. The problem is they put too much oil in the tank of the boat at once. So then when it spills it alllllll spills. They should do it more like eggs where the oil is in twelve different cups.
So anyway when the oil spills it doesn't mix in. It floats to the shore and birds get dirty. Beaches have to be closed. a lot of lifeguards get laid off and resort to gambling and alcoholism.
Nerdy little environmentalists are very much opposed to oil spills. But so are rich, heartless oil tycoons. It is one of few subjects on which those two groups agree. There should be an oil spill "summit." That would be fun because everybody would get along and instead of arguing they could just eat Mexican food and try to talk to girls (other things everybody agrees on).
How can we stop oil spills? I think everybody just has to be careful. Personally I have never spilled oil, and I'm not so great so I don't see why other people have so many problems. I spill beer a lot but that is inexpensive and easy to clean up.
If one of the oil tycoons spilled beer at the summit party I would definitely make a comment, though. or at least a "no you di-int" face.
You see oil and water do not mix. It is a miracle of nature, first demonstrated by Jesus.
Oil is transported in trains and boats because planes are not strong enough. The problem is they put too much oil in the tank of the boat at once. So then when it spills it alllllll spills. They should do it more like eggs where the oil is in twelve different cups.
So anyway when the oil spills it doesn't mix in. It floats to the shore and birds get dirty. Beaches have to be closed. a lot of lifeguards get laid off and resort to gambling and alcoholism.
Nerdy little environmentalists are very much opposed to oil spills. But so are rich, heartless oil tycoons. It is one of few subjects on which those two groups agree. There should be an oil spill "summit." That would be fun because everybody would get along and instead of arguing they could just eat Mexican food and try to talk to girls (other things everybody agrees on).
How can we stop oil spills? I think everybody just has to be careful. Personally I have never spilled oil, and I'm not so great so I don't see why other people have so many problems. I spill beer a lot but that is inexpensive and easy to clean up.
If one of the oil tycoons spilled beer at the summit party I would definitely make a comment, though. or at least a "no you di-int" face.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Bigfoot
What's the matter with you? Quit hiding.
The LEGEND of Bigfoot goes as follows:
a big hairy ape-looking guy was in the woods.
Hence extreme fascination. DOES HE EXIST? Bigfoot is not alleged to have massacred anybody. He don't eat cattle. He doesn't stalk suckas. The legacy of Bigfoot is that he hangs out peacefully somewhere in the Pacific Northwest.
It is a much different lifestyle than that of Bigfoot, the famous monster truck. That's right FAMOUS MONSTER TRUCK. Who drives it? Nobody knows. But the truck lives a much different lifestyle than the monster. While the monster enjoys the quiet solitude of the wilderness, the truck hangs out in big loud auditoriums with lots of explosions and screaming people. So you can see where they got the name.
The truck has also had the honor of being inducted into the Monster Truck Hall of Fame. Is.....someone else.....in the Monster Truck Hall of Fame? and how do you induct a truck properly? Did people clap? If so I bet the truck appreciated it.
It's 2010 now, and everyone has a camera in their phone. You can snap photos of everything all the time. Yet Bigfoot sightings don't seem to be reported too much anymore. and I'm talking about the ape again, not the truck. If you have a picture of the truck on your phone, I don't want to see it. Well maybe if it's a blurry picture of the truck in the woods running over trees I will take a look at it. But anyway how come no more Bigfoot sightings? Not as interesting as celebrity nipples I guess. The bar has been raised.
Finally I would like to point out that "Bigfoot" is not a good name. Every part of him is big, not just his foot. The name "Bigfoot" would be better suited to some weird kid in homeroom that is normal sized but has one really big foot, like 13 inches. and then the other foot is normal. People would be like "Do you know Bigfoot?" "Yeah, Bigfoot's cool. We got high." "Cool, man."
"Bigfoot took my sister to the prom..."
"She didn't put out, though."
The LEGEND of Bigfoot goes as follows:
a big hairy ape-looking guy was in the woods.
Hence extreme fascination. DOES HE EXIST? Bigfoot is not alleged to have massacred anybody. He don't eat cattle. He doesn't stalk suckas. The legacy of Bigfoot is that he hangs out peacefully somewhere in the Pacific Northwest.
It is a much different lifestyle than that of Bigfoot, the famous monster truck. That's right FAMOUS MONSTER TRUCK. Who drives it? Nobody knows. But the truck lives a much different lifestyle than the monster. While the monster enjoys the quiet solitude of the wilderness, the truck hangs out in big loud auditoriums with lots of explosions and screaming people. So you can see where they got the name.
The truck has also had the honor of being inducted into the Monster Truck Hall of Fame. Is.....someone else.....in the Monster Truck Hall of Fame? and how do you induct a truck properly? Did people clap? If so I bet the truck appreciated it.
It's 2010 now, and everyone has a camera in their phone. You can snap photos of everything all the time. Yet Bigfoot sightings don't seem to be reported too much anymore. and I'm talking about the ape again, not the truck. If you have a picture of the truck on your phone, I don't want to see it. Well maybe if it's a blurry picture of the truck in the woods running over trees I will take a look at it. But anyway how come no more Bigfoot sightings? Not as interesting as celebrity nipples I guess. The bar has been raised.
Finally I would like to point out that "Bigfoot" is not a good name. Every part of him is big, not just his foot. The name "Bigfoot" would be better suited to some weird kid in homeroom that is normal sized but has one really big foot, like 13 inches. and then the other foot is normal. People would be like "Do you know Bigfoot?" "Yeah, Bigfoot's cool. We got high." "Cool, man."
"Bigfoot took my sister to the prom..."
"She didn't put out, though."
Friday, April 23, 2010
Volcano!
The big news this past week was the eruption of a volcano in Iceland, and the subsequent mayhem that ensued. The entire continent of Europe was shrouded in a massive cloud of ash. Many airline flights and falconing shows had to be cancelled. People were stranded for many days. Women that were whisked off to Paris for a romantic rendez-vous weekend were stuck there so long that they got fat and crabby again. All of this happened completely without warning, except for the multiple earthquakes that were detected exactly underneath the volcano over the past few months.
Those of you with little education may not fully understand what a volcano is, so I will explain it to you. Inside the earth there are many hot and dangerous things. There is lava, fire, MAGMA, poison gas, smoke, and sediments. When something causes a tremor beneath the surface, like an earthquake or a train full of elephants falling over, some of the bad stuff bubbles over and escapes through a rupture in the earth's crust. It's a very bad scene for anyone that is standing around the volcano when this happens, so most scientists advise that you stay away from them. Then again scientists are always saying not to do everyday things, such as drink beer or poke q-tips into your ear canal, so their advice is always to be taken with a grain of salt.
Volcanoes are a part of nature, but also very bad for the environment. It is an inconsistency that most people choose to overlook, like how Bugs Bunny cartoons were sort of racist sometimes.
BREAKING (BAD) NEWS: Apparently there is an even larger volcano right next to the erupting volcano and the President of Iceland says that one is probably gonna erupt, too. He says that governments and airports need to accept the reality of this impending doom and make the necessary preparations. I'm really not sure how he expects people to PREPARE for a volcanic eruption that's a thousand miles away.
"Do your Christmas shopping early this year."
"If you're painting a fence, pick a color other than white cause it's probably gonna get dirty."
Those of you with little education may not fully understand what a volcano is, so I will explain it to you. Inside the earth there are many hot and dangerous things. There is lava, fire, MAGMA, poison gas, smoke, and sediments. When something causes a tremor beneath the surface, like an earthquake or a train full of elephants falling over, some of the bad stuff bubbles over and escapes through a rupture in the earth's crust. It's a very bad scene for anyone that is standing around the volcano when this happens, so most scientists advise that you stay away from them. Then again scientists are always saying not to do everyday things, such as drink beer or poke q-tips into your ear canal, so their advice is always to be taken with a grain of salt.
Volcanoes are a part of nature, but also very bad for the environment. It is an inconsistency that most people choose to overlook, like how Bugs Bunny cartoons were sort of racist sometimes.
BREAKING (BAD) NEWS: Apparently there is an even larger volcano right next to the erupting volcano and the President of Iceland says that one is probably gonna erupt, too. He says that governments and airports need to accept the reality of this impending doom and make the necessary preparations. I'm really not sure how he expects people to PREPARE for a volcanic eruption that's a thousand miles away.
"Do your Christmas shopping early this year."
"If you're painting a fence, pick a color other than white cause it's probably gonna get dirty."
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Miracle Whip needs to calm down
Hey if you ever watch TV you may have seen these commercials in which Miracle Whip is aggressively calling out mayonnaise for being old-fashioned and boring.
What?
This is why I always say it don't take too much in the noggin to work in advertising. The Miracle Whip people sat down at a meeting and this is what happened:
"Okay umm everyone says Miracle Whip is gross. How can we change that?"
"We can't!"
"Well okay then ummm how can we sell more Miracle Whip anyway?"
"Get people to stop buying mayonnaise!"
"Okay umm how?"
"Say that it's bad!"
"It isn't bad though."
"Say that it's gay!"
"Can't."
"Say...that only jerks buy mayonnaise!"
"Hmmm okay good plan let's break for lunch, what do you want?"
"Anything but Miracle Whip it's TERRIBLE!"
Here are some facts.
1) You know what Miracle Whip is made out of? MAYONNAISE. They just mix in a bunch of other stuff. So Miracle Whip is attacking its own principal ingredient. It's like if potato salad came out all ready to start a fight saying "Man, mayonnaise SUCKS a BIG ONE don't eat that stuff" and then "...unless you add potatoes, celery, mustard, sweet pickles, and a little paprika to it!"
2) You know who makes Miracle Whip? Kraft. You know what else Kraft makes? MAYONNAISE. WHAT THE HELL?
Kraft also makes about a million other popular food items. Is this marketing strategy going to continue? "Hey yo spaghetti is wack, you should only eat macaroni and cheese." "You still eat ice cream? That is so 90s. Try just a big bowl of Cool Whip instead!"
The negative campaigning has got to stop. First all the Presidents were doing it and now this. Miracle Whip just better hope that mayo doesn't strike BACK cause there's lots that could be said, believe me.
"Hey Miracle Whip...didn't your company used to sell...cigarettes?"
"Did not...your chicken salad recipe...once ruin a baby shower..."
What?
This is why I always say it don't take too much in the noggin to work in advertising. The Miracle Whip people sat down at a meeting and this is what happened:
"Okay umm everyone says Miracle Whip is gross. How can we change that?"
"We can't!"
"Well okay then ummm how can we sell more Miracle Whip anyway?"
"Get people to stop buying mayonnaise!"
"Okay umm how?"
"Say that it's bad!"
"It isn't bad though."
"Say that it's gay!"
"Can't."
"Say...that only jerks buy mayonnaise!"
"Hmmm okay good plan let's break for lunch, what do you want?"
"Anything but Miracle Whip it's TERRIBLE!"
Here are some facts.
1) You know what Miracle Whip is made out of? MAYONNAISE. They just mix in a bunch of other stuff. So Miracle Whip is attacking its own principal ingredient. It's like if potato salad came out all ready to start a fight saying "Man, mayonnaise SUCKS a BIG ONE don't eat that stuff" and then "...unless you add potatoes, celery, mustard, sweet pickles, and a little paprika to it!"
2) You know who makes Miracle Whip? Kraft. You know what else Kraft makes? MAYONNAISE. WHAT THE HELL?
Kraft also makes about a million other popular food items. Is this marketing strategy going to continue? "Hey yo spaghetti is wack, you should only eat macaroni and cheese." "You still eat ice cream? That is so 90s. Try just a big bowl of Cool Whip instead!"
The negative campaigning has got to stop. First all the Presidents were doing it and now this. Miracle Whip just better hope that mayo doesn't strike BACK cause there's lots that could be said, believe me.
"Hey Miracle Whip...didn't your company used to sell...cigarettes?"
"Did not...your chicken salad recipe...once ruin a baby shower..."
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Public broadcasting
The first public TV station was launched in 1952. The programming was not good. It was mostly an old man sitting in a chair reading books. a few weeks later, after numerous viewer complaints, he started to read them out loud. Sometime after that they introduced a bunch of dancing puppets, and things were officially off and running.
Since that time, public broadcasting has flourished. There are now hundreds of TV and radio stations in every part of the country, and all of them spend about 90% of their broadcast days threatening to go off the air. It's always "we need to raise $106 dollars in the next 55 minutes or we're gonna take away all your favorite shows." Is that a THREAT? "Give us one million dollars or the next episode of Nova will be scientists demonstrating how to blow up a bridge. Possibly one in YOUR TOWN."
Then they try to come up with these extra little incentives to get you to send them money. "Mail in $200 and you get this cool TOTE BAG! If you can't afford that send $175 and you get a button."
There is also this tactic they use on the radio where if they find out you listened without paying they call you on the phone and accuse you of being a cheapskate live on the air. "We know you listened to All Things Considered. Your roommate turned you in. He says you got some real deep pockets but never throw a buck to anyone for anything. Says you're so cheap, you went to Denny's and snuck in your own coffee. Says you went to the art museum and looked at everything through the window. Now that's CHEAP."
Some members of the police force specialize in hostage negotiations. I wonder if they ever call the pledge drives? Like if time is running out and things are getting tense. "I'm sending over a pizza but I want to see a full episode of Masterpiece Theater first. We can work this out, I know we can."
Negotiations break down, Kermit the Frog loses a finger, everybody's screaming, someone steals all the tote bags and flees the station...
Since that time, public broadcasting has flourished. There are now hundreds of TV and radio stations in every part of the country, and all of them spend about 90% of their broadcast days threatening to go off the air. It's always "we need to raise $106 dollars in the next 55 minutes or we're gonna take away all your favorite shows." Is that a THREAT? "Give us one million dollars or the next episode of Nova will be scientists demonstrating how to blow up a bridge. Possibly one in YOUR TOWN."
Then they try to come up with these extra little incentives to get you to send them money. "Mail in $200 and you get this cool TOTE BAG! If you can't afford that send $175 and you get a button."
There is also this tactic they use on the radio where if they find out you listened without paying they call you on the phone and accuse you of being a cheapskate live on the air. "We know you listened to All Things Considered. Your roommate turned you in. He says you got some real deep pockets but never throw a buck to anyone for anything. Says you're so cheap, you went to Denny's and snuck in your own coffee. Says you went to the art museum and looked at everything through the window. Now that's CHEAP."
Some members of the police force specialize in hostage negotiations. I wonder if they ever call the pledge drives? Like if time is running out and things are getting tense. "I'm sending over a pizza but I want to see a full episode of Masterpiece Theater first. We can work this out, I know we can."
Negotiations break down, Kermit the Frog loses a finger, everybody's screaming, someone steals all the tote bags and flees the station...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
